July 2018

It is now 6 pm in Lombok, and everyone gathers for dinner. They're eating white rice, fresh vegetables, fried egg, fried tofu, fried tempe, and because this is Jungwon's first evening here, they also order some chicken satay and goat satay. It feels weird to eat something without kim and kimchi, but all of the food are delicious and the people are so welcoming.

Gyeoul, as usual, doesn't pay much attention to things around her. She just eats her way and only nods or shakes her head when she is asked about anything. She doesn't change much, thought Jungwon. Jungwon longs to have some conversations with her. Do you like the food so much, how have you been, why did you leave Seoul, these are the questions that Jungwon wants to ask. He definitely doesn't want to ask those questions around these strangers. He just has to find the right time to ask her.

It is funny, but not funny to Jungwon, how Gyeoul just appeared out of nowhere after he had accepted that he and Gyeoul were never meant to be something. But now? How should Jungwon interpret this coincidence? Hell, he doesn't understand himself whether this is just a coincidence or something else. God, why do you put me in such a test? He knows that God wouldn't put him in a test that is stronger than him. But Gyeoul has been a hard test for a long time. Why God can't just stop testing him with Jang Gyeoul?

Perhaps, it is more of a closure? But, he had already received his closure when he rejected Gyeoul's declaration of love toward him, didn't he? It is a painful memory for him, even until now. He couldn't sleep for two days after he had rejected her. Is that why God wants him to see Gyeoul again? Because he was not fully sincere in rejecting her seven months ago?

"Doctor Jang, would you mind taking Doctor Ahn sightseeing around here?" asked Doctor Park.

"Why me, Dr. Park? I'm not a native to this island and my Indonesian is rubbish. I'm sure Dr. Ahn prefers to explore with someone who is more knowledgeable."

"Well, I, Debora, and Aamir have some sort of business tonight, Dr. Carter and Mei are on night shift, Made takes a rain check because he's so exhausted, the others have to go to Mosque and Dr. Addison is not more knowledgeable about this island than you are. It's just, we have such a slow day today, that we can finish early. It's not often we have slow and calm today, so it's best to take advantage of the situation by getting to know about the island tonight."

"I'm personally fine with Dr. Jang, Dr. Park. I would like to catch up a bit with her anyway."

"The man says yes, Dr. Jang, and now what about you?"

"Well, it is true that it's not everyday we have a calm day. I guess I can take Dr. Ahn," said Gyeoul quietly.

"Brilliant! Oh, is it okay if you guys walk? I have to use my car and I prefer our pick up truck to be not used for non-emergency situation."

"It's okay, Dr. Park," assured Jungwon.

"It's okay for me too," added Gyeoul.

"Well, it's settled then!"

December 2017

"Professor Ahn Jungwon, may I talk to you privately later tonight?"

Both Jungwon and Gyeoul are in PICU, just finishing their rounds in the morning. It is a very calm morning. Every baby in the room are getting better and better. Baby Jiwoo's urine is getting clearer, while baby Seohyun will be removed to normal ward tomorrow. No one is happier than Jungwon and Gyeoul at the room.

It is December. Gyeoul knows from Professor Ikjun that Professor Ahn will be going to the seminary some time this month. Her little heart already knows that Professor Ahn is indifferent toward her, perhaps even disliking her. He already rejected her request for private dinner for God's sake, when he never rejects anyone! Not to mention the times when he gave her cold shoulders. She just - she just needs a more explicit confirmation of his heart. One word from him tonight will silence her forever.

"Is there a problem, Dr. Jang?"

"I just need to ask you about something private, Professor Ahn. Of course, if you're comfortable," answered Gyeoul.

"How about meeting in my office at 8 PM?"

"I'm fine with it."

"It's settled then."

Both of them can't stop thinking about the impending conversation tonight. Jungwon has a feeling on what this conversation will be about. He doesn't want to think about it though. There is always a small probability that he's wrong. Throughout the day, both Gyeoul and Jungwon work with trepidation, anxiety, and anticipation.

Finally, it's 8 PM. Jungwon and Gyeoul sit across each other inside Jungwon's room.

"I like you, Professor Ahn Jungwon. I like you as a mentor, but I especially like you as a man. I have been feeling this for some time. I don't - I don't mean to interfere in your desire to be a priest. But," Gyeoul pauses a bit before whispering, "I just need to tell you how much I like you."

Only the sound of AC answers here. She can not see Jungwon's reaction as she hangs her head down. If only she had paid attention to Jungwon's face, she would've seen a small flicker in his eyes and how his body stiffened slightly. These cues of course can be interpreted in so many ways, but one thing for sure, Ahn Jungwon is definitely not indifferent toward Jang Gyeoul. Now, if those cues are combined with the fact how Jungwon was so disturbed with the idea of Ikjun having an affair with Gyeoul, how he was secretly worried after she had chased that poor excuse of a father, how he knows her friend and small habit, and how he visited her for a few minutes in after she had fainted, it can only mean one thing.

Alas, Jang Gyeoul does not know any of those things, nor does she pay attention to Jungwon's face.

"Dr. Jang Gyeoul, I'm very thankful that