TRIGGER WARNING: SELF-HARM
It was twilight by the time Catra and Adora arrived at Salineas. The sky was a deep shade of purple as the world turned to darkness, and the stars became more visible than ever.
Salineas was under the phase of a rebuild after it had been taken over by Hordak and nearly destroyed by Horde Prime, but it looked more populated than ever. Mermista had doubled down on rebuilding her empire after it was one of the first to fall. The gate was in almost pristine shape, and it nearly looked like a luxury to be in.
Adora was looking forward to spending some time here, but mostly she was looking forward to being alone with Catra. She loved her girlfriend, and she could tell there was a lot of things on her mind. Understandably so, considering everything that had transpired. The night terrors Catra had been having remained as prevalent as ever. Adora was concerned, and she was completely lost on what to do for her. She tried, but Adora was worried it was not enough.
When they disembarked the ship Mermista had arranged for them, Catra looked around and saw a kingdom she had participated in destroying not too long ago. She remembered exactly what she did to each building, and how much she tormented every person here. She was happy to see it rebuilt, but she just wished it never had to be rebuilt in the first place.
"So," Adora started, bringing Catra to reality. "Mermista has arranged a place for us to stay just at the end of this path, near the edge of Salineas. It's apparently got an amazing view and is super comfy to stay in."
"Well, I mean, compared to the Fright Zone, anything is luxurious," Catra scoffed, and Adora chuckled along with her. "I can't believe that while I had to deal with all the stiff beds in there, you had five hundred cushions in Bright Moon. That is so unfair!"
"Okay, to be fair, all of those cushions were super unnecessary. I barely used any of them. Plus, the bed just… sunk! It wasn't that great!" Adora tried to defend herself as Catra simply checks out her own claws, mostly ignoring her.
"Yep, you definitely sound like a princess," Catra said in an almost monotone voice. Adora opened her mouth to retaliate, before simply groaned and slugged Catra in the arm. No matter what she went through, Catra would always retain her attitude.
However, when Catra looked up from her claws, she saw the people around her. The buildings in the process of reconstruction. She saw fear. People looked at her and almost immediately moved away from her, or avoided eye contact. Catra looked around and saw a result of her horrible actions. The consequences of her destruction.
Catra looked to the floor and tried to make herself as small as possible. She felt the eyes of every single person in Salineas glare at her. When Adora glanced over, she noticed Catra acting strange. It wasn't hard to figure out why, and Adora put a hand on her shoulder. "Can we please just walk faster?" Catra asked in a hoarse whisper.
Adora obliged. Catra couldn't bear to look up. She felt her throat tighten up, and her breath began to run short. "Adora, I can't," Catra spoke quickly. "I can't, I… I can't breathe. Adora, I can't breathe."
"Do you want to go back?" Adora asked. Catra immediately shook her head. Not another burden. Catra didn't want to ruin another thing between her and Adora. Catra didn't want to be the weight that brings Adora down all the time, and she started to walk faster ahead, not giving Adora a chance to consolidate with her as they soon entered a large, almost golden building.
Catra took in long, deep breaths as soon as she was alone. Adora reached out and put a hand on her back, rubbing in circles in an attempt to comfort her love. The feeling of Adora's hand sent tingles throughout Catra's spine, and restored some air in her lungs. Slowly, her focus came about and she looked up to find Adora's concerned face looking down at her. Catra reached out and put a hand on Adora's cheek. She pushed her forehead against Adora's, and softly sighed.
"You okay?" Adora asked, and Catra nodded.
"It wasn't a full one. But… it was close," Catra replied. Adora took Catra's hand in her own, and the fingers intertwined as they embraced each other. "I'm sorry."
"I am, too… I should've realized this place would be bad for you," Adora spoke sadly. Catra felt a sting in her heart, hearing Adora's voice at that tone. Apologetic. Guilty.
"No, no… I'll be fine. Alright? Just… give me a bit to get used to it all," Catra responded as she slowly backed away from Adora.
Adora stared at Catra sadly, but knew that Catra wouldn't change her mind on this. Adora started to walk ahead of Catra towards a staircase. "Our place is on the top floor."
Catra watched Adora walk ahead, and whispering, she cursed herself. "I'm such an idiot… Why can't I just control myself? Why are you such a damn idiot, Catra? Why can't you do anything right?" Catra growled at herself, before running a hand through her hair and sighing with frustration. "I'm such a worthless piece of crap."
Catra followed after Adora up the flight of stairs and into the door at the very top. The bright moon had nearly completely sunk behind the ocean floor by the time they entered their room, and Catra was met with a room that she could never even dream of.
A single large bed in the middle with a balcony to the right, displaying a view of the ocean, the coast, the moonset and the stars. The floor felt comfortable, a soft material to soothe Catra's bare feet, and an actual kitchen to the left. It was about the size of Adora's bedroom back in Bright Moon, but it definitely fit the definition of comfortable.
