Hey loves, thank you all for your responses! I know I left the last chapter with a bit of a rough ending, so I hope this one is better.

*Warning* this chapter is very angsty and sensitive, so proceed with caution.

I was hoping to wake up next to Dimitri the next night, but the bed was still half empty when I woke up. My sleep wasn't as peaceful as the days I slept in Dimitri's arms and I was already feeling upset when I got out of bed. It was silly of me because I had spent the majority of my life sleeping on my own. If I could do it before, why couldn't I do it now?

Because you're a broken doll, a voice in my head told me. I shivered, trying to ignore that darker part of me and changed into a pair of black tights along with Dimitri's hoodie. While he probably wanted space after my harsh words yesterday, it still comforted me to have some part of him close.

I walked into the connecting bathroom and saw a clutter of products. They all belonged to Dimitri, so he must have used the washroom here even though he had slept in a different room. To see it looking so messy was unusual. Dimitri usually left everything tidy and clean, but everything here was a mess.

I left the washroom and walked into the hallway, heading into the other bedroom where I saw a much smaller bed. The sheets were rumpled and the corner of the duvet was tossed to the side. I recognized Dimitri's water bottle and one of his western novels on the nightstand.

I sat on the bed, feeling upset once again. I wasn't sure if it was a submissive thing, but I hated letting him down. I still wanted to do something for him despite the situation, so I stood up and smoothed out his sheets. I rearranged the pillows, making the bed look better than before. I headed back into the washroom right after and neatly placed his items on the counter, getting rid of the small mess. Once I was satisfied, I headed downstairs and decided to make some breakfast despite my low appetite.

My attempt to cook eggs—the most basic and simple food choice—was a wreck. The yolk broke on the pan, spilling out and making a mess. With another fit of anger, I tossed the egg into the garbage and mentally scolded myself for wasting food. After slamming the pan back down on the stove, I turned off the heat and strode towards the back door of the house. I stepped outside, briefly nodding towards a guardian standing outside. I looked at his face a little more and started to recognize his facial features. He was young, maybe my age or a few years older at most. I hadn't seen him since the days I had spoken to Sebastian and Damian when they had been in jail at the royal court.

"Jeremy?"

"I was wondering if you'd remember me," he said. "It's been a while."

"Yeah, it has," I admitted. Remembering why I had come out here in the first place, I decided to ask him something. "Where were the wards drawn?"

"The border is right by that tree stump," he said pointing to what used to be a very large tree.

"Thanks," I told him. The tree stump was right at the opening of the forest, meaning I was still in Jeremy's line of sight. I brushed some dirt off of the stump and sat down, crossing my legs below me. I slid forward, trying to get myself past the wards while still being able to move back in case anything happened. It was silent at first and all I could hear were the trees moving with the outdoor breeze.

"Someone's looking a little down."

I jerked my head up and found Damian perched on a fallen log in front of me, still looking the same as he usually did. I could see him now that my body was slightly passed the wards.

"You seriously need to stop showing up out of nowhere," I scolded.

"Oh, sorry. Would you like me to schedule an appointment?" he asked sarcastically. I rolled my eyes and threw a stick at him which passed through his figure.

"Seriously, though. What's going on?" he asked, sounding more serious this time. Sometimes, I questioned why I talked to him after our strange history.

"A lot is going on," I whispered, slouching with my elbows on my knees.

"Is Avery still trying to hurt you?" Damian asked. "I tried to make her stay away."

I shook my head. "I think she's gone for good. The last time I saw her, she went to hell...I think."

"Then what's bothering you?"

I paused, considering my next words. "I got into an argument with Dimitri yesterday."

Damian only stared, expecting more explanation, so I took a deep breath and started ranting. "So, there's this crazy bitch who's following me everywhere I fucking go and I'm pretty sure she's out to kill me which is why I had to move here. Anyways, I took my friend's anxiety away because she was all worried and then it completely backfired on me and turned into anger and the next thing you know, I'm yelling at my boyfriend for no reason. I took out all my anger on him and then I practically told him he was a control freak and that I was a powerless submissive when really, I love being submissive to him and he's not control freak but I made him feel like he is and now we're not talking!"

