A Home You Never Knew How to Have

by DarkPoisonousLove

Valtor's never had the warmth and trust of home before he met Griffin. He has enough faith in her to have her be his Domme but outside that part of their relationship he has to be careful not to slice his heart in pieces on the jagged edges of his insecurities. Can he find his way to her when she's lost in her own blurred lines of love and fear? Part 1 of "Dance of Devotion".

4. Chapter 4

A/N: Here comes this monstrosity, at last. This chapter took ages and a ton of motivation and patience but I am actually really happy with how it turned out considering how much there was to cover.

No sexual content in this one but there is a discussion of various kinks and setting of hard limits and other boundaries. Potentially some triggering things in the parts where they discuss past experiences such as sex mishaps and some carelessness bordering on consent issues.

---

His gaze was running over the pages too fast for him to comprehend the blur of letters. He'd tried to fill the emptiness that Griffin's absence left in his apartment with the book she'd lent him but all he'd managed was attempting to feel her skin from where she'd held the pages while going through them.

She usually gave him a fantasy novel or a good mystery that had the cogs in his mind turning to find the answer to the puzzle. Dramas weren't that rare on her reading list either and the one or two she'd recommended to him had been just the perfect level of dramatic.

This time, however, she'd left him a romance novel–he'd been more surprised by the fact that she'd thought he'd like it rather than by the fact that she owned it–and that was bad enough in and of itself with how it sent his heart racing towards her but all he had was his own yearning to drown into. The sex scene he'd painstakingly made his way to only had him spiraling down the rabbit hole of fantasies that had his head spinning. It wouldn't have been a problem if she'd been there to catch him. In the empty apartment, though, it was like flooring the gas on a car that had no brakes.

He glanced at his phone once again only to find the screen still as dark as a black hole in space eating all of his patience and attention.

Griffin had asked for a few days and had promised to call him when she was done with whatever homework she'd mentioned. They both still had work to get in the way of their personal lives and he'd even tried to use his own as a distraction to kill the time. He'd had no other options after he'd been unable to fall asleep again once he'd woken up–getting up earlier on the weekends had become a reflex as what he opened his eyes to was the pearly smile on her face that only accentuated the golden gleam of her gaze–and training had left his mind too unoccupied to be bearable. Even the paperwork making him want to throw himself out the window instead of simply shred it to pieces had proven powerless against the fantasies of her company, however.

He'd relocated from his study to the dining room where his eyes were more often on the kitchen island than on the book as Griffin's presence was more tangible there. He could still see her cooking for him after their little experiment when he'd been too exhausted to stand up. It had been so intimate to have her moving around his kitchen–it had become her realm along with the rest of his apartment ever since he'd first brought her there and they rarely went out anymore–and all he wanted was to have her in his eyes and his arms again. Though, that last part was rather questionable were they to continue with their arrangement. Just another reason for anticipation to scorch at him like he was a meal forgotten in the oven.

A knock on the door pulled his gaze away from the page in front of him. Normally, he wouldn't have heard it–pretty much the entire point of not having a doorbell–but he had nothing other than quiet to keep him company so even an annoying neighbor would prove welcome. Just this once, as an exception.

He pushed the bookmark between the pages hastily and made his way to the door in a semi-successful delusion that he was keeping to his usual unhurried pace. He didn't need his impatience leaving the wrong impression in whoever was at the door or in him.

Any one of his friends would have called before dropping by so the best he could hope for was someone asking him to take care of their plants which he might have gotten slightly more interested in since he'd met Griffin. He'd always been more for animals but waking up to her talking to the gardenias he'd gotten her and promising to take good care of them–which he'd learned wasn't such an easy task when she'd laughed at seeing them and had told him they could be pretentious while she'd checked them for white flies–had made him view plants as living organisms, too.

He'd ended up with Dracaena–one in his apartment and one in his office–that he was handling for the moment so he was more confident in his plant care skills and could even accept the request. Especially if it was the elderly lady from the floor above whose pleasantries he'd always taken as annoying before but Griffin had spent two minutes talking to her and the old woman had looked like she'd cry from happiness. It had made perfect sense with Griffin's explanation that the woman was just looking for some human contact now that her children had their own lives.

He'd tried talking to her the next time he'd seen her on the stairs–apparently, she had claustrophobia that kept her from using the elevator even at that age and he preferred the exercise of climbing the stairs after a whole day in his office chair–and the gratefulness she'd radiated had been still as surprising but not any less invigorating–especially since she'd told him what a cute couple he and Griffin made–and he'd found himself making small talk with her ever since. He could use some company himself. Unless of course it was his next door neighbor with a complaint about the noise again.

He swung the door open at the face of a potential confrontation only to find himself staring at the warmest smile he'd ever seen and the golden eyes that had his brain melting from giddy confusion. And the waves of purple hair spilling over the light brown of her coat weren't helping either, tempting him to tangle his hands in them and hear her moans.

"Griffin? What are you-"

Her lips were on his, effectively shutting down his entire system for anything that wasn't her being. The seductive perfume fumes rolling off of her filled his lungs along with her breath that carried a faint taste of mint. It only accentuated the sharp feeling of freshness her closeness brought him and the impulse to lock all that in his embrace only registered when her fingers circled his wrists and held them off her body. She seemed to have more presence of mind than him in the heat of her kiss and it looked like she'd come to play.

Her tongue came out to greet him, tangling with his and erasing any memory of questioning her visit, nearly destroying his ability to speak altogether since no words would allow him to caress her the same way the kiss did. And she had his hands on her, sliding over her neck to feel her heart saluting their warmth and tenderness. He could fall to his knees for her right then and there if it wouldn't pull him out of the kiss that he wanted to savor and Griffin kept giving until he couldn't take anymore and had to pull away.

It left him gasping for air and staring at her to drink in the view, which may have been exactly her goal since she wasn't quick to pull away from him until it dawned on him that the door was still open behind them.

Griffin must have heard the pieces clicking in his head now that his breathing was somewhat reined in and moved to grab the shopping bag she'd left on the threshold–his mind ran away from him with the idea she'd done it to be free of everything else and give him a proper greeting clasped into it tightly like it was a piece of gold in the hands of a thief he couldn't catch–and close the door. No need to give the neighbors a spectacle if they hadn't already. And he very much preferred to keep her all to himself.

"What's that?" he asked, the pull of curiosity so irresistible that it had his eyes leaving her to find the bag she was holding. It could easily be full of groceries for dinner but his mind insisted it had something to do with the arrangement they'd made the previous week. Griffin's behavior sure seemed like a confirmation.

Her fingers on his neck fished his attention out of the thoughts in his head and had it back on her just in time for the full intensity of the quick kiss she pulled him into to hit him. Her lips were on his again only to be gone the next second and leave him with the shock of having his whole body pulled into her orbit just to be released again. The tone of dominance was sharp like a crystal shard and cut off any other thought aside from his willingness to surrender to her demand to be hers.

"Those are a lot of questions from you when I'll need answers instead," Griffin left the bag dangling on his coat rack and grabbed his hand pulling him away to make sure he wouldn't look. Not that he'd dare after the clear sign to focus on her. And the coat she was wearing at the very end of June. Piquing his interest was a priority for her if she was ready to pay such a high price for it.

She dragged him back to the table in the dining room, a smile tugging at her lips at the sight of the book lying there but no comment to follow it. It was the loudest statement that he'd been thinking about her and it needed no words from either one of them, the content obvious on her face and in the way she squeezed his hand.

She turned around to face him and leaned in, her lips so close to his he could kiss them if he dared breathe but she paused there and he had to wait for her initiative no matter how badly he wanted more of that red lipstick smeared over him and out of the way so that he could taste her naked lips. She wasn't in a hurry as she looked at him instead, her eyelids rising slowly until she caught his gaze. The light air of control coming from the golden waved through all the blockages in his mind to release the yearning he'd managed to contain behind the memories of their kiss and the breath rushing out of his lungs seemed to chase her away but she only leaned further into him instead, her lips tickling his ear with their proximity.