Adora looked around, but was almost immediately drawn to the sight of the balcony. She rushed out to see the moon slowly descend behind the ocean, and its light shined on Adora. Catra stood behind her, and Adora's body cast a shadow onto Catra as she approached her girlfriend.
Catra walked to the side of Adora, and placed her hand over Adora's as they watched the sky slowly turn dark. Catra leaned her head on Adora's shoulder as the stars began to shine brighter than ever. They reflected off the ocean surface, almost creating a second layer of stars on the ocean surface itself as it reflected all of these bright lights.
"Mermista wasn't kidding," Adora spoke. "The stars really do make the ocean look beautiful."
Catra looked to Adora and without thinking, spoke. "Not as beautiful as you."
Adora smirked, immediately snorting. Catra realized what she just said and immediately looked away as Adora began to laugh. "You know, I was almost hoping you'd say that as a joke, but you sounded so serious then!" Adora laughed as Catra couldn't help but smile at her own absent mindedness.
"My self from a few months ago would've killed me for saying that," Catra sighed as Adora tried to stifle her laughter. Catra never did get much opportunity to practice her flirting, and the results were obvious. The best flirting she had done was still at the previous Princess Prom.
"Catra… you just… You remind me every day why I love you so much," Adora smiles as she wipes tears of laughter from her eyes. Catra scoffed, leaning on the balcony and looking at the ground beneath her.
It was nice that Adora could love her. Catra only wish she could see what Adora sees in her. She could never figure out why Adora loved her so much. It was a mystery that would probably go unsolved for life in Catra's case. She looked over to see Adora also leaning on the balcony, and instantly the two made eye contact.
Catra looked at Adora's lips, and Adora leaned towards Catra. She tilted her head and pressed her lips against Catra's, the two of them closing their eyes and taking in nothing else but each other. It was a brief kiss, but it was almost magical with the sight before them. The stars reflecting off the ocean, but Catra was instead lost in Adora's eyes.
It was their magical moment.
"Why are you hurting us?"
Catra stood before a burning Salineas. Fire engulfed buildings, and Horde ships were swarming everywhere. Catra looked to the source of a voice, and saw a small child. A Salineas resident. They asked that questions like it was no big deal, their arms behind their back as they awaited Catra's answer.
"I…" Catra stuttered, before shaking her head. "No… This is a dream. This isn't real." Catra was slowly growing used to these nightmares. She wasn't going to allow herself to be haunted again.
The child looked towards the destroyed Salineas and shrugged. "Looks plenty real to me. I mean… This is your memory, after all. You did this."
"That…" Catra backed away from the child. "That was… a mistake… I… I was just…"
"A mistake? You mistakenly destroyed my home and tormented my people? You just accidentally invaded all of my land and hurt everyone I love?" The child asked. Catra put her hands to her ears, shaking her head.
"I didn't mean to… I was just… I know it was wrong, but…" Catra felt tears well up in her eyes, and soon enough, she tried to run away. She was stopped by the child yet again, as it almost teleported in front of Catra, causing her to fall back.
"You're a monster," the child spoke down to Catra. "You ruined everything, and all for what? Attention? Love? So that another person wouldn't abandon you?"
"Stop… I know it was horrible, but… I had to… I just… I was so alone and I…" Catra knew that no matter what she said, it wouldn't matter to the child. No one would listen to her. Catra was a monster, and nothing was going to fix that in anyone's mind.
Catra stood up and ran the other way, but soon found herself transported to Horde Prime's ship. She stood before a pool of green liquid. "This was when he chipped me…" Catra whispered, and tried to run, but was immediately grabbed by two of Horde Prime's clones as they dragged her towards the pool. "No! Let go! Stop! Not again!"
Catra struggled and fought hard. She remembered the feeling of mind control. Like she was watching herself perform horrible actions but had no control. Like she was watching a movie, but couldn't do anything to stop the characters from killing each other.
Catra screamed, her voice cracking and her lungs burning raw as the clones dragged her into the liquid, as well as preparing the chip that would be forced onto the back of her neck. No matter how much she screamed, or fought, or cried, she knew there was no stopping this.
Catra was thrown into the liquid, and fell into darkness. She fell for a few seconds before hitting the floor. She was transported to Bright Moon. To Adora's bedroom. This nightmare was throwing her around like garbage.
Adora lay asleep in her bed, peaceful as ever. Catra almost wanted to go over and kiss her on the forehead. She smiled upon seeing Adora, thankful for some peace.
"Kill her."
Catra heard Horde Prime's voice in her ear, and felt at the back of her own neck. The chip had been implanted within her. "No, no, no…" Catra tried to protest, but was immediately pulled out of her body and forced to watch as Horde Prime took control.
Catra floated in darkness, and saw a screen ahead of her. She was watching herself from her own perspective, but she wasn't controlling her action. Catra was lost in the Darkness.
She screamed, but no sound escaped from her throat as her mind-controlled body extended her claws. Catra approached Adora, a beaming smile on her own face and her own eyes glowing green. In the Darkness, Catra was desperate for control. For something to cling on to. She had to save Adora.
As Catra stood over Adora, the princess' eyes slowly opened. "Catra…?" Adora spoke, sleep mumbling her voice.
Without any control of her body, Catra was forced to watch as her own body placed a palm over Adora's mouth, smothering her screams as she sunk her own claws into Adora's stomach. Catra screamed as loud as she could from the Darkness, but still there was no sound. Tears were streaming down her face as Adora looked pleadingly at her. Catra sunk the claws deeper, but in her mind, she screamed louder.
Life began to leave Adora's eyes as Catra's body smiled gleefully. In the Darkness, Catra looked at her hands, and Adora's blood coated them. She put her bloody hands to her face, leaving bloody handprints on her cheeks as she started hyperventilating, her heart pounding louder and louder, until...
Catra screamed.
She awoke again from the nightmare. Catra looked over to her right and saw Adora sleeping, her arm draped over Catra's chest, cuddling her. She was breathing softly, and Catra felt tears stain her cheeks.
She slowly grabbed Adora's hand, moving it off her body as she snuck away from her, swinging her legs over the side of the bed and planting them on the soft floor. Catra buried her face in her hands, and shuddered. Her hands shook violently, and she stood up, heading for the bathroom.
Catra looked at herself in the mirror. Tears stained her cheeks and her eyes were burning red. Bags were forming underneath her eyes, and her breaths came out in shudders. She ran some cold water and splashed it across her face.
Catra looked at her claws. She remembered using those claws to kill Adora against her will in her nightmare. Those same claws had harmed Adora in the real world. They had harmed so many people, people that didn't deserve to be harmed.
She extended her claws. They had to be good for one thing. If they were to harm anyone, they had to harm someone who deserved to be harmed. They had to be used to protect Adora from any danger. To protect Entrapta. To protect Scorpia. To protect Melog.
Catra raised her left arm, and with her hands still shaking, she pressed her right, index claw against her forearm.
She pushed the sharpness in deep, and slowly began to drag her claw across her arm. Catra gritted her teeth, loud shudders of breath escaping from her mouth. It stung, but in a way, she felt a sense of justice. Like she was punishing the one that deserved to be punished.
She made one mark. Looked at it. Admired it. It was hers, and she had harmed someone that deserved to be harmed. She let out long, deep breaths, and raised her claw again, this time going for a deeper cut…
"CATRA, STOP!"
Catra jolted and looked over to see Adora running towards her. She felt Adora suddenly grab her by the wrists and instantly pin her arms against the wall. Catra gasped upon seeing Adora's face, wide eyed and tears beginning to form. "Why?! Why are you doing that?!" Adora asked desperately, and Catra was trying to look for an answer, but only three words managed to escape.
"I… hate myself…"
Adora, still keeping a firm grip on Catra's wrists, instantly began to run a shower, using it to soak the blood off of Catra's wound as Catra stared at nothing, her eyes wide with horror.
"Hold still," Adora said, looking at Catra's singular cut. She placed a gentle hand on Catra's cheek, and her body began to glow gold, along with Catra's. Thanks to She-Ra's powers, she was able to mostly heal the deep wound, leaving behind a faint scar. Adora turned off the shower, and remained silent, running a thumb over Catra's faint scar.
"I…" Catra spoke, but her voice choked up and wobbled. "I am… so sorry…"
Adora wrapped Catra in a tight hug, placing a hand on the back of Catra's head. "I… didn't realize you were in this much pain…" Adora spoke. "I should've talked to you, I should've… Catra… I don't hate you. I promise I don't hate you," Adora began to choke up, but she desperately tried to hold back tears. "I love you so, so much… I…"
Catra slowly backed away from the hug. There was a gigantic pit in her stomach, and a hole in her heart that ate away at her from the inside. She was causing Adora pain. She could see it. The tears welling up in Adora's eyes. The break in her voice. Catra was supposed to make Adora happy, and she felt like she was failing.
"Can we…" Catra whispered. "Can we… go to bed… please…?" Catra choked. There was so many things she wanted so say. So much self-hatred, anger, sadness and apologies she wanted to just explode with. She wanted to just let Adora know that she realized how worthless she was.
But Catra was just so tired, and she didn't want to cause Adora any more pain than she already had.
Adora wanted to talk. She wanted to know what she could do for Catra, but she didn't want to be overbearing. "… Okay," Adora nodded, and took Catra's hand.
As they lay together, and Adora pulled the sheet on them, Catra could barely stand to face Adora. She turned her body away from Adora, but still grabbed Adora's hand and wrapped it around her own body. Adora held Catra close. She kissed the back of Catra's neck.
Adora didn't see the silent tears Catra wept as they lay together in misery.