This is not a nice chapter. Really not nice. Heavy, heavy angst. Take this as your warning. SMUT.
Chapter Seventeen
She found him in his apartment and when she burst into the door, he wasn't the only one whose eyes found her. Derek and Ezra were in his room. She didn't know what they had been talking about but suddenly she didn't care, she wasn't in the mood. She was so fired up.
"Please leave" she gritted out, not looking at anyone but him. He looked nervous at her sudden anger.
Derek and Ezra didn't say a word to her, they didn't dare. Both however looked rather concerned about leaving Tony alone with her, but what was about to go down had nothing to do with either of them. This was about to get personal, really quick. As soon as the door closed behind them, Tony stood from the couch. She didn't miss the way he winced in pain at the movement.
"What the fuck happened?" she gritted out. He'd promised to leave Michael alone. She was so angry at him. He'd betrayed her. Her eyes flickered to his beaten face. Her heart fighting the feeling between worry and anger all in one.
"He attacked me" Tony stated, his voice tense. He knew exactly what she was thinking. That he'd attacked Michael. Tony stopped a few steps from her, he didn't dare get any closer.
"Why?" she demanded.
"Why do you think Ziva?" Tony threw back, like it was obvious.
She just stared at him, anger boiling in her. Could she trust Tony's word? She thought she could trust him, but now, she was not sure.
"Don't do that" he gritted out. He could see the way her mind was turning now.
"Do what?" she snapped. Her eyes were burning into his with absolute rage.
"Stop trusting me, don't lock me out" Tony replied. His eyes held such despair in that moment. He felt like she was slipping from his grip.
"Tony you killed Michael, how-" she began but he took a step closer to her, his hand pointing accusingly at her.
"Don't fucking do that, he tried to fucking kill me for sleeping with you, I had no choice" he was wild now. She could see the way his body shook at the anger that radiated through him.
He was breathing heavy; she was breathing heavy. The air was so thick with the tension between them right now. She was holding his gaze; he was so angry that she would even think that what had happened betrayed her trust in him.
All of a sudden, his hands were on her and he was pushing her against the door and his lips were hard on hers. She almost went to fight him, went to pull back, but she couldn't. She was so angry and her body held such tension, she needed this.
She wasn't happy with him; she was still so angry. She couldn't promise that this was about to be any kind of nice. Her teeth bit his lip hard and her hand came around his neck. She was not being playful with him, not at all. She was all kinds of rough with him.
But he didn't back down, he just pressed into her hard and shoved his tongue into her mouth. His hands ripped at her shirt then and some of her buttons went flying as he pulled it from her aggressively.
She was just as quick and harsh with his shirt; it didn't last long and she was pushing the fabric off his shoulders. She heard him almost growl in her mouth when he hurt at the way she touched him and his injuries, but with his growl came sloppier kisses. The pain was pleasure right now.
His hands were digging into her hips hard when her hand gripped his neck just that little bit harder. She knew there were going to be bruises after this but she almost craved that feeling, wanting to feel that pain to try and distract her from the way her heart felt right now. Her bra didn't last long and his hands were pulling at her belt, the sound of fabric tearing as he pulled at her pants.
Her hands weren't gentle when she tore his pants from him either. When she gripped him hard in her hand, he was suddenly pinning her firmer against the wall. He didn't give her simple pleasantries this time, he just pushed into her. Filling her without hesitation, all the way. She gasped at the sudden feel of him and her head dropped back when his mouth took her breast into his mouth and he let her feel his teeth.
This was rough, unforgiving, angry sex. God, she'd never felt so good.
His hips were fast, heavy. Deep. He was showing her just how angry he was too. He didn't stop when the picture on his wall fell from its hook at the way he fucked her against the wall, it just made him give it to her more. Her nails were probably marking his neck right now, but in saying that his teeth on her and hands were marking her just as much.
He pushed one hand into her hair then, pulling at the strands. Her eyes locked with his. His eyes held such upset, pain. Before she could look deeper into those eyes his lips were demanding on hers. His hand holding her up against the wall lifted her leg higher then and he started hitting just the right spot.
He got harder, she gripped at his skin, she could feel her body start to shake. When she let go, she didn't hold back her scream. She let it go. Fuck everything right now. She didn't care. He thrust into her harder when she came for him, when she screamed for him. Then he let go too.
His body couldn't hold them up this time and his legs gave out until he collapsed to his knees, making sure not to crush her. He gripped onto her hard, holding her against his chest as he leant his forehead on her shoulder. Her hands were holding him just as tight.
They were there for a long while, not talking, not moving. He honestly didn't know what to say. How to feel. He felt broken inside. He gripped her tighter at that thought.
At that she finally moved, trying to get up. She was avoiding his eyes. His hand went to her wrist then, trying to hold onto her. Because yeah, it felt like she was slipping away from him now. She pulled her wrist from him, not harsh, just gently.
"Tony" she warned. Her guard was coming up, her walls. His fingers dropped from her skin and he just sat there leaning against the wall, watching her.
"Don't do this right now" he whispered. He watched as she picked up her clothing, putting it back on. He couldn't help but feel the more she got dressed, the thicker her defence with him was getting. He wasn't going to stop her, clearly this is what she wanted. To leave. As she clipped her gun on her hip her eyes settled on his for the first time since she all but escaped his warmth.
"I can not do this" she said then, pointing a finger between them. The comment hit him hard, drawing all the life from him. He thought they were more than this.
"Then why the fuck did you come over here? Why the fuck did this just happen?" he was angry again. He stood, pointing an accusing finger at her this time. He watched her flinch at his words but she stood her ground.
