"I want you so much closer" is a lyric from the song Transatlanticism by Death Cab For Cutie.
Enjoy.
Over time, I learned how to think.
I learned how to see everything from a multitude of perspectives and I could make inferences based on what I saw.
It was only recently that I was exposed to a new phenomenon that I had only heard of from stories.
It was only recently that I had made a friend.
I say "friend" when I really mean "friends". It started with two, two became three, three became four.
I am, however, blinded by my inferences. I've been noticing that maybe I think... too much. Is there such a thing as thinking too much?
I fear that my doubts are winning.
Mugi sat down at her respective desk with a slight sensation of relief. Thanks to her, the other four girls in the room each had one cup of tea in front of them. There was a platter of cupcakes centered on the small table made of five desks pushed together.
"I call orange!" Called out the energetic one of the group. She delicately snatched a chocolate cupcake with orange frosting.
"I'll have vanilla," said an unusually cheerful girl who normally had serious undertones.
I guess she let her guard down again.
"Eh-" paused the girl, obviously embarrassed by her own actions. Her twin tails jolted as if they mimicked her reaction, "... thank you," she murmured.
"Aww, Azunyan's so cute when she gets embarrassed!" cooed the carefree airheaded girl, putting her hands on the junior's rosy cheeks and blissfully gawking at the poor girl.
"Yui-senpai, don't say things like that! And don't look at me that way, it's weird," Azusa stuttered.
At this point, Mugi took her attention away from the scene. She looked at the center of the table, where just one cupcake idled. Everyone else had already grabbed one. She reached her hand over and took it, much to everyone's ignorance. After returning the treat to her plate, she slowly and carefully unwrapped a portion of it and took a small bite. In that moment, she was enveloped in the sweet vanilla flavor of the spongy cake and the soft overpowering lemon frosting. Bit by bit, she unwrapped more of it and took more bites. She ate it slowly, she let it distract her from the outside banter.
Mugi used to love the banter of her friends, but now it had gotten harder for her to watch.
The cleanup process was slow and blissful. The blonde stood at the sink, rinsing cup after cup before putting it all back into the cupboard. Everyone continued to sit and talk, waiting until the very last minute to pack up their instruments and leave. Soon enough, there were five girls walking down the street. Five became three, Yui and Azusa had parted to go their route to their respective houses. The only reason why Mugi didn't part at that same point was because she needed to pick something up from Mio's house. Mio had borrowed a binder of sheet music and offered to bring it to school; but Mugi insisted she go to the bassist's house to fetch it. The blond wanted to share a walk with Mio and Ritsu, as the two friends lived on the same street.
Mugi was regretful of this choice.
The two inseparable friends had been up to their usual antics, or what Mugi assumed to be the usual. Ritsu was cheerful and energetic, Mio was thoughtful and quiet; it was like fire and ice.
Mugi was once completely and utterly fascinated by this, but this time it was different. Both of them, at times, tried to include her; and she noticed this, but they often got carried away and forgot about her.
Mugi simply walked just behind them and watched.
Ritsu said something playful in response to Mio and gave her a small shove, clashing her shoulder with that of the bassist. Bodies leaning, they shared a split second of physical interaction before Ritsu returned to her original position. In the process of returning, Ritsu's hand brushed with Mio's - Mugi saw all of it. Mugi had read manga and other literature where two girls formed a relationship that a boy and a girl would normally share; and the interaction she just witnessed seemed slightly similar, like an exposition of a possible relationship.
Mugi's view on that kind of relationship was always changing. At first she loved it, then she hated it, then she loved it again and so on. At this point in time, Mugi did not want to be near these people. Mugi did not want to be walking down this street with these people that can't have the thoughtfulness to try and include her a little more; she wanted to be in her room, alone.
"Hey Mugi?" Mio pulled the attention of the forlorn keyboardist.
Mugi perished the thoughts and put on a smile, "Yes?"
Mio looked skeptical only for a moment before she continued with her intentions, "What do you think about writing something a little more serene? I think we go pretty hard as Ho-Kago Tea Time, but I'm wondering if we should write something with a calmer feeling to it. Ritsu, however, disagrees with me; which honestly I expected."
"Oh," Mugi began to think about this, "I think that could be a good idea. It won't necessarily pose as a challenge for anyone, but I think it could be nice to try. It could maybe teach Yui-chan more about pacing too."
