Danni has a little gripe to handle before we get into this chapter. To the guest that left the review saying "Where's the update? You're slow with updates lately!" I didn't really appreciate that. I work a very demanding job, also with shift work so my sleeping patterns are up the wazzo. And believe it or not, when I'm not playing or training for football, I am writing my fanfiction so I dedicate a lot to this.
I try update more regularly but generally I don't get onto my computer until days off because I'm so exhausted from working overtime everyday and dealing with some heavy shit at work.
So please, only leave me nice reviews. I am damn trying to do my best for you guys. At the end of the day writing is my getaway from my hectic life and I share because I like positive feedback and I enjoy when people enjoy my work. Getting reviews like that make me not want to post. So, like I said in an earlier authors note, please be kind to people.
Chapter Nineteen
Her heart was breaking. Why had he done that for her? Risked his damn life for her? He should not have done that. Now, he lay in the hospital, broken. The bullet had missed his artery, but only just. If it had hit, he wouldn't be here. He'd be in the mortuary.
Why did the last time they spoke have to be so horrible? Why had she done that? She could have just stayed, made everything okay. But she didn't and she had run from him trying to keep him safe. She couldn't help but feel the pain it caused that if the bullet had been a little to the left, that would have been the last conversation they would have had.
That brings her so much pain. Why do they have to have so much pain, when they so easily made each other feel hope? She cannot be who he wants her to be. She would never be safe for him, would never be the right woman for him. She was Ziva David, Mossad. He just wouldn't understand. That's why she had to push him away.
But after yesterday, she'd wished so much that she hadn't. Because it hurts so much to push him away when all he does is make her feel like she belongs. Like she was special in life. He didn't have to risk his life for her, but he had. Like she meant something to this world, to him, and he couldn't let her fall.
He never let her fall; he'd always had her back. Always kept her trust. She wanted more than anything to sit at his side in the hospital, waiting for him to wake up. But she can't. She doesn't know what to say to him, doesn't know how to make this right. She doesn't know how to thank him for saving her life.
Ezra found her of course, where she sat with her bottle of whiskey. She was at her home in the country, the family house. She was the only one that really came here, when she needed the escape. Her father never came here anymore. She was sitting at the end of the orchard where the fields turn to open grass and you could see the hills turn into mountains. This was her spot, her getaway.
He took a quiet seat next to her and she offered him the bottle. He took it, taking a long drink.
"He's awake" he whispered. Ezra had been the one person holding her up through this. He would always be her best friend. He reminded her a lot of Ari, how he'd never let her suffer alone. But Ari had been away on mission's for years and she never saw him now, he was never there for her these days. She doesn't blame Ari; she blames her father. He uses them both.
"How is he?" she found herself asking, her voice low. She blinked into the sunset in front of her. God, she hoped more than anything he was okay.
"He's good, doctors said he will be alright" he told her, turning to her and handing her back the bottle "He's asking about you" he added when her gaze met his. She'd broken his heart, but he wasn't giving up on her.
That thought made her take another drink. It would be so much easier if he just gave up on her, let her slip away into the night without them needing to talk about this. But as much as she knows that's what she should do, it's not what she wanted.
"I do not know what to do Ezra" she sighed. She was fighting the battle inside her. The one between opening herself up for more heartbreak and closing down and protecting herself. Protecting him.
"It's not easy Ziva, but I think you both deserve more than you're allowing" Ezra stated, taking the bottle from her again and taking another drink himself.
"Where is the supposed to go Ezra? He will be returning back to America soon. It is false hope" she whispered.
"You're just trying to protect yourself, because you know how much you've let him in already" he said, giving her back the bottle and turning towards her.
"I've never seen anyone actually care about you like he does. And it's not meant to be sunshine and rainbows Ziva that's what relationships are about. But he has feelings for you and maybe you should take a chance on that. Just maybe you should think about what makes you happy in life, because the only thing that is ruining your life is this job, and it's going to get you killed before you can live your life and be happy" he stated, running a hand through his hair in frustration.
It took a lot for his words to sink in, because there was a lot in that one sentence. So much emotion was swirling in her mind right now. She cannot leave Mossad; it is all she has ever known. What more was she meant to do?
"I never planned on living this long" she whispered. And she hadn't. She saw the pain in her friend's eyes at that comment.
Her family was taken from her young and she joined Mossad young. She didn't expect to live until she was old, much like many of the people in her department. She expected herself to join her family. She never planned on being loved, being happy. She only lived her life for her work, expecting it to retire her before she needed to.
"Yeah well you were always too much of a realist for my liking, maybe it's time for a change" Ezra touched her hand then, curling his hand around hers. Her eyes met his and she squeezed his hand back.
Maybe.
Maybe this was not who she was meant to be. If her mother and her sister were still here would they be proud of the woman she had become? Or would they be saddened at the life she had led for herself?
Her mother had always been someone to share cuddles, kisses with her. Remind her how important she was in this world and that one day she would do great things. Her mother was a lover, not a fighter. She herself had always been a fighter, not a lover.
She chuckled lightly at the thought of her mother scorning her for being so stupid. Ezra's eyes were on hers at that.
"Thank you, Ezra," she said, squeezing his hand again. He smiled at her.
"I just want to see you happy" he returned. His hand let hers go at another squeeze and he reached over and grabbed the bottle off her again.
"Now stop hogging this and learn to share better" he said, laughing.
She laughed with him. She couldn't help but think he wasn't wrong, she definitely needed to share better. Share herself with someone who truly cares and protects her without a second thought.
He'd been in hospital two days and he hadn't seen her yet. He'd asked Ezra about her, that he wanted to see her. He was so pained by the fact he hadn't seen her yet. It hurt more than his wounds. But he knows her and he knows she's still struggling with everything between them so he understands. It still doesn't make him feel better about it though.
