"Are you sure? Trust me, my mom won't mind. Sometimes I think she loves you more than Ron." Ginny said as she closed her suitcase.
"No, it's okay, Gin. I wouldn't want to bother Ron and Harry. I'll make up with them after Christmas." Hermione assured Ginny as she packed away a few last things.
"Can you at least just stop by? Mom already knitted you a sweater, you know." Ginny pleaded.
"I'll think about it." Hermione said, ending the conversation.
When Hermione got to the station, a wave of anxiety hit her. She had no one to sit with. She'd been awfully recluded since the first year. Harry, Ron and Ginny were her friends. The rest were just acquaintances who she only talked to when her friends were around. She made up with Draco, and she decided not to worry about Blaise and Theo anymore. They were her friends. Unfortunately, whether she liked it or not, they were Slytherin. There was no way she could sit with them and their other Slytherin friends. They wouldn't let her, probably.
Hermione's thoughts were interrupted by Blaise nudging her.
"Ready to go in? You can sit with us." Blaise offered, as if reading her mind. He was always considerate and empathetic.
"No, I couldn't. Your-" Hermione started, but was interrupted by Theo wrapping his arm around her.
"We won't hear another word. You're coming with us. Unless your asshole friends have finally apologized." Theo said with a squeez.
"They're not assholes." Hermione defended. "Well not always, anyways."
"I think I have my answer." Theo grinned as he pushingly led her inside.
Hermione sat next to Blaise and Theo sat across her. The train hadn't started moving yet. They would have to wait 10 more minutes. They made a little smalltalk while they waited.
"So, Hermione. Do you have any Christmas plans?" Theo asked.
"Not really. My parents are celebrating their anniversary in Paris, so I'll be alone. I was going to go to the Burrow, but, well, you know." Hermione didn't really feel like going into detail.
"Ah. Well I'm no stranger to lone Christmas'. Lucky for me Blaise always got my back. His mom is the best." Theo beamed, as Blaise smiled.
"Yeah, she's the best. Do you get along with your parents, 'Mia?" Blaise inquired.
"Sure. They've done so much for me, accepted me." It was true. Hermione loved her parents. Although lately they'd been growing apart. They just didn't have anything in common. Her parents couldn't relate to her, and she couldn't relate to them. They got on fine, but they never really talked. "I love them. A lot."
"That's nice." Hermione's head snapped up. Draco was standing in the doorway. He nodded to Hermione in acknowledgment then he frowned towards Theo and Blaise. "You didn't wait for me."
"You were taking too long." Blaise shrugged. Draco muttered an insult at Blaise and nudged Theo as he sat down next to him.
"So, what are we talking about?" Draco asked.
"We were talking about our Christmas plans. You have anything special planned, Draco?" Hermione asked. Theo and Blaise tensed up. Draco did too, but it was barely noticeable. He quickly spoke up as if everything was normal, but the truth is, he had the worst anxiety about going home, seeing his father again.
"No, just the usual awkward family celebration. Hopefully they decide to leave the day after Christmas."
"You're always welcome at my place." Blaise offered. "You too Hermione."
"That's nice, Blaise, but it's okay. Really. I can catch up on my reading." Hermione said with a soft smile directed at her friend. It seems her fears about Blaise being ashamed of her were silly. He obviously didn't care that Hermione was muggleborn, or if she spent Christmas with him and his mom. He wasn't embarrassed.
"What do you mean? Aren't you spending it with Weasel and Pottyhead?" Draco asked with a confused glance on his face. Hermione rolled her eyes, but didn't correct Draco on what he called her friends, which she usually always did.
"Seriously man? Haven't you kept up at all with what's going on. They're not friends anymore." Theo said, to which Hermione smacked him on his knee.
"We're still friends! Just not getting along right now. We'll be fine after break." Hermione defended.