"Sit," the word caressed his hearing despite the hissing sound it contained and he gladly let it slither inside him and wrap around his muscles to have him do as instructed.

Griffin didn't let go of his hand even as he made it back into the chair he'd had trouble keeping himself in before, her order grounding him firmly in place.

"We have things to discuss," Griffin said, the smile on her lips what made him aware he'd parted his to suck in a breath. Her smugness was all his doing, her effect on him coming through in every movement. "Unless there's something else you want to do?" That was just wicked when he had slight trouble breathing and couldn't even admit his eagerness. Not verbally, at least.

Valtor shook his head not trusting his voice to form the right words–or any words, really–now that she'd already seduced him into his role of submission after she hadn't said a thing about it all week. He'd barely heard her voice, which had been especially harsh after he'd gotten used to her casual calls to ask about his day and bid him goodnight–sometimes scream his name to him despite all the physical distance between them and only his words, his sounds, to touch her with–and she'd shown up just like that, the best surprise he could've asked for.

"You're going to have to do better than that with your answers in the future," Griffin's words lacked a bite, "or I will have to punish you," she bent over to bring their faces close again, her free hand resting on his knee, much farther away from where he wanted her than his thoughts were.

Keeping his gaze on hers and not on the distraction of her cleavage she was offering so generously for the price of unknown consequences was a challenge. Even his best efforts couldn't save him once she brought his hand up to her mouth and let her breath caress it before her teeth bit down into it like he was a meal she'd cooked and he didn't know how far off from the truth he wanted to be in that comparison. She would never hurt him–not intentionally, at least–and he was ready to forgive any mistake she could make when the pain was accompanied by her gentleness.

"Ouch?" he offered, the playful sound paving the way for a sheepish smile.

Griffin released his hand only after she caught his gaze again, possessive over his attention and holding all of it carefully. "Did I hurt you?" the teasing tone only thinly veiled all the care in the core of her voice. "Let's go over our rules so that you can spare yourself other punishments," she didn't give him the chance to get a sound out of his open mouth protecting him from his own cleverness. All good with him as long as they were getting closer to having her on top of him.

The protest echoed inside him when she let go of his hand and moved to sit down as well.

"Is there a problem?" Griffin asked, her own face mirroring the frown his was distorted into.

She'd noticed his discomfort, of course. She was good at that. So good he didn't know what she was doing in his apartment when they were people and not magnets and the difference between them was supposed to push her away and not draw her near. And if it was a broken law of nature that was keeping her with him, then he hoped it would never be fixed.

"No," he shook his head for extra emphasis but his eyes still followed the outlines of her coat, the way she held it closed over her legs to deny his gaze access to them and deny his heart rest, his mind racing with assumptions and forcing it to keep up.

Griffin seemed to catch on to that as well. "Valtor, we need to be honest with each other for this to work," she said, making him swallow hard even as she offered him a hand instead of keeping it clutching at her coat.

It couldn't ease any of his restlessness until he took it and he couldn't do that. He didn't want to drag her down where she wouldn't be able to breathe along with him. He had to do everything he could, everything in what little power he had, not to be the one to hurt her.

"It's your coat." His teeth clenched together to grind to dust the scream that wanted to claw its way out of his throat at her refusal to even react before he'd gotten everything out. Even if it made him choke, he had to keep it in, for it would certainly hurt more, hurt them both, if it reached their ears. "I feel like you're preparing to leap out the door the moment I say something..." he trailed off under the insistent burn in her gaze that didn't leave the impulse to belittle himself alone until it caught fire and crumbled in a heap of ash carried away by her even breaths, "wrong," he said instead as that was somewhat more objective.

"That's not a punishment I've ever considered," the seriousness of her voice complemented so well the playfulness of the words and the warmth of her hand as she took his and held it safe in her palm, his fingers losing the tension of the impulse to fidget. "I'm here to discuss what will be acceptable to you and then keep to that," her hand rested in his like his own heart hadn't been able to do in his chest. "I would gladly remove the coat but that would spoil the surprise."

That had him perk up instantly.

"Surprise?" he almost pulled his hand out of hers in his vigor. "Well, now you have to show me," he squeezed her hand in a silent plea. His mind dumped various scenarios, all in different cuts and colors, before his eyes as to what could be hidden under the brown fabric of her coat and for the first time he wished he had magic.

Griffin smiled but the look in her eyes was still firmer than he could hope to be in his demand for her to show him. "I don't want you getting distracted. We have important things to discuss."

"Too late for that," Valtor used what restraint he could find not to pull her hand over his penis and let her feel the proof for herself. It was getting harder to ignore as he held her touch between his fingers in an ironic tease that had him exercising control of his muscles to keep from taking more than she'd given or thrusting his hips against the emptiness between them to push it out of the way.

"Be patient for me." The order was so striking with how much like a plea it sounded and he was sure he'd lose his mind to her if she kept feeding him paradoxes like that from her palm.

Luckily, she offered some respite as she cupped his cheek and he leaned into her tenderness that was just as good for him to lose himself in as her mind games and seduction were. He covered her hand with his, letting his touch slide down to soak up all the contact in his reach only to be met with cold at her wrist.

He looked down to find a wide silver cuff bracelet adorning the place, the cool shine of the metal mocking him as it concealed her skin from him and his gaze was clashing with hers in an instant to demand an explanation. She wasn't much for jewelry and the most he'd seen on her had been a ring with an amethyst gem on her hand and a simple tree of life pendant lying calmly on her chest. The current piece was definitely out of place with its size and flashiness.

"Ediltrude lent them to me," was all Griffin offered to have him glancing at her other wrist as he pulled her hand towards himself to find a matching bracelet there too, taunting him in company with her words. It was all a part of her plan and despite the shine coming from the jewelry, he was still in the dark when it came to that.

"You'll burn me with curiosity," Valtor murmured, half out of breath that was gone feeding the flames of yearning she was setting in his head.

"Well, you have ice, don't you?" Griffin made his gaze dart to the fridge if only so that he could keep it off the smirk she was giving that made her lips too seductive. "We can put the fire out at any time," her amused tone had him looking back at her which killed even the faintest idea to glare at her when she winked at him to complete the effect of the full smile she was giving him and have him in need of fingers pressing the reset button as he was crashing hard, all of his memory falling apart to make space for that image after he hadn't managed to find a precedent anywhere in his system.

It was Griffin's hand traveling from his cheek down his chest that had his brain kick into motion again and his muscles responded, pushing themselves into the safety of the touch.

She pulled away right as she was about to touch the need she'd grown in him from the little seed that had been planted from the moment the gold of her eyes had shined on him. "Let's focus on the conversation, shall we?" she caught his gaze to steer him and it worked far more effortlessly than he'd expected it to. She'd given him a good motivator to focus on her.

"Okay," he straightened in his chair to make himself comfortable. If there was one thing his job had taught him, it was to keep his mind calm during important discussions and any physical strain could very well get in the way. He needed to lose that first. If she would allow it. "What shall I call you while we're in our roles?" he fired out, his thoughts harder to rein in than his trained muscles.

"There is time for that," Griffin held him back, taking on the role of the self-control he often lacked outside of his profession like she was a part of his being. He couldn't even mind the limitations she was putting on him when they kept the whole world out and her – inside with him. "We should start with the more important things first."

"Oh?" His surprise was impossible to hide so he offered it to her as a gift. "You have a plan?" He should have known. She always had a plan for cooking dinner. She certainly wouldn't leave assembling a scenario to blow his mind to chance.

"I did my best to do my homework." The instant answer was accompanied with a smirk that dragged forward the realization in his mind even though she hadn't showed teeth to bite into it.

He had to brace himself against the table to withstand the momentum of his thoughts that almost pushed him out of his chair and at her feet. "Wait, is that what you were doing all week? Planning this conversation?" That was... far more dedicated than a pact of mischief or inconsistent booty calls that were as far as romance had gone for him.

"That and researching," Griffin wrapped him in the care of her admission to keep him steady when all he ever got from confessions were headaches since he was the one that had to deal with the consequences and protect his clients from them. "This might seem like fun and games but it should be taken seriously." Her gaze darkened with all the ways in which their game could go wrong casting their shadows over it.

