"Commence equipment test."
Director Harry Pandey, Elena "Mira" Alvarez, Dominic "Bandit" Brunsmeier, and Marius "Jaeger" Streicher stood in an observation room separated from a large, empty, concrete testing chamber with reinforced glass. On the other side of the glass, Shuhrat "Fuze" Kessikbayev stood outside a plywood mock-up of a room, with the wall facing the observation room replaced with more reinforced glass. Inside the mock room was an ordinary living room, complete with a couch, chairs, a television set, and three mannequins in different locations.
"Commencing equipment test."
Shuhrat pulled his signature cluster charge off of his belt and pressed it against the wall, the four bolts digging into the plywood automatically and securing the device in place. He then pulled the pin out of the device and stepped back, stacking up on the door beside where the charge was placed. With his left hand, he pulled the detonator out of a pouch on his chest and pulled the trigger.
"Firing Matryoshka charge."
He waited for the muffled quintuple-thunk of the high-explosive charges ejecting from the device and subsequent explosions, but they never came. Instead, he heard what sounded like a kazoo play over his radio followed by laughing. He turned to look at the observation room to see Dominic and Marius wearing cone-shaped party hats, holding paper party blowers in their hands while laughing hysterically. Director Pandey was grinning behind the hand he was stroking his beard with, and Elena's face was too buried in her palm to be visible.
"Terminate equipment test," Director Pandey said behind a small chuckle. Shuhrat sighed and returned to the observation room.
"What did those two fools do now?" Shuhrat asked as he entered the observation room.
"See for yourself," Director Pandey pointed to a television screen mounted above the window. The screen displayed a recording of the equipment test from the perspective of a camera just outside the room. Shuhrat saw himself set up the charge and stack up on the door. When he set it off, instead of the charge ejecting its explosives, it ejected five small bursts of confetti. Dominic and Marius burst into laughter again when they saw it happen again on screen, like a pair of hyenas who just found their next meal. Shuhrat stared at the screen for a moment and chuckled.
"That was pretty good, actually," Shuhrat walked towards the exit.
"Don't encourage them!" Elena called after Shuhrat as he opened the door.
"What? It was funny!" Shuhrat looked over his shoulder to reply as he left. Elena just sighed in disappointment.
"I suppose that's the end of the test for now. You are all dismissed," Director Pandey said. With that, Elena, Dominic, and Marius left the observation room.
Later that day, Dominic and Marius sat across from each other in the mess hall, distanced from the other operators who were enjoying their lunch.
"Okay, Marius," Dominic started as he pulled a small notepad and a pencil out from a pocket inside his leather jacket. "We can cross Shuhrat off the list." He flipped through the pages until he saw the word 'Fuze' next to a plan of the prank they had just pulled on him, and drew a line through it.
"Who's next?" Marius asked, taking another bite from his food.
"That would be..." Dominic's voice trailed off as he flipped through a couple more pages of crossed-out names and plans until he found the last one still not crossed out. He audibly gulped.
"Well?" Marius asked impatiently. Dominic forced his eyes up from the notepad to look at his teammate with a fearful expression. He slowly turned the notepad around for Marius to see, pointing at the final name on the list.
"Scheisse."
"She's the last one on the list?" Marius asked as he paced back and forth in the dimly lit GSG-9 bunk. "Are you absolutely sure?"
"For the last time, yes," Dominic replied, frantically tapping his foot while he sat on the side of his bed.
"We can't just put her off until later and prank someone else instead?"
"No, we can't. We've already pranked everyone else," Marius' only response was an exasperated sigh.
"Fine. I was hoping my death would come a little bit later in my life, but I guess getting my throat sliced by that basket case of a woman is how it's all supposed to end."
"Oh, please. You won't die, Marius. Six wouldn't allow that."
"Six wouldn't allow what?" A third voice suddenly asked, making Dominic and Marius jump. They turned to the source of the voice and saw Monika "IQ" Weiss standing in the doorway.
"Monika? What are you doing in here?" Marius shakily asked.
"What am I doing in here? In my own team's bunk?" she replied.
"I… uh," Marius struggled to think of a way to correct himself. Before he could, however, Monika asked another question.
"What's the matter with you two? I haven't seen you this distressed since that time you tried to pull one of your pranks on Taina." The two defenders glanced at each other before Marius looked back at Monika and Dominic shifted his gaze towards the floor. "What ever happened with that, anyway?"
