Author's Note:
Hello, everyone! I'm back! So, I was up all night writing this fic because inspiration struck. I hope you all like it!
It's basically my interpretation of what could have happened in episode 4x12 if Riley had found Mac, confronted him, prompting him to act like he had actually defected. (I know 4x12 is old news by now, but meh, whatever. This is fanfiction; there's no deadlines or late entries.)
Although this fic can be read as a standalone piece, it's actually sort of a continuation of my first ever MacGyver fic, called "I'm not givin' up, givin' up, not me (Even when nobody else believes)". It was an introspective look at Riley, and what she might have been thinking during that scene in the war room when Matty announced Mac had gone rogue. So, if you haven't yet, please read that first because this one includes references from there. You'll have more fun that way. ;)
Anyway, please read and review. Would love to know what you guys think!
Tumblr: moodypetrichorlove
Title courtesy: Bad Liar / Imagine Dragons
Riley is fortunate no one noticed her sneaking out of Phoenix in the middle of a manhunt for their best agent. She is also lucky that she is the damn good hacker that she is otherwise locating Mac would have been a serious chore. And it is extremely convenient that when she arrives, she finds Mac loitering outside the facility, looking somewhat lost, and without company. Which means she can talk to him with some semblance of privacy intact. She does not think she has a lot of time, because anyone from the opposing side could turn up any moment, but she is not going to look a gift horse in the mouth. She is seriously thanking her stars right now.
She starts walking to him at a brisk pace, the heels of her boots alerting him to her presence, prompting him to turn around. She finds it weird that he didn't notice her arrival courtesy of the sound of her car, but her boots tapping on the floor. But then again, he does look preoccupied. As he should be.
The first thing she notices when he turns around is the subtle jolt that passes through his body, like he is shocked to see her there. Then he straightens up, both literally and figuratively, and the expression on his face is one Riley has trouble reading. Maybe because she hasn't ever seen it there before? And so she figures out he's going to put up a fight. Try to act aloof and distant, try to push her away.
Before the first words can even tumble out of his mouth, enveloped in the coolness of a crisp and impersonal tone, she has already come to the conclusion that she is going to have to endure his harshness because deep down, she knows it to be a charade.
"You followed me here. All alone, without any backup. Are you really that desperate?" He asks, as if making a mockery of her feelings in that moment.
For you, yes, she thinks, but the words don't quite make it out of her mouth. They're stuck inside her throat, stifling her, and the pressure makes her eyes water up. But she steels herself, like the man in front of her, because she doesn't want him to see her cry, especially since it'll be over him. Any other time, she would be fine with Mac seeing her be vulnerable, but this Mac isn't her Mac. This is somebody else. Or, at least he wants everyone to believe it's someone else; a changed Mac – and not for the better.
This is a Mac desperately trying to make her believe he has defected. That everything that has ever happened in his life has led him here; all the pain and ache he has ever felt in his heart has chipped away at all the goodness that resided in him, that was the essence of Mac, and left him in a state of perpetual darkness – pitch black night sky all around him, no shadows, not even a sliver of light. This is a Mac who truly believes there is something wretched inside of him; she doesn't blame him for entertaining that thought, what with all the recent revelations about his mother and aunt. But as she stands there looking at Mac, him staring back with cold eyes, she thinks – only for a minute, though – she will most definitely blame him if he actually does do what Codex wants. And a minute is all it takes for her to gather all the sweltering anger that has been intensifying inside of her since the universe decided to bring Mac's father back to him only to just as swiftly take him away (permanently this time) and let it swell into a big red ball of rage.
She does not explode, does not let the rage take over yet, because she knows him, and she knows he's putting up a façade. She can see behind his disconcertingly cold and baleful eyes a blue-eyed, little boy who's soft and warm and scared to lose any more than he already has in his relatively short life. She can see a man, almost broken by life and time, exhausted in his bones, circling the edge of the abyss. Just then, a shudder drives down her entire body because she allows her mind to wander and it shows her an image of a Mac so completely broken down by life, he gives into the darkness he thinks is his hereditary right, one which he has been gifted by the universe. He seems dangerous. He also looks glorious in the wicked blackness, like he's way too good at being bad, because that's just how Mac is. He's good at everything. So, it figures he'd be the best at being the worst, too. The Mac in Riley's mind looks like he could burn the world down if he wanted to.
The image soon dissolves into nothingness and she can hear the real deal speaking in front of her, but Riley finds she isn't really listening. She takes a deep breath, then, and tunes in halfway during his speech.
"…you need to leave. There's nothing for you here."
Ouch, that one hurt. She's sure it's because she does not, in any way, consider him "nothing". He's anything but.
"It's breaking my heart to see you like this, you know," she sighs.
"Like what? My real, true self?"
"No, the exact opposite, actually."
"You know nothi-"
She yells, cutting him off, "Who are you kidding, man?! I do know, okay? I know you and this isn't you!" She softens her tone a little then, reins in her emotions, and goes on, "This is a weak cocoon you've built around yourself to protect your heart from any further tragedies life might want to throw your way. And you and I both know that's only one more way to guarantee yourself a boatload of lifelong ache, Mac. You might not have had a smooth, normal relationship with your father, but I know it hurt you to lose him. I know it still does. And I'm sorry your aunt decided to show up uninvited after all these years only to drop this big-ass bomb in your lap and ruin whatever memory of your mother you had left. It's not fair at all; trust me, I'm pissed that life hasn't been fair to you most of the time. I really am. But what you're doing? It isn't right."
"Oh yeah? And how do you figure that?" He sneers at her.
"I know that because it's not you. It's not like the Mac I've known these past four years."
"Then maybe you don't know me at all."
"Maybe... Or maybe I do. Which is why you're trying extra hard to keep up with this façade for me, to convince me you've defected. But you and I both know it's not working, Mac."
