"Talking in my sleep again. Drown out all our screaming." ─Lana
We went home, swallowed by silence. Right now, I felt weary. My chaotic mind against his calm state. I took off the seatbelt and put my mask down. He loosened his tie. Watching me on his peripheral when I reached the dashboard to look for a pack of cigarette. His lips curled up as if he remembered my old habit. It was there as usual. I didn't even ask for permission. I put one between my lips and lighted it with trembled hand. He caught it. He knew I was a fucking mess.
I took a long drag. Nicotine filled my system but it didn't make me feel any better. He was composed because this man got the upper hand. I looked straight ahead, thinking. His mind was unreadable.
Another five minutes passed. I rolled down the window, throwing out my cig. The cold wind caught my hair and shook my bone. He gave me a sly grin as we were passing a familiar street. It was only five seconds, but I saw it.
My home.
My old home. A place where I grew up. Empty and abandoned. Surrounded by the dark, ghosts of memories and wild bushes. Not even a single light. It looked tragic. And it snapped something in me.
"Pull over." I said, emphasizing each word. His grin widened. In that moment, I knew he wasn't going to stop. True. He sped up instead. He was enjoying this a little too much.
I pushed him hard against the door, trying to take control of the steering wheel. This was almost an instinct. I was driven by anger. He laughed like it was a joke to him. I was fumed. The car was spinning in sharp turn. My head was dizzy. Fury was taking over me. He reached back, shoving me out of his seat. I pulled his shirt, coming at him with punches until my knuckles hurt. He ducked some and pushed me to the other side, tearing my dress apart in the process. This car was in the wrong lane now. And before we crash into the truck that was coming from opposite direction, he made a sudden swerve. It happened in two seconds. So lucky. He slammed the brakes. I charged at him as the car stopped on the side of the road. His head hit the window. My hands around his neck. My psychotic reflection staring back at me. The fucker smirked. I was choking him as hard as I could. It only last for four seconds before he pulled down my hair hard. I yelped. My hold loosened. He pushed me down, locking both of my wrists.
"You never learn." He said, blatantly glancing down at my now bare torso. My dress was ruined. But his clothes was no better. I held my chin high. It was not like he never saw it before.
"I will kill you." I replied. It was a promise.
That smirk reappeared. Those eyes brightened like he couldn't wait. He was sick.
"But not now."
I didn't sleep all night. I couldn't. I was afraid I would be screaming in my nightmares. Most nights I was thinking of a way to get away from here. I wasn't stupid. I knew this home was guarded in every corner. I was prisoned and I didn't know what he had in mind. But, if he wanted to kill me, I would be dead by now.
After that incident, the drive home from the gala, we were back to normal. Well, as normal as we could be. Pretending that nothing happened. Ignoring each other. It was nothing new. Back then, it was our daily routine. In front of Jasper and Alice, we would act like we could barely breathe in the same room. We were the best at it.
It was midnight again. I stood by the window watching the moon. It was so bright because the sky was clear. Never happened before.
Every day I was thinking. Maybe I had to try different approach.
They said it took two players to play the game.
Well, I would fucking play.
I was turning over the pages of Vogue when he walked into the kitchen in a navy suit. Tousled hair and ocean scent. He was busy today, I could tell. It was probably that one time in a month. If my father acted like this, it was usually the day when a big shipping coming. And I was talking about millions dollar stuffs.
"Can I go out today?" I asked casually. He turned to me, hiding his surprise. Because I never initiated the conversation before. And although we were usually in the same room, it wasn't like we even talked to each other. He sipped his coffee. Brow raised, eyes looking at me curiously. My face gave nothing away.
"I can't today." He said. As if it was very unfortunate. He was suspicious but trying his best not to show it.
"Well, you don't have to come with me." I replied, looking all innocent and shit. He chuckled right away like he could see through me.
"That's exactly what you want."
I rolled my eyes dramatically. "I honestly don't care if you're coming or not. I'm just so bored right now." It wasn't totally a lie. How could you not when you were at home all week?
He was quiet for a moment before asking. "Where do you want to go?"
"Jessica mentions some fashion event─"
"I'm surprised you like her." He cut me off.
"I don't." I said flatly.
He grinned as if he knew it all along. "And you still want to go with her?"
"Do I have anyone else?"
His eyes lit up. They were screaming bad intentions. "You want me to call Lottie?"
My expression turned sour. I couldn't help it. I didn't expect him to mention her name.
Lottie was a frenemy of mine and Alice back then. Blonde, attractive girl living her best life. We were growing up together in the same society. Italians, powerful family. It was almost like a hate/love relationship with her. She could be sweet and manipulative at the same time. It was always a bad thing every time she was involved. And the worst part was, she was madly in love with my brother. Even though at that time we all knew he had this complicated thing going on with Alice.
"Oh, she's still alive?" I sounded so bitter.
"She's been asking about you."
I never liked her. "I don't want to be anywhere near her."