"This should not have happened" she yelled back. Her breath was heavy. He couldn't help but think this whole fucking thing was some kind of metaphor, he was naked bearing all for her but she was clothed, keeping him at arm's length.
"You know Ziva, I never ever fucking misused the trust you gave me, but here you are fucking stabbing me in the back" he yelled, furious. He yelled so hard his broken body was aching at the effort.
Her eyes flickered from his then, going to the floor. He watched as she went to say something, her lips opening but nothing came out. He wanted to scream at her but he didn't think it would matter. She wouldn't hear him right now.
"I've been stabbed enough today; I don't need this bullshit from you right now" he all but whispered. He said it so quiet he didn't think she'd hear, but when her eyes snapped to his he knew she heard.
He didn't mean to be so harsh with her, but this was bullshit. Her coming over here, fucking him and then just walking out. She was meant to be the one that made this all better. Made him feel like he'd done the right thing.
"This was never going to end well, it should have never started" she whispered back, holding his gaze. He felt his heart breaking. He knows she was somewhat right; this was never going to end well. But why, why did it have to be real?
Couldn't he just hold her, pretend that this was going to be okay?
He felt his eyes go blurry with the tears he didn't want to let slip. When he blinked, he felt one fall. He knows she saw it; it was the thing that had her finally slipping from his grip. She left, slamming the door behind her.
He'd killed a man, he'd been beaten, he'd had his heart broken.
This day, couldn't get worse.
She couldn't love him; she couldn't give him what he needed. She shouldn't have gone over there. Why does this have to be so hard? How did this happen? Nothing in her life ever goes right. Most of her family has been ripped from her life and her father just kicks her into the dirt. Because he doesn't love her.
She doesn't exactly have any example of what love looked like. She was used, abused. She was damaged goods and he didn't need anymore pain from her. So, it had to stop. Michael, her father, this whole damn situation was the last straw.
They never would have ended well; he was always going to leave. And now, after what had happened today that fate was so close now. She doesn't want to hurt herself more than she needs to because he's already opened something in her and it already hurts. She also doesn't want to hurt him anymore. Because if they keep doing this, things will only get harder.
She had to do this. She had to let him go. She doesn't want to keep falling in love with the false hope of him. Because it's never going to work.
She hates herself for what they have done, seeing him cry as she walked out his door. She was falling apart at the feeling. She'd left him battered and bruised. This whole thing with Michael would have never of happened to him if she hadn't of shared herself with him.
She'd brought that on him.
She didn't want anything else to happen to him because of her. He's not out of the woods yet. She was a dangerous person and many people were out to get her. She had to let him go before he ended up worse than he had today.
She wasn't meant to be loved; she wasn't meant to love. But doing that to Tony, it was unbearable. Every goddamn second of it. This is why she shouldn't feel anything, she shouldn't let anyone in. She got to her room and slammed the door behind her. There was so much pain inside her right now.
It didn't take long for someone to knock on her door. She didn't care who it was right now, she wasn't answering the door. That's when her door opened and Ezra all but ran into the room.
"Ziva" his voice was soft. She knew he'd be able to see how broken she was.
"Do not go there Ezra" she warned him. She couldn't do this, couldn't talk about how she was feeling. She felt like her body was on fire. She was so upset, so mad. Her head was spinning. She could fucking smell his scent on her.
That's when she lost it. She grabbed her small table, flipping it over and sending her flower vase into the wall. Smashing. She fell to her knees, leaning over the toppled table, her life feeling just as sideways. She felt him come up behind her, his hand touching her back. But he did not say anything. He was just there for her.
"It is all my fault. I cannot take any of it back" she said softly. Ezra didn't have to ask what she was talking about, he knew. She blamed herself for Michael attacking Tony, that she cannot take back how much she let him in.
"He doesn't blame you" Ezra replied. Tony wasn't like that; he was a good person.
"That does not matter anymore" she was quiet, he felt her body shake under his hand. He knows that whatever happened in Tony's room was substantial. There was so much pain in his friend right now.
"Come on" he whispered "Lets get you in the bath" he lifted his arms under her, pulling her upright. She stood with him and her arms gripped him.
Ezra runs her the bath and she doesn't seem to care right now that she's undressing in front of him. He's her best friend and he's seen everything on missions. There were no secrets.
She only gets partly undressed because she sees herself in the mirror. Her eyes were wet and she couldn't stop looking at the marks he'd left. Bruises on her hips, angry teeth marks appearing from under her bra. She cannot wash away the feeling of him, because just like her skin, her heart was marked by him.
Her body shakes with tears in that moment. She almost wishes she'd never met him because she'd caused him pain, caused herself pain. Simply by the fact he made her feel loved. He'd never done anything wrong; he'd only given her everything.
Ezra's hands were on her shoulders then, holding onto her.
"I let him in and all it did was cause pain" she whispered. Pain to her, pain to him. It was all pain. Nothing about them was ever going to be anything other than that, no matter how good it felt to share herself with him. Open up to him.
"That's not true Ziva" Ezra returned. He'd seen the good it brought; it wasn't pain. It was real. It was love.
"I am tired" she said. Tired of trying to find love, tired of disappointing everyone. Love did not belong in her life and she needed to stop looking for it. It would only ever be her.
"Here, lets get you in the bath" Ezra said, helping undress her and he all but lifted her into the tub. The last time he'd seen her like this was after Michael had ripped her life apart. Why did two people who were so right for each other, who loved each other have to be so far away from each other?
He knows they were trying to protect themselves, because it was never going to end well. Their lives were so different, they were from the opposite sides of the world. He couldn't help but break at the sight of his friend. She deserved so much better than this. She deserved the love Tony had to give her.