The conversation trailed off thanks to an impatient drummer. Soon enough, Mugi had retrieved the binder from the grey-eyed girl's house and gone to the nearest train station.
The train ride was slow. It was times like this that Mugi found the most euphoria in. She watched as the scenery flashed by her: the passing woods with the downtown buildings slowly drifting by in the background; the late light glinting through far away windows and casting distorted shadows of the close-by trees. The train entered a tunnel, surrounding her in darkness. Mugi felt tired, she felt safe... as if nothing else existed. She forgot about the train, the outside world; and only took in her immediate vision as she flew through the tunnel. She allowed the weight of her legs and her shoulders to overtake her, she relaxed completely. Just as her eyelids began to do the same, she left the tunnel; and was met with an entirely different view.
Mugi was always exhausted when she got home, most of that was due to the hypnotizing train ride. She took an early bath, grabbed a snack and some ice water; she got comfy in her room. At times like this, she would read a book, scour the internet, write lyrics or practice piano. It often got lonely; and in those moments, she was exhilarated when one of her friends texted or called. But tonight, Mugi wanted to take an early night: she had a concert after school the next day. After-School Tea Time was playing a gig at a music venue downtown, opening for some larger bands that their advisor was acquainted with. Mugi, no matter what her mood was, always enjoyed playing the band's songs on piano. With most of her piano skills being based on classical influences, playing light music on the keyboard was very different; but she liked it even more than classical music. It was pretty much the only thing the blonde could get lost in, that… and sleep.
Mugi walked with five girls down the street bathed in old light. The sun was setting and they had left school not long ago. Instruments strapped to their backs -except for Ritsu and Mugi herself- they made small chit chat as they strolled. Mugi's keyboard was resting on her shoulder in its case, as if it were a purse; an oversized, seventeen-pound purse. The truth that nobody knew was that it did feel heavy on her shoulder, she just never let it get to her. Mugi was good at bearing burdens like the heavy keyboard for a long time, she knew there would be a time when she could put it down.
Mugi looked ahead of her, towards the four girls casting a shadow on her.
"Hey everyone," Yui called out, stealing the blonde's attention, "After the show, we should get ice cream!" She cheerfully offered.
Mugi was the first one to respond, she liked the idea of a refreshment that wasn't hers to prepare, "Good idea!"
Ritsu agreed to the proposal, Mio did too with no reluctance after seeking the majority vote. Post a moment of hesitation, Azusa agreed too.
"Yay, even Azunyan's coming!"
"You really find any reason to glomp her, huh?" Ritsu remarked.
Mugi pulled her vision away, so she didn't see Mio slow down to be next to her.
"Hey Mugi," she said.
"Yes?"
"What kind of tea did you make for us today?"
Mugi was brought back to after school when she made tea for everyone, "I believe I made the rest of the Matcha tea today, Mio-chan."
"It was good tea, thank you," Mio gratefully replied.
The switch was finally flipped.
I really am just their maid, huh…
Mio was one of the most polite people Mugi had met. Frankly, she didn't get enough credit.
The blue-eyed girl's mood turned sour; that is, until she got on stage.
Sweat collected in the thick of her eyebrows. Mugi stepped off the stage with her keyboard on her shoulder and made her way to the greenroom, where she stored her instrument. The pianist stepped out of the greenroom back into the venue. It was a bar/restaurant type of place with tables scattered around and a central bar hugging the left wall, connecting to a kitchen out of Mugi's view. She walked to the table that her friends were seated at, a cup of tea awaited her. Something caught her vision on the walk there, her eyes were brought up to the back of the venue at the sound booth. She couldn't see much, but she saw the protruding head of the sound technician working there. Long shaggy hair hung just low enough to cover his eyes, he looked hard at work. Mugi always admired hard workers, she would encounter them every day in her own home.
He looks… knowledgeable, she thought to herself, I wonder what he does outside of this place.
Mugi took her eyes off of the sound guy and met her friends at the table. As she sat down, they all greeted her and gave her props for her performance. She was thankful of the compliments, she always liked being complimented on things she actually used skill to accomplish.
She was in a relatively good mood, she chimed into their banter for a little while. A couple rounds of tea later, Mugi was peeking at the sound booth more often. After a seemingly risky peek, she looked back to see Mio looking in the same direction. When the raven-haired girl looked back, she gave Mugi a weird look. Before Mio could address it, she was distracted by Yui showing her a trick with a square napkin.