"Now I feel a little left behind," Valtor admitted since hiding in them would only make them thicker until they swallowed her. He'd said they were together in it only to leave her all alone against the future so that he could jerk off to the past she'd given him and the fantasies his own mind was stuffed to the brim with.

"No worries," Griffin's playful tone shined a light on his heart through the bars guilt had trapped it in. "Just follow my lead. Isn't that what this is all about anyway?" she smiled and he couldn't breathe to not disrupt the rhythm of her self-assuredness with a movement she hadn't set out to cause.

"Better get comfortable with it then," he murmured as he put all his efforts into assembling the words she wanted from the blubbering mess she'd rendered his mind into so quickly. It was far easier to surrender his body to her but there was more to being her submissive and he'd be damned if he missed his chance to be good in the one thing he genuinely wanted to excel at after he'd put so much work and time into things his heart didn't beat for. He'd given his life to things far less deserving of it than she was.

"Well," Griffin tilted her head, "used to it, at least," she said, perfectly still in her chair as her voice leaped for him and sent his heart racing – not to escape from it but to dive into the mischievousness spilling from her. "I am not sure how much room there is for comfort in the role you've chosen for yourself," she drawled out, the feeling of her shoe brushing against his calf jolting his whole body as if she'd nipped at his neck to drain every coherent thought out of him.

"Griffin, please," he clutched at the chair as if that would help him piece back together his breathing pattern that was responding to the pressure of her shoe against his leg but was too scattered to be described as following the map she was drawing. "I have only so much focus and you are testing it already." To put it mildly. He didn't dare let go of the chair for he would grab her arms and pull her in his lap where he'd be the one with access to her body instead of the plaything she held in the palm of her hand. "You may want to slow down if I am to last to the end of this conversation." Slow down with the teasing that was. Too much time to think and he would just end up in the bedroom again even if she wanted him in the kitchen with her.

"Okay," Griffin dropped her foot to the floor and adjusted in her chair allowing him to stop gripping at his. "But meet me halfway and concentrate." That wasn't supposed to be so hard with all of his focus grounded under the sole of her shoe. His thoughts didn't even slide up her leg to the surprise she had for him under her coat. Instead, they were on the breath she used as her pause before she spoke again. "You could use the practice in the future." Her eyes were on him looking for the line she couldn't have crossed when she hadn't moved an inch.

"Already having plans for my attention?" Valtor arched an eyebrow to give tangibility to his interest.

The corners of her mouth twitched up. "Ideas maybe," her voice was just playful enough for him to feel secure in what the future had to offer, yet she didn't let her control betray both of them. "But it all has to wait until we've figured out the basics," the seriousness threaded itself back into her words to weave a safe experience in the present that he could fall into like it was the sanctuary she turned his bed into with her presence.

"Right," he let himself follow her directions. "Let's do that then so you can start figuring me out." If she hadn't already.

"I like the sound of that." Griffin smiled at him to support her words and his heart. "Okay, the first thing I want to ask you is what your expectations of this... arrangement are," the tension in her face spoke as much of her nervousness as it did of her displeasure with the word she'd chosen.

He could have sighed in relief that she hadn't taken more time to ponder it if his whole body didn't stiffen. "What do you mean what are my expectations?" his muscles were torn between leaning forward in his attempt to understand or leaning as far backwards as he could until he fell out of the conversation.

"Okay," Griffin said, "I'll go first to illustrate what I mean." She pressed her palm against the table as if the inanimate object was the only thing that could handle the touch of her nerves when Valtor would greatly prefer it on himself. It could thread him back in the loop again instead of leaving him a slave to his own mind.

"I don't expect you to dive in the depths of submission right off the bat," Griffin started, her discomfort filling the void cut into the space between them by the sharp contrast of the frankness of her words and her straying gaze. He'd think being so direct would take up all of her energy but avoiding eye contact was using up just as much. "In fact, I want to take it as slowly as we can for both our sake. I don't have any experience so I don't expect you to trust me implicitly and I am ready to establish a foundation and work from there. I know what we're setting out to do requires time and we are both busy with our jobs so I am not trying to delude myself that this will be a daily thing." All of her words lined up perfectly with her logical nature, yet the light of her eyes was still running away from shining on him. "We'd better assign it to the weekends for now, actually, so that we can take our time."

Time? She wanted time with him? That wasn't something anyone had asked him to give and he'd gotten used to clutching at it no matter how hard it made him bleed as it ripped itself free, not meant to be grasped in your hands. Giving it to others had left him all alone with it again, with more than he knew how to handle. He'd tried to squeeze its vast emptiness between piles of paperwork when his fists had been too tired to hold it inside them and he'd had to keep the loneliness away at all costs. Until she showed up and the sound of her breaths was filling not just his apartment but his heart as well for months now.

"These are all good points," Valtor said, pulling the right string now that his fingers were free to move once again to have her eyes meeting his, "but they are only things you don't expect of me. I am still unclear on what you do expect of me."

"Right," Griffin nodded. "Sorry." Her gaze plummeted to the ground like a bird filled with lead from a shotgun and he had to suppress the urge to stomp his foot against the floor to confirm it was still underneath him instead of a hole he was just waiting to fall through.

"It's fine," Valtor fidgeted with the impulse to touch her physically and not just with his words but the required movements would send too much ripples, the effect of which he couldn't predict, through the atmosphere around them. "I don't think I can be so comprehensible when it's my turn," he offered instead, hoping that would make her gaze light enough again to resurface in the waters neither of them could see through.

"Well," Griffin tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, "I might have thought about this." She looked at him as if the touch had brought back the memories of his fingers in the purple tresses that had reacquainted her brain with the commands it had to give to let her eyes meet his.

"Good thing you're the Domme because all I thought about was kneeling for you," he said to remind her of everything else she was capable of doing with both their bodies and not only. "Which, by the way, was more trust than I've ever given anyone else." His words were far too casual for his own liking but putting any more weight in them would crush him under the unshed tears he couldn't let his heart bleed on her. She'd already freed him of the struggle not to fall to his knees for her when his pride resisted the idea of bending under the load of the past on his shoulders.

Griffin bit her lip as if she wanted the fantasies to spill out of her, too, but caught herself short and switched to clearing her throat instead. "So... What I expect of you is to tell me if something makes you uncomfortable for whatever reason." Her gaze wavered again but she was just looking for the words she needed, her eyes on him once she found them. "You didn't tell me last time, Valtor, and I asked you to tell me if there was any discomfort with any part of what we were doing." Too bad those were not the words he needed clamping his heart in their vise.

"I didn't want to stop, Griffin," his eyes remained locked with hers. Hopefully, not shying away from her gaze at least would let her see through all the dams he put up around him to keep from drowning so that he wouldn't have to poke holes in them with his voice.

"I know, which is why I didn't stop," Griffin gave him more oxygen instead of using that already in him to feed the flames with which her eyes were scorching him. "But you promised to tell me and you didn't," she continued pushing at his walls even though they were just the ash left of his life that could crumble under a single breath of hers. Or of his for that matter since that would be enough to push her away.

"There are things from my past I don't like to talk about," he tried to keep his voice level despite barely being able to hear himself over the heart thumping in his ears to block her out. Why did she still demand words despite reading right into him? He was not a novel with beautiful prose or poetry.

"I get that," Griffin's hands were clasped in her lap as if she was holding her heart between them, holding it back from going out to him.

He doubted it, doubted speaking could be as hard for her as it was for him when she kept doing it. In fact, her voice reached him again, even over all the barriers he had in place to keep the world out of his being.

"But we need to be honest with each other," Griffin said. Or maybe she was pleading, but he couldn't look in her eyes where the truth would be at the risk of seeing tears. He stared at her hands instead. "You need to trust me." She was clutching so hard at herself and for the first time it occurred to him that maybe she was doing what he'd forced her to since she couldn't reach out to hold on to him. He'd refused her support. How was she supposed to believe she could seek some from him?

