TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDAL THOUGHTS/DISCUSSIONS OF SUICIDE

Catra looked into the water, and saw the reflection of a monster.

She stared into her eyes, and saw only hatred. Evil. Someone who could only harm others and could never bring good into anyone's life. Catra hated what she saw. She hated the reflection in the water. She wanted to reach out and kill it. She wanted nothing more than to see this reflection suffer for what it had done.

When she reached out a hand, she saw her scar on her arm. It had faded, but it stuck out to her. What she had done to herself the previous night was still stuck to her and would not let go. She could remember the look of horror in Adora's eyes when she caught her. A look of sadness and suffering that Catra had… almost grown used to.

Catra always was causing Adora pain after all.

"Catra!"

Catra looked up and saw Adora in the water, running a hand through her own wet hair. "You coming in?" Adora asked, reaching out a hand. Catra stood on a boardwalk, wearing a swimsuit Adora had picked out for her. She looked at Adora and saw her smile.

Of course Adora had to smile. There was no other choice. Adora was trying her best to make this day positive for Catra, to try and take her mind away from what had happened the previous night. Catra stared at Adora with an almost blank expression, like she was looking into the distance. "You… you don't have to, Catra," Adora said, her hand slowly lowering as Catra stared at her.

Finally, Catra snapped back to reality. "What was that?" Catra asked, shaking her head.

"I was asking if you… wanted to come in. The water's nice. We never did get to swim together in the Fright Zone," Adora explained. She glanced at Catra's scar, wondering f the water would hurt her at all. She-Ra's healing had done wonders, but she didn't know if it was enough.

"Um… Yeah. Okay, sure," Catra responding, slowly sinking her legs into the water, before submerging herself underneath. This boardwalk was right outside of the place they were staying at, and the only people swimming were them.

Catra felt the ocean surround her, and it was almost a sense of peace. Her body felt weightless as Adora swum over to her, and took her hand. Catra interlocked her fingers with Adora's. "See? I told you it was nice, right?" Adora smiled as Catra placed Adora's hand on her own cheek, sighing softly.

"Yeah… you were right. Like always," Catra smiled. Adora's smile, however, faded a little bit. This wasn't like Catra at all. No comeback. No energy. Adora stroked Catra's cheek with her thumb.

"Is there… anything else you want to do today?" Adora asked, to which Catra simply shrugged.

"I'm okay with… whatever you want to do," Catra replied, not even looking Adora in the eyes. Adora slowly turned Catra's head to look at her, and finally, Catra's eyes met hers. "Seriously. I'm okay with anything."

"Catra…" Adora sighed, trying not to bring the mood down for her.

Catra knew she was ruining everything. It wasn't exactly new to her to make other people miserable. She was used to bringing only darkness and misery to others. She just wished she could learn to stop. Glimmer told her to do one good thing with her life, but Catra doesn't even know if she's succeeded at that.

Catra, slowly, began to sink into the water. She submerged herself completely in the ocean, and immediately the sound of the sea hit her ears. All of the outside world was cut off when she submerged her ears underneath, and she felt the air leave her lungs.

It was nice down here, Catra thought. Not only was she not ruining anyone, she was going to die if she stayed down here long enough. Of course, Adora would never let her do that. But it was a nice thought.

However, instead of dragging her up, Adora simply sunk beneath the ocean surface as well. Both girls floated underwater, looking at each other with nothing but this large span of the sea to surround them. Catra slowly reached out and placed her hands on Adora's cheeks as they stared at each other.

Catra hated looking into Adora's eyes, but she couldn't stop. Every time she did, she got lost in their beauty. But she also reminded herself of the hurt in those eyes the night before. The hurt when she activated the portal, or kidnapped her friends.

Catra slowly began to look away from Adora's eyes, but she soon felt Adora move closer. She looked up, and saw Adora inches away from herself. Catra's hands were still on Adora's cheeks, and the sign was there.

Catra didn't know if she deserved this, but nonetheless, she moved in. Completely underwater, both girls shared a kiss, tender and warm as they floated in nothingness. Catra tilted her head as she brushed Adora's soft cheek, and Adora placed a hand on Catra's hip.

Catra would be satisfied with dying right now. Sharing a kiss with the one she loved, surrounded by a blue depth, and no air to be found. That's why she deepened the kiss, until Adora slowly brought them back to the surface as they separated.

Adora stared lovingly at Catra, but she could barely return the look. It hurt to look into Adora's eyes anymore. They shined so bright, but they were never meant for Catra. Adora already had so many other friends, people she brought joy and love to. All Catra had ever done was bring about misery.

Catra swam to shore, heading back inside and leaving Adora in the ocean. Adora stared out at Catra as she left, and sighed. It was a hard position. She didn't want to bring up last night, or overstep any boundaries.

But at the same time, if she didn't talk to Catra soon, Adora was afraid of what was going to happen.

