Summary:
A look at what some important players are thinking of each other in their new "bigger" family. Later, things get a little tense between Carol and Daryl. Scars are bared. Newfound strength is found. A little something steamy happens. Oh, and a haircut.
Carl was having a blast with Sophia and Beth. They were laying on pillows in the family room and watching "Finding Nemo" with Judith. Sophia was determined to teach Judith to say "fishy", all the while making fish lips at the little girl who would squeal with delight. He knew he was lucky – he had two kids who book-ended him in age who were more than happy to hang out with him and his sister. They even had popcorn courtesy of Eric and Aaron. Judith was picking up pieces, licking the salt and butter off them then throwing them up in the air. He had made the mistake of saying "ishy"and now Judith was confused between "ishy" and "fishy" - saying one when she was trying to say the other.
He knew what had happened to Sophia with her dad – at least sorta. He knew the general nature of it. He understood it more than he wished he did. After his run in with Joe's gang right before Terminus, the nature of sexual assault had become way too real for him. He didn't talk to her about it of course. He also didn't treat her any differently than he would have treated any other kid roughly his same age. He hoped that one day they would be close enough friends that if she wanted to talk to him about it she could. He knew if she did that he would also talk to her about what happened with him.
Beth had been the dutiful "older sister" to him for a while now. After his youthful crush on her at the prison faded, he realized that he was lucky to have her as a confidant. He also knew that Sophia could open up to Beth and face no judgment. Both girls were easy to talk to and even though he didn't have any boys around Alexandria his age, he didn't miss having guy friends. Girls were nicer in this world. Maybe they were before too, but he couldn't really remember.
"Ishy Fishy!" Judith shrieked. He got caught up in the fun and started making fish lips at Judith just like Sophia and now Beth were doing. He was aware of Michonne and his dad watching them. He couldn't help but notice how they looked at each other sometimes. His life since his mom died at the prison had been largely surrounded by mother, aunt and sister stand-ins. Michonne, Maggie, Rosita, Tara, Beth, Sasha – they were all great. Again he knew he was lucky. However, he could not help but wish in his heart that Michonne would move past the "best friend" role she played with him and his dad into a wife and mother role in their family. He knew Judith would already see her as her mother. She was all she had known really as the constant. He could not remember clearly what a mother would feel like in the "normal world". For that he was sorry. Sophia had a great mother, and he hoped he would be able to talk to her about that sometime. Maybe it would help him remember more about his mom. He didn't talk a whole lot to his dad about her. He was too worried it would make him sad.
"Judith, fishy kissy" said Beth. Judith tried hard to pucker up her little mouth into fish lips, but succeeded instead to give Beth a juicy drool filled kiss instead. That just made them laugh harder.
Sophia was having more fun than she had had in a long time. Maybe even ever. Because honestly, she had been having more fun than she could remember. Life with Ed had been woefully short of fun. Her and her mom had had a lot of fun together when he was gone on "business trips" frequently; but neither one of them had allowed other people into that fun world. It was just the two of them – afraid of what Ed would do if he found out that other people had been around them. For Sophia it was weird to think that the world had to go all crazy for her to have friends. She also knew she should feel bad or feel SOMETHING (maybe guilt) about being finally able to have so much fun simply BECAUSE Ed was gone. She worried that maybe she was broken or wrong inside that she didn't care one whit about Ed (she refused to think of him as dad) or what happened to him. As long as he stayed gone, he could rot in his prison or die. It mattered not one bit to her. She wondered a lot in the past couple of days though if it mattered to her mom. Would it be easier if Ed was dead? STOP IT. She would not spoil the fun she was having with thoughts of HIM. She turned back to Judith and started giving her more popcorn to throw. She was aware of her mom watching her – smiling. What she would not give for more of those smiles. Maybe now with these new people. Her new family – especially Daryl, she would smile more. Deep down in her heart she was hoping they would fall in love so she could really be Dar-D.D- her true daddy's daughter.