"It wasn't about trust-"

"To me it was," her voice was not a cry only because she was betraying her emotions for him, to spare his. "You said you'd tell me and you didn't. You didn't trust me and gave me a reason not to trust you." It wasn't that she didn't want to give him her heart. She was just trying to put the broken pieces back together.

"On my end it wasn't about trust," Valtor tried to explain. Apologies were not something he did and he had no idea how to fix his mistakes. "It was something that I simply didn't want to talk about. With anyone." He would love to let her in but he couldn't. He couldn't open the door just to have her look around and run for her life.

"Okay, that's fair," Griffin said, coddling his ego because, really, it was not. It was not fair to either one of them but life had never been fair to him so he'd started using that as an excuse for every bad thing he did. Otherwise, he was just your regular asshole. "But I have to be able to trust that you will stop if you need to," Griffin continued caring for him when he was already busy with that and leaving her at the mercy of the universe that had even less compassion than he did. "You don't have to tell me more than 'This is upsetting me and I don't want to do it right now or at all.' But I need you to tell me that. Because if you don't, it tells me you don't trust me to respect your limits."

His head snapped up to find her eyes free of the accusations against him like they'd always been with her judgment directed towards herself.

"I won't be disappointed or angry if you can't or don't want to do something, Valtor, I promise." Griffin pried her hands loose and offered him one far more easily than he could have imagined was possible. "Trust me."

Valtor reached over his walls to take her hand, not caring how about the strain on his muscles. He couldn't leave her hanging. "I promise." He was stunned by the relief coming from her when she squeezed his fingers. Almost as if she was reassured that the lifeline she was holding on to wouldn't snap under her touch. "What else do you expect from me?" he asked to bring her back on the solid ground she'd made the conversation into with her dedication to planning and research, her dedication to being good for him.

"I expect you to take this seriously," Griffin grasped at the chance to move on as hard as he was clutching at her, her stern tone only making his fingers close around hers like handcuffs the key to which lay in his heart and it would only release it once it relaxed. "The whole thing ends when you–or I–feel it should but that doesn't make it a game. If I am going too fast–or too slow–I want you to tell me."

"You're circling back to your previous point," Valtor put all the air he could squeeze out of his frozen lungs into the words to breeze over the chasm they'd just made their way out of. He'd have to let go of her to climb back out if they fell in it again but that would only send him falling further down. It made perfect sense unlike her refusal to cry out in his death grip.

"I just want to be sure we're on the same page," Griffin offered more security than a signed paper did with her warmth permeating his fingers to bring back their mobility. "But I accept the feedback, thank you." She smiled at him. She had a whole novel of body language to catch him in and keep him safe.

"Well, you said to tell you." He allowed himself to mirror her as she held him right there with her and didn't let him feel inferior, already taking command of his inner world as well as of the physical plane of existence.

"I did," the squeeze of her fingers was just playful enough to resonate through him like a promise for what was yet to come. "I want you to adapt your own expectations of me and my abilities," she shifted back to the conversation as if she hadn't just stroked the need in him. "I have no experience in this and I don't know how creative I can get. Don't expect me to blow your mind with my approach," she dismissed herself and her ideas so easily despite holding on to his thorns that she made him want to scream at the prickling he felt all over his skin in the atmosphere loaded with her doubts.

"I wouldn't worry about that if I were you since you already did." His mind had been in pieces ever since Sunday, all of them reaching in different directions towards her and the different experiences she could give him while still holding his trust and his satisfaction in the center like they were some divinity on a pedestal. "What else do you expect of me?" he asked to get them closer to bed where they could put her concerns to rest once he was writhing under her touch as she turned his being into a domain of pleasure.

Griffin ran through her mental checklist and the concentration in her expression was so intense it had images of rising flames swallowing him. He barely held himself in his chair with his whole body burning as the only relief lay in taking her face in his hands and kissing off all that sweet care she showed him. It was tempting enough to leave him squirming but it was not what she wanted so he settled for stroking his thumb over her skin instead–hoping it would soothe his impatience or nudge hers awake, he didn't know–while she took her time.

"I think this covers everything," Griffin's gaze returned on him just to see him blindsided.

The confusion chiseled creases in his features as he let go of her hand. "That's not much." And yet, he'd already had trouble following it. He was off to a great start.

"Well, neither of us has done this before. Baby steps is fine," Griffin caught him right there before he could be swallowed in the pit of guilt living in his stomach. It was a surprise he'd managed to build all that muscle mass with his mind constantly digested by that darkness he would've gladly traded for a void right in the middle of his body. "Besides, I think you expect more of yourself than I could ever want of you," Griffin said as if she could see right into it and she was not afraid to enter a staring contest with it even though he himself had always looked away.

"I could say the same to you." She was so good to him that he didn't know how to give her his gratitude without overwhelming her. Luckily, that was so much more pleasant to carry around even with the potential weight of turning into just another regret it held in its core.

Griffin chuckled. "Fair enough," she conceded. "But what do you expect of me?" Her eyes were on him like he was the only thing in the whole universe and the shine of the gold blinded him with its persistence.

"I haven't really thought about that," his muscles strained as his whole body got involved in his quest to hold her gaze so that there wouldn't appear any cracks in it that guilt could fill. Letting that happen would be like crushing her hands in return for the gentleness she'd touched him.

Griffin reached for him to hold him there with her once again. "You can always tell me if anything–anything at all–changes but if you can think of anything now, I'll be glad to hear it." Her fingers were almost trembling at the frequency of her anxiousness and it was shaking him too, throwing his mind left and right in his frantic search of a safe place he could pull her into only for him to stumble upon another one of the holes carved in his being that he'd stuffed with his selfishness.

"Just one thing," he spat out before he could choke on his self-deprecation and let her think it was her fault after she'd always been the one hushing the screeches in his head. "You've always done it anyway but I feel like I should mention it..."

"Of course," Griffin nodded, her fingers brushing over his as if to coax the words out of him.

"When we do a scene," he swallowed the rising impulse to dash out the door, "I would like you to stay overnight. Especially if it is in the evening. If we sneak a scene in the afternoon or something comes up unexpectedly, I can do with just a bit of pillowtalk but don't leave me alone with my thoughts late at night." Her moans and the words she'd said to him while he'd been on his knees had protected him from any doubts trying to cut through him – back then and now as well. "They tend to turn into nightmares that I don't want to associate this with." Maybe if he let her touch his tender places, she'd feel the anvil forming in his stomach out of all that iron-clad fear he'd gulped down through the years to keep it from slicing through the flimsy connections he'd made and she'd find a way to take it out without ripping him open in the process. But he had to break down his defenses. She was too considerate to even knock on them if she thought that could hurt him.

"I would like that, too," Griffin leaned forward as if to let him feel the heat of her body he'd gotten so used to waking up to that the mornings when she wasn't in his bed felt unreal. "Anything else you expect of me?" her chest heaved with anticipation as if her heart was readying to jump out of it to catch his words and shelter them in itself.

"Maybe some lingerie?" his own pulse was racing towards everything she had for him and was ready to leave the conversation behind despite how palpable it was against his senses. His mind was already huddled snugly between her coat and the warmth of her skin only accentuated by her surprise for him.

"I'll see what the budget has to say," Griffin's practicality grounded him back across from her with only her cleavage in his line of sight for the foreseeable future. "And no, you cannot buy me lingerie until further notice."

"Is that an order?" Valtor asked to add some mischief in case that was not what her words were made of. Keeping him guessing was a pretty solid bet when it came to her reason to forbid his interference but there were other signs to take into account and he just hoped it wasn't the edge of a banknote threatening to slice into her vocal cords if they didn't make the sounds. The only edge they both had to teeter was that of pleasure.

"Consider it one." Griffin's fingers moving lazily between his confirmed his success as her leisurely attempt at getting a grip on his mind teased him further. As if her words hadn't been enough to bring back the feeling of the floor under his knees as he'd let himself sink in his submission to her.

"Yes, Madam." There was a hardness pressing into his mind and he couldn't tell if it was the tangibility of the memories or the eagerness to reenact them, only that whatever it was had his pants feeling too tight as they constricted his erection. "Did I get it?" He grabbed at the possibility to make it worse for himself since he didn't have the autonomy to grab at relief.

