Chapter Eleven
When she woke everything felt foreign. Dangerous. The hand around her stomach, the chest pressed to her back. But as dangerous as it was, she couldn't help bit feel so relaxed in his arms.
She'd never been one to stay like this, cuddle after. But just like her reaction to him, he was different. He wasn't like anyone else.
She doesn't know what it is about him that she lets see all the most fragile parts of her. But, he felt… safe. And so far he hadn't once broken her trust. He'd had chances to, but he just kept wanting to come back for more.
She sees it on his face, in his eyes. The emotion that he feels for her. That scares her, but what scares her more is the fact she's feeling it too.
She'd tried to love in the past, with Michael. She thought that was real, that that's what love was meant to feel like. But now she realises that it wasn't the case. Love doesn't beat you, love doesn't manipulate and control you. But at the time, she didn't know. She didn't realise what she thought was love, was just abuse.
Tony though, he feels safe. It's not the same as Michael because she knows better since then. She learnt what was real and what wasn't. And the way Tony looks at her, that was real.
As nice as this feels, how it just fits, she knows it will never work.
He has to go home, she'll go back to her usual life.
This last mission had been hard. The job should have been simple and she had it all planned out. What she didn't expect had happened and the fight she endured had been rough. She'd succeeded the mission of course, the man she had been sent to kill hadn't escaped her. But the fact three others went down in the process made her feel uneasy.
Sure, they were probably bad people too, but sometimes she wonders why she keeps doing this. The older she gets, the more she takes lives, its starting to weigh heavy on her.
You deserve better.
His words rung in her ears. Does she though? After everything she's done, does she really deserve better? She's not sure.
Tony doesn't know what she's done. He's from a different world to this. If he knew about all the blood that has stained her hands, would he still feel like this? Still want to be hugging her tight, sharing his bed with her.
He didn't turn away last night when she remined him what she does. He'd just clung harder to her, told her that she deserves better.
He's not the only one who has been getting upset about this sort of thing. Ezra had been on her case for a long time about her giving up these things. He wasn't wrong, but she just didn't know how to say no to her father. She was all she had left. Her mother, Tali, Ari, they were all gone.
She felt her grip to her father was the last she had of her family and disappointing him, she couldn't bring herself to do that. He was all she had left.
But Tony, he made her feel like she deserved better. The way he treated her, it was more than sex. He respected her… cared about her. The way he kissed every single one of her bruises, that wasn't about sex. That was something more.
Last night with him, she couldn't believe she'd let her emotions go. She had never cried in front of anyone. She didn't cry. And Tony, he didn't point it out, didn't talk about it. He just embraced her and let it happen. He was just there for her, to hold her tight and make her feel better.
She felt herself tearing up again at the thought.
He cared, about someone like her.
No one had ever cared so passionately about her. No one had ever treated her with such respect.
Other than Tony, Ezra and Azriel are the only two people who had showed honest care about her. And that's why she refused to let them go, they were her team and she would never let her father take the ones she trusted from her.
If she wouldn't let him take her team, why did she let him use her for his own gain? By making her murder people? And yes, she knows that sometimes, that's exactly what he's making her do. Not just professional assassination, it was cold blooded murder.
It made her sick. Made her feel worthless. Yes, she was good at it, but that's because that's all she's ever known. It didn't change the fact that it keeps her up at night, makes her feel like she doesn't deserve love.
Because she honestly doesn't think she deserves the emotion and tenderness Tony gives her. She feels like back home there's probably many women who would deserve the love he had to offer.
Not her, she wasn't deserving.
But she cannot help but come back to him, because he makes her feel like she does deserve it. She feels so relaxed, at peace when she shares her personal time with him. And it was addicting.
She's shared more of herself with him than anyone. Not even Michael. She wasn't this quick to let Michael in, but with Tony it just happened and she let him in without a second thought.
Dangerous.
In the end, she may never get her shit together and it will be hard when he leaves, but she wouldn't give these moments with him for anything. Even if it'll make it harder in the end, at least she'll know what it feels like to be happy.
Even if it ends up being just a passing memory.
Her hand finds his on her stomach. The clock reads just after 3am so she needs to make an exit. She doesn't want to be caught coming from his room when the sun is up. This was still a secret that needed to be kept.
Its hard, because all she wants to do is stay wrapped up his arms.
His soft snores tell her he's still fast asleep.
Its strange, because with him, she doesn't feel the need to sleep with her gun. She's done that for as long as she can remember, but with him, its totally opposite from everything she always lived by.
She tries to slip out from underneath his grip without waking him, but he stirs.
"You leaving?" he asks, eyes blinking as he attempts to wake himself up. He had been in a deep sleep. His hand grips her hip out of reflex. He doesn't want her to leave either.
She leans down, running her hand into the side of his hair, stroking softly. His eyes flutter closed at the touch.
