Chapter 4

Xenna awoke the next morning, doing a mental recap of everything that had happened the previous day. She realized that so much had changed that summing up would be a better option. She had found another Jedi, she and Nirah were safe, and now they were on a new planet that was mostly untouched by the Empire. For the first time in five years, there was no feeling of weight on her chest. Her lungs filled easily and her head was free from any hint of headache.

Nirah slept across the room from her, tucked under one of Cal's apparently numerous ponchos. Xenna was only half surprised to find one cast over herself as well, despite not having fallen asleep with it on. She cast a look about the room, but found that the ship was still in the peaceful silence of sleep. She seemed to be the only one up. This was not entirely surprising as Xenna was often awake and moving long before Nirah had dragged herself out of her hopefully pleasant dreams.

Standing up and stretching, Xenna looked through to the cockpit windows and saw that the sun had not yet stretched over the horizon but was instead distantly painting the sky in gentle pastels. Casting a glance back at the calm ship, Xenna decided to take a stroll. She would have left a note, but felt her own eagerness driving her outside. She was grateful that Nirah could have slept through a hail storm when the hatch door opened. The last thing she wanted at this moment was the boisterous interruption of her sister. For just this moment, she wanted some peace.

Heading outside, Xenna hooked her lightsaber to her belt. She doubted she would need it, but was not about to throw all caution to the wind. The wind, which felt cool enough to brace her, seemed to beckon her onward. She set off along the grassy plains at a casual jog, bounding from one outcropping of rocks to another. All the while, she enjoyed the feel of her body moving without the adrenaline of running away, or the stress of protecting Nirah. In the elements alone, Xenna felt the Force reach out to her and carry her mind to a point of serenity she had not been able to reach in some time.

Coming upon a rather large canyon, she felt her inner voice dare her. She jumped the distance with ease, her own spirit seeming to carry her across. It felt so freeing to fly where she wanted without tethers that she found her own voice was cheering her on. She laughed as she ran up walls, jumped from rocky ledge to ledge, and balanced on swooping tree branches. Her boldness returning, she even found herself looking for challenges. She was not out to kill any of the more threatening wildlife she had glimpsed along the way, but instead wanted to push her boundaries on risky jumps. She could see the sun starting to peek its head into the sky and found its warmth only added to her joy.

Standing on the edge of a cliff—one no one could jump from and survive—she found herself arrested by the sight. Her breath was hard and fast, but not full of the weariness she was used to. She was free.

Spreading her arms out as if to embrace the sun, she let the morning begin and cast its rays on her. The wind tugged at her braided hair, offering more fun if she continued onward, but her gaze drifted back in the direction of the Mantis. She doubted her absence could go unnoticed for much longer and turned her feet back towards the ship.

She used this time to catch her breath and shake out any of the left-over stiffness in her limbs from sleeping on the curved sofa. She had slept on worse, but that did not mean it was the height of comfort. She took her time, walking around the ditches and canyons she had so eagerly leaped across. She talked to the Butter Newts that boldly would pop up from behind rocks to see her. She reconnected with her surroundings. It was through this that she decided to take one more stolen moment for herself.

She found a pleasantly flat rock, overlooking a valley of trees below, and settled herself in to meditate. Before she had closed her eyes, however, she felt another presence near her.

"Did you have a nice run?" Cal asked, walking through the grass that grew up to his knees. His hair shone even redder in the morning light and his smile was still easy from sleep.

Blushing, Xenna returned the smile. "You caught me. I just so rarely get time to myself."

Cal held up his hands in surrender. "Hey, I'm not arguing. Am I interrupting?"

The concern that pinched his brows made Xenna swallow her honest reply of "yes" and instead answer by gesturing to a spot beside her. He happily took it, matching her pose and looking out at the rising sun.

"I'm not the best meditator," he said as if in warning. "My connection to the Force is better than it was, but by no means easy."

Xenna nodded. "I used to have problems, too. After Master Swan died, I thought I would never be able to feel the Force again. I hadn't shut myself off so much as lost the path."

"What changed?" He seemed genuinely curious and Xenna wondered how someone as clearly skilled as Cal could still feel lacking.

"Nirah," she answered simply. "Beyond needing to find a moment of quiet whenever possible," Cal laughed at this, "I felt our connection the moment she was born. Her parents handed this tiny being to me and called me her sister. If I could be bound to someone just because they were born, then I could be connected to anything."

Cal took a moment to absorb this, watching in comfortable silence as the sun continued its lazy trek into the sky. "I guess I'm just missing that connection."

Xenna frowned. "Not necessarily. Here," she turned her tone to one of instruction, "come into the grass, lay back, and put your palms flat to the ground."

Cal, a smirk tugging at his lips, quietly complied, lying flat on his back beside Xenna. He let his hands press to the soil below him.

"Close your eyes and breathe," Xenna continued. "Feel the heat of the sun on your skin, the breeze moving your hair, the sound of the grass swaying around us, the coolness of the ground."

He tried to center his mind, taking the time to examine each of the sensations she described.

"Now, let your breath expand out. Feel your senses stretch beyond yourself. See if you can feel how the sun warms the rocks and how the dew drips from the grass into the ground. See if you can feel the worms beneath us as they tunnel through the soil."

Cal scrunched his eyes, having more difficulty with this one. He felt the darkness of his mind closing in.

"What do you feel?" she asked, drawing him away from his struggle.

"The energy is everywhere. It's like a big, blinding light."

"All right. Make it into a smaller light. Focus on one thing at a time."

Cal took another breath. "There's an ant crawling on the rock. It's like it leaves a trail of dust behind it."

