Say You Won't Let Go Chapter 5
A/N: Hey guys! Here's the next chapter, I wrote it fairly fast as I didn't want to leave you all on that cliffhanger from last chapter too long. Hope you enjoy!
Liz had no idea how long she'd been crying.
The ambulance had arrived at the hospital only moments ago, the sirens still blaring as they pulled up to the emergency room. Liz couldn't stop her tears, couldn't bring herself to let go of the vice-like grip she had on Ressler's left hand.
They'd managed to resuscitate him, after a long and terrifying few moments when he didn't respond to the shocks of the defibrillator, although his heartbeat was very weak. The paramedics had called it "sinus tach," although Liz had absolutely no idea what they meant. She didn't have enough experience in the medical field to understand the jarble of terms that were constantly flowing out of their mouths.
When they went to move Ressler into the hospital, fitting an oxygen mask over his face and urging Liz to let go, she shook her head and refused as she held on even tighter, sure she was turning his fingers blue. She couldn't let him out of her sight; she just couldn't.
Liz was so afraid that if she let the doctors take him, that something would go wrong; that he'd die on an operating table, alone and surrounded by beeping machines without anyone to say goodbye, that he'd arrest right then and there again, that he'd bleed out or just die. She couldn't live with that. She couldn't.
She screamed louder than she ever had when one of the doctors ripped her hand out of his, shouting at the other nurses and doctors surrounding him that he needed an OR booked stat, and that this man had a life-threatening G.S.W in his left shoulder (at least she knew what that was).
Ressler, she wanted to cry as they continued to talk in puzzling medical definitions to one another, as they simply labeled him as an around 40 FBI agent. His name was Ressler.
She collapsed on the floor of the ambulance, another couple of nurses running in from the hospital to come and comfort her as she screamed and screamed Ressler's name. She'd lost him. He was out of her sight.
She didn't know how long she sat there and let her tears dry out, how many times she'd screamed his name until her voice grew so hoarse she couldn't speak.
The nurses eventually persuaded her to let them lead her inside, taking her by the arms as they helped her down from the ambulance and through the large sliding doors of the ER. The smell of antiseptic and latex immediately mingled in Liz's nostrils, and she tried to keep her tears at bay as she remembered that Ressler was still here somewhere, that he could be dying right at this moment.
As she was steered down multiple hallways, finally emerging into a mostly empty waiting room, she had the good sense to ask hoarsely for someone to call Cooper, to call Aram or Samar, anyone on the task force. She couldn't do this alone; she needed them with her right now.
So she waited in the waiting room, trying her hardest not to cry as she distracted herself with staring at the ceiling or door for Aram and the others to burst through. They had to come. They had to.
After waiting for about twenty minutes, her heart racing in circles and her worry so prevalent she thought she might faint, Liz's hopes finally came true when Cooper, Aram, and Samar all came bursting through the main doors to the hospital at the same time, panting and overcome with shock as they searched for her.
Liz waved them down from her seat, relief washing away a fraction of her worry as she watched them run towards her once they spotted her moving hand. Aram reached her first, and he immediately enveloped her in a hug, squeezing her tight as she clutched him back.
"How is he?" Samar asked solemnly, her face downturned with sadness as she saw the evident emotion in Liz's face, the red-rimmed eyes and stuffy nose and gasping breaths.
"I'm not sure," Liz replied, her voice choked up with tears as she began to pull away from Aram, facing Samar and Cooper, who wore the exact same expression as Samar.
"They haven't given me an update yet. They said they would as soon as they could when I asked a couple of minutes ago." With an understanding nod from the three of them, they walked back to the seat that Liz had been in moments before, taking their places beside her as they waited with bated breath to hear any news from Ressler.
Swallowing back another sob when Samar took her hand and Cooper placed a warm hand on her shoulder, Liz kept her eyes on the doors that led out to the OR rooms, praying to any god that would listen that if a doctor came through those doors with news about Ressler, it was news that he'd survived.
...
A few hours later, with the clock ticking well into the night and all four of the task force members falling asleep on their chairs, a doctor came bursting through the OR doors, still dressed up in his surgical gear, complete with navy blue scrubs and a matching striped scrub cap.
"Is there an Elizabeth Keen here?" he asked, glancing at Ressler's chart in his hand. The nurses must have put her down as Ressler's family or friend after she'd told them her name when the nurses had calmed her down, because Liz didn't ever remember signing that she was on his chart.
But that didn't stop her from jolting up in her seat along with the rest of the task force, a hopeful look in her eyes as she waved quickly to the doctor.
"That's-that's me!" she cried.
"I'm Elizabeth Keen; I'm Ressler's partner, and these are the other members of our task force." She stood up as the doctor came over and quickly shook her hand, introducing himself as Dr. Warner as he also shook hands with her other three comrades.