Griffin shook her head as if to get rid of the amusement trying to take over her face and he had to be grateful for it did things to him even if it was lacking the definitiveness of an answer. "We're not there yet," Griffin refused him mercy. "I want you to pick a safeword." She had him suck in a breath, his body obeying her whims. "I want it to be as easy as possible for you to remember so I think it should be something of your own choosing."

He drew the composure he presented her with from his experience in the courtroom while his insides tried to find their respective places again so that his tongue wouldn't be all the way down in his stomach and his heart would return in his chest that was just as warm now as his hand she was still holding. "Okay, let's see..." he faked deep contemplation. "I'm thinking of "bookworm" but then again, I never know when that may pop up in the conversation." He bit his lower lip in a challenge for her to be the one sinking her teeth into it as her mouth opened.

"You're lucky you still haven't picked a safeword because that remark gives grounds to need one," her intonation was bending to accommodate the question mark she let sneak at the end of her sentence.

"Are you going to spank me?" Valtor left enough crumbs for her to have a good taste of the cake and draw her out of the dark forest of her cautiousness. If that didn't work out, he'd have to dive after the shine of her eyes and lead her out himself. He was lucky she'd already let him catch her in his hands.

"Would you consider that a punishment or a reward?" Griffin still treaded slowly, touching every curve of his words as if she didn't have a clear enough picture of what he wanted from her, as if she needed to scrub any roughness from her skin before she laid it on his. And he'd only hurt in the rawness left from her missing parts if she made herself bleed in her quest to save him.

"Now I am curious to see what punishment you will pick for me since you can see through me so well," he gave her green light to wash away all the red in both their heads.

"That can be arranged once you've chosen a safeword," Griffin wasn't quick to speed ahead in the free space he'd cleared for her without giving him her reins to hold on to. She was just being a responsible Domme, he knew, but with her it was always more. He always felt more, safer, in her lack of hastiness and desperation. She always asked permission before sinking her teeth in him and his heart was pounding in hopes of catching her interest and feeling the pearly smoothness of her bite.

"A safeword. Okay..." His mind was flooded with legal terms and plant names, parts of book titles and poems, exotic spices and space phenomena, even locations history had taken off the map before he could have taken her to see the beauty they'd held, yet nothing was catching his attention the same way her presence had commanded him to a stop when he'd first met her. "It has to be something unique," he muttered to himself as he dug deeper into the time they'd spent together to reach something true to her essence she lavished on his life. "I'll go with ellipsis." It marked an unfinished for one reason or another thought so it sounded appropriate for the mindlessness she soaked him in with her dominance. "I trust you know why."

Any stiffness fell off her face as her lips stretched into a conspiratorial grin. "I do. And while "ellipsis" is a bit of an unorthodox choice, that was exactly the point." Griffin patted his knee, more in a test rather than to praise him for the idea. "Are you sure you can remember it?" she asked, the concern real in her voice despite her theatrics.

Valtor took a deep breath clenching his hand into a fist at the side of his chair while he held her gaze, the gold boring into him as if she was looking to catch in it how affected he was by the simple gesture and immortalize the moment. "I could never forget it," he found his words even amidst her teasing and padded them with the image of the lavender sticky note she'd left on his fridge before heading to her meeting with Ediltrude and Zarathustra. It had sported only an ellipsis in her written promise to continue from where his work had interrupted them and the three little dots had set the rhythm of his thoughts with the power they held. He couldn't forget something that consumed his whole mind and it would be right at home in the heat of his submission.

"Good." Griffin smirked like he'd played her the memory of what her little idea had done to him. As if she hadn't extracted all the details around it from him when she'd come back from her meeting. "Now to talk hard limits," she schooled her features again since they'd found their path to bed back then but they still had more work to do in the present.

"You want to go first?" he asked, pushing the things popping into his mind back down into the blackness they'd come out of before she could read too much into them like they were inked letters. His memories had always been unrefined with their edges cutting into each other and making them bleed all over the place. It was like having put clothes in various colors in the washing machine and taking out something that looked like you'd dumped all your paint on the canvas at once. There were hues and nuances that he didn't want to hurt her eyes with.

"I would actually like to focus on yours first," Griffin squeezed his fingers – encouraging and not rushing him but the firmness in the action didn't leave space for attempts at weaseling out of her grip. The commanding energy was compelling enough to sway him into following through but the awareness of his resistance was poking holes into the moment like it was a cellulose napkin.

Valtor sifted through the laundry in his mind turning everything inside out to present her with the white side that wouldn't repulse her with stains. If she weren't holding his hand, he might have tried to stitch together a cover for his dirt even though he'd never been good at sewing. But he was great at ripping things apart with the lies he shoved down the throats of those close enough to see inside him when he was falling apart at the seams. "The first that comes to mind is name calling. I know it's not really a big deal, especially with someone you trust-"

"You won't even hear me mention it to you," Griffin cut in to tie his unraveling ends and make him feel like a tapestry in her hands that she was weaving carefully to take home. She was only pulling out the threads he didn't need to free him from the extra weight. "Though, I am curious how you sort through your porn in that case."

Valtor almost pulled away in case her fingers were probing around for the delete button while she held his gaze. "Assuming I watch porn." He could assume she wasn't looking for a reason to block his phone number but he'd already baited his own heart too deep into their relationship to bear the sight of what they had dangling from a hook like dead meat. He never would've thought surfing the internet could hide that particular danger before he'd gotten dumped like a fish out of water.

"You mean you stick to reading erotica? Because I am pretty sure you can't think of a Dominant/submissive dynamic if you don't see it somewhere first." Griffin pulled him in the flow of heat coming from her gaze. She hadn't given him permission to be cold, much less to give her the cold shoulder.

Valtor sighed theatrically. "Touché," he surrendered now that the net of the memory was blown away. "Not all of us can have the qualifications of a literary critic." He wasn't sure he'd ever manage to pick out a book she'd enjoy half as much as he'd loved her recommendations to him.

"I never said I stuck only to the books myself," Griffin shrugged so casually. As if she hadn't just taken more weight off his shoulders sending him off balance with how unused he was to feeling this light.

"Oh, Miss Sylvane, what secrets does your browser history hide?" he pulled himself up to the familiarity of their banter taking deep breath after deep breath amidst his marvel of the lack of strain in his muscles. It had never been so easy to fill himself with air in the presence of another person without worrying about either one of them stealing oxygen from the other.

"You can stop that," Griffin didn't even have to move to make his lungs halt. "You'll get to know how to address me when I decide to tell you," she had him gasping right on cue. She was in no need of a title when she'd claimed his eagerness to be hers. "Back to the hard limits now."

Even his thoughts obeyed the melody of her voice despite their perpetual lack of discipline. "This one kind of goes with the name calling but humiliation is really off putting to me. I know that's broad but I am not sure where the borders of it lie." Perhaps he could do other things that bled into that or perhaps they would have to cross anything even leaning towards it off their to-do list. Only time and trying would tell. For now he couldn't stomach the image of any taunts leaving her lips to fall on his ears and crush his spirit or of her hands pushing him into a situation designed to be his downfall. Even if it was pretend. His mind couldn't draw a clear line between reality and play when it was trembling like a seismometer amidst a severe earthquake.

"We'll have to find them together." Griffin gave him a small smile as if she was afraid that making it bigger could shove ugly implications between them. "Feel free to tell me every single thing that you want kept out of our scenes and to discuss with me everything you're not sure about. I am absolutely okay with the possibility of talking out a scene taking longer than the scene itself. I just want to know you're comfortable with everything we're doing."

His fingers twitched in response. "Something else that is really a no is age play," he had to move them on before he could grab at her latest invitation to open up his mind to her fully. He didn't want to bruise her with the impact. "Also, I will betray the conceptions about my gender and say I am not up for threesomes." His attempt at humor fell flat but that was much better than letting her down as he inevitably would once his voice refused to come out anymore. "I couldn't... do this with anyone... who isn't you." He sighed as if to push the words closer to her now that he'd found the right ones.