"Oh, I see what's happening here. You think you know me too well, the best even. You live with this crazy notion that I trust you and think so highly of you, that you're so important to me I've let you see all that I am." He pauses, lips slowly curving into a vindictive smile that almost tears Riley apart, feels like shattered glass in her hands, the edges of it sharp enough to draw blood.
And then he decides to press those edges further deep into the palms of her soft hands when he says, "Rookie mistake, Riles," and she can't help but think if he says her name like that – like he hates it – one more time, she'll start hating it, too.
She feels like she's on the precipice, about to fall over, close to breaking down (it's shocking how quickly she's been brought to the edge, but then, perhaps this is what happens when you feel like you're about to lose someone you love immensely), and yet she recalls her decision to steel herself. The promise she had made to herself not to give up on Mac echoing in her mind and cementing her will even more soundly than before.
"Yeah, well, it's your fault for making me feel that way," she chokes out, because… well, because it really is his fault. Him and his stupid blue eyes, gorgeous face, sunshine smile (which she hasn't seen enough of this year), and blonde hair, but most of all it's due to his ability to make her smile, to make her open up when she doesn't want to even though she should, his tendency to read her more aptly than others, and the sincere way he has sneaked his way into her heart over the four years she's known him.
Mac's eyes widen infinitesimally, face paling for a fleeting second at her claim; to Riley, honestly, he looks a little blown away. She's lucky to have known him and worked with him in close proximity or she doesn't doubt she would have totally missed both cues. It's sort of astounding how in tune to Mac she has been feeling since Russ brought Phoenix back to life.
However the stubborn, self-sacrificing idiot swiftly gets back into character and does not say anything in reply to that, choosing to blankly stare at her instead for a couple of moments. Then he so abruptly yet smoothly states, "You're wasting your time. I'm not the guy you used to know."
That's when she realises: to deal with this unemotional seeming Mac she needs to really toughen up herself and ignore the hurt she might cause him. She thinks maybe she should dole out some tough love, some harsh truths, that kind of shit. So she does just that and continues the conversation. She knows what she's about to say may hurt him quite a lot, but he's leaving her no choice.
"So, you want me to believe that the guy who couldn't stomach letting just one person die to save numerous others, multiple times, is now totally okay with killing a quarter of the population to save the rest? You're telling me Charlie and Lasky don't haunt you and accuse you of murder every other night?"
Fists clenched tight enough to cause his nails to bite into his skin, he gets right in her face, his own ablaze with fury, and growls out, "You really should leave now. Codex doesn't take kindly to guests overstaying their welcome, especially unwanted ones."
The vehemence with which he is lashing out at her tells her she has hit a nerve, that he is not as unemotional as he has been trying to come across as. This up close, with their noses almost touching and his breath coming out in furious puffs, she can see all of the emotions in his eyes. Oh, how his eyes tell tales of sorrow and anguish, loneliness and misery, and every little bit of hope he's been able to treasure in between all the hurricanes. Right now, though, the most dominant emotion in them is his anger, his fury. Riley knows all of that fury comes from a place of absolute fear of loss. Suddenly she finds her hand cupping his cheek then and she does not know, or care really, how it's happened. If she had known she probably would have tried to stop herself from touching him. But her hand is there now and Mac is involuntarily, rather naturally leaning into the touch, and it warms her to the core to see his anger abating. It makes her hate herself all the more for saying what she says next, no matter how gentle her voice is, how much it pains her to say it.
"Alright, but you should know, Mac, that if I leave now, you and I are never going to be the same ever again. If I walk away, you will have officially lost me."
And she's proven right; at her whisper Mac's eyes fill with a chilling fear which spreads to his whole face and brings tears to his eyes. She feels an immeasurable need to soothe him and the only way she knows how is to take her hurtful words back. She's about to open her mouth to do just that when the sound of a throat clearing behind him breaks their bubble.
The fear in Mac's eyes increases tenfold, and this time the anger is back as well.
She still doesn't break eye contact with him, in fear of losing out on whatever progress she has made with him. However, the presence looming behind Mac has quite possibly ruined it all. Mac reaches up to take her hand and the gentleness with which he removes it off his face brings the tears she has kept at bay to finally leave Riley's eyes and is enough to tell her he is not lost to her. He's in there, her Mac. The Phoenix's Mac.
He turns around just as the person behind him asks, tone full of suspicion, "What's going on here, Angus?"
It's Aunt Gwen, Riley realises. As she shifts her glance from the ground and up, she gets a glimpse of Gwen's long blonde hair, tied in a ponytail, slightly swaying from side to side thanks to the breeze. She also sees the edges of her big, black spectacles, but for some reason she can't see her face properly. Mac's body is blocking her view. So, Riley goes to move around Mac when her mind catches up to its own thought process and she halts her movements - Mac's body is blocking her view.
He is shielding her from Gwen's view.
Gwen who is Codex. The enemy.
This man who up until a few minutes ago was hell-bent on making her believe he had corrupted, and went so far as to imply she meant nothing to him, is now trying to protect her, literally becoming the armour around her.
Her heart starts thud thud thudding in her heaving chest and her whole body seems to breathe a sigh of relief because even when Mac's seemingly siding with the bad guys, he still cannot bring himself to let Riley be harmed.
Right then she doesn't even care what Mac and Gwen are saying. All she knows is that Mac is playing a part. He is still the good guy. He is not Codex now and will never be Codex in the future. It is possible she doesn't have all the pieces to this puzzle yet, but she trusts him, believes in him. Willingly. Unflinchingly. She vows to help him with whatever crazy plan he has concocted.
She knows then.
She knows that, as cliché and cheesy as it sounds, she would follow this man to the ends of the earth.