Chapter Sixteen: The Parenthood
Padmé set on the edge of the bed. Looking out towards the viewport of her bedroom on the destroyer. Her hands were loosely clasped in her lap. The door to the bedroom was open. Sounds of laughter were heard from the living area. The sounds of children's laughter.
There was only a wall separating her from her children. The two were in the next room over playing. Laughing. They had been here for two days now. Vader had retrieved Luke first since Tatooine was closer to Naboo. She first saw her boy while he slept. She sat on the floor next his bed throughout the night. Her hand very lightly stroking the blonde hair. He had grown up to look so much like his father.
Padmé had then been left alone with her son as Vader left to go to Alderaan to get Leia. Luke, though a bit shy, was very happy at meeting his mother. His big blue eyes were always on her sparkling with curiosity and love. She felt very awkward as she played with the boy. She wasn't sure if she was doing anything right, but Luke only smiled at her the whole day.
Padmé had fallen asleep on the sofa in the living room that night. She woke to Vader gently waking her telling her that Leia was here as well. She went into the twins' rooms. It was right next to the living room, accessed through the hallway leading off the living area. Generally the hallway had been blocked off with a locked door, but now the door was open.
The room was big with the signature gray walls. A small bed was tucked into both of the back corners. A large plush green rug stretched between the two beds. The soft bed sheets matched the rug in accompanying blues and greens. A small circular child-sized table sat in the middle of the room with small chairs. On Luke's side of the room sat a large two-person sized cushioned chair. It would be perfect for a parent and child to snuggle up in together. On Leia's side was a trunk filled with toys. One the walls were colorful paintings of scenery that reminded Padmé of Naboo.
Padmé couldn't believe Vader had put this room together. Especially comparing it to the harsh empty rooms next door. There was a certain tenderness and consideration. A certain love. As Pamde made her way over to the small sleeping form of her daughter, she glanced back over at Vader. He stood a few paces behind her watching with a smile on his face. Padmé's eyes quickly found his, but they were not yellow. They were blue.
Over the next two days she never saw Vader's eyes yellow when he was around the children. In fact Vader didn't feel like Vader. He felt like Anakin, especially with those blue eyes. He was unbelievably kind and caring towards the children. He acted like a father. He set boundaries and rules for the two, but was never harsh. He played games with them and made the two laugh.
"Padmé?"
Vader's voice brought her out of her thoughts. Yet she didn't look over at him as she heard him approach.
"Padmé?" he called again as he walked over to her. She slouched over, letting her long curls fall off her shoulders and on to her lap. "What are you doing in here?" She still didn't answer. "Our children are in the next room." Silence. "Padmé, come now. What is going on?"
He put a hand on her shoulder and gently pushed her back so she sat upright. She finally looked up at him. His eyes were blue but streaked with yellow.
"What's troubling you?" he asked. "It looks like you barely want to be around your children."
At first she thought his voice was filled with concern, but by the end it felt like annoyance.
"I don't think I can," she said softly looking away from him.
"Don't think you can what?"
"Be their mother."
"And why do you think that? You are their mother."
"That's not the same as being their mother. Someone who helps them grow up healthy and happy." She paused and looked down at her lap. "I'm a horrible mother."
Vader let out a sigh. "You're not a horrible mother."
"Really your past words have spoken differently," she said glaring back up at him.
"I have never said that." He was getting annoyed.
"Isn't it due to my mistakes I've kept our children apart from each other and their parents?" Padmé clearly recalled his harsh words from the viewing room in the detention block as he held her against the glass to watch the nine members of her crew be shot. "Isn't that what you meant then? What you actually thought? How dare I be such a horrible mother?"
Vader's eyes were completely yellow now. He turned away from her and paced towards the viewport. He stood there for a moment before he turned and approached her. "I was wrong," he said.
She just stared at him until she finally remembered how to move her mouth and tongue to create words. "You were wrong?"
"I'm not infallible, Padmé!" His hands were clenched at his sides. "Yes I said those things. But I was angry. Hurt. Betrayed. I wanted you to feel the same pain I felt."
"I already felt all of that!" she said jumping off the bed to stand on her feet.
Vader crossed his arms across his chest. "I did not mean for you to second guess yourself about motherhood. You are not a horrible mother."
"Oh really? What kind of mother am I then? I purposely let my one-year babies be separated clear across the galaxy so their mother could go off on some doomed crusade." He didn't respond. "I wasted four years of my life! Of their lives! For what? What good did I actually accomplish? Democracy is no closer to be restored as the empire is no closer to falling. More people died because of me than were helped! You were right."
She slumped and slid to the floor. Her back was against the side of the bed. "You were right," she repeated as buried her head into her hands and drew her knees to her chest. "None of this would have happened if it weren't for me being a damn fool."
She kept her head into her hands and closed her eyes. She didn't want to look at him. She could imagine the smug smile that was playing across his lips as he finally got the admission that he been wanting and hunting for all along. She didn't need to see him savor his victory. She felt him sit next to her. His legs came to rest on either side of her as he pulled her towards his chest. She didn't fight it, but kept her head in her hands.