"Of course," Griffin nodded, not dropping any hints as to whether her stiffness was due to his confession or the idea that she would have wanted to do anything involving his limits. "What else?" she asked, encouraging him to give her more boundaries to keep to like no one else had ever shown the respect to do.

"I can't think of anything else currently." There was certainly more but with no experience in that kind of thing that was as much as he could do for the moment.

"I'm sorry," Griffin jerked her hand out of his to clutch at herself. Her eyes were on her lap to pile in it all the burden she was generating from his words as if it was the power she needed to self-destruct because of the fatal flaw in the code of her machinery that threatened him in some way. "I should have given you more time to think about it. I was so lost in preparing myself-"

Valtor cupped her cheek breathing out his relief that she didn't pull away from him. "Griffin, it's okay." It would be better if he could catch her eye but conquering her bodily autonomy would be a step in the wrong direction. "You said it yourself. We can always make changes to our terms."

She looked at him to let his heart slow down now that it didn't have to pump hope that she'd do that through him to keep him going. "There are small and specific things that can fall into hard limits, too." He could see the teardrops forming as if she'd summoned them to send them to track down the little crumbs of information he should have offered freely.

"You have a point." As much as he didn't want to admit it since there was no point to her crying about him. There was no logic to it, and he was twisting her into something she wasn't. "But this is not all on you." He had to set the record straight even if that could see her written out of his path. "I asked you to do this and I should have taken some time to think about it myself. I was too busy thinking of the action that I forgot there were technical bits to consider as well and how important they are." How important they would be to her. He'd made it all about himself like he always did even when she was already doing that and there had to be someone to think about her as well, about her well-being and not just about her body. "We'll just have to adapt to the situation and go from there. Baby steps, right?" he fell back on her words since his own could never have the soothing effect he was looking for.

"Right," Griffin nodded, her fingers clutching at his wrist. "Okay," she sniffed, leaving him wishing he had the power to conjure her a handkerchief but he couldn't move. He couldn't let her fall apart no matter how ridiculous it was that he was the one thing holding her together. "But we will discuss everything before we do it just to make sure neither of us is going to overstep in any way." Her tear-filled gaze could melt even the ice of his own, even that around his throat that made it impossible to push any words out.

"Sounds good to me." He'd talk. He'd put even the beats of his heart in words as long as it wouldn't let him hear her sobs. It was rare of her to break down in his arms but holding her in his fear that he couldn't put her pieces back together cut through him like his soul was a glass her cries had shattered. He would do anything to keep the water from carving into her cheeks like it was making its bed there to return again and again. "As long as you make an exception for right now and keep the surprise a surprise." He pushed down the internal debate of whether it was selfishness driving the course he set to focus on the good it would do her to witness his reaction to her idea.

Griffin hesitated about breathing again. "If that's what you want," her voice trembled like she was trying to disintegrate the responsibility of his choice before she let him take it.

Valtor nodded.

"Okay." Griffin pulled his hand in her lap to thread their fingers together like they'd been. "Let's talk about punishments," the words stumbled into him as if they hadn't noticed he was in the way in their haste to get away from her. "You seemed enthusiastic about them."

"I am." She'd held back from taxing his offenses the previous time, whether because it was their first try or because they hadn't had any limits and a safeword set but he wanted to explore that part of submission as well. It wouldn't be complete if he didn't own up to his failures. "I will gladly make up for any mistake as long as it isn't accompanied by shaming." She wouldn't do that to him. But just being able to say the words left him breathing more easily, the movements of his lungs almost excited at the sensations he could allow himself to experience with her.

She opened her mouth only for her teeth to sink in her lip. She chewed on it for a moment to decide whether she wanted to object to his wording before she let it go. "What forms of punishment will be acceptable to you and to what extent?"

Now that was a tricky question. There were many fantasies he'd stashed as far back under his bed as he'd been able to, afraid that they'd break not only it, but also him if he let them on the mattress without the trust needed to support them. And then there were the ones he'd thrown away like they were hot coals scorching his hands. He'd need to go back through all of those to see if he could stand the weight and the heat now that he had her to lean on and be his shield. After all, the idea of letting anyone dominate him had been stuffed somewhere in the dark under a shoe box and he'd maintained thigh-riding left him too passive for him to enjoy it until he'd been clutching at Griffin's waist to not get carried away.

"Valtor-" Griffin interrupted herself to search for the words when she'd misread his lack of such. "I wouldn't want anything that makes you uncomfortable. You can limit our play as much as you need to. This is for both of us to enjoy even when you submit to me. Even when we're dealing with a punishment." The gold in her eyes was so soft that the slightest movement would doom it to wear the mark left behind forever. "I want you to be a spent, satisfied mess at the end of a scene, not an emotional wreck."

Valtor sucked in a breath. "And I know I can be in your hands." He lifted the one he was holding to his lips to put a kiss on it and his gratitude for all the security she'd given him. "The thing is that I am not entirely sure. About the punishments. There are certain things I could see myself both enjoying and not so much and I am relieved we agreed to discuss everything before doing it," that was a first, "because those will need to be tackled separately and on the spot." Griffin's fingers squeezing his gently were the only thing keeping him in his chair when he wanted to run away like the thoughts in his mind were doing. He set out to hunt them down and put them in her patient hands instead. "I can see myself being into having privileges withheld from me when I am in the right headspace. Like, for example, not being allowed to wear clothes while you're in full formal attire."

Griffin narrowed her eyes theatrically. "Is this you giving me a hint?"

He did his best to look away and act as if he'd been caught red-handed but it was hard with the warmth of her palm in his. "Maybe."

Her free hand slid up his thigh. "I don't necessarily need the help to torment you," her fingertips inched higher and swerved inward, "but I will certainly take it." Just a push of his hips was all he needed to have her cupping him through his pants but her palm ended up pressed into his abs under his T-shirt in a sequence of actions he couldn't comprehend.

It had him inhaling like he was trying to suck back in the words that he'd lost. "If there's one thing that I know for certain will never be a problem, that is corporeal punishment," he managed through the steam rising in his mind at the playful movements of her fingers as she teased around his waistband hooking her fingers under it just to pull and smirk at the gasp leaving him as the fabric hit his skin again the moment she released it. "You can't possibly reach my pain limit," he added as her hand stiffened against his abdomen. The sensation was almost painful against his tender flesh.

Griffin gave him a look he couldn't understand unless he reached the same place it was coming from and he didn't know how to go that deep inside his own soul. "I will not do anything to you that will leave any remotely lasting damage, Valtor. It is one of my hard limits." It could have been the stillness of her hand against his abs that led her words all the way to his heart as if that was where they were meant to be or it could have been his own imagination running loose with fantasies. It wasn't an uncommon occurrence with her in his mind.

"However much you're comfortable with," Valtor rubbed over her forearm to let her soak up as much support as she needed. "It's just that you can still work your way through different impact play implements without leaving any damage." Perhaps it wasn't the right moment but her gentle nudges had worked miracles. Maybe she could use one too.

Griffin seemed to absorb the intent whether thanks to his delivery or to the contact of their skin and her fingers were moving over his abdomen again in soothing motions that lulled her as much as they did him. "I will take that into consideration if you're really sure you want it," she said, no trembling in her voice or hands.

"I do." Valtor watched as the remaining tension drained from her shoulders as if the three letters he'd said were magical. "Now given your words, I doubt we will run into a problem with this but... body modification is something I simply can't allow." It wasn't the pain he was avoiding, or at least not the physical kind. There were already holes in his life where people had used to be but those he'd gladly cut around, making them bigger as he'd thrown away the memories he'd been left with as well. Griffin's departure–should it ever happen–would tear his soul too harshly with all the moments she'd given him piercing it like little diamonds he'd be crazy to give away for him to carry traces on his body as well. "You can have my bodily autonomy under your control in any other way but not that." He swallowed, almost choking on his own lack of trust and readiness to be truly hers.