"Well, um… we-" Marius started before Dominic cut him off.
"We never went through with it. We were too afraid of what she might have done to us if she caught us."
"I think you mean 'when she caught us'," Marius corrected.
"Wait, so you're afraid of Taina?" Monika asked with a slight surprised chuckle.
"No!" They both raised their voices in unison. Monika only laughed harder, knowing the truth. Before they could retaliate and start an argument, she convinced herself to stop laughing.
"Okay, okay, okay," Monika started. "Do either of you have any ideas for what to do?"
"Not… not exactly," Marius stuttered.
"Okay, then let's think of something," Monika said. The next few minutes were spent by all three operators trying to come up with a plan silently in their own minds. Monika was the first among them to devise something, and she could just barely hide the devilish grin she made just at the thought of it. It was a good thing Marius couldn't read a facial expression to save his life and that Dominic wasn't looking. "I have an idea," she spoke up.
"What's your idea?" Marius asked.
"Dominic sets up a car battery in the middle of the room and attaches jumper cables to the door handle. Marius, you set up a motion sensor near the battery and a catapult rigged to launch a small object at her when the sensor goes off. This way, Taina will go to open the door, and get a shock. Realizing that she can't enter through the door, she'll find another way in. Once she gets in, she'll see the battery and go to disable it, tripping the motion sensor and getting hit with something," Monika explained.
"Are you sure that's a good idea, Monika?" Marius asked. "What if we get caught?"
"Those traps are remarkably similar to the ones we use in the field," Dominic added. "Even if this plan does work, she'd know it was us."
"She would know it was you anyway," Monika said. "Besides, I thought you might resist, so how about this?" Monika pulled her wallet out of her pocket. "If you do this, fifty Deutschmarks. Each." Dominic and Marius looked at each other and shrugged.
"Deal," they both agreed.
"Okay, the battery is in place and active, and the jumper cables are hooked up to the door. Are you almost ready?" Dominic asked.
"Ja, almost," Marius replied just as the motion sensor paired with the catapult via a wireless transmitter. "Good to go."
"Alright. Let's get out of here." The two defenders quickly escaped the room, Dominic grabbing the wooden door from the side instead of the metal handle and pulling it shut, pulling his hands away at the last second before they got crunched in the doorway. The door slammed shut, and the two ran for cover behind the corner of the wall further down the hallway. Marius crouched down peeked his head around the corner, Dominic leaned over his teammate and peeked while standing. They waited there and watched for several minutes until a familiar voice spoke up from behind them.
"What are you two idiots doing?"
Dominic and Marius both slowly turned around to see Taina "Caveira" Pereira behind them, looking down upon them with an expression of annoyed curiosity. Marius screamed at the top of his lungs as he collapsed against the wall, clutching his chest and hyperventilating. Dominic only flinched as he started to explain himself.
"We, uh, we were just-"
"-pranking someone?" Taina cut him off. Dominic only nodded in response. She shook her head disapprovingly. "Of course," she sighed. "Well, just remember: if either of you two desgraçados even try to pull one of your pranks on me, I'll kill you. Got it?"
"So you keep reminding us," Dominic replied. Taina only nodded as she continued to her team's bunk. Dominic sat down next to Marius, who was still trying to calm himself down from Taina's surprise appearance. "It's about to go down, Marius. Get ready," Dominic whispered. Marius nodded, steadying his breathing. Dominic leaned over to look around the corner again. He saw Taina reach out and grab the door handle, only for her hand to receive a jolt of electricity.
She jerked her hand back out of reflex and tried to shake the pain out of it. A sly grin appeared on Dominic's face as he turned to Marius for a moment and gave a thumbs up before turning back to observe his handiwork in action. Taina grabbed the door handle again, slowly this time, and was zapped again.
Dominic could see the anger growing on her face as she shook the pain out of her hand again before looking at the corner where the two pranksters were hiding. Dominic ducked his head back before she could see him. Marius started to get up to see what was going on but Dominic pushed him back against the wall and shook his head 'no'. Dominic waited a couple seconds before peeking again.