That was when Mugi decided that it was now or never.
She excused herself to the restroom, stood up and walked purposefully to the back of the venue. She had a hunch that Mio was staring at her back, she hesitantly let herself into the small open booth as the sound guy seemed busy. She must've been wrong, because he noticed quickly and greeted her.
"Hey," his voice seemed rather friendly with just a hint of nervousness, "can I help you with something?"
"Uh-uhm," Mugi said, "I just wanted to say; good work on the sound, I think it sounds great!" She spoke over the blaring music from the grunge band on the stage.
"Thanks," he replied, "good job on the keyboard, you guys were great."
Wait, he recognizes me?
"Oh, yeah… thanks"
Mugi then begged the question, "So what do you actually do up here?"
The man was very polite about the blunt question, "well, it's easier if I just show you. Come here," he replied.
He then proceeded to teach the curious blonde about how the soundboard was programmed and what each slider (or "fader" as he described) did. After some brief explanation, he said, "So, listen to the band playing right now. Do you disagree with anything in the mix?"
The Mugi before wouldn't have understood the meaning of the question; but now she knew that it basically meant 'are any of the instruments too quiet or too loud in comparison to the other instruments?'
She only needed to listen for a few moments to deduct that the guitar was too quiet, "I think the guitar should be turned up a bit."
"Then make it so."
Mugi walked up to the sound board, to all of the flashing knobs, sliders and screens displaying weird graphs that she didn't understand at all. She knew one thing: which slider controlled the volume of the guitar; and so she gently pushed the slider up until she could notice a difference coming through the speakers. She didn't want to turn it up too much, because that apparently caused feedback.
It was then that she could see the entire venue, including the table her friends were at. She was up front in the booth while the sound guy stood back; and all of her friends were looking back at her.
Mugi could feel her cheeks get hotter.
"Wow, that's pretty cool! I still don't know what any of these knobs or graphs do, though."
"That's okay," he said, "those parts are actually kind of complicated."
"But anyway," the keyboardist bowed, "thank you for teaching me; but I must get back to my friends, so I'll see you later," she said.
"No problem, come by anytime!" He cheerfully said. Almost everything he said seemed memorized.
With that, Mugi stepped down from the sound booth and went back to the table.
"Mugi-chan, what were you doing up there?"
"I was just seeing the sound booth," Mugi replied.
"Do you know the guy that does sound?" Mio asked.
"Does your father own this venue?" Ritsu asked.
When both questions were answered with a "no", the group got even more curious.
"So, why were you seeing the sound booth?" Azusa asked on behalf of the entire table.
"I was just curious to see what it was like," Mugi replied.
"Aww, I wish you would've asked me to go with you…" whined the cake loving klutz.
"Now, now; relax," Mio lazily cooed.
The conversation turned back to normal, Mugi listened in as they finished their last round of tea. At that point, it was already late; and they were tired from their long day of school, practice and performance.
On the way out of the door, Mugi trailed behind. She had her eyes on the sound booth, looking for a receiver of her friendly gaze. He was in the booth, but his eyes were not up. Mugi went out the door giving a wave to basically no one.
The next day, Sunday, Mugi slept in until 10:00 AM. When she did wake up, she didn't do much. She didn't jump out of bed to greet the Kotobuki staff or her own parents like she normally would. She laid there, checking her phone far too often and overthinking.
Do I see him again?
The jaded image of the sound guy pasted into her mind; she tried to wrap her head around her intentions with him, why she chose to encounter him in the first place.
Do I put up with the fact that I'm not their friend?
She cycled between guilt and loneliness, she pondered calling or texting one of them for no clear reason at all.
Should I be taking notes so I remember?
Mugi began to document her thoughts on blank pages ripped out of a notebook.
What do I do?
Mugi knew what she wanted; she wanted a friendship intimate enough to have physical bonds, she wanted to be appreciated. She wondered if the sound guy could fulfill that.
Do I deserve any of this?
She wanted to give up one minute; the next she wanted to run back to the venue, or to Mio's house, or just to anyone. She wanted to be forgotten and she wanted someone to text or call. Mugi didn't know what she wanted.
When she ran out of space on the paper, she gave it a rest and started her regular duties.
The jaded blonde girl stuck out like a sore thumb in a hallway full of native Japanese people. The thin bowtie of her uniform slightly bounced as she paced and her silky hair drifted just behind her. Mugi was on her way to the club room to prepare tea. Walking past swinging classroom doors and shuffling students, she was on autopilot.
