Here's a one shot I wrote in June. Another cross post from AO3. I post this here now because I've been working on a multichapter sequel to this. I will include the original notes.
Gee has this idea transformed into its own monster. Last week I had the idea of writing out a few headcanons about Sai that were meant to be separated from the journal, which is also the reason why I haven't updated.
It is still coming btw, I just wanted it to write this out first. This fic had started out as a few ramblings, so I personally had problems with structure. Luckily, I found my way through and made a cohesive story.
Hope you enjoy, and as always, comments and criticism is welcome here
If you ever asked Ino if she got what she wanted in life, then you would receive a yes and a no.
She was now as happy as she could be, newly married to who she would've called a literal dream years ago. A gorgeous man willing to walk to the ends of the Earth for her.
But that happiness was derived from pain and loss. She would never be able to share that happiness with her father, and she now shared the burdens of her husband, who had lost more than anyone else she knew.
But that didn't make her love him any less.
Sai was a far cry from the young man she met. Over the years he had learned more and more about the bonds and emotions he had lost, many things she taught him first hand, and she couldn't be more proud of his progress.
He was once empty, but now it was her job to fill him with as much love and care she could muster. And that's what she found herself doing, seated beside him and resting her head against his left shoulder as he was immersed in a new sketch. This time it was a pot of primroses he had gathered from the shop below him. She secretly hoped it was a gift for her, as he would occasionally drop his pencil to awkwardly stroke at her head.
Observing his quiet focus made her reflect on her marriage so far. It had only been a month since their wedding, so she had yet to come down completely from cloud nine and she was sure that Sai was feeling something similar. Although it might be starkly different from hers. It didn't take that long for them to marry either. They still had a lot of time ahead of them, and Ino was delighted to discover more about her enigmatic love.
Part of her joy came from observing common quirks that only a wife could. Like how he was so meticulously organized with his supplies but still fumbled with arrangements in the shop. Or how he'd gently stroke her face when he had to work early, not attentive enough to realize that she was only feigning sleep.
The amount of love she had for her new husband was immeasurable , but with the discovery of these cute habits only came the realization of darker secrets.
Sai was unresponsive at times.
When she would call out to him and would receive nothing but silence in return. It wasn't as if he was ignoring her, he was simply far into the depths of his own mind.
She then tried to gently repeat her call. And if that didn't work, her volume would increase, tone sharp and direct. That would usually do the trick and her husband's head would snap towards her, indicating that she now had his full attention. He'd give a soft hum of inquiry, then his eyes would shamefully cast downward as it dawned upon him that he had done it again.
Ino knew that this was a common occurrence of those in her field of work, especially those who have seen war. There were times when she felt as if father's guidance was needed more than ever, like on days when the responsibility of leading her clan had weighed most on her. But Sai wasn't like most shinobi, something that she was reminded of every day. He had made leaps and bounds with his ability to express himself, but there were some things that couldn't be improved with just awareness and lessons on sociality.
Just like how his fingers would flex and he would grasp at air in moments of silence as if they yearned for something to feel secure. Her left hand would gladly supplement the presence of his brush when he needed it most. In private she would allow him to let his itching fingers run through her long bright blond hair, rubbing the ends of strands between the pads of his thumb and index finger until he was content. His hands would then begin to wander to other parts of her body, desire beginning to cloud his mind and slowly overtake him until he wrapped her up into it.
Ino could hardly articulate how wonderful it felt for him to be able to physically love her. It seemed so long ago when he'd freeze up any time she touched him, but now he was capable of proving to her that his natural instincts were that of any man. She adored nights of tangled limbs and resting on his still heaving chest that took it's time to settle into a steady rhythm as he drifted into a blissful and dreamless slumber.
Without the exhaustion and comfort that came from sex, Sai was probably the most restless sleeper imaginable. The smallest rustle or bump in the night would force him awake, as if alerted to a nearby enemy. It was a stark contrast from how she slept on missions as a genin, among two of the heaviest sleepers in the entire world. But even then, she felt that neither her or her boys could sleep as soundly as they used to. Unrest and insomnia were another common trait for experienced shinobi, which tended to be spurred on by night terrors.
The first one she experienced with him was shortly after he moved in with her, frightened awake at the feeling of arms constricting her body and hands grasping brutishly at the fabric of her night shirt. The loud air-starved noise her throat produced was enough to yank him from his subconscious, jerking away from her. Ino couldn't see Sai's hunched form sitting on the edge of the bed that clearly in the dark, but she could very well hear his slightly ragged breathing tear through the silence. He was too far from her to reach with a soft call, frozen in place with his head in his hands. As desperate as she was to reach out to him, she knew that she had to be cautious when dealing with him in this state. Testing the waters, she placed a hand on his shoulder. She felt a shiver coarse through his body upon the contact, so she gave him time to get used to the touch. She gradually added to that, scooting her body over to him so that she sat behind him, legs dangling off the bed encompassing his. She waited once more until his breathing settled before she fully took the plunge, resting her chest on his sweat soaked back and wrapping her arms around his torso.