Carol knew that she probably looked somewhat delirious with all the smiles she was showing. Honestly, they were real. She felt free. She was enjoying herself with her new friends . . . family. In the short time she had known them, they had become more family to her and Sophia than Ed ever had been. Especially Daryl. He cared so selflessly for them. She could already see that. He had put himself out there to protect her and her little girl. He had offered himself up as a father figure for Sophia without one hesitation. She could tell that the sentiment was genuine. She had seen enough pseudo father behavior from Ed in public. She knew this was more. She appreciated it. She was so damn grateful for it. She knew Sophia was already accepting it and would continue to thrive on it. The rest of the group had similarly made themselves open to her and her daughter. They would not hesitate to continue to make things easier for her. Beyond that, she knew they would all help her and Sophia to survive this world not just through their protection, but would arm them in so many ways to allow them to start protecting themselves. How did the end of the world equate to her happiness? Good Lord – that was such odd thought. She knew Sophia thought it too though.
Daryl stayed beside Carol all evening while keeping a watchful eye on Sophia. It had not taken the two of them long to start to really relax and be comfortable with his group. This group was all the family he had after Merle. They had shown him more acceptance, kindness, and understanding than he thought he had ever deserved. He was proud that they were the kind of people that opened their hearts so generously to the two girls he was quickly thinking of as 'his'. Shit – was that wrong to 'claim' them like that? He wanted to be there for them in every way. To teach them how to survive in this world, to teach them how to live with hope rather than just fear. This family of his had taught him what hope and love was all about, and he was certain that if he could bypass his own anxieties, he could ease theirs. He felt a tad guilty knowing he was falling for Carol. There was no way she would ever want him. Right?
Maggie and Eric had cooked up quite a feast for them. Eric had made his "serious spaghetti" while Maggie had bartered with Olivia for some real garlic and made some buttery garlic bread. Now with the food being gone he was not ready for this night to end. He had to do something so they all would stay together and keep having fun. So he did something he had never done before. He took a woman by the hand (his woman?) and asked Carol if she wanted to go sit with the kids in the living room by the fireplace. Romance was not in his mind, but he could not help but see Glenn's eyebrow raise at his gesture. When Carol looked over at Sophia, he gave a quick signal to Glenn that he hoped he got. He obviously did, because Glenn grabbed Maggie's hand and suggested that they all follow suit and gather around the living room for another movie.
An hour and a half later, Judith had been carried upstairs after falling asleep with her head in Carol's lap. Carl, Beth and Sophia had garnered permission to take out the sleeping bags and have a movie marathon/camp out in the living room. He knew that Beth was a little old to be hanging out with Carl and Sophia, but the young woman looked happier than she had in a long time. He thought that maybe tonight had given her an excuse to be just a teen again rather than the responsible woman who played a vital role in the group's survival. He knew that her actions in getting them out of Terminus weighed on her – but through conversations, he listened as she explained to him that at that moment it had been "her job to do – that they all had jobs to do." She accepted it after an emotional couple of weeks and had moved on. He was proud of her for what she had done with the skills he had personally taught her. After a couple of weeks here in Alexandria, she had seemed to easily slide back into her chronological age; allowing herself to have simple kid fun again.
Carol was hesitant to allow Sophia to be away from her tonight for the sleep over. When she voiced her concerns to Daryl, all he had to do was tell her to look at her daughter right now. She looked. Sophia was so happy. She did not want to take her away from this moment. Glenn stepped in and assured Carol that he and Maggie would hang out in the kitchen tonight until the kids passed out. Tara then offered to sit with them through the night so Carol would know Sophia was safe. She knew that in the 'real world' these concerns would probably be classified as hysterical. She knew that Ed was locked up and that her new family would do everything to keep her safe. So, with a final look to Daryl who nodded his assurance, Carol relented.
She went over and talked to Sophia and made sure she was ok with everything. She was. So at the end of the night, when it was time to reluctantly say good night, it was just her and Daryl walking home to her house. She supposed it was their house now. The thought that she now shared her home with Daryl made her instantly feel secure. She could not help but feel a little giddy at the thought that she was now walking home with such a wonderful man. Such a handsome man. What was she thinking! She blushed at where her thoughts briefly took her, but then decided not to dwell on it. She walked into the house side by side with Daryl. For the first time since she got to Alexandria, she felt like she had a home.