Taina had refocused her attention to the door. She looked it over for a few seconds before kicking it several times, eventually breaking a hole in the wood. She looked through the hole and saw the battery sitting in the middle of the room, with the wires from the jumper cables leading from the battery up to the door handle. She reached up through the hole in the door and yanked the jumper cables downwards, forcing them off of the handle. Now that the handle wasn't electrified, she opened the door and walked towards the battery, already plotting Dominic's murder. Before she could pick it up, there was a sudden whirring noise to her right. She turned to see what was causing-
Thunk
Plink
A device launched something at her, the projectile hitting her in the forehead. She recoiled at the impact, but strangely it didn't hurt at all. She looked down at the projectile: an empty soda can. She picked it up and examined it as well as the device that threw it at her. She looked at the launcher device, a miniature catapult, then down at the battery. Putting two and two together, she crushed the empty can in her hand and picked up the battery.
Meanwhile, Dominic and Marius had heard the thunk-plink of the mini-catapult launching the can and started cackling like mad men. They high-fived as something crashed onto the floor next to them. Dominic looked in shock and horror as he realized what it was: his battery. He looked around the corner again to see Taina staring him down from the doorway, holding the crushed soda can. He froze up, long enough for Marius to notice and look around the corner himself to see what was going on. Soon after he did, he was hit square in the forehead with the crushed soda can.
"Marius?" Dominic tapped Marius' chest, shoulders, and face repeatedly with his hand without breaking eye contact with Taina, trying to see if he was still there behind him.
"Yes?" Marius struggled to respond out of pure fear for his life. Taina started walking slowly towards them, gaining speed with each step.
"Run!" Dominic shouted as they both scrambled to get to their feet. In their rush, Dominic ended up further out in the open. Taina, now practically sprinting, used this short window of opportunity, diving to tackle him to the floor. Her move succeeded, she had the man lying on his stomach on the floor, and was holding his arm so far backwards that it dislocated. Dominic yelled in pain, making Marius turn around to see what was happening. Dominic just freed his working arm and pointed in the direction Marius was running, shouting something that sounded vaguely like the word "go", but strained by the pain of his arm. Marius understood, and kept running.
But Marius wasn't the only one who got the message. Taina saw it too, and looked up from Dominic to see his partner in crime running away. She quickly got to her feet and chased after him. Marius was fast, but not fast enough. Taina caught up to him in seconds, tackling him to the floor much like she did with Dominic. Only this time, she gave Marius a worse beating.
"So you pulled a prank on Taina, knowing full well that you would not get away from her unscathed?" asked Gustave "Doc" Kateb as he tended to Marius' injuries.
"To be honest with you, Doc, we never expected to get away from her alive."
"I thought you said she wouldn't kill us!" Marius turned his head quickly, causing him to grunt in pain.
"Well, I lied," Dominic shrugged, his dislocated arm now snapped back into place.
"Okay, gentlemen," Gustave began. "stay on those painkillers I gave you until the pain becomes bearable or subsides, whichever comes first." The pair glanced at their bottles of prescribed painkillers. "Marius, you'll need a crutch for the next few days, and as such you won't be combat effective for the duration of that time. Got it?"
"Got it," they both replied.
"And for the love of God, please don't do this again." Dominic mostly ignored Gustave's warning as he handed Marius his crutch. Marius stood up, putting the crutch under his arm and followed Dominic out. As they walked out into the hallway, they were met by Monika once again.
"I see you went through with it," Monika joked.
"That we did," Dominic agreed. "Now, I believe there was a deal we made before. Something about money you now owe us?"
"Damn, I was hoping you had forgotten," Monika chuckled as she pulled out her wallet and handed them both the money they agreed upon. "Don't spend it all in one place," she joked as she walked away. Dominic and Marius pocketed their money and gave each other a fist bump to celebrate another successful prank.
As Dominic and Marius walked off, Taina approached Monika from behind.
"Hey," Taina greeted. Monika flinched in surprise, not expecting her to appear.
"Mein Gott, Taina! Must you walk so silently all the time?" Monika asked angrily.
"Sorry," Taina chuckled. "I just wanted to thank you for setting that up for me. I've been looking to get back at them for all the pranks they've pulled on everyone."
"Ja, no problem. Want to do some sparring later?" Monika asked.
"Of course!" Taina accepted happily. "Meet you in the ring in five?" Taina held up her fist for a fist bump. Monika nodded and fist bumped her new opponent. Both operators parted and walked off in their separate ways.
So apparently it's been about a year and a half since my last upload. Time flies, huh?