By the time I got everything off my chest, Damian was a little speechless, not quite knowing what to say. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, struggling to get words out. Honestly, if someone ranted to me as fast as I ranted to him, I wouldn't know what to say either.

"I don't think he's mad at you if that's what you're worried about," he said after a few minutes. "Listen, I don't spend every waking moment spying on you or anything, but it's obvious he loves you. Maybe he thinks he controls you too much because of how protective he is."

"But he's not controlling. Or...well, I don't think he is. Nothing is one-sided. We both like having some power exchange in our relationship, but everything is healthy and I don't feel powerless. If anything, I think being submissive has made me feel stronger. Outside of our relationship, I'm the total opposite of that. I don't like being told what to do. I'm stubborn and impulsive and I make my own decisions, but with Dimitri...it's different. The things we do, the way he takes me in hand—it's not forced. I like being submissive with him outside of the bedroom."

I realized I might have been sharing too much personal information here, but Damian didn't make anything awkward. He was trying to understand.

"Then tell him that," he said. "Tell him everything you just told me. If your feelings matter to him, he'll listen. You two have been through hell together, and right now with everything else going on, you need each other."

Damian was right about that. This wasn't a good time for us to fight. The type of relationship we were in required a lot of communication and trust. I needed to be honest and Dimitri needed to as well.

I didn't know what else to say, so I nodded and gave Damian a grateful smile despite still feeling a little sad. "Thanks for listening to my annoying rant."

"You're not annoying," Damian chuckled. "I want to help you while I'm still here. I can help you find that girl who's following you too. She won't be able to see me and nothing can hurt me. There's not much I can do, but I can tell you if I find something. You just need to keep coming out of the wards to talk to me, just like you are now."

"Damian, are you sure? A lot of people are already doing the most for this. What if something happens to you?"

Damian scoffed, choking back a laugh. "What? Do you think she's going to kill me?"

I scowled at him.

"Reality check: I'm already dead. You're talking to a ghost in case you've forgotten."

"Are you saying I'm crazy?" I asked.

"Yes," he said shamelessly. I rolled my eyes, picking at some of the grass below me until I heard what sounded like a branch cracking on the ground. It sounded like it was somewhere in the forest, but it wasn't too far away.

"What was that?" I asked, thinking it was just a squirrel until I heard it again. It sounded like footsteps, but it was hard to tell whether it was a person or an animal. It definitely wasn't a squirrel.

"I don't know," Damian said, looking behind him. "It's probably just an animal, but I can go check."

I nodded, and Damian disappeared. I wrapped my arms around myself, feeling a little vulnerable now that I was alone even though I had technically been alone this whole time. Damian was nothing more than a ghost. He popped up again a few minutes later and the expression on his face showed bad news.

"Rose, you should go inside."

I stood up from the tree stump, alarm signals going through my head. "Why? What's out there?"

"It looked like some kind of wolf. The eyes were practically glowing, but it didn't look very friendly. Look, you should really go inside—"

"Damian," I said worriedly, my heart rate speeding up, "that's not a wolf. That's a psi—"

Whatever I wanted to say was cut off when something jumped out of the shadows of the trees, scratching my left collar bone and knocking me over. It was sudden and unexpected, and my first reaction was to scream as my body was attacked by a monstrous psi hound. I honestly had no idea how I was supposed to fight one of these and didn't want to kill it. Psi hounds looked too much like dogs.

I managed to push the creature off, holding it away with my hands as it attempted to bite me over and over again. Two guardians were already by my side, trying to haul the animal off of me. It was out of control and I started to panic. This thing wasn't going to stop. I didn't want to kill it, but if I didn't do something, it might kill one of us.

The two guardians that were trying to get a hold of the psi hound were Jeremy and Dimitri. Despite how strong they were, fighting with an animal this aggressive was impossible. Every time it knocked one of them over, it would start attacking the other person.

"Rose, go back inside!" Dimitri yelled. During the split second that his attention was on me, he got attacked again and plummeted to his stomach. He was too vulnerable in that position with the psi hound on his back and I wasn't about to leave him there. When I heard the little whimper of pain come out of his mouth, I charged towards him, knocking the animal out of the way. Without thinking twice, I bared my fangs and sank them into the psi hound's neck. It howled out and every vicious part of it vanished within seconds, trying to get out of my hold. I let go and it ran away, leaving me breathless on the grass.