When she got to the top of the stairs and entered that familiar classroom, she set her bag down and began to brew tea for the eager musicians at the table. It was a normal day in Sakuragaoka High School.
Once again, the pianist sat at her respective desk; having received satisfaction from the rest of the club.
But something stirred in the front of her mind, rather than the back.
Do I deserve any of this?
Mugi recollected her thoughts for the ump-teenth time that day. She re-assumed her position with the band… in their shadow. She remembered the distant image of the sound guy, that failed desperate attempt to get the attention she craved; to build something she didn't have the patience to build. No wonder it failed…
Maybe I'm not that kind of person to people. Maybe I can't have a closer bond because of the way I am. Maybe I should accept my place and be grateful…
"Mugi?"
The distant keyboardist snapped out of it and looked in the direction of the calling. Mio was looking at her with skeptical eyes.
"You look really intense. Are you okay?," the raven-haired girl asked.
Mugi put on her smile, "Y-yes, Mio-chan. Thanks for asking," something sounded off. Mugi knew she didn't mask her insecurities.
"Not only that, but you've been really quiet since last week. It looks like you're always thinking," Mio pried.
"Mio knows something's up. She's never wrong about these things and she opened my eyes up to it too. Mugi, we know something is up," Ritsu added.
That was when Mugi's brain stopped.
"Uhm…" she sputtered.
Cornered.
"I-it's really nothing! I've just been… pondering my role in the club, that's all."
"What about your role? Isn't it obvious?" Ritsu asked.
"Mugi, what are you saying?"
Now I've really dug myself into a hole…
"It's really nothing, actually! Don't worry about me, you have nothing to worry about," the blonde chuckled nervously.
Mio responded with a concerned frown, "I'm sorry for prying too much," she started, "but we're your friends, right? If you have something to say, we want you to say it. Always."
What am I even doing?
Do I get to dictate what I deserve?
Who am I to assume their perception of me?
Mugi talked within her mind everything she had gone over one last time.
It was then that she truly spoke, "Actually, guys. I have been thinking about my place in the club… a lot."
Everyone had their wide eyes on her, "I look at you all and I see how close you guys are. Mio-chan, you constantly give Ritsu bonks on the head; and Yui-chan, you're always glomping Azusa-chan… and I want that kind of relationship too! I feel left out, I don't get hit or hugged or anything like that. I know I'm being immature, but I'm taking the risk in assuming that you guys will understand."
Mugi's big glinting eyes were fixed to the desk in front of her hanging head, "I also just feel like I'm just your maid. It seems like any time I talk with you guys, it's about tea and sweets. I love tea parties, but they don't feel like parties anymore. They feel like a chore and I hate it!"
Mugi raised her head up swiftly, only to be met with a fog of guilt surrounding her. Dejection and strife settled in the air above the five desks.
Mugi clasped her hand over her mouth, "I-I'm sorry! I'm so sorry, I just- what have I done," Mugi took a deep breath, "I'm sorry, guys. I just… I want you so much closer."
...
The room fell silent for a moment, it felt like a lifespan. Mugi expected to see the band's pet turtle upturned in his tank every time she looked up.
She saw as Ritsu parted her fragile lips and began to exhale, "Let's do a compliment circle."
A what?
"A what, Ricchan?" Yui asked.
"A compliment circle. You know, when everyone goes around and gives one compliment to someone. Mio and I used to do it in middle school."
"That's true," Mio jumped in, "we did them in homeroom sometimes."
"Hmm, okay! I'll do it," Yui enthused.
"I don't see why not…" Azusa went along with the plan.
Everyone looked at Mugi, they were waiting for her answer. She could feel her glistening tears blur the vision of her left eye. She blinked the tears away.
"Sure, I'll do it."
"Okay, I'll start," Ritsu said, "I'm gonna pick… Mugi."
Mugi's eyes widened at the tawny haired girl.
Huh? She's going to compliment me?
"Mugi, I really like how curious you are about everything. When we hung out that one time, you looked at everything with so much joy that I forgot I had seen the arcade and the cheap sweets shop so many times. It's weird how contagious your delight for everything is."
Mugi was so caught up in trying to comprehend what Ritsu just said that the blonde didn't notice the huge smile she was wearing.