"Well if you're not fine, don't you think you fit way better in our friend group? We don't treat you like crap." Blaise told her with a grin and a squeeze on her knee. Hermione's heart fluttered when Blaise said that. Having heard it aloud, that he wants her in his friend group and the others didn't protest, it made her feel loved. Still, she defended her friends.
"They don't treat me like crap. I treat them like crap. It's my fault we're fighting."
"That's hard to believe. What did you do?" Theo asked.
"I said a lot of things I shouldn't have." Hermione said in a small voice. A silence fell over in their cabin, the boys realizing she didn't want to say anything more on the subject. The silence was interrupted by Pansy storming in.
"What is she doing in my spot?" Pansy sneered. Even though lately tensions were high between the boys and Pansy, she always sat with them in the train. Ever since the first year it was the 4 of them entering the train together, and leaving it too. The group grew up together and it was only natural to be together in the first year and it formed a tradition in the years after, even when they grew apart and found new friends. Theo and Pansy got along fine most of the time, Blaise tolerated her, but Draco had grown to severely dislike her and the feeling was mutual. Still, their rivalry never caused him to exclude her when the group was together, so it was a shock to her when she found her seat occupied by none other than Hermione Granger.
"Don't see your name on it, Parkinson." Hermione retorted with a smug look on her face. She was still angry at the girl.
"Theo!" Pansy ignored Hermione and turned to Theo for some support. "Do something!"
"Sorry, Pans. First come, first go." Theo said apologetically. Pansy was one of his closest friends, but he never agreed with her morals, and after hearing what she said to Hermione from his friends, he couldn't help but feel slightly angry.
"You're going to regret this." Pansy said with a glare directed at everyone in the compartment, before storming away. She (surprisingly) had other friends she could sit with, but she was hurt by her oldest friends choosing Hermione over her.
"She didn't call me a mudblood this time. I think that's growth." Hermione joked, easing the tensions in the room. It earned a few laughs from the boys.
Soon enough they felt the train start moving. They spent the rest of the train ride talking and playing games. Draco bought them all some snacks. He was hoping that his mom would be picking him up, and that his father stayed home. If he looked through the windows and noticed him sitting with Hermione Granger, Draco would never hear the end of it, though he doubted his mom would care, or even recognize Hermione.
During the ride Hermione felt eternal gratefulness. If at the beginning of the semester you would've told her she would be riding back from Hogwarts with Theo, Blaise and especially Draco, she would've told you you were crazy. Now she was not only sitting in the same carriage as them, but they were her friends. Not even just acquaintances, but actual friends.
As they were nearing the station she started to feel a bit guilty, as she hadn't gotten any of them gifts for Christmas. Granted, it's not like they really needed anything, but still friends gave each other presents for Christmas, no matter how useless.
She decided she could do a bit of last minute shopping and owl them their gifts. It's a good thing she now knew Theo was spending the holidays with Blaise, so she could owl both their presents to Blaise's house.
The train came to a halt. Draco looked outside and was relieved to see Dobby. It seems both his parents were too busy to pick him up. The group grabbed their bags, Theo insisted on carrying Hermione's. The youngest Nott was known to be quite the womanizer. his manners were impeccable and made a lot of girls swoon. His good looks sure helped his cause. Hermione used to judge him for it, but now it was coming out in her favor. Besides, he always treated women with respect. Under different circumstances, maybe Hermione would swoon for him too, but they were strictly friends.
Outside stood Nott sr., who came to pick up his son before he left for vacation, with a cold look on his face and Blaise's mom. She looked like she was in her thirties. You'd think being a serial killer would age you, but she looked great. Warm, even. Very motherly. Her appearance reminded Hermione a bit of Molly Weasley. Her eyes shot out for the familiar woman. She found her standing next to her husband, both waiting for their children. It saddened Hermione a bit that her parents weren't there waiting for her, but she knew they would've stayed if she asked them to, so she figured it was her own fault. She wanted to go say hi to the Weasley's before they left, after all, they were like her second family.