"Yes, it is almost morning" she whispers against his lips. His hand pulls her closer.
"Okay" he whispers back. He knows why she needs to leave, knows they need to stay careful with this. Because it goes against all the rules.
She kisses him gently and he kisses her back, his lips lazy and half asleep. She smiles against him. Not only does she trust him, but he trusts her. He's half asleep and trusts her in his space, he's not waking up and making sure he watches her every move.
"Sleep. I will see you at work" she said, still running her hand through his hair, coaxing him back to sleep.
His hand falls softly from her hip and he wriggles himself into his sheets. Watching him like this, has her heart tight. She placed another kiss to his lips and slipped from the bed.
As she got dressed and collected her things, she heard his soft snores fill the room.
As she disappeared out his door she couldn't help but think how one man had made her rethink her whole life up till this point. How he had made her think that she deserved more than she let herself believe.
So far, she'd made it back to her apartment without detection. She was far enough away from Tony's now that if someone saw her, it wouldn't be suspicious.
She entered the corridor to her floor and her body went ridged and she felt sick.
Michael Rivkin.
He was walking down the corridor towards her. He wasn't meant to be here, he was meant to be in Sudan.
"Ziva" her name on his lips sounded dirty, like it didn't belong. She wanted to punch him in the mouth.
"Michael" she pressed out. She was not impressed. She got to her door and tried to get inside without further interaction, but it seemed like he was intent on talking with her.
"Work late?" he asked. Why he was keen on small chat was beyond her. She didn't want anything to do with him.
"Something like that" she replied shortly. She opened the door to her apartment and stepped inside.
He stepped to follow her. She could smell it then, the booze on him. He'd been drinking. She put a hand to his chest to stop him coming into her apartment.
"You are not welcome here anymore Michael" she stated firmly. He hasn't been welcome here in two years, not since the night when beat her so bad she was helpless and he took advantage of her.
Memories of that night hit her hard then and she was sick to her stomach.
His hand went to her neck then, in a very aggressive manor and he forced his lips to hers. She punched him then, but he fought her back. They got into a bit of a scuffle, he was trying to grab onto her and she began to panic that things were about to end down the same track as two years ago.
Not this time.
She pulled her knife on him then, pressing it to his neck. Hard. He stopped.
"Get the fuck out of my apartment" she spat angrily at him "I dare you to do anything else" she warned, pressing the knife into him until a small amount of blood ran down his neck.
Michael held her gaze, not backing down yet. There was something in his eyes that told her he wasn't okay with this. That her stepping up to him like this didn't sit well.
And then, he left without another word.
She slammed her door and locked it. Her back hit the door and she slid down until she sat on the floor. She dropped the knife, her hands going into her hair.
She cried.
Why was he coming back into her life right now? Why was he doing this to her? All she wanted to do right now was run back to Tony's apartment and climb into his arms.
The upset she had just washed away with her night in Tony's arms, has all come crashing back for all sorts of different reasons. Michael was not meant to be back, he was not meant to be in the same place as her. She thought she had made that clear to her father.
It seems as though it was time for her to have a talk with her father. And this time, she wont be holding back. Because she deserves better.
After a shower, no more sleep, and a change of clothing she was in her fathers office first thing.
"Ziva, come in" he stated from the seat at his desk when she opened the door. She walked in and stood across from his desk. He motioned her to take a seat but when she didn't he shot her a curious glance.
She folded her arms.
"Why is Michael here?" she asked, maybe with a bit too much anger. But she didn't care right now. His face showed her that yeah, her tone with him was unexpected.
"He is on a job for me Ziva" he explained, like the reason would be obvious.
"Well you know damn well he should not be here, I thought we agreed to that" she raised her voice. She had never raised her voice like this at him.
"Do not come into my office and-" he began but she cut him off.
"When your only daughter left is beat and raped by a man, and her only request is that he not be where she is and you can not even honour that, what kind of father are you" she all but yelled at him.
For the first time in her life, her father looked shocked. There were many words in that sentence that were confronting.
"He is here on work Ziva" he fired back at her. Like her accusation was ridiculous because he was here for that reason.
"Like there is not anyone else that could have done whatever he is doing. Just like me, when you have all these private jobs you need done" she raised her voice some more. His eyes caught sight of the bruises on her arms then.
"You are out of place Ziva" he raised his voice, standing from his chair. Not even one mention of her bruises. Did he really care about her?
"You are despicable" she accused, holding his gaze.
Before he could say anymore bullshit excuses and continued to defend himself, she marched out of his office and slammed the door.
She almost bumped into Abbott on her way out. His eyes held hers, concern on his face. He'd clearly heard far too much of the conversation she'd just had with her father.
"Excuse me" she whispered, trying to get out of there without having to talk about it.
Today was going to be a long day.