My adrenaline eventually started to die down and the sting from the scratches on my collar bone was getting worse. I pulled back the hoodie I was wearing, frowning when I saw the lines of torn material.

"Are you okay?" Dimitri asked, slipping a hand under my arm. I didn't answer as I was too worried about him, although he didn't have any severe injuries other than a bruise and a small cut on his cheek.

"Your face," I gasped out, brushing my thumb against his cheek. I had seen him injured several times before, but I still worried about him. His body was more fragile than mine.

Jeremy approached us, picking at some torn fabric on his shirt. "You guys should go inside."

"I think we all should," I told him. "There might be more of those."

"If there were more, whoever sent them would have sent a whole pack."

"You think this was intentional? That it wasn't just a random psi hound?" I asked worriedly.

"It had to be, otherwise it wouldn't have tried to attack you. It had to be sent here by a moroi," Jeremy suspected. "Go inside. The rest of us are fine out here. We'll stay close to the house."

Dimitri and I gave each other worried side glances. If that psi hound was sent here by a moroi, we already knew who it was. He gently tugged on my arm, bringing me back into the house. We walked inside and he slid the back door closed. "What happened to your shoulder?"

My injury was impossible to hide from him, so I pulled his hoodie over my head to take a look. Dimitri's face fell and he guided me to the upstairs washroom. It certainly looked worse than it felt—three large scratch marks that went from my shoulder to my collar bone.

"Is it okay if I take care of those?" Dimitri asked hesitantly. I wasn't sure why he was asking me for permission, but I nodded anyway and sat up on the counter while he pulled out a first aid kit from under the sink. He didn't say a word as he grabbed one of the hand towels and soaked them in warm water before squeezing it above the sink.

"The scratches will heal," I reminded him, though I wasn't opposed to letting him treat me.

"I know," he said, pressing the towel against the bloody sight. "I just want to make sure it doesn't get infected."

I sighed, flipping my hair out of the way while he cleaned the wounds. He was so gentle and it only stung later on when he had to apply rubbing alcohol. I bit my lip and tried to stay silent as the sting lingered there for the next few minutes.

"What were you doing outside?" Dimitri questioned, cleaning the wound on his face.

"I just needed fresh air," I replied. He sighed but didn't make any further comments and instead focussed on my shoulder again.

"You're healing already," he said optimistically. I looked down and smiled slightly when I saw the wound beginning to close at the edges.

"I should call Abe and report what happened," he said, stepping away. Before he left, he glanced at the bathroom counter and saw how neat everything was. He probably didn't expect me to clean up. "Did you do this?"

"Yeah," I answered, rubbing the back of my neck. Dimitri stepped forward and brought his fingers up to my chin, tipping my head up.

"I appreciate it, but you didn't have to," he said softly. "You don't have to do anything for me."

I knew I didn't have to do anything for him, but I wanted to. Maybe he didn't understand and I knew he meant well when he said that, but something about it made me...sad. I didn't know what it was nor did I understand why I was so upset. I really needed to get a hold of myself.

"You should, uh, make that phone call."

"Right." Dimitri paused, putting his hand on the door frame. He looked like he wanted to say something, but he seemed unsure of himself. All that came out was, "I hope you're okay."

I slept alone again when day time came around. As much as I hated sleeping alone now, I didn't want Dimitri to think I was clingy, so when he asked if I needed to sleep with him, I told him I'd be fine.

But I wasn't. I had been dreading the nightmares, but they happened. This one, in particular, was one of the worst I'd had in over a month. I was reliving it all over again. Every painful memory I constantly tried to push away kept haunting my dreams and it felt like it was going on forever. It wasn't until I woke up that I realized just how mentally unstable I was. I wasn't sure if it was the nightmare or the earlier spirit darkness that was making me feel like this. It could have been a combination of both.

I was shaking a little bit as I crawled out of bed and walked into the washroom. I didn't realize I had been crying so much until I looked at my pale figure in the mirror and quickly wiped my tears away. The wound on my shoulder was almost gone now.

The need to be in control of something was dawning on me again. My old habits were shameful, but they were tempting. It wasn't about needing to feel pain, but rather a sense of control. There were a lot of things that were out of my control right now, but this wasn't.