"Padmé," his voice was very soft. Concerned. Soothing. "Padmé." One hand was combing through her curls. "You're not a horrible mother. Sure you've made mistakes, but you can't let those mistakes consume you. I can't do this alone. I need you. They need you. They need their mother."
"How can you do it?" she mumbled into her hands. "How are you so good at being a father?"
She felt a small laugh escape him. "You really think I'm being a good father?" She thought back to the twin's bedroom. Recalled all the interactions she had witnessed between him and the twins. "In truth I am simply doing the best I can do. It's the only thing you can do as well."
She brought her hands down, but still didn't want to look at him. "I just don't know how you handle it when they look at you like a stranger, because you are a stranger. And it breaks your heart, because you love them so unconditionally and so much. Yet, they don't even know you. They're scared of you. Hesitant. And then your daughter asks when is she going back to real parents. And . . ." She finally looked up at him. His face was etched in deep concern. His eyes were blue.
"And this isn't what I wanted," she continued. "Maybe I was naive in thinking everything would be fine when I had the children back. We would be a family like nothing had ever happened. As if we weren't strangers to each other. But it was never my intention that Bail adopt Leia as his own daughter! I asked him to watch over her for me. What was he thinking? What was he going to do when I asked for my daughter back?
"And what happened to Obi-Wan?" she continued ignoring the sharp intake of air from Vader. "He was the one suppose to watch over Luke on Tatooine. Not just shrug him off on the Lars! Why wasn't he there?"
She leaned into him and buried her face into his chest. "Oh Anakin," she said unaware of the name she used. "This isn't what I wanted at all."
The two were silent. The only sound was their breathing. He hugged her tighter and for the first time in weeks she allowed herself to relax. To truly relax and be comforted. She found the ache inside of her lessening.
His voice finally broke the silence. "My angel. I'm trying to make it right. We're all together now. Yes the children see us as strangers, and they'll keep doing so if you keep avoiding them. All we can do is show them love, and it'll get better."
She only meekly nodded. The two stayed like that for a while longer, before Vader unwrapped himself and helped her up. Her lead her back in the living room where Luke and Leia sat on the floor in front of the viewport. A selection of toys were scattered around. The two were engaged in some make believe game using some small toy animals.
As the two parents approached, both twins stopped and stared at them. Leia's uncertain gaze brought a small flicker of pain to Padmé's heart. The girl wore a light blue dress, the closest color to white she had to choose from in the clothes Vader had prepared. Vader wouldn't allow her to wear the white dress she had come in. He told the girl it was dirty, but Padmé suspected he had it thrown away. He didn't want his daughter clinging on to her old life. Luke's face on the other hand lit up with joy. Unlike his sister, he had accepted his newfound parents a lot easier.
There was a moment of slight tension in the room as the children and parents both waited for the other party to be the first to say something. It was Vader who broke the tension with a wide smile. "I see you've moved on to another game. Perhaps I can play too? Mother can join us as well. As you can see, she's done resting."
Both sets of eyes went to Padmé. She gave them a weak smile and followed Vader's lead to sit on the floor next to the children. Luke handed both Vader and Padmé a small toy animal.
"You can be the momma and you can be the papa," Luke said doling out the roles. "We can be the babies!"
"And what is it that the momma and the papa should be doing?" Vader asked. His voice warm. Luke paused and looked over at Leia. He was trying to include his sister's voice in the game. Leia only looked down at her lap. Padmé fought back a frown that wanted to form at the obvious discomfort coming from the girl.
"They should make a nest for the babies to sleep in," Luke said when Leia didn't provide a prompt.
Padmé found it easier to be around the twins as the day went on. Her heart flooded with warmth when she was able to make them both laugh. That night before the two went to bed, Padmé sat on Leia's bed. The twins sat on either side of her while Padmé held and read a storybook. Luke was absolutely amazed by physical books, having only seen holonovels before. He loved to be the one to turn the pages.
Once the children were put to bed, Padmé silently closed the door of their room. Vader had excused himself after dinner claiming he had work to do. He was still gone. Padmé glanced down the hallway. She knew Vader's office was down there. She wondered where the other doors lead to. However, she found herself not in the mood at the moment. Instead she made her way to her bed.
Her mind was going in circles about her thoughts, her worries, and Vader's words. She especially thought back to the conversation the two had had earlier. It was unlike any conversation she had with Vader. Before all their conversations seemed to verbal battles. It was filled with Vader's smug arrogance and threats. Yet this conversation held none of that. In fact Vader had been sincere and comforting. He offered solid advice.
He actually seemed to care. Honestly cared about Padmé. Which wasn't like Vader at all. Vader saw her as a possession. Something to manipulate and mold into his desired object. He didn't care for her mental well being. He was the constant cause of her anguish and tears. He didn't care how much he hurt her, as long as he got what he wanted in the end. So to see this change in character in him . . . with those blue eyes . . . and the way he acted around the children.
Was Anakin Skywalker gone?