Context: Cut from the flashback in The Night Before Christmas because it wasn't right for the mood of the story and was just too much for a flashback. I decided to take the main elements and add those into the conversation between Stef and Lena after the flashback but I really enjoyed the broodier mood of this original conversation, as well as Lena's internal dialogue about the situation. I think it's very telling about Lena and how she approached adoption.
Another silence fell between them, this time less comfortable. Lena could feel the anxious energy in her partner's body and she knew what was coming when Stef cleared her throat.
"Have you…" Stef paused to wet her lips. "Have you given anymore thought to adoption?"
The way she tried to make the question nonchalant gave her away in an instant. Lena already knew Stef's heart was tied to the twins. Not that hers wasn't. She already loved them in a way she couldn't describe. But she knew she had to be rational for both of them. If it had been possible, she was sure Stef would have adopted them on the spot that day in the police station. Her partner's heart was big and although Stef's capacity to love so fully was one of her greatest qualities, always leading with her heart often had her acting without regard to consequences.
During a too-long pause, Lena decided if she wanted to have this particular conversation. Mariana and Jesús had a mother who they knew and loved, even if right now she wasn't fit to care for them. Maybe someday she would be. If not, would her own love be able to fill the void left by their mother? Would they ever be able to truly trust her, to feel safe with her? Could she be everything they needed or would she always just be a substitute? These were questions that ran on repeat in the background of her mind lately. So even though her heart ached at the thought of losing them, Lena wanted — needed to be sure that adoption was in the twins' best interest, not just her own. As of that moment, she still wasn't sure.
"What if Ana puts up a fight for custody?" she finally asked.
"Then we'll fight back," Stef said with conviction.
"It won't be easy. The system wants to put kids back with their biological parents. They haven't been with us that long. We won't have much leverage."
Stef scoffed. "You mean aside from the fact that their mother is a drug addict who continuously neglected her children so she could get high?"
Lena sighed. "And what if she gets clean?"
Stef snorted and rolled her eyes. "Yeah, right."
"I'm serious, Stef. What if she gets clean and wants the twins back?"
"Love, it's going to take a lot more than a 30 day token for her to prove she's fit to be a parent. I mean, come on. Not only did she neglect them when she had them but how many times has she blown off visits since we started fostering them? Every time she does, it sends both of those kids into a tailspin for days. A judge isn't just going to overlook that stuff."
"I know." A little exasperated, Lena sat up and faced her partner. "That's not what I mean. I know that Ana's going to have an uphill battle, even with the courts favoring biological parents. But if she gets clean, and can stay clean, don't you think it's better for them to go back to their mom?"
Stef looked at Lena, bewildered. "Absolutely not."
"How can you be sure?"
"Because she's had every chance to try and make up for the choices she's made and she's shit on every one of them—"
"Please don't yell." Lena cut her off, unwilling to let her partner's frustrations make it out to the twins' ears. The last thing they needed was for one or both of them to think they hated their mother.
"I'm not—" Stef stopped and closed her eyes, her jaw flexing as she reeled herself in after realizing that, in fact, she was. Her voice was down to a seething whisper when she started again. "There isn't anything that can undo the damage she's already done to those babies but she can't even be bothered to try. You can't possibly think the risk of them getting hurt again is worth it when the last good thing that woman did for them was give birth."
Lena was taken aback by Stef's harshness, her eyebrows arched high in surprise. "Of course not. I don't ever want to see them hurt again." She paused and searched for the right words. "But biology… it means something. It connects us." When Stef opened her mouth to interrupt, Lena shook her head and powered forward. "I don't mean emotionally. I mean in a real, physiological way. It's linked to our survival. It's powerful and instinctive and I don't think that's something we should just ignore because it's convenient for us."
Stef's eyes narrowed. "So what? You think she's naturally more fit to be their mother because she's related to them? After everything she has put them through." Her words were sharp and quiet but beneath the smoldering anger, Lena could see the hurt in her partner's eyes.
"Honey—"
"Whose side are you even on here, Lena?"
"Ours. But I have to be on theirs, too."
"Oh so I'm not on the twins' side? That's news to me," Stef snapped, resorting to sarcasm to hide her hurt feelings.
"That's not what I mean—" Lena closed her eyes and gave her head a little shake. Somehow, every time she tried to climb out of this hole she'd gotten herself into, she just kept digging it deeper. She took a breath to focus her thoughts and push away her frustration. When she spoke again, it was slowly and with intention. "I just don't want to rush into a decision without considering all possibilities. I want to make sure that whatever decision we make, it's the right one for them."