Here I am again. I thought of this idea after reading Onodera no Baai no. 22, and I've wanted to do a body-swap story for a while.
For context: in that chapter, the Emerald department go on a trip to Kagawa—Takano's mother's hometown—because Isaka wanted udon from there and couldn't go himself. On the second day, Takano and Onodera visit Takano's grandmother's grave and have, in my opinion, a pretty heart-wrenching conversation about the two of them viewing "similar scenery" and feeling the same heartbreak at the same time, despite Takano being in Japan and Onodera being in England.
So I thought, why not have them switch places during one of the lowest points of their lives? Time for an angst-coaster.
The nightmare begins as it usually does, with cherry blossom petals sweeping past him like a storm and an endless darkness around him.
Even though he's experienced this before, it's still just as terrifying every single time. Ritsu looks around in a panic, wondering where he is and how he can escape from this void. Hello? He calls out, but he can't seem to hear his own voice. All he can hear is the sound of his own breath and his racing heart. Hello? Is anyone there? Hello? Where am I? Fear rushes through his veins, turns his blood to ice. Where is he?
Then, out of the corner of his eye, he sees—there! A figure in the distance. Ritsu blinks at the new arrival, and suddenly, the figure has appeared in front of him, staring at him with that serious, blank expression that he's seen so many times he knows it like the back of his hand.
A strange feeling fills his heart, but he can't tell what it might be. Saga-senpai? He tries to say, but still, no noise comes out. Saga-senpai, I'm right here! Can you see me? Hello? With how empty Saga's eyes look, it's like he's staring right through him instead of at him.
Ritsu blinks again and suddenly, Saga is turning away from him and leaving.
Wait! Saga-senpai! Ritsu trips over his own feet trying to follow him, but it's as if he can't even move. The faster he tries to run, the farther away Saga is from him. Saga-senpai! Please wait for me! Don't leave me behind! His senpai doesn't even spare him a glance. Saga-senpai, wait! Please wait!
Ritsu blinks and he's nearly at Saga's heels. His hand moves with agonizing slowness to grab the back of his senpai's uniform sweater; he swears he can almost feel cotton threads at the edges of his fingertips. His lungs burn from running, a fire that has begun to scorch the inside of his chest, but he cannot stop now. If he does, then his senpai will be gone from him forever.
Sen— He manages to say just as he's gotten ahold of his senpai's sweater, the word cut off into a gasp of confusion when the other boy disappears in front of him. Desperation grips his throat. Senpai! Ritsu cries, heart thudding in his throat and eyes brimming over with tears. Senpai, where did you go? Why did you leave me behind? Why did you—
His pleas are cut off by a sudden convulsion of his throat, and his sobs turn to gags. Finally, Ritsu realizes why he hasn't been able to speak this whole time. He continues to dry heave into his hands until out bursts bloody cherry blossom petals. They spill out in waves, one after another, until Ritsu's throat feels so ruined that he can barely breathe.
He chokes out one final, Senpai, blood painting his lips, before the pain overwhelms him and he falls—falls down, down, down into an oblivious that swallows his every breath and buries him in darkness.
Ritsu comes to with a cry of "Senpai!", and he clutches at his throat, unable to breathe. His heart is still pounding in his chest, veins restless with adrenaline from the nightmare.
With a shuddering gasp that sounds more like a wheeze, he slips out of bed to sit on the floor, shoulders curled up as if he can ward himself from the sickening fear still hovering over him. Something about feeling the scratch carpet underneath Ritsu's hands stabilizes him enough that he remembers what his school counselor told them to do if they ever experienced an anxiety attack.
Breathe. Breathe? That's what she told us, right? That's what you're supposed to do? It clings to him, the loss of control over his own body, the numbness that doesn't feel quite real. Still, if there's even the slightest possibility that Ritsu can rid himself of this feeling, he'll seize at it with everything he has.
He begins an unsteady version of the breathing exercises that the counselor had taught them. Breathe in four seconds. Hold for one. Breathe out four seconds. Rinse and repeat.
Rinse and repeat, Ritsu recites to himself. Rinse and repeat.
After what could have been a few minutes or a few hours, the pressure on his chest and the tightness in his throat eases enough that he doesn't feel like he's dying anymore, and he leans back, exhausted. It's been a long time since he had an attack, and he's forgotten how draining they are, how much they make him want to pass out afterwards.
He can't do that right now, though.
Stumbling to his feet, Ritsu shuffles over to his hallway's communal restroom, squinting at the harsh artificial lights that greet him when he enters. Washing his face isn't that difficult, but the face that he sees in the mirror afterwards makes him flinch back.
Wide, bloodshot eyes; ashen skin; hair all over the place; dry, cracked lips.
I can't believe Senpai would even look at me, if I looked like this, comes the errant thought, which makes Ritsu flinch even harder. He's supposed to be forgetting about… that person. How can he forget him if every other thought is about the boy who broke his heart so cruelly?
Ritsu sighs and shoves those emotions into the back of his heart, shuts the door on all the heartache, all the pain, in favor of a dulling numbness that turns his veins to stone. There's no point in thinking about it anymore, he thinks, finding himself looking out the window at the hazy evening sky that's maybe a few hours from the rising sun.
There's no point… he's probably already forgotten about me, anyways, Ritsu tells himself, even as the heaviness in his heart grows. His eyes catch onto the faint outlines of trees outside, still and unmoving. Already forgotten… He closes his eyes against the tears beginning to form, and breathes.
When he opens them, however, he discovers not the communal bathroom of his dormitories, but fields of green rice shoots spread in front of him and mountains in the distance. Even the time of day has changed. Instead of it being 3 or 4 in the morning, it's probably closer to noon now.
"Wah?!" Ritsu shouts, baffled at the change in his surroundings, then shouts again at the difference in his voice. A hand flies to his throat, and his eyes widen at the sudden realization that he knows exactly whose voice this is. It's not possible…
Patting around at the body he is now in, Ritsu quickly finds a cellphone in his back pocket and flips it open. He doesn't even need the camera app to see the reflection of the face that's haunted his every waking—and unconscious—moment since he left Japan. The face that looks back at him in the phone screen is none other than the person he was so in love with: Saga Masamune!
A/N: Oh boy, get ready for a wild ride. Just a heads-up: this fic is going to take a while to complete since I've got a ton of original fiction ideas to catch up on, so like the post-confession Nostalgia series, updates will be sporadic. Hopefully this first chapter is interesting enough to start off with!
-ChemicallyEnhanced