"Thank you for the honesty," Griffin was now holding both his hands out of the simmering lava his brain was melting into. "I really appreciate the efforts you're putting in this," she let him rest in her gaze instead, feeding him sweetness exceeding that of honey to heal the burns on his tongue.

He'd barely done anything. If that was all she needed to be pleased with him, he could do it. He could be good for her. Enough so to meet her standards at least even if she deserved the whole universe put in her hands to steer with her kindness and compassion and make just as beautiful and enticing to the senses as she was doing with his existence.

"I have to ask you," Griffin's fingers moved over his skin as if to trace a path for her words with their tenderness and he let the rising alarm in him be swayed. "How do you feel about anal sex?"

He froze, waiting for the trap from his past to click closed around him again and cut off his contact with her. The only thing moving were the memories from just a few moments ago sliding through all that time between at a glacial pace to warm his lips enough to let them open for his voice to come out as he struggled to find her body heat through the crust of ice covering him. He needed proof she was still there to hear him speak. The echo of an empty room would shatter his heart to pieces.

"What do you mean with that?" his voice sounded just like nails on chalkboard – scratching over the space she had to explain to destroy it and leave her no way of communicating.

"I'm not really sure how many things I can mean by 'Do you want to have anal sex?'" Griffin asked, her tone far from the scathing sass he needed to snap him out of the war zone in his head. She was probing again to the only possible result of cutting herself on the pieces of shrapnel scattered all over his being.

"Are you asking me whether I am willing to be on the giving end or the receiving one?" he pulled the breath he needed out of his lungs to put the relic she was looking around for in her hands and send her on her way to a safe distance from his ticking emotional response.

Griffin closed her fingers around him like handcuffs that only sentenced her. "Both."

"Oh."

"You're only down for one of those?" Griffin asked, her body still touching his–almost the same way she grasped at him at the times she needed him to hold her through her pleasure–yet he could feel her mind slipping through the slit the edge of her trust was tearing in the sheets of their play as it dragged behind her with nothing to balance its weight on his end. He would lose her if she opened her fingers to catch herself.

"Not exactly." That proved intriguing enough to hold her attention on him a little longer. "Have you had anal sex before?" He was just stalling giving her what she was after. Her experience wouldn't change his in any way. It couldn't. And no one could be after a truth like that.

"No," Griffin provided her answer instantly. Honesty came naturally to her with no shame to taint her existence red like blood. "Have you?"

"Once." It had been enough to bring down his house of cards that was as permanent a construction as he had the power to build in his unstable being. "I was not well prepared to top and I hurt him." He'd played his hand so wrong that there'd been no winner. He'd lost himself, or at least a part of what had never been whole.

"Him?" Griffin's surprise passed her face and ran all the way down into her fingers instead. They loosened as if the question he'd written all over her brain was prying them off with the mark in its end. He should have told her that time she'd revealed her dating experience extended to women as well but there'd been no telling what she would've been able to feel up with her hands on him. There were debris of his love life poking from every inch of his body.

"I have had a few sexual encounters with men over the years but never went all the way." Hopefully, she wouldn't want a closer look. Walking around the ruins of his past relationships–or whatever they had been since most of them didn't have the qualifications to pass as such–could prove to be suicidal.

"Except that one time?" Griffin opened the door to that particular memory carefully, her fingers barely curling around the rusty doorknob. Her face was calm as she proceeded instead of twisted in disgust, as if her goal was to move without disturbing anything inside him even though every floorboard was creaking already.

"Yes." He didn't talk about that mistake but it was a whole suitcase taking up strength and space from his body and head and maybe he could finally unpack it, one word at a time to not overwhelm her–or himself–as he handed them to her to put away. "I thought I knew what I was doing, but then again I always do. My ego was so big I couldn't see around it. I had lube and a condom and I thought I was set to go. I went slow at the beginning and everything seemed all right but once I decided he'd settled, I picked up the pace and barely needed a few minutes to make him scream at me to stop." The vicarious pain was haunting him now since it hadn't kicked him to the ground to render him harmless back then. "With some more research I realized my mistake but he didn't want to hear of it. Or of me." He chuckled forcedly, the pathetic sound much better than the sound of his unanswered call for forgiveness still ringing in his head. "He said my pride was so important to me he felt like a third wheel." The sentence had ran over his ego and still hadn't managed to kill it, only mutilate it until it was an even bigger abomination than it had been before.

Griffin wasn't in a rush to fuck up with her judgment but it had his heartbeat overcompensating for her silence that his frantic mind was warping in a rite to send his hope of her speaking to him again off before burying it. Her voice burst like fireworks against his ears despite her contained tone that matched her consideration, "I would like to tell you he overreacted–and maybe he did even in the context of your pride since it sounds like it was an honest mistake if a bit blindsided–but I understand his point of view." He had his verdict but it was the warmth of her fingers sealing the moment in his brain like it was a letter so special it was closed with a wax seal stamp with a sun engraved in it. It had him trusting it could hold her presence safe within. "I've had to deal with the same thing."

His eyes narrowed to lessen the possibility of catching her red-handed in the midst of crafting a lie. "You said you haven't tried anal sex." His fingers flexed as if to grab at the present and stretch it around them in a cloudless existence before her breath could blow it away.

"I haven't," Griffin's even voice kept him on edge with no movement in either direction. It was the equivalent of the quiet in a horror movie just before a jump scare. "But I've had an unfortunate deep-throating experience with one of my partners." She paused, clutching at him once again – to keep herself in her chair or him in his. "He kept forcing himself down my throat even as I was gagging, barely giving me time to breathe."

He certainly wanted to jump now – out of terror for her and hatred for the faceless monster. "That doesn't sound too consensual," he said instead, not entirely convinced she wanted to discuss it but he couldn't kill his voice as well if he didn't get to rage the way he wanted to.

"I honestly don't know what it was," Griffin gave him his answer since she was smart enough to tell what was healthy and what fell far, far away from that. "I was just glad it was over. Not just the sex but the relationship as well." She looked lost for a second before she was back with him as if to rub it in the past's face that it didn't have a hold on her anymore. "I don't know if he expected me to be some sort of a private porn star he could treat as such but I should have gotten a clue when he wouldn't stop complaining I wouldn't give him oral sex every time even though he knew I didn't like it. He used to call me selfish for it and I might have been but that was because if I weren't looking after my interests, he certainly wouldn't have been."

"I'm just glad he didn't scar you for life." While he had no right to judge considering his own approach to his ex partner, it was exactly that experience that had taught him the kind of responsibility that being the leading party came with. The kind of responsibility that he was leaving in her hands. And he was only making it harder with his refusal to communicate.

"Well, it might have taken a few sessions of the twins coming up with the most obscene insults you have heard to send his way to get me over the whole thing." A smile broke out on her face. It was contained by the sadness the memories were edged with but it was good to see she hadn't been made to switch to only showing her teeth as a warning to back off. "And a few tips from a friend who is a therapist to make sure there was no lingering trauma."

That took him aback, making him do the impossible and have his heart be the one to control his muscles into stillness that had less chances of being misinterpreted. "I suppose it was successful if you found it in yourself to try again." Perhaps he was pushing in the wrong direction and should have let her steer them out of her pain but he had that image of her eagerness while she sucked him off–and even took him all the way in her throat–that was worth a million words and he wanted to hear every single one of them.

"I don't think you realize why that was." Flames danced in her eyes to make her gaze a golden river ready to sweep him off his feet and carry him in its steady flow for eternity.

"Why?" he gasped out.

"Because of you," Griffin was touching his heart without having to push her hand in his ribcage–he was still holding both of them as proof of that–and the painless sensation was so consuming it was spreading over his past to cover it up in a new layer of emotion. "You said that you never trusted anyone else to kneel for them. Well, you can say the same happened to me. After that whole thing, I never trusted a man to get down on my knees for him," she held the pain out of her eyes while they were on him. "And then I met you." She was repainting blossoms over the shadows sticking to his walls.

"You mean... you didn't learn to do deep-throating, you learned to deep-throat me?" Saying it out loud was easier than he could have imagined, his lips entranced with the idea despite the struggle of his brain to go down the familiar neural pathways of self-doubt.