Catra lay awake at night as Adora held her close. She stared up at the ceiling, tired but not wanting to sleep. It had to be midnight now, but Catra had resigned herself to staying awake as long as necessary.

Catra sat up, rubbing her eyes and yawning. She looked down at the sleeping Adora. Her eyes closed, her breathing soft, and her hair laid out on the bed and on her body. Catra couldn't help but smile, tucking a strand of Adora's hair behind her ear.

Catra stood up and headed to the bathroom again. She started to run a shower, undressing herself and stepping in. The warm water hitting Catra's body directly as she put a hand on the wall, sighing. She wanted to scar herself yet again, and see the blood run with the water.

But at the same time, she didn't want to hurt Adora yet again.

Instead, Catra stood in the shower and almost hoped it would cleanse her spirit. It sounded ridiculous, it WAS ridiculous, but Catra would do anything at this point to just see some good within herself. She ran a hand through her short hair, and looked up at the shower head.

"Catra? You in there?" Adora asked from the bedroom. Of course she woke up. Catra wasn't exactly being subtle.

"Yeah," Catra responded. "Sorry for waking you."

"It's okay," Adora said, standing up from the bed. "Can I come in or do you want to be left alone?"

Catra ran a hand over her arm. Over her scar. She looked at it for some time, before closing her eyes. "Sure. I don't mind," Catra said.

About thirty seconds passed before another body entered the shower with Catra. She couldn't bring herself to look at Adora, instead facing the wall and rubbing her own scar. The two stood in silence, before Catra felt Adora's hand on her shoulder.

The wet hand gave the same sense of comfort and security that Catra always received whenever Adora touched her. She slowly let her shoulder's drop and let out the breath she had been holding in for far too long.

Adora slowly moved in, pressing her chest against Catra's back and hugging her from behind. Her arm wrapped around Catra's shoulder as Adora pushed her forehead against the back Catra's neck, giving her butterfly kisses as Catra grabbed Adora's arm and felt the love from Adora.

The shower hit them both as Adora held Catra, but most of the warmth came from their bodies. Catra gripped Adora's arm tightly, and choked out a few words.

"I don't want to lose you."

Catra immediately felt her throat tighten as she spoke, and forced back the tears. Adora held Catra tighter, and Catra gritted her teeth, sucking in air to prevent the spillage of everything she had been holding in.

"I love you," Adora whispered in Catra's ear. Catra let out a single sob upon hearing that. It was so bittersweet. Adora really did love her. She really cared about Catra, and she really did risk everything to save her from Horde Prime and be there for her.

But Adora's efforts were wasted on a monster, and Catra hated that. Adora had risked everything for a person that wasn't even worth it. The water spilled at Catra's feet and sunk into the drain as Adora held her.

Catra felt warm within Adora's arms. But she also felt so full of hatred, and it was entirely directly at herself.

Catra leaned against the door that lead to the balcony as she watched the moon set. Adora had gone out to check on Salineas, but Catra stayed behind, not wanting to be on the streets if she didn't have to be.

She crossed her arms, looking at her scar yet again and sighing. All of this build-up of emotion was really getting to her. The self-hatred she held in her heart was threatening to burst out at any second, and the more she held it in, the greater the hatred became.

She walked over to the balcony edge and put her hands on the railing. Catra leaned forward and glanced over, noticing the long, long drop below. It was as easy as one small jump.

She could picture what would happen afterwards. Maybe Adora would cry upon seeing it. Maybe she wouldn't care. Maybe Scorpia would break down upon finding out the loss of her best friend. Maybe she'd be happy that Catra wasn't there to torment her anymore.

Every happy thought in Catra's mind was quickly extinguished by a miserable one, and she felt a sense of justification at these miserable thoughts. What has she ever done to justify being happy? She sought happiness through evil actions and she couldn't even find it then.

Catra slowly lifted herself, swinging her legs over the railings and sitting on the balcony ledge. She watched the moon slowly sink behind the horizon, and the stars came out. She looked down at the drop. One small move, and everything was over. Everything was gone. No more suffering. No more agony. No more misery.

No more Adora. No more Entrapta. No more Scorpia. The ones Catra loved clung to her like a vine, preventing her from making this one, small step. She couldn't bring herself to do it. The hurt she would cause would be so great, and her suffering would simply be burdened onto others.

Catra, after a few minutes, finally decided to return back over the ledge, and went inside the room. She stayed away from the balcony just in case she changed her mind.

Beyond everything, she felt tired. Maybe it was because she hadn't slept for over a day now. Maybe she was just tired of everything that was going on. Catra felt completely and utterly devoid of life and joy, but every time she saw Adora, she felt just that little sense of light within her soul. Like everything was going to be okay.

She just didn't know how long she could rely on Adora for. If Adora ever left, Catra was scared of what could happen afterwards.

It another night of staring at the ceiling. Catra could hear Adora's snores besides her, and she desperately wanted to just cuddle up to Adora and enter the land of dreams.

But Catra knew that only death and suffering awaited her there. So, she stayed awake. No matter what. She brought her hands up to her face, and sighed, sitting up yet again.