"Well, I'm happy to inform you that we completed the surgery on Agent Ressler, and that it went remarkably well. We were able to remove the bullet and stop the bleeding, so as long as no other complications like infection arise, he should be able to recover nicely." Liz let out a long breath as she began to cry again for the thousandth time that day, hugging Aram, Samar, and Cooper as they all shared a relieved smile.
He was alright. He was going to be fine.
Dr. Warner listed out a couple of warnings about the complications that could arise, as well as how long Ressler could expect to be in the hospital for and when he could return to duty.
With an overly happy smile, Liz finally asked the one burning question that had been gnawing at her ever since the doctor had delivered the stunning news.
"When can we see him?" she asked breathlessly, eyes wide as she clasped her hands together. The doctor smiled.
"You can see him now, if you'd like. The anesthesia will be wearing off in a couple of minutes, so he should be awake soon." Liz didn't need to be told twice.
After asking the doctor to escort them to his room, Liz followed with quick steps and near impatience as the doctor led them up to the third floor and down a few corridors until they reached a tiny room, Ressler's name on the little plaque outside.
Liz and the others thanked the doctor before pushing open the dark wood door, laughing and smiling when they saw a peaceful Ressler sleeping on his bed, his vital signs strong and clear.
Cooper and the others stayed for a little while longer, chatting happily as they watched Ressler lying on the bed, his breaths still deep with sleep and his eyes still softly shut.
A long few moments passed, and after keeping Liz company for a while longer, the three agents finally got up and announced that they were leaving, saying that they wanted to get some sleep, and imploring Liz to call them in the morning so they could come visit again when he was awake.
She was slightly skeptical, wondering if they'd planned this as they seemed all too eager to leave, an almost knowing smile on their faces as they scooted out the door with little waves and sing-songs goodnights. Damn them. What were they up to?
Liz couldn't say that she wanted to complain, however, as the silence and beeping of machines took over the noise in the room, settling herself at Ressler's bedside as she grabbed his hand and stared at his face.
It was so much more peaceful now with nobody in the room; and if she was being honest, Liz wanted to have Ressler all to herself when he woke up. There were a lot of things that she needed to tell him, and she certainly didn't want any of the others to hear them. They were far too personal.
Checking her watch quickly, Liz reasoned that it wouldn't be long now until the anesthesia wore off and Ressler woke up. She couldn't wait; she wanted to see her grumbling partner again, wanted to crush him in a hug and cry until she couldn't cry anymore.
Distracting herself by looking out the window to her left, she thanked the gods that they had listened and that they'd given Ressler back to her, that he had survived the surgery and he was going to be alright. If he hadn't made it...she didn't know what she would do with herself. Living in a world without Ressler...that was something, she realized, she never wanted to happen as long as she lived.
Sighing, Liz shifted her gaze to her hand wrapped around Ressler's limp one. She stroked her thumb along it, wishing that his fingers could wrap around her own as she bit her lip. Waiting for him to open his eyes was absolute torture.
But her wishes for Ressler to wake up were quickly answered, because she saw Ressler's fingers tighten slightly around hers, saw his body shift and heard his gravely voice as he ground out,
"Keen?" Liz's gaze snapped up, her blue eyes meeting his own, barely cracked open ones, and she sat there for a minute, mouth hanging open and tears pooling beneath her lashes as she became uncertain of what to say.
"Keen?" Ressler related, slightly clearer this time. "What's wrong?" And that was it.
Like a dam that had broken, Liz's tears flowed down her cheeks, flying through the air as she let go of his hand and lunged at him, burying her face in his chest as she began to cry, the sobs racking through her body shaking the bed as she cried and cried and cried. She only remembered about his injury when she heard him grunt in pain, and she whispered a quick apology as she eased the slightest bit off him.
"You're awake," she whispered in between tears, her fingers clutching his white hospital gown with impressive strength.
"You're finally awake. You're really alright." Ressler shifted beneath her, and Liz sobbed even harder as he lifted his arms to rest them on her back lazily, his movements still sluggish with the remnants of the anesthesia.
"Jeez, Keen, what's wrong? You've never cried this hard before." Liz gulped in a few deep breaths before sitting up, Ressler's arms falling to the blankets as she stared at him, her breath hitching.
"You got hurt, that's what wrong, Ressler," she said thickly, her tears now wetting the blankets.
"Please don't ever do that again. And I mean never. I was-I was so damn scared...I really thought that you might die," she said, her voice breaking as she hiccuped. Ressler reached up, slowly brushing away her tears as she continued to sob.
"I'm sorry that I scared you, Keen," he said eventually, letting out a breath.
"But I'm just glad that it's me in this hospital bed right now, and not you." Liz wiped at her eyes again, chuckling weakly.
"You dummy," she whispered, and Ressler smiled at that, reaching to lay his hand on top of hers to offer some comfort.
"Did you guys at least catch Karven?" he asked after a moment, and Liz nodded, glad to finally have something positive to talk about.
"We did. He's in FBI custody now." Ressler nodded slightly, seeming relieved as he shifted against his pillows.