"Do you want a lift home? I'm sure mom wouldn't mind apparating with you; a little detour." Blaise offered, snapping Hermione out of her thoughts.
"Oh, no. That's okay. I don't live that far from here." Hermione declined. It was a slight lie. She lived a good half hour away, but didn't want to be a bother. Besides, her parents had already left her fare for the trip home.
"Well, okay then. Have a happy Christmas, Hermione. Owl me if you change your mind about spending the holidays alone." Blaise said. He then caught Hermione off guard by pulling her in for a bone crushing hug. She quickly recovered and hugged him back.
When she let go she turned to Theo. She saw his father impatiently looking so she didn't expect him to pay her goodbye. She was surprised when he leaned down to kiss her cheek, making sure his father saw. Theo didn't have the same fear for his father as Draco. He loathed his absent father and did anything he could to aggravate the man. Openly showing affection for a muggleborn did just that.
"Happy Christmas, Hermione." Theo said as Hermione blushed and rolled her eyes.
"Happy Christmas, Theodore." Hermione said annoyed, but at least it earned her one last playful glare from Theo for calling him by his full name. Hermione waved one last time to Blaise and was then left alone with Draco.
"Have a Happy Christmas, Draco. I hope it's not too bad." Hermione said as she turned to him.
"Yeah, whatever. Happy Christmas." Draco wished her before turning away towards Dobby. It was a lazy wish, but it meant a lot coming from Draco. Even though they'd made up, it was still a little bit awkward between the two.
"I see you're still fraternizing with the enemy." Hermione heard someone say behind her, Ron. She knew he didn't really mean it, or maybe he did a little bit, but he was mostly just trying to hurt her, because she hurt him.
"Come on, Ronald. You know I'm sorry." She turned to him. She was going to have to apologize sooner or later, might as well do it now.
"Doesn't look like it. It looks like you're really getting on with those Death Eaters. Easily replaced us." Ron spat. His voice was venomous but Hermione kept telling herself it was because he was hurt.
"They're not Death Eaters, nor your replacement. You know that. I'm sorry for what I said, Ron. I really am." Hermione said genuinely.
"Yeah, well you should be. All I was trying-" Ron was interrupted by Harry stepping out of the train.
"Hey, you finally made up! Took you long enough." Harry exclaimed obviously. "Are you coming to the Burrow, 'Mione?"
"We haven't made up and she's not coming." Ron said with a glare. Hermione's heart faltered a bit, at her friends' stubbornness to forgive her. Harry was obviously ready. She was hurt and started to get annoyed.
"I apologized already. Do with that what you want. If you don't want to accept it, that's on you." Hermione said as she crossed her arms.
"Come on, Ron. This has gone on long enough, don't you think? Besides, it's tradition for us to spend Christmas together at the Burrow." Harry tried to reason with his friend. He started to miss Hermione a while ago, but didn't want to hurt Ron more by hanging out with her. He did really want them both for Christmas, though.
"The Burrow is for friends. We're not her friends. Hermione has obviously replaced us already with her Death Eater friends. She doesn't need us anymore." And with that last jab at Hermione, he spun on his heel and left. His words really hurt Hermione. She felt tears start to prick at her eyes.
"He didn't mean that, Hermione. He's just angry. Give him some time. I'll talk to him." Harry offered Hermione. She didn't reply, just glanced away from him, not wanting him to see the tears in her eyes. Harry saw them though, but chose not to say anything about it. "Happy Christmas, 'Mione." Usually he'd hug her, but he saw Ron looking at them out of the corner of his eye and decided against it, not wanting to hurt Ron more.
Harry left her. Hermione didn't wish him a Happy Christmas. She left the station as fast as possible. The moment she got outside and out of sight of other students, she let her tears finally fall. She felt betrayed by Harry. He was so disgusted by her he didn't even hug her. Ron didn't even want to associate himself with her.