Daryl walked with Carol side by side back to the two story house that her and Sophia lived in. That he lived in. Christ. He had never lived with a woman before – whether they were together or not. Even in the prison and on the road he had never bedded down with anybody. He had always reserved that time for himself. There had been plenty of women at the prison who had made it known that they would have been happy to bunk with him – or just to share his bed for an hour. He had never even considered doing that though. Nobody had made him care enough for them where he would have considered it. Now, all he could think about is where he was gonna sleep. Since Ed had been evacuated from the premises, he had made due in Carol's big chair or on the couch. There was a spare room with a bed, but he was reluctant to claim that for himself. This was still her home. He was a guest no matter if they were family or strangers, or no matter what Deanna had to say. In all ways he knew he would wait to be invited into her home before he made it his. Until then, he would keep things as they were – making due.
He had caught the fleeting glances by Glenn. He knew what they meant. They were full of questions. They were full of hope. They were full of dirty thoughts. He wasn't going to lie to himself or Glenn or anybody who asked; even though they didn't ask out loud. He thought Carol was a beautiful woman. Even before the turn he would have thought that. Even if she didn't need protecting, training, or comfort, he knew he would have looked at her more than twice. He may have been a bit slow on the uptake, but nothing was slow about his awareness of her.
He had also caught the idolization flicker in Sophia's eyes – both just for him and for the two of them together. He couldn't blame the girl for wishing she had another father. He would be that father for her even if he spent the rest of his days alone with no woman. He also knew there was more to it.
Glenn had made the fact that he noticed as well obvious with his eye gestures, head nods, and whatever else the man had thrown at him. Sophia wanted him. Sophia wanted him and Carol. Sophia wanted them together. She wanted her mama happy. She wanted her mama happy with him. Daryl also had more than a sneaking suspicion that Sophia had made her thoughts known to Glenn – who she had latched onto just as quickly as she had Daryl and Tara. He had in the course of a couple of days become her confidant for all things non-protection. He wondered if Sophia even realized just how bad ass of a protective force Glenn was as well.
As they walked through the door, Carol turned to him all of a sudden. She had hope in her eyes that was hooded a bit by reluctance.
"I don't want this day to end" she said. "This is the first time that Sophia and I have had a whole day full of happiness with others around. It's late, but I don't want it to end. Stupid huh?"
"That ain't stupid" Daryl assured her. "It's just wantin'. Wantin' something ya ain't had – something that makes ya happy ain't stupid. I used to want the same thing growing up. Never had it, but never stopped wantin' it."
"Did you get your wish?" she asked.
Daryl breathed for a moment just looking at her. Since the turn, he had slowly shucked his anxiety over himself in most areas. Being with his new family had made him stronger in himself. Before the turn, he wouldn't have the courage to have this conversation. He was still reluctant, but knew that she needed to talk. She needed to know there were others in her situation, and that they had lived on.
"Getting there". He said. "Before the turn, the only family I had was my brother Merle. Mama died, and my daddy was a son of a bitch who I wished was dead. Wasn't till the world went to shit that I was accepted by others. Until then I never even thought I could be accepted by others given how I am."
"How you are?" she asked confused. "You are a great man Daryl. How could you think that they not accept you?"
"Wasn't always the man you see here. Sometimes I still ain't. I know you know all about pretending things are good when they really aren't. Growing up, there wasn't even any use pretending. Things were shit, and they stayed that way in one way or another. Rick, Glenn, all the others; they made things less shitty. They accepted me even though I was NOT a good man. I done things I wasn't proud of Carol."
"I know about regret Daryl. Tonight when I was with everybody, I decided that I never wanted to regret anything I did again."
"Not regretting is a good start. It's the hardest. Forgetting about your scars is another matter."
She blanched at the mention of scars. Her eyes all of a sudden jumped away from his and wouldn't meet his gaze. He realized his words were not the right thing to say and quickly stepped in to remedy it.
"I don't mean the physical scars Carol."
She looked at him questioningly.
"I know what scars you got. The ones on your body are there – ain't never going away. The ones on your soul, on who makes you who you are; those can fade though. My scars are still out there – I don't let anybody see 'em. But the ones that weren't on my skin? I'm still working on getting rid of those."