After that incident, Sai had admitted to her that these dreams had become common shortly after their mission in the Land of Silence, serving as another hangoff from Gengo. Ino could never forgive that man for taking advantage of her Sai like that and even a year later he is still experiencing effects from his influence. The same could be said about Danzo, who's authority still had her husband within its grasp even in death. She believed that the more in touch with his emotion Sai became, the more likely his sense of duty were to weigh on him like this, only to lead to more nightmares.
Ino wasn't sure how often Sai experienced them, but she knew that it was difficult for him to return to sleep, as she often awoke to him intently staring at her or even missing from bed completely. The panic that settled into her chest would quickly be dispersed when she felt his presence still within their walls. It had become a routine of hers to search for him and use all of her power of suggestion to get him back into bed.
The worst kind of nights were when soft words and kisses were simply not enough and he pleaded for her to return to bed alone that night.
As much as she worried for his well being, there were selfish reasons behind her insistence. She realized early on that she couldn't sleep soundly without him beside her and it had only comforted her further when he had assured her in his own way that she was "imperative in improving his sleep practices since they began their courtship."
Crowds were also a struggle for him. This was something she learned after attending weddings attached by the hand. Upon arrival, his body tensed beside her and his eyes darted around as if surveying the area for possible threats. It couldn't be helped when they suddenly became the center of attention. A quick squeeze of the hand would direct his eyes down to her and the glance she cast that was meant to keep him cemented in the atmosphere. With that, he would relax into a comfortable vigilance for the rest of the event as he partook in festivities. They would later find a secluded place to exist frozen in time while the rest of the world persisted. It seemed as if his introverted nature had only complemented her extroverted status in times like that.
Not everyone could understand this, though. The prospect of marrying Sai came at the cost of angering her clan's elders. After the mysterious fate of Fuu had been revealed to her clan, they immediately dismissed the idea of their next patriarch being another member of Danzo's ranks. But for all she was concerned, she was marrying Sai whether they liked it or not. Luckily for her, the entire Ino-Shika-Cho trio had all decided their betrothed to be from beyond the realm of tradition, In a political sense, the Yamanaka clan elders couldn't complain about foriegn affairs like the Nara and Akimichi clan, making Sai the lesser of three evils in this case. They accepted the union only on the condition that they regulate his responsibilities as the newly dubbed patriarch. He accepted this condition with no question, and Ino was concerned to find him reading through every little stipulation with a critical eye.
"It is not that I am finding a reason to oppose marriage. I simply want to satisfy them so I can make you happy."
She wanted to argue that it didn't matter what the elders thought of them, but she was too moved by his determination to appease her that she didn't dare complain.
But alas this couldn't ease her worries over what came next.
The baby.
There wasn't a physical baby in question, but there would be soon enough.
She was the clan's matriarch just as she was its leader, which meant her responsibility was the same as it had always been. She had to produce an heir to continue her bloodline along with all of the values and traditions that she had been granted by her father. It would seem strange to any woman to just accept the decision of becoming a mother made well in advance, but it wasn't just for the sake of her family. She wanted this as well, and the idea of raising a child with Sai made her heart race.
But she still wasn't sure how Sai really felt about it all. She had been abundantly clear about this back when they had started dating, as she was already sure that the man would be the father of her children. But Sai was an objective man who was raised on the value of having a purpose to serve, and she was afraid that he took this as another objective, which was confirmed by his statement.
"I vow to uphold this responsibility."
She still hadn't gathered the courage to have that conversation yet. To properly tell him that raising a child was more than just another task to complete. There was emotional value that came alongside the immense responsibility and hardships, and Sai had to be ready to adapt to that, especially when it was barreling toward them with every passing day. She could allow him to look through books when the time came like he always did, but a good wife would at least try to give some perspective for him in a way he could understand.
It seemed like now was as good a time as any, when they were both sitting around in a blissful silence like this. Oh how she hated to break up a moment to bring up something awkward, but it had to be mentioned or she would never get her peace.
"Darling."
The word seemed almost accidental, as it came out only a little bit above a whisper
She was dreadfully wrong to expect a non committed response from him, as he directed his head away from his sketchpad to look down at her, the lightest flicker of worry lining his features.
"Is everything alright? A soft voice from you usually means there is something wrong."
She hated when he figured her out so easily. What happened to that clueless man she married?
"Is it so out of the ordinary for me to be nice to you?" She shifted her gaze to the wall. Her eyes narrowed, but she was unable to focus on anything in particular. "You must think I'm a monster or something."
She waited for his hastened apology for misunderstanding, but was surprised to find him still staring at her when she pulled her eyes back up to him.
