"Blind Sided"

~Jasmine-Fields-1979~

I Disclaim: I do not own the copyrights or trademarks of the respective authors, artists, and television programming of any Manga or Anime. Please note, with respect, that the images I use are clipped from open source images discovered on the Internet, with exception to photos pertaining to my own image and any business branding about my employers past and present.

Chapter 4

Mei almost cried.

Instead, she swallowed the lump forming at the base of her throat and bit back the worst of tears. The words tumbled out wrong.

Again.

And now, she was alone, at the park sitting on a bench at dusk wondering what to do on her day off from the bakery. She had looked forward to a time that her thoughts would finally turn into the speech she had rehearsed, without a mirror or compact nearby, multiple times. Mei had been formulating a truthful response to Yamato's deepest desire: to be close to her. These were the moments before Yamato found them a bench. She really wanted to accommodate having him in her life. And now, she was contemplating her life without the small comfort he generally offered while in classes together.

Her brow furrowed and frown deepened.

She told herself repeatedly that she didn't need Yamato, but this did not mean she preferred him to go away – especially with messy thoughts now knocking around and churning inside her head. Her desire was to have a quiet forthcoming conversation about their relationship in a positive way.

It started out so wrong. And now he initiated his own departure.

"You're sort of creeping me out."

Even as the words fell out of her mouth, she knew it stung Yamato.

When had she decided he was finally worthy of trust and friendship? When had she become so disdainfully calloused toward people in general? When had she started to judge and weigh the worth and value of other people?

Mei's heart was bitter with the loss of so many, many things: lost people, lost opportunity, the loss of her life's work. Her dreams were reduced to luxuries and then death of – there was so, so very much of it lingering in her mind. It was burdensome, sitting like a heavy weight on her chest. Her thoughts took a brighter turn when Yamato sat next to her in classes. Inevitably, he would ask questions to close the sound of silence between them. And she had been comfortable allowing the quiet to pass between them.

When would the lump in her throat dissipate?

She was glad to let the chirping songs of birds in treetops and the breeze blowing in whispers to soothe her. Autumn was in the air and she really wanted to make things right before university break.

Mei was chicken shit when it came to the enrichment of any good friendship, she thought terribly.

Bad at lying – at least to herself – Mei revisited Yamato's strange behavior earlier in the evening. She had thought herself honest, but the way he looked at her had been so bright and his eyes were so warm and glowing brown. Amiable and listening.

He was curious with positive expectation, she thought.

But then the expression on his face shifted, melting into more than friendly inquisition and invitation to talk. It scared her. A lot.

And now she was contemplating what to do next – besides apologize.

The inside of her lips twitched with anxiousness. Her heart thumped once. Twice. Then a third time as she released her fears and came to her senses to logically think through what needed to be done in order to repair the relationship with Yamato. She knew him. Knew what every ticking muscle meant. Even though Yamato never yelled at or abused her, she knew it was a matter of civil courtesy and part of what he valued in their friendship. He never minced words with her.

Mei had crossed an unspoken unvoiced boundary. And he had taken her slip of the tongue personally.

Was she a part of Yamato's life? She instantly answered the internal monologue.

He was normally generous with his social life and inner circle of friendships. He allowed her space to come to him and gave her time to sort through all her emotional turmoil. Yamato grounded her thoughts with his own.

She counted to ten backwards then began her walk back home. She didn't feel so well.

So, where was the biggest flaw in their friendship?

Somehow, she knew a challenge had been issued and a demand from Yamato had been made.

They had exchanged heated words.

And it was for something she didn't think or feel she had the right to give to him. She esteemed him. Above all people and caring about his future above her own, she thought Yamato had the right to know how much she believed in him. Mei didn't know much about real love, but continually considered the consequences of a future with him. She wanted to fight at his backside and take out his fiercest enemies. She would be willing to give up her mind for him, if it had to ever happen, in order to protect all the things and people he adored. Which she hoped that thought would never be tested. But still. It could happen.

It could…

Yamato had a way of forcing her to understand his stance on something, even if there was a quietness to his voice. He was not a passive person. She would not take that for granted. Ever.

She knew that the sex would be wild and fabulous but did not want to base her relationship by giving him what she still attempted to understand, herself. Mei also did not want the sex to be dynamite and have him lose quick interest in her. That is only part of the reason she distanced herself from Yamato or really anyone who demonstrated interest in her or found her appeal charming.

Supposing she could generally handle herself to say no – because she had tons of practice in various social outings at the military academy – was an easy task. With the men making lewd pressuring passes toward her or any woman that showed up (the men didn't seem picky at all) for the occasional drink, a wink and blowing a kiss was the real only expectation before most couples went home with each other. She had grown a reputation for loving fun but simultaneously being a prude with the men. Even the women had a difficult time believing how often she spat out 'no' when flattering conversations or pick-up lines didn't work to lead anywhere near a bedroom or hotel.

Mei wanted to tell Yamato everything. The only limit she had were academy secrets she was sworn to uphold. If nothing else Mei admitted that she was many things to a variety of people. Sometimes culture accepted her decision making; many cultures; however, did not accept her wit or clever industry as a woman.

Honor, though, if nothing else, had become her super-power. It drove her even when she made mistakes. It kept her alive and pissed a lot of people off. But she didn't care, because she knew about the secrets that pushed her to new levels of integrity daily.

She was a citizen of her country and had a hand in shaping policy – even if indirectly – and this caused friction. Diplomats could not dictate to her. And that, frequently, was a benefit to having a woman without privilege or governing power (in most foreign nations) to present her cause as the national cause. Yamato, however, was no diplomat. He was a foreigner in her country, although she assumed that he was an actual citizen himself.

The blitzkrieg in her mind warned her to slow all those bottled up emotions from her military academy days into solving the dissonance between Yamato and herself.

So, what was the biggest flaw in their friendship?

As she walked, the clouds darkened. Without much thought, she considered that she had a real decision to make. And that it could not wait.

Pacing herself more quickly, she stayed on the sidewalks that were lit by streetlamps. Her apartment was a quick fifteen-minute walk from the park. She knew where she was and yet Mei's skin crawled at the thought of keeping Yamato to wait with their dispute. The sounds of cars honking in the distance drew her attention away from Yamato for a long moment.

She picked up her phone and dialed his number as soon as her key went into the lock on her door. Her apology was rushed but sincere. And she never thought twice about the message she left on voicemail. Until he didn't answer the phone after several attempts in a month's time, to let him know that she was sorry. Mei wasn't certain, because they met eyes several times and acknowledged each other, but was Yamato ignoring her?

She hadn't known that Yamato's sister was holding the phone any of those times she called. She had not known that her voice messages were getting deleted.

*~~~oOo~~~*