"You're mean."
I turned my attention back to the pages of Vogue. "So, can I go or not?"
He put down his coffee and checked on his phone. "I think you should stay at home today." He said. I wasn't surprised. If I were him, I didn't trust me either. This shit took time and patience.
I huffed, but didn't argue. "Okay."
Blood. A lot of blood. Dark red stained my skin, flowing from my arms to the tip of my fingers. A pool beneath my bare feet. I was hugging my body, hoping it would stop the bleeding. It didn't. Ache all over my body. I was so exhausted. Was I dying? I could barely stand straight. Right now I leaned to the wall, blinking slowly. My head felt light. I didn't think I could still be conscious for another minute.
Black shadows were approaching. All of a sudden, I was surrounded and cornered. I couldn't see anything but their sadistic smile. They were coming to hurt me.
I coughed so much blood. It was terrifying. My body felt weaker. I was falling onto the ground. Dark red all over me. Almost as if I was sunk in it. My eyes were getting heavier. But before they were fully closed, I saw dead bodies lying around, pale and cold. I recognized the faces. They were Mom, Dad and Jasper.
Edward was standing not far from them. Blood in hands, looking at me in eye with a sinister smile.
I screamed.
I shot up from my sleep screaming. The nightmares kept coming, attacking me in the night. The horror images were replayed in my head. I put a hand over my chest, a useless attempt to slow down the heartbeats. I was sweaty and agitated. I felt like I was going insane.
"Are you okay?"
I startled at the voice, making me accidentally drop an empty glass from the bedside table. It was shattered into pieces on the floor.
Edward was leaning against my door which I didn't even realize was opened before. He was wearing a t-shirt and pajama pants, sleepy hair and frown.
"Can I come in?" he asked again.
"It's your house." I chuckled nervously.
He was hesitant at first. As if he didn't want to be in the same room with me. But he stepped into the room anyway and switched on the light. "Nightmare again?"
"What do you mean by again?"
"You were screaming almost every night." Of course, he heard it. His room was across mine.
I laughed bitterly. "This city always gives me anxiety."
A pause before he said. "Want to smoke outside?"
It was chilly, but it didn't stop us. He lit his cig while I already had mine.
It wasn't the first time.
This scene reminded me of so many early morning smokes after a long tiring fight. It was already complicated from the start, me and him. The age gap between us actually made everything worse.
I was young and immature, clingy and easily jealous while Edward was older, cool and just not giving a damn. He was always drawing attention everywhere he'd go. And that shit never failed to make me insecure.
He took a long drag, staring blankly. Maybe he was remembering the same thing.
No one said anything for another five minutes. We were sunk into our own thoughts.
"Feel better?" he said finally.
I didn't see the point of being honest with him, but I shook my head anyway.
He blew a ring of smoke. He didn't know what to say and I didn't try to make small talk either. We were just sitting here, smoking, stargazing and shit. It was just so quiet. Hundreds of what ifs were playing in my head.
"Where do you want to go tomorrow?" he asked after a while.
I smiled even though it didn't reach my eyes. He didn't see what was coming to him.
"That place we were always going."
"What place?" he pretended he didn't know. But he was a bad liar.
"That small coffee shop."
Part of me didn't think he would really take me there. But I put with my midi flowy dress on. Hair in a messy bun, cat-eyed sunglasses over my head. He was downstairs in the sitting room, probably contemplating if this was good idea.
"Ready?" I said on my last step of the stairs. Maybe I seemed too eager because then he looked at me in wonder.
It was only ten minute drive. The coffee shop was small and cornered. Not many people came or even knew this place. It was hidden. A secret between us.
Edward parked his car in front. It was deserted. Like it always was. That was why I loved it in the first place. No customer inside. The barista smiled up to us when we walked in. As if we were the first ones today.
I looked around, taking everything in. There was a change here and there, but what did I expect in ten years?
"What do you want to order?"
It was involuntary, but it had been the first question he always asked back then.
I grinned when he tried to hide his surprise.
"The usual."
He went over to place an order while I sat on our spot. The trip back to the memories was slowly giving me a headache. In his head, he was probably guessing my motives. Because most of the time, I was difficult. Now we were suddenly sitting together like we just had reached an amicable settlement.
A green tea milkshake in front me, and a black coffee for him. Our order every time we were here. He sipped quietly. Eyes on me the whole time.
I was about to remind him what we had back then. Even though it was also making me insane in the process.
"The first time you brought me here, it was ugly." I stated.
He blinked slowly before his lips turned into a smirk. He couldn't help it. "You hit a girl in the room full of people."
I leaned on my chair. "She deserved it."
"Everyone thought you were crazy." He shook his head.
"I didn't care. She kissed you." A spontaneous answer. It made me mad, revisiting the old feelings.
He chuckled. "You never cared about anything. It was always do now, think later."
I tilted my head, looking at him right in the eye. "Don't you love me for it?"