"That's great. I'm glad to hear it." Silence ensued after that, and Liz felt nerves bunch up inside her as she thought of what she had wanted to say. She knew that she needed to say it...and now would probably be her best chance.
But she couldn't help but wonder if that would make her whole world come crumbling down even more than it already had, if it would change her and Ressler's relationship for the worst, or if he wouldn't reciprocate her feelings.
Inhaling deeply, she closed her eyes for a moment, thinking of something Sam had said to her once a long, long time ago.
If you love someone, you have to say it. It doesn't matter if you're scared, or if you're nervous. You have to tell them, because they deserve to know.
Letting out her breath, Liz scrounged up every last scrap of courage inside of her before she turned to face Ressler, clenching her jaw.
"Ressler, there's something that I really need to tell you." Ressler met her gaze, looking at her and raising his brows as if trying to figure out where she was going with this before nodding.
"Okay," he said, a slight hesitation in his voice. Liz gulped, shoving back the nerves that grew ten times stronger as she finally let out what she should've said a long, long time ago.
"I love you," she blurted, the words coming out in a rush as her cheeks turned crimson and she saw Ressler's brows nearly disappear into his hair.
"I love you, and I have for a long, long time, I think," Liz continued, her breathing having turned rapid as she bit her lip.
"I-I didn't want to admit it to myself before, and I certainly didn't want to tell you since I thought it might ruin our friendship, but I have to tell you now," she said, feeling tears form in her eyes again. Good Lord. How much was she going to cry today?!
"I-I love you so much that it hurts," she said, choking up.
"I just...I can't get you off my mind, and I feel like an emotional wreck when I'm with you and then I feel so lonely when I'm not with you and I want to kiss you so badly but I know that I shouldn't," she rambled on and on, and a tiny smile grew on Ressler's face the more that she said, until he finally began laughing.
Liz stopped mid-rant, feeling overly embarrassed as she watched Ressler laugh heartily. She wasn't sure she'd ever seen him laugh this hard, actually.
"What? What's so funny?" she asked, feeling fear creep over her. Oh no. She'd just made a mistake, hadn't she? A great, big, drowning mistake. He didn't like her back. He didn't. Of course he didn't. How could she have ever thought that he would?
"I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry, I let my mouth run ahead of my brain and I got this all wrong," she said, fighting back tears as she slipped her hand from Ressler's and moved to get up.
"I'll get going now then-"
"Keen, Keen, wait," Ressler said, grabbing her wrist quickly before she could get away. Liz looked back at him, hurt and sorrow reflected in her eyes.
"I'm sorry, Keen, I wasn't laughing about you being in love with me," he said, speaking quickly as he tried to get her to understand.
"I'm laughing because I'm in love with you too." Liz nearly fainted at that. Had he just said what she thought he did? Did he really love her like she loved him?
"Wha-" she started, but Ressler cut her off.
"I'm in love with you too, Elizabeth Keen," he stated firmly, his blue eyes boring into hers with such a passion that she wasn't sure she could stay upright.
"I love you, and I have for years. Far, far longer than you might think; I just never thought that I had a chance with Tom around." Liz found herself sinking to the mattress, breathing heavily as she continued to stare at him.
"You-you love me?" she asked quietly, as if he hadn't just said it seconds before.
"You love me? You really mean it?" Ressler smiled, moving his hands to intertwine them with hers as he pulled her closer.
"Yes, I do," he said gruffly, pulling her so close their lips nearly touched.
"I love you more than anything else, and I want more than anything to kiss you right now, but-" he stopped Liz as she began to lean in, putting a gentle hand on her shoulder.
"Not yet. You deserve a far better first kiss than one in a hospital room," he chuckled, and Liz pouted as she drew away slightly.
"But let me promise you this," he said quietly, grabbing her other hand and lacing his fingers through it.
"I will kiss you, as soon as I'm able to get out of this place. And when I do, it will be the most romantic kiss of your life," he whispered, causing Liz to smile a tiny bit as she felt excitement and longing for that day dance in her chest.
"Okay," she finally conceded, letting out a breath.
"I guess I'll just have to wait then," she said teasingly, and her and Ressler shared a smile.
"Unfortunately, you will," he said, his voice still gruff, "but not for long." Liz smiled again at that, a sudden thought coming to her mind as she squeezed his hands.
"Can I ask you for a favour, then?" she said lightly, looking imploringly at him. Ressler chuckled.
"Of course."
"Can you hold me? I'm terribly exhausted from staying up all night worrying about you, and I want nothing more than to fall asleep right now, right here in your arms." Ressler smiled the tiniest bit, and he reached forward, pulling her into his chest as he wrapped his arms as tightly as he could around her.
"You didn't even need to ask," he murmured onto her hair, and Liz closed her eyes with a sigh, allowing one more smile as she collapsed into his warmth, trying to be aware of his injury.
And that was how the two newfound lovers fell asleep that night, wrapped up in each other's arms as they dozed peacefully, the terror of the night far behind and the promise of the future lingering dazzlingly close.