Griffin nodded. "You made me want to do it. I trusted you not to hurt me with that and I trust you not to hurt me with anything else." She not only didn't drag him into picking up her mess, but also extended to him the courtesy of not blinding him as she shined the light of her eyes in his to help him sort through his own baggage. "You don't have to figure it out on your own," she was still holding him in a closed chain that wasn't the vicious circle his mind had been spinning into like a guinea pig in a running wheel. "We can do that together."

The corners of his mouth twitched up but there were more layers to shed before he could wrap her in himself. "For now you can mark me down for pegging." If she could disentangle the barb wire that his emotions were without prickling either one of them to blood, then she could be allowed to play with his body however she wanted.

"Well," Griffin let him catch more than just a glimpse of her tongue, "who said it has to be done with a toy?" her fingers wriggled between his like serpents writhing in the warmth of the sun rays only to have his mind slithering in the gutter.

"Now you're just trying to tempt me," he murmured, his clarity of mind gone to the desire awakening in him again like it was spring time.

"You already sound past the point of temptation." Well, she had him there. "So I guess my job here is done and I can move on to the next question." She smirked at him. "How do you feel about orgasm control and orgasm denial?"

Oh. They were back to the playful parts. Playful in theory, at least. There was plenty of room behind her collected facade for her to be hiding wicked plans and he couldn't wait to venture beneath the surface. "I... wouldn't really know that. I haven't tried it before." He held his lower lip between his teeth before letting go of it and allowing himself to smile. "You will be my first."

"That's proving to be a regular occurrence before we have even started." Griffin had the look of an explorer that had just stumbled across an ancient city untouched for ages and he held his breath as the gate opened to let her in when there was no threat of destruction in her hands.

"It does sound potentially hot." Their little experiment the previous weekend didn't count without any deliberate intention on her part to deny him. It had just been a side effect of the timing and the priority of her pleasure over his, which seemed like a potential constant of the dynamic they were diving into but having her falling apart in his mouth was satisfying enough in and of itself. "As long as you won't be cruel enough to deny me too long," he teased now that he still had the power to return the favor. And it was a much more pleasant sound than the thoughts falling like boulders in his mind to hit all the sensitive places the idea was already rubbing against like too tight rope bondage. He would need to be eased into that to have his fingers loosen their grip on the sheets of pleasure he was clutching at in his fear of never landing in them again.

"I'm taking mental notes." Griffin grinned at him and it was like she'd pulled the curtains to let some sunshine in his dusty attic stuffed with memories shattered like Christmas ornaments fallen from an overly adorned tree. It had the pieces shimmering like snow caught in a patch of light.

"Of the wrong parts, I'm guessing?" he scowled in pretend. Joking around was easy with the seriousness and care her whole approach demonstrated to fall back on. She wouldn't have to catch him. She was already holding him.

"While you're pondering your choices," she made it a point to let her smugness unfold in the short pause she used for emphasis, "I'd like to know your relationship with role playing."

"I am not pondering any choices except yours to set this conversation at the current time." Valtor licked his lips to keep her attention where it needed to be. It was the miracle all of her was that he was still hard after he'd been made weak in the knees for an entirely different reason. "I would like to take the time to think about everything you've brought to my attention... which, admittedly, I should have done already but all my thoughts have been on you all week and now that you're finally here, my head is definitely not getting any clearer." Especially now that they were out of the swamp of memories of relationships past and he was on his way to becoming a puddle in her fantasy again.

"Okay, I may have miscalculated the moment to have this conversation," Griffin raised her hands and his heart was ready to sink in his own surrender as soon as she gave the signal. "About my hard limits," she didn't let herself drop the conversation quite as fast, "they actually coincide with yours to a high degree. No name calling, no humiliation, no lasting damage of any kind, no age play, no other people involved, and also, no home porn."

Valtor nodded, storing the seeds of information in his mind. It would take some doing to protect them from decaying in her wetness on his skin but she'd taught him enough gardening for him to handle it. "And by the way, I am fine with role play." He breathed in and out. "More than that, actually, considering this was my idea and I think we are far from the point where we would call it a lifestyle." That had his heart racing in a fight-or-flight response when he would do both to get them to a point where they shared a life and the way of living it.

"Point taken," Griffin's hands were in her lap, fingers splayed over her coat as if in an attempt to imitate the feeling of soil under her feet. "I was going to ask about soft limits but I have a feeling you don't feel like discussing those right now."

"Not really."

"We'll skip it. For now," she held his gaze for a moment as if to weave a promise in the colors of their eyes that bound them together. "But I have to ask you this – is there anything specific you would want included in aftercare?"

After... No one had reached the point of care for him before, none of his previous partners bothering with anything more than cuddling that couldn't even be called that without the emotional investment that the word implied. It'd been just bodies pressed against his in an illusion tasked with alleviating the loneliness that had only gone around it and fallen in every crack and every hole between him and whoever else was warming his bed.

"I think that my request to spend the night with me after we've done a scene falls in this category," the questioning intonation slowly seeped out of him along with his breath at her reassurance he had the right concept. "Also, maybe reading me a book? Perhaps." The land of dreams was always within reach with her in his embrace but her voice filled his head as well as his room with beauty. "I mean, I don't know what I would be in the mood for at any given point in time but-"

"I would like that."

"You would?" he asked, still riding the high of the sound wave she'd made just for him. It would take some getting used to her spending her energy on him even if she'd been doing it for months.

"Yes," Griffin smiled at him, offering a hand on every step of the way so that he wouldn't have to walk it alone. "I think it sounds lovely. Curled up in bed with you and a book – two of my favorite activities combined," she had his heart fluttering like a butterfly ready to fly out of its cocoon. It sure would love to return the caresses she gave it. "Could hardly get better."

He had to push his luck when she wouldn't run away. "If we add tea maybe... Bookworm." Her exaggerated scowl found itself face to face with his feigned contemplation. "Or should I say "leafworm" to refer to both the books and the tea?"

"You might want to remember your "ellipsis"." Oh, so his cheek was the way to push the button for punishment? That was exactly the information his search was supposed to show up along with the confirmation that they'd cleared out the malfunctions.

"Right after you tell me how to address you." How was he to find his way into her orders otherwise?

Griffin gave a bit of a sigh. "No point in stalling more. You are to address me as Griffin." She didn't even take the time for a dramatic pause and left that to him instead. Though, his was more an attempt to cope with the shock.

"Just... Griffin?" He was just lucky her name fit inside his mind like a diamond in a safe. And it was his in-case-of-emergency plan behind the glass since he wouldn't manage to find any other words inside.

Griffin arched an eyebrow in a subtle monument of her dominance. "My name is not good enough for you?"

"It is, of course." His own screams of pleasure had never spilled out of his mouth so quickly despite the strength of his spite directed at the universe and his lifelong quest to beat it in the game for his happiness. "But how am I to differentiate the image of you during a scene and the one you present the rest of the time?"

"You're not." The words were coming from Griffin, yet it was his mouth hanging open. "You call my name and it all rushes into your head, memories of both sides mingling together." She leaned so close, he wouldn't have been able to see her cleavage even if he could have moved. "Have fun trying to solve the case of separating them when they're all me," she whispered in his ear to have him swallowing, his cock twitching in his pants.

"Oh, that's..." Cruel? Genius? Everything he'd hoped for? All things that he couldn't tell her. Mainly because he couldn't find the right words to express all the motions inside him while he sat paralyzed in the position she'd wanted him in.

"Well, now that you're already at a loss for words," Griffin stood up, her hands finding the lowest button on her coat, "I can give you your surprise."

She didn't wait for a response that she'd foreseen wouldn't come as he watched her work, each button popping open like a chain snapping loose and he would kneel for her once he was free if she didn't want something else. Whatever peek at her intentions there was between the slowly parting sides of her coat was concealed in her refusal to let him see before she allowed it and he could only sit through his own surrender intently.

The last button came undone to send his heart shooting up in his throat and Griffin pulled the coat open in a grand reveal that had his jaw drop.

---

To be continued.