"Sorry Ritsu, I just can't take you seriously when you say something actually profound," Mio broke the silence, "Anyway, I know this is supposed to be a circle, but I'll go next; and generally you're not supposed to do this, but I sort of planned on complimenting Mugi so I'm going to also compliment her."
Mugi's wet eyes shifted towards Mio, who sat with her hands folded on her lap.
"Mugi, I like the way you play keyboard for us. I know you grew up around classical music, but you've really settled in the play style that we've created over the last two years. I know we play rock and roll-themed stuff, but your keyboard really matters. It wouldn't be light music; it wouldn't be After School Tea Time without you, so thanks for playing with us and continuing to play with us."
Mugi felt a tickling sensation slide from her hot left eye down the side of her nose. She wiped the tear away and looked at Mio's soft warm smiling face.
"Yui, do you want to go next?" Mio asked.
"Can I compliment Mugi-chan?"
"I don't see why not," Mio responded, "You know what? Since Mugi's felt unappreciated, let's just make this a Mugi compliment circle; since obviously everyone wants to compliment Mugi."
"Okay," Yui put on a determined expression, which quickly faded as she looked the blonde directly in the eye.
"Mugi-chan, do you remember when I showed up to school absolutely soaked from the rain and you dried my hair for me?"
Mugi cleared her throat, "Yes, Yui-chan," it was the first thing she said since the compliment circle began.
"Yeah, well; as you know, my parents are on trips a lot. They have been since me and Ui were little, and the old lady next door would come over and give us treats. Anyway, nobody really did any of that stuff for me, I always took care of myself or I would help Ui and she would help me. Mugi-chan, you're the f-first person to pamper me in that way; and so I like to think of you kind of like a mother. Sometimes when I'm lonely or sad, I'll think of you and feel better. Thank you."
Yui wiped her eyes and gave Mugi a big smile.
Mugi had no idea what to say. More tears dripped down her silky face, but she kept smiling. She couldn't control her smile.
"Well, I guess it's my turn," said the twin tailed girl at the other side of the makeshift table, "and since we're just complimenting Mugi-senpai, this works out pretty well."
"I look up to all of you in different ways. But I look up to Mugi-senpai in a way that doesn't really overlap with anyone else," the junior looked at her, "The way you look at the world, similar to what Ritsu-senpai said, how you see everything with enthusiasm and joy. You see the absolute best in everything you see no matter how new or old it is to you. You're always 'shining', to put it simply. I've grown to be rather pessimistic and serious all the time, I would rather practice than sit around drinking tea; but when you offer to sit down for tea, I can't say no to you because I feel like you know what's best for me. I guess what I'm trying to say is… I really admire the way you view the world and I hope to, one day; see the world the same way."
Mugi sniffled and let out a hyuk, she put her hand over her mouth to hold it in.
Great, I'm crying.
"Mugi, put your hand on the desk," Mio demanded.
Mugi uncovered her mouth and put that hand on the desk; Mio grabbed it and cupped it in hers. Yui did the same to her other hand, there was nothing to stop the tears.
So Mugi let it out.
Throughout it all, her hands were enveloped in the warmth of her friends.
She didn't know how long it lasted, but she was insanely relieved when she had cried it all out.
When she opened her eyes, everyone was still there with warm smiles.
She didn't know what to say, her mind was blank.
"Thank you… so much."
"Thank you all."
She just kept repeating those words.
"Thank you."
"Thank you."
Ritsu interrupted her, "Everyone! Stand up."
With looks of skepticism and surprise, everyone including Mugi stood up.
Ritsu dashed around the table, passing Yui; and glomped Mugi.
"Group hug!"
Everyone followed, "Group hug!" they cheered.
Mugi couldn't help but giggle into the warmth around her.
I want you so much closer, echoed in her mind.
She wondered if she had accomplished that.
She wondered if it mattered.
Maybe it doesn't. If I haven't accomplished it now, I know I'll accomplish it soon
because I have my friends with me; and they'll want to be so much closer too.
They want me so much closer.
Thanks for getting this far, feel free to leave a review.
This one was probably worse than the others because I didn't ask UncleGrandpa14 to edit it for me, this story was done entirely myself. It was also different than the others, focusing more on the internal conflict rather than the actions it leads up to.
This is also one of the last stories I can write for a little while. I'm going to be unavailable for the next ten weeks or so, maybe longer. The good news is that I have a whole lot planned and already running. I have some stuff that aren't one-offs coming soon, I'm really excited about these longer projects.
Anyway, later.