She got into a taxi. The chauffeur asked her if she was okay and she brushed it off. When she got home she rushed to her room and crawled in bed. She cried for what felt for hours. All those tears didn't lift a weight, not even a little bit. Hours later she still felt just as bad. Nothing could make her feel better. She thought back to the bathroom. The scratching. It made her feel better. Hermione shook the thought out of her head. It was silly. She decided to go watch the TV. She hasn't seen an episode of 'Orange is the new black' in ages; she had a lot to catch up on.
She was trying to keep up with what was going on. She'd longed for this for so long, but she couldn't get the pit in her stomach to subside. Her mind trickled back to the thought she had earlier on. Hermione fidgeted with her hands. She needed to get her mind off of everything. The TV clearly wasn't helping her case. She got off the couch and headed to the bathroom.
When she was a kid, whenever she was upset her mom would draw her a bath. She used to tell Hermione it would wash all her troubles away, and Hermione believed her. As she got older she kept loving baths.
As the water was filling the tub, Hermione stripped down. She looked at herself in the mirror. Hermione had always been painfully self aware. She knew all her flaws. She always focused on them, but she also knew she didn't have to worry. At least, she never has. Not about her appearance or people's perception of her. She was aware she wasn't ever the prettiest girl in the room, but she thought she wasn't the ugliest either. At the end of the day, Hermione was pretty secure being Hermione. This all changed around the third year. The girls were suddenly taller, prettier. The boys suddenly started noticing. All Hermione ever heard were backhanded compliments and accidental critiques from Ron. Of course, she had her glow-up in the fourth year. She was not only one of the prettiest girls in her year, but also one of the prettiest at Hogwarts. Her beauty rivaled those of the upper years. Everyone knew it; everyone except Hermione. Then again, how could she? Ron still acted as if Hermione wasn't a girl, and Harry was like her brother. And as much as they disliked it, all the other boys still avoided her due to the constant rumors that she was dating Harry. Some girls were jealous and made shitty remarks about Hermione's appearance on a daily basis. Hermione was never one to care about others' opinions, but it was bound to hit at some point.
She looked at herself and then turned around, looking at herself from all angles. She poked at her ribs, which were sticking out slightly. She sucked in as hard as she could so she could see her ribs more defined. She didn't remember her body looking like that. It looked so brittle. She could see the skin stretched over her knees. It scared her how detached they looked. The curves she once hated after persistent comments from Lavender about her weight, though she never cared enough to do anything about her insecurities. Her face looked tired and eyes hollowed out. She looked… broken. She was broken inside, and broken outside. At least now she matched.
Hermione turned up the music and climbed into the tub. She grabbed her loofah and the soap. She started scrubbing aways at the dirt that wasn't there. Scrubbing at her troubles and her sins, lucky for her they were all washable.. Right?
She scrubbed harder. She felt tears starting to fall. Everything started to hit her. She had no friends, no one liked her, she was so hard to love, nobody would even love her for her body. She was broken, and she didn't want to be. She started whimpering, cries escaping her mouth. She just wanted to be fixed. No matter how hard she scrubbed at her skin, which was now sore and red, she didn't feel better. Her troubles weren't washed away.
She screamed out and threw the loofah across the bathroom. She hugged her knees as she cried. She wanted to block everything out. Hermione submerged her head into the water. Then everything was quiet. Her troubles finally gone. She shut her eyes and focused on Kids by Current Joys that was playing. It was drowned out because she was under water. She felt like a kid again; at peace.
The peace was soon disturbed. It was starting to get replaced by a burning feeling. Hermione tried to breathe in but couldn't. Now she felt trapped. She knew she was crying, but her tears were merging with the water. She couldn't take it much longer. She resurfaced, coughing and gasping. Hermione started hyperventilating. She sat there heaving. It went on for so long that the water turned cold, her lips were almost blue.
Hermione snapped out of it and got out of the bath. She wrapped herself in towels, still shivering. She dried off and climbed into her bed, confused by what happened in the bathroom. She tried to get warm, but spent the whole night shaking.