Me and Miss Harrison talked for about half an hour on coping techniques as we both knew it wouldn't stop anytime soon we simply went for the coping techniques. As well as that she gave me an exit card so i was able to leave lessons when everything got to much and whats called a HAH card which allowed me assess to Miss Harrison or her team at all times despite when the office was closed to pupils during lesson time. After we'd finished talking there was about 10 minuets left of lesson 2 so she let me stay in her office whilst she put the notes on the system about my new cards so teachers wold know to let me leave if needed.
When the bell rang for break I knew I needed to leave her office so I went and sat in my English class ready for next lesson. However the hope Miss Harrison had put in me didn't last long and by the end of lunch I felt completely worn down and vulnerable again. Some people just never know when to take a fucking break, the constant digs and sarcastic remarks are not helpful for anyone.
Walking into last lesson which was gym I was not looking forward to it unlike normal. I left my leggings on instead of changing into shorts so no one would see my cuts and simply changed my top. Ensuring i'd transferred my exit card to my pocket as I was sure I wasn't going to make it trough the lesson I put on a brave face and went to the gym where today we were playing doge-ball. After being last to be picked, and everyone from both teams throwing the balls at me for the first two games when we were setting back up for the third game someone from my team triped me over and I lost it.
Tears streaming down my face I shoved over the guy who had tripped me up flashed my exit card to my teacher and ran from the gym. Not bothering to stop to get my bag from the locker room as my phone was in my truck I stormed off around school. Unsure where to go headed to my locker to get my car keys. It was only once i'd got there I remembered if I was to leave now Steve and Dano would be notified as I didn't have early permission to leave. Sighing, car keys in my hand I walked towards the car park deciding on just sitting in my truck for a while. This however turned out not to be visable as the tiers had been nicked and the front window smashed. I unlocked it anyway to get my phone and door keys out of the glove compartment and slumped down n the floor next to my truck.
That was when it hit me. I can't tell Steve or Chin, as they'll go over board as they'd already found out who'd beat me up and given them warnings. I can't tell Kono coz it will prove her right and shell tell Steve. I cant tell Dano as he'll tell Steve. And I can't tell mom as shell tell Dano who will tell Steve. All in all i'm screwed.
Once again tears were flowing freely down my face this time due to frustration and feeling like crap not anger. Opening my car door again I got my knife and shoved it down my waist band ignoring the pain it gave due to being pushed against yesterdays cuts. I then sat back down and waited for the bell to signal the end of the school day.
Once it had rung I sprinted through the school gates and all the way to the nearby forest. Walking in a little way before stopping and texting Steve.
Going out with some friends be in about 9pm. gracey xxx
feeling that was a viable excuse I carried on walking until I found a tree I could climb where I went up until I was hidden in the leaves. From here I could just about make out the groups of kids walking home form my school and middle school. Sitting I started thinking, why am I here, why does this happen to me, what did I ever do to them, why cant people like me, why am I so worthless. After a while the tears were falling thick and fast and I fumbled with the knife in my leggings. Pushing them down I stated attacking my thighs. My subconscious wanted me to stop but it just wasn't strong enough mentally to do so. About 20 minuets later pretty much the entirety of the top half of my left and right thighs were cut up pretty bad. Feeling my phone vibrate I saw a text from Steve
ok, have fun. im not going be home till v late again. i feel so bad but i feel better that your out with friends. xx
After reading that i saw it was almost 5 so decided to start walking home as it would take me a good hour to walk there so storing my knife in my leggings again I got down and started walking home ignoring the clingyness of the now wet fabric at the top of my thighs.