I started looking around in the washroom for anything I could use, but I found nothing. The drawers were mostly empty and so were the cabinets underneath the sink, so I left the washroom and walked to the other washroom in the hallway. I tiptoed, moving as quietly as possible to not wake anyone who was sleeping in the other rooms.

I looked around in the other washroom, going through the cabinets and drawers until I came across an item I wanted. It was good enough for me, so I grabbed it and tucked it into my hand.

Don't do this, a voice in my head told me. Pull yourself together. You're better than this.

I thought about it, reconsidering my actions. I had been making so much progress in the last few months. If I went through with this, all that progress would go down the drain and I'd be back to square one. I knew it was wrong...but it was so tempting. I didn't want to, I needed to.

"I can't. I can't do it. It's wrong."

But I need to.

Great. Now I was arguing with myself. "No, no, no, this is all wrong—"

"Rose."

I gasped and turned around to find Dimitri standing in the doorway. He looked so concerned when he saw my disoriented state and I quickly hid my hand behind my back before he could see anything.

"Sorry, I—I didn't mean to wake you up," I said with a shaky breath. "I was just, um, looking for something but it's not here, so I'm going to go back to bed."

Before I could leave, Dimitri reached out and stopped me, putting a hand on my shoulder. My breathing picked up when I realized he must have suspected something. I couldn't even blame him if he did. My eyes were red from crying earlier and I was still shaking.

I took a step back as Dimitri took another careful step forward. "What's in your hand, Rose?"

"It's—u-uh, it's nothing. It's just something for...for my hair." That was half a lie.

"Are you sure?" he continued. His voice was calm and he didn't come any closer because of how unstable I looked. I was delusional if I thought he wouldn't be able to read me. He knew me too well.

"Yeah, of course," I said, trying to conceal my real intentions and failing miserably. Dimitri sighed, looking at me sympathetically as he held his hand out.

"Can you show me what you're hiding?"

"Why?" I asked him, holding back tears. "I told you it's nothing."

"I know you're lying," he said. "I'm not mad at you, Roza. I just want you to give me what you're holding. That's all."

I hesitated, feeling guilty once I saw the worry in his eyes. I was in a world of swirling emotions and it was overwhelming me to the point where I felt like I would break down any second. "I can't."

"Yes you can. Whatever it is, I won't judge you. You know I'm always with you no matter what," Dimitri said, not moving closer but stretching his arm out more. "Roza, please. Just hand it over."

I couldn't bring myself to look him in the eyes, so I looked down as I brought my shaking hand in front of me and laid the scissors into Dimitri's hand. His fingers curled around the blades and he exhaled in relief before putting the object into the far corner of the counter.

And then I lost it. I covered my mouth with the back of my hand as I started to sob uncontrollably. I was clouded with both embarrassment and shame. Shame for nearly falling into my old habits, shame for letting darkness get to me, shame for not being able to handle my nightmares. Shame for being weak.

"I'm sorry," I cried. "I'm so sorry, Dimitri. Oh god."

"Hey, don't apologize. Come here, it's okay." Dimitri pulled me into his arms and held me against his chest, petting my hair with his hand to calm me down. "There, there. I'm right here, baby."

The tears were coming so fast and I couldn't even speak coherently. Dimitri sat down, bringing me with him and leaning us against the tub. He took my hand, stroked my knuckles with his thumb and cupping my cheek with his other hand. "Deep breaths, Roza."

I did my best to follow him, taking deep breaths in a steady pattern that lasted until I could breathe properly. My pulse slowed and I leaned against him, letting more tears fall. Dimitri kept holding my hand, helping me ground myself. He knew it helped me when I held his hand.

"Good girl," he whispered. Those two words alone started to make me feel a little bit better and I loved hearing him say it. He sounded genuine too, as if he truly believed I was good even though my thoughts were the opposite.

"I don't think I'm a good girl," I admitted shyly.

"Why not?" Dimitri asked tentatively. "Talk to me, sweetheart."

"I had a nightmare," I choked, "and I feel stupid because I couldn't handle it. I wanted to, Dimitri. I wanted to face it on my own and I couldn't. And the bond I have with Lissa has been so off lately and it's making me lose my mind. Yesterday, I took all of her anxiety away, but it made me angry and I took it out on you. I didn't mean anything I said."