He knew she didn't understand what he meant. He also knew he had to have a reason to show her his. Had to make it right in his own head so he didn't think she would run away. He had an idea that had been creeping at the back of his head ever since he woke up to her brushing his hair back from his eyes when she woke him up in the chair in her room. "Can you cut hair?"
He knew he had made the right call when he saw a smile tug at Carol's mouth. Despite her claims that she hadn't cut anybody's hair but Ed's, Sophia's and her own, he let her know that he trusted her.
"Tired of Tara and Glenn making bets on when I am gonna break down and cut it off" he said as he pulled a chair into the kitchen and grabbed a towel off the dryer. "Please?"
The please is what did it. She smiled and went and got a pair of scissors, a spray bottle of water, and a comb. He plopped in the chair waiting for her to ask the question. He knew she would, and he also knew that he needed her to ask it. To be the one to suggest it.
"Take off your shirt Daryl. With this much hair being cut, you are going to itch like crazy if it gets caught up in your clothes."
He stood up. Nodding. Trying hard not to blush or flinch. He steadied himself to reveal to her his torso of scars. He knew if he did, she would understand a bit more. It didn't mean he was comfortable with his shirt off. He just knew it was necessary – for both of them. He slowly unbuttoned his shirt, waiting until the silence between them dragged on a moment before undoing the last button. He shucked off his shirt, then took her hand gently and gave it to her. She tossed it on the counter and waited for him to sit back down – trying not to stare at his toned chest and arms. He didn't sit down. Instead, he slowly turned around, bearing his back for her to see. She made a soft whimpering noise when she saw the purplish silver lines on his back. She knew. He waited a beat before sitting down. When her hand finally steadied enough to wrap the towel around him, he gently took her hand in his.
"I know about scars woman. Inside, outside, they look and feel the same. It's the outside ones that are hardest to show, but the inside ones that are hardest to heal." He then took her hand and placed it on his ruined shoulder blade. Forcing her not to ignore them. Forcing her to see them, feel them, and know them.
She didn't flinch again – just softly ghosted her hands over them. Then shakily went back to the towel tying. It took a moment, but she finally whispered "I get it. Thank you". She then proceeded to cut his hair back to a length he had not seen since before the turn.
He stood up when she was done, and went in search of a mirror. He looked at himself. Hair short, shirt off. He didn't recognize himself at first. He saw in his reflection how he looked before the turn with the exception of his scruff. He knew he wasn't that man any more though. He had found a fraction of inner peace that had not been there then. He noticed that she had walked up behind him. He turned around and looked at her quizzically.
"I can see your eyes" she said. "Much better."
He didn't think. Just acted. He went over to her and put his hand lightly on her cheek – lifting her chin slightly to point up to look at him. "I see yours too" he said. "I see a light that wasn't in 'em before. You are a strong woman Carol. Stronger than you think. You went through shit that nobody should ever be put through. You came out on this side of the shit storm, and you are stronger. By the time I am done with you you will be even stronger. That light will get brighter. Things will be different – easier in some ways, harder in others. I will be here for all of it. For you and Soph. Always. As a friend, as a father figure, as anything. I ain't gonna be the man that treats you like you ain't beautiful. Cuz you are."
He didn't say anything more. Just said what needed to be said and slowly walked a few paces away. He started to put on his shirt again. Prepared for whatever guard duty would make her relax enough to sleep tonight.
"Stop right there Dixon!" Her tone was one he had not heard out of her mouth before. "If you know scars so well, know that you can't cover yours up to me. Not right now anyways. Don't cover yours if you want me to uncover mine." With that said that and left the room to stand in the hall.
What the fuck did she mean by her uncovering hers, he wondered. Her next words didn't give him an answer either – just made him wonder more.
"Get in the shower and wash all the hair out. It will itch something fierce if you don't." She left the hall and left him wondering.
The shower started up in the bathroom as Carol closed herself in the master bedroom. She started to wipe away the tears that were forming – berating herself for her thoughts. It's too soon she told herself. It's wrong. It will screw everything up. She thought back to what Daryl said about being stronger. Without any more second guessing her self, she grabbed a towel and walked back to the door to the bathroom. Her hand froze on the knob. Froze with fear, with trepidation, with anxiety. She pushed it all back and embraced her new found hope and opened the door.