Today he was being released from the hospital. He was free to go. He'd be on light duties for a while following this but he was all stitched up and loaded with painkillers. He also hadn't talked to anyone back home about what had happened. He didn't know how to go about that conversation.
He would need to call Gibbs tonight.
They were having a de-brief at the Mossad base tonight and the next steps would fall into place. So, once he'd have that meeting, he'd know what was happening. Know when he was leaving.
Derek and Sarah had come to pick him up from the hospital and he was given crutches to help him keep some of the pressure off this leg for the next few days while things started to heal. He found it wasn't so bad standing, he didn't feel like he really needed the crutches but when he tried to give them back Sarah almost slapped him.
God he was going to miss his friends when he goes back home. He was also going to miss her, so much.
They got back to the Mossad base and as they came up to the apartments there she was. Leaning on the railing outside his room and her eyes were watching him. She had a soft smile on her lips and as he got close, he could see how much regret and pain gripped her gaze.
"Want us to catch you up later?" Derek said quietly, there was a smirk ghosting on his face. Of course she was here, waiting for him. Tony chuckled lightly.
"Yeah thanks. And thanks for picking me up" Tony returned and Derek just placed his hand on his shoulder.
"Anytime brother, just preferably not from the hospital next time" Derek stated, Tony laughed. When Derek and Sarah walked off back to their apartments, he worked his crutches until he got in front of her.
She held his gaze for what felt like forever, so many different emotions in her eyes. Her hand came up to his cheek then, touching him so softly. Her thumb ran across his cheek, burning the skin there with affection and he felt his heart warming at the touch. Because she wasn't angry, she didn't hate him. Her touch was caring.
Her body came to his then, her hand wrapping around the back of his neck and her other going around his waist. Her face was pressed into his neck, her breath tickling his skin. His hands came around her back, pulling her even closer. He pulled her so tight to him that he thought he was going to break her.
And right now, out in the open, they were exposing so much to anyone that was around. But she wouldn't have hugged him out here if she gave a damn about what anyone thought. Just as much as him, she didn't give a damn what anyone thought about them anymore.
"I am sorry" her breath was whispering against his neck, her hands gripping onto him with such force.
"I'm sorry too" he whispered right back into her curls, because they both had a lot to apologize for. None of it should have happened, but they were both scared. Scared of the feelings inside and what they meant. He's not sure how long he held her like that, but his leg started to get sore and even though he didn't want to let go, he didn't want to collapse and make himself look like an idiot.
"You want to come in?" he offered. It only just occurred to him that he never had to invite her in before, she normally just came and went as she pleased. Because she never really had to ask and he never really had to offer, she was always just welcome in his space.
He felt her nod against him and her hands were slipping from his sides. The heat of her was instantly missed. He hoped that he could feel that heat again, god he missed her so much. It felt like it had been forever since he touched her. He couldn't help the sting of guilt in his chest at the memory of the last time they had touched.
She clucked at him to make himself comfortable and he couldn't help but smile. His Ziva was back, the one that was easy with him, relaxed. Maybe she needed those days apart from him to think about things, settle her mind. He didn't realise how much he'd needed that space too until right now. Because he'd thought about a lot.
He settled himself on his bed while he watched her make them some tea. He'd never been a big tea drinker until he'd met her, she's started to grow on him already. And really, that's just more scary thoughts to add to the already big list when it comes to how he feels about her.
He couldn't help but smile when she walked over to him and handed him the tea before grabbing some pillows and propping his leg up. He wonders if she realizes that's she's a little domestic. She picks up her own tea and settles herself down by his hip, so she's facing him.
One hand is holding her mug and the other came to rest on his thigh. The touch was soft, like she was claiming him. Her eyes settled on his then.
"Was this ever going to have a future?" she stated, her words soft and quiet. Because they both know they are from opposite worlds. He brought his free hand to cover hers, holding onto her.
"I tried not to think about where this was going" he replied. Thinking about it always was upsetting, never good. A small sad smile graced her lips then.
"Me too" she replied. Because much like him, she never wanted to think about where this was going, it was too hard.
"I just wanted to live in the moment with you" Tony told her, gripping her hand a little tighter "Because you always made me feel happy when you were around" he admitted. This was the first time he'd started to admit how she felt to him. It wasn't much but it felt like a heavy weight was being lifted off his shoulders.
Her eyes were softening, her walls were down for him again. He found that interesting because while he thought about it the last few days, he thought a confession of feelings would make her put her walls up, not open more for him.
"It is always scary how comfortable you make me feel" she was the one admitting this time. It had been hard for her, because her eyes dropped from his at the weight of her own words.
"It scares me too" he said, bringing his hand to her jaw then, lifting her gaze back to his. Her eyes were wet.
"Tony" his name was soft on her lips "I do not know what to do, I do not want to us to fight. It hurts, but where is this supposed to go?" she was being rational. She remembers what Ezra said but she cannot just make such a life changing decision at the drop of a hat. Her whole life was here.
She tried to drop her gaze from his again, because it hurts admitting these things.
"Hey" he said quietly, his hand weaving into her curls "How about we just enjoy this while we can, when I fly back home, I want to have no regrets about any time wasted when I could have been enjoying your company" he explained. He still didn't know what to do. Yes, this was going to hurt regardless when he left so he wanted to make the most of her before that point.
Her eyes were sad, but he knew she realized he was right when she nodded into his palm. She placed her tea on his bedside table then, because she didn't really want it. She moved and lay herself down on his bed next to him.
Her head leant on his good thigh and she all but clung to the side of him. He stroked his hand into her hair, slowly running his fingers back and forth. He watched her close her eyes at the touch. They both know this was still going to break their hearts, but why waste the time they had left when they could still have that feeling? That feeling of love.