"That was the spirit?" He pulled back and I lifted my head off of his chest to face him.

"Yes. But it doesn't make what I did okay. You don't know how sorry I am."

Dimitri shook his head. "No, no. You don't need to apologize for this. I was never mad at you and I should have known the bond was affecting you. I shouldn't have left you to sleep on your own. It was wrong of me. I'm so sorry."

"But I hurt you. I said things I shouldn't have said. I feel like I've ruined things."

"You haven't ruined anything. This is something we work through together and what you said wasn't wrong. I've thought about it a lot, and I think there are times where I shouldn't try to control you. I feel like...like I'm so overprotective that I end up limiting your actions if I think it'll put you in danger."

He was overprotective, but my life was in grave danger and I couldn't blame him. I'd be a hypocrite if I said I wasn't just as protective of him. If the roles were reversed and I was his guardian, I'd be telling him to stay out of danger too. Still, I had to give him credit for admitting this to me instead of trying to push it away. "You're not a control freak, Dimitri."

"Maybe not, but that doesn't mean I'm not controlling at all," he said. "I want to be better for you. I don't want you to feel powerless."

"I didn't mean that either," I groaned. "I don't feel powerless. I can stop being submissive whenever I want to, but the truth is that I like being submissive. No, scratch that, I love it. And I'm not just talking about getting tied up and dominated in bed. I want to be submissive with you outside of that too because it's not just a sexual thing for me. It's...it's more than that. It's emotional."

"I feel that way too." Dimitri wiped one of my tears away with his thumb before he continued. "Those little tasks I give you once in a while—it makes you happy?"

I nodded. "It does. Even the ones that are so simple. I enjoy doing them and when you praise me for it, it makes me feel good. I like making you happy."

"You do make me happy, Roza. Regardless of how stubborn you can be, I'm always happy with you. This whole day has been a shit show. I don't want us to fight anymore."

"Me neither." This was the first time in a while that Dimitri and I were having a real adult conversation. There were no angry words, no attempt to shut anyone down—just honest communication about our feelings. Perhaps all the stress was what had been holding us back before, but we were letting it out now. As horrible as our argument was yesterday, this was something good that came out of it.

"Can you promise me something?" Dimitri inquired, brushing some hair away from my face. I nodded, looking into his eyes that regarded me with nothing else but love and security. "If at any point, you feel like you need to talk to me, whether it's about trauma, nightmares, our relationship, anything—tell me. If you feel the need to hurt yourself like you did earlier, come to me. If I've done something wrong and you want to call me out, do it. If you feel like I've treated you unfairly, tell me and I'll listen to you. Your feelings matter to me and you are still my equal—and you will always be my equal, whether you're submissive or not. Can you promise me that?"

"I promise," I said truthfully. Dimitri smiled and wrapped his hand around my neck, pulling me in to seal our lips together. Our kiss was soft and delicate and I let some more tears out as I melted into his embrace. Even one day without physical contact affected us.

"Let's go to bed," he said after he pulled away. I stood up with him, frowning when I saw the scissors on the counter. Dimitri put it back into the drawer before leading me out, and after quickly grabbing his phone, novel, and water bottle, he guided me to the room I had been sleeping in. He sat down on the bed and I straddled his lap, wrapping my legs around his waist.

"Don't be ashamed of what happened," Dimitri murmured. "I know you were tempted, but you didn't give in. You're so strong, Roza."

I didn't know what to say to his reassuring words, but I could feel myself getting emotional again. I hugged his neck and he squeezed my small figure, pressing me against his body.

"I love you," I whispered, sniffling as another tear fell.

"I love you too," he responded, rubbing my back. We stayed like that, neither one of us wanting to move even though we had to go back to sleep soon. After a few minutes, I spoke again. I was anxious to hear his answer to my next question, but I needed the reassurance.

"Dimitri?" I croaked, resting my head on his shoulder. "Am I still your sub?"

"Oh, Roza," he said affectionately, holding me close and kissing the side of my head. "You'll always be my sub."

This chapter was SO emotionally difficult to write that I had to keep stopping, particularly when Dimitri found Rose in the bathroom when she was thinking of hurting herself.

I think this chapter really got to me and I would love to know what you thought of the whole thing. Thank you for reading and stay safe!