She clicked her tongue when he didn't respond in the way she wanted. She wasn't going to be able to avoid this any longer. She huffed out a sigh.
"It's about the baby."
"You want to conceive now?" His response was so immediate it was almost as if he had it on standby. The bubble of laughter that escaped her lips caught her off-guard.
There it was. The quickfire statement that was capable of ruining any conversation. It was almost as if that answer actually comforted her.
She swatted his shoulder, laughter dying down. "Of course not, you lech!" She returned to her previous position leaned against his shoulder. "You know it's still too soon for that. We all have to meet about that, remember?"
His attention was then brought back to his drawing with a hum of agreement. That wasn't able to conceal the blush that found its way to his cheeks, she noticed. Changing the topic to sex would be a good way to end the conversation, but no. She had to ask him.
"How do you feel about all of this?"
He pondered for a moment, looking down at his drawing as if there was something wrong with it. A crooked line or a misplaced shadow.
"I promised you I would uphold your obligation."
"Sai, that's no-"
"But I am still unsure if I have what it takes to be a father." He interrupted her, unaware that he had just bewildered her.
"From the knowledge I've attained. Successfully raising a child means meeting their emotional needs along with their physical needs. It isn't just about helping them survive, it's also about giving them support and guidance as they develop into a person. It seems so complicated, but it's supposed to be natural."
Ino stared in awe at his ramblings. He really did understand.
His obsidian eyes suddenly targeted her, startling her from her stupor.
"I don't know how I can do that for a child the way that I am. I hardly have the instincts of a normal person, let alone a father. I don't have many positive childhood experiences to pass onto a child. But I will try my hardest."
"Sai…" Ino was left speechless and sputtering. Sai understood everything. In fact, he held the same issues that she held. The worry drained from her mind, leaving her with pangs of guilt for underestimating him. She wondered where he found his conclusion. Surely no single book would be able to articulate that point to him.
"Naruto has confided me a lot these past few months about Hinata's pregnancy. He is afraid that he won't meet the standards of a good father because of his lack of fatherly figures growing up. I-"
He paused, finally noticing clear eyes focused intently on him, hanging onto every word. Sai centered his head forward to divert himself away from her immense pressure before continuing.
"I also am afraid that I don't have a good reference for fatherly behavior. I'd hate for my child to withstand the same experiences as me, so I did more research and found-"
Her husband halted once more when he heard her sniffle. His head snapped in her direction to find tears clouding her eyes.
"It's okay if that's how you feel." Ino choked on her words, trying to hold her husband in place with her hands on his cheeks. "That's why we have to figure it out together." She struggled to hold back a sob that was only freed when Sai brought a hand up to swipe away her tears.
"Why didn't you tell me about this?!" Her shout was uncontrollable, as now she was wailing into her husband's chest. Ino knew he was probably confused that the conversation took this turn, but she did appreciate that he still tried to sooth her with warm hands running along her back. He patiently waited until her sobs quieted before answering.
"I already promised you and I will try my hardest to fulfill that promise. I didn't think I needed to doubt that."
"What?!" Ino cried incredulously. She jerked away from him to stare him down, making zero attempt to conceal her dripping face. "I'm your WIFE! I'm supposed to know these things so I can help you!" She gripped both of his hands, bringing her knuckles together, voice softening once more.
"I was afraid you didn't fully understand what we are up against." Her eyes dropped down to their conjoined hands.
"I apologize for the misunderstanding. I just want to be ready so I can support you when the time comes. The last thing I wish for is to make you worry about me."
Her face scrunched up into a pout as she unhanded him to wipe at her face. "You idiot, I will always worry about you. And besides, no one can ever be ready for children. The only way this will work is if we are open and honest about this. I'm scared about this too, you know?"
His hands rose in front of his chest in surrender to her will. It was relieving to know that he still knew his place.
"From now on, we will tell each other all of our insecurities about this matter."
Sai blinked, slowly realizing what that entailed.
"E-Everything?"
"Yup, everything. It doesn't matter if you didn't grow up with a father. Not every parent is the same. I think you'll be great." She closed her eyes as she continued. " And if you are really struggling, then I can tell you all about what dad used to do with me."
Ino's chest swelled with pride at that, impressing herself with how well she handled that.
"I would love that!"
Her eyes slipped open to reveal a rather enthusiastic smile blooming on his face. It made her melt to see how far that smile had come. It seemed her influence also affected his charms as well.
He suddenly raised from the sofa before scooping her up into his arms. Ino panicked at the look on his face transformed before her. His eyes lidded into a trademark squint and his one sweet smile became a teeth bearing grin.
"Wh-What do you think you're doing?!" She sputtered. Her panic increased as he had now abandoned the room . He hummed at that as they turned the corner towards their bedroom. Never a good sign.
"I know you said we had to wait, but I figured that we could perhaps get a head start."
"Sai, wait-!"
They would be just fine. She just knew it.