Xenna smiled at his less than certain answers. She knew this sounded childish, but it was the best way she could think of. "That's the Force. Every living thing leaves imprints of themselves on every object and person they come into contact with. The rock may not be alive, but the planet it is a part of is, and the beings who have stood on it were, too. Everything is connected through the Force. There is nothing in the galaxy that is not bound together by the Force."

"I have the ability to see through those connections," Cal explained. "It's kind of rare, but I have Psychometry, which allows me to experience moments through the Force."

Xenna raised her eyebrows. "That's…impressive. If you can do that, how come you feel like you can't meditate?"

Cal shrugged before realizing their eyes were closed. "I don't know. I think when I turn off my mind in meditation, it wanders to places it shouldn't go."

"Like where?"

There was a pause before he whispered, "the Purge." Xenna immediately understood.

"Mine…still does that. But I think it's important to remember. To know what our masters sacrificed so that we could live."

Cal cheated and looked at her. "If you feel that way, why not try to help more people?"

He watched her brow pinch. "Because I made a promise to protect Nirah. She is my priority."

Cal was beginning to suspect as Cere did that not everything Xenna claimed to believe was the whole truth. She did want to protect Nirah, but that was not the only reason she ran from helping more people. He decided that the easiest way to get Xenna to open up was to do the same, himself. He was not generally one to share his more private fears, but he knew that sometimes friendship meant taking a leap of faith.

"I blamed myself for what happened to Master Tapal. I was afraid that I had failed him. By going into hiding, by trying to help fight, everything I did felt like it was not enough. No matter what I did or who I saved; it would never bring him back or make up for my failure."

Xenna looked at Cal in quiet shock for a long moment. She had not expected this from him. She was not sure how to respond, knowing that words would only go so far in helping someone to heal. Nirah's assurances that she was fine would not fully convince Xenna that the girl was not mentally scarred from all she had been through.

"I've always been afraid to take risks," Xenna admitted. "I didn't feel guilty for Master Swan's death so much as I did for not being able to do more for her. She died protecting me because I was not strong enough to help her. I worry over Nirah because I don't know if I can save her forever. She gets into trouble and is reckless, but I love that about her. She dares to be bold, whereas I'm not even strong enough to ask for help on the simplest of things."

Cal reached over and took her hand in his. The physical connection seemed to shock through them both. Xenna felt that this was more powerful than anything he could have said to her. She felt more confident than any words could every have inspired her to be. She wove her fingers between his as though her life depended on it. A tear slid down her cheek at the feeling of companionship.

You are not alone, their bond spoke.

After a few moments of their emotional recovery, Cal reached out with the Force to see if their joined openness would help him sense further, but instead, he found himself being pulled back. His physical connection through Xenna's hand kept bringing him back to her. He found himself feeling her pulse, not just through his skin, but through the Force.

"I can hear your heartbeat," he murmured. "And your lungs breathing."

Xenna was surprised that he had chosen to search through her, rather than the great expanses beyond them. She turned to look at him, his eyes once more closed, face serenely pointed to the sky.

"I can sense your joy at being here; at being safe." To this he smiled. Xenna looked at the pleasant curves of his profile. "You feel freer here, like you can be more yourself." Cal seemed to relax as she had on her morning run. She was noting the way his hair fell back from his face and drifted gently like slow flames. "I can sense your love for your sister. It's like this giant wave crashing through you all the time."

"Love does that. It makes you feel like you can do anything, but you have to be careful that you don't forget how to fall. Every Nirah is in trouble, I feel like I'm going to die from worry. Every time she is happy, it feels like the sun is shining just on me. It's a dangerous thing."

"I remember Master Yoda telling us that. He said that it can rule you if you are not careful; that it can lead to fear."

Xenna did not need him to tell her what fear led to. All Jedi had that lesson drilled into their minds from a young age. Possession could cause jealousy, attachment could led to fear of loss. Yet Xenna had been given someone to look after. Would a Jedi Master not fear for the fate of their apprentice? Had her own master not given up her life for Xenna?

Cal watched as Xenna stood, her form highlighted in the morning sunlight. He knew what she struggled with. He fought the battle in himself every day. Cere had said that it was what made him strong. To fight the temptation of the Dark Side was to be a Jedi, but Xenna wondered if she did not want all of the limitations of being a Jedi. She simply wanted to be her best self. She saw what the Order stood for as being neither wholly good nor bad.

Everything he had done since leaving Bracca was a sort of testament that he could continue the path his master had set him on. Xenna made her own path, but in doing so felt lost.

"Xenna," he offered, "you don't have to fight it alone."

The words seemed to physically stun her. She turned to look at him, shock written in her wide eyes. She stared into his eyes and saw that he meant it. He would help her, if she helped him do the same. For once, Xenna was not out against the world by herself. She had someone besides her sister to rely on if she opened herself up to the possibility.

The smile that touched her lips was genuine and tentative. It looked like she could not fully commit to it, but was not about to stop it, either. She held out her hand to help Cal stand up and wait in silence with him. Their connection through touch was back and Xenna could feel his hope and optimism burning in his heart. It was a beautiful thing and she wondered if he could light the fire in her own.

"It would seem I'm going to be owing you some favors," she said with a grin.

Cal shrugged it off. "Just don't give up, and we'll be even."

Xenna hid her further vulnerability by looking back at the Mantis. "I guess we should go see how everyone is doing," she sighed. "I'm sure Nirah will want to tell you more stories about our adventures."

"Well, if she doesn't, I've got a couple of my own."

Letting go of his hand, Xenna walked back to the ship with Cal in companionable silence.