"Catra, I'm really worried about you…" Adora spoke softly. Catra rubbed her eyes with her thumb and index finger, and glanced at Adora, who had now turned to face her.

"Why?" Catra asked in an almost seething tone.

"Do I need a reason to worry about the girl I love more than anything?" Adora asked. Catra sighed, standing up and going towards the balcony door, looking out at the night sky as Adora sat up on the bed. "You've been… not yourself lately."

"Wonderful observation, Adora," Catra sighed in frustration. "Next you're gonna tell me that hurting myself was a bad thing, huh?"

"Catra, I'm… I only want to help you. I'm sorry if I haven't been good enough at that, but you just seem so… sad. And I want to know what I can do to help you," Adora pleaded. Catra knew she was lashing out again, but she felt like her grip was loosening. Everything was slowly spilling out.

"You can't help, Adora. There is nothing that you or your stupid superpowers can do for me. I'm a freak and frankly, I don't deserve to be helped. So stop wasting your time on me already," Catra growled, now turning to face Adora.

"Catra," Adora held up her hands. "I get that you're not in a great place right now…"

"Not in a great place?!" Catra threw her arms out. "Everyone in this kingdom wants to see me choke and die, and frankly, I can't blame them! I tormented them, traumatized them, and took away their sense of security!" Catra yelled. It was all spilling. There was no lid, no way to control this.

"Catra…" Adora spoke softly.

"I have never been in a good place, Adora, because a good place for me doesn't exist! Okay?!" Catra panted. "I don't deserve a good place! Frankly, I don't deserve a scrap of love, or happiness, or anything! I barely even deserve a scrap of your… your… your pity!"

"I'm not pitying you!" Adora stood up. "I understand this feeling… Not believing in yourself, thinking that everyone hates you…"

"How could you ever understand?!" Catra screamed, tears now streaming freely. "You're always surrounded by people who love you and adore you, because all you've ever done is help them! All you've ever done is be a hero while I'm the villain! I clung to the only thing I knew, and everyone hated and abandoned me for it! I… I'm so, so horrible, but I don't even know how to be good anymore!"

"That's not true!" Adora stepped towards Catra. "You have done great things, and you know it! You saved me… At the Heart of Etheria. I would've died without you."

Catra looked away from Adora, turning her back to her love. "Adora… I wish you could just acknowledge it," Catra spoke.

"Acknowledge what?" Adora asked, reaching out to place a hand on Catra's shoulder. Catra immediately spun, slapping Adora's hand away and screaming in her face as tears streamed down her cheeks.

"THAT I'M A HORRIBLE PERSON AND I DESERVE TO DIE!" Catra burnt her lungs raw, choking in a sob as Adora stared with wide eyes. "That I hurt so many people! I hurt you so badly! I've never done anything good, and I never will do anything good! I'm a piece of crap! Glimmer should've killed me. Hordak should've killed me. I should've killed me! The world would be a better place if I was just… just dead and forgotten!" Catra panted heavily. "If I was dead… I wouldn't drag you down with me every day."

Adora stared at Catra as she panted, the tears streaming as pain overtook her body. Catra put a hand to her own heart and choked out sobs of agony, the guilt sliding into her throat like a slug and choking the life out of her. Adora watched as Catra broke down, falling to her knees as she made noises that were always inhuman. She wept, and whimpered, and cried at Adora's feet, but above all else, Catra felt a sense of rage at herself.

Catra wanted to crawl out of her skin and just completely destroy herself. She wanted to erase everything about herself and just never come back. She wanted to place Adora in a better position where she could be happy without Catra. She wanted to reverse everything she had ever done, up to the day she was born, so that none of the suffering she brought around would have ever happened.

Catra felt worthless. She felt pathetic. She felt like nothing.

Catra felt like a shell.

Adora, for the first time in her life, felt absolutely paralysed. She looked down at Catra, exploding with her trauma, depression, self-hatred and guilt, and felt as if anything she did in this moment would only make everything worse. Adora slowly sunk to her knees before Catra, not even sure if she could touch her. She tried to choke out words, but they caught in her lungs. Adora gritted her teeth, watching Catra suffering and doing nothing was more painful than almost anything she had endured.

Adora, after all this, could only choke out the three words she truly meant more than anything else.

"I love you."

Catra heard it. Beyond all the tears, agony and sobbing, she heard Adora's words. And she felt like she had manipulated Adora into saying them. Slowly, Catra rose to her feet, tears still welling in her eyes, and she frowned at herself, returning with only a couple of words.

"I'm sorry."

Catra turned around and immediately ran out the door. "Catra! Catra, wait!" Adora reached out. But she still stayed on her knees. What if Catra didn't want to see her? What if she made things worse? What if this was for the best? Adora's hand clenched into a fist, and she gritted her teeth tight, sinking the floor and letting tears let loose as Catra ran away.

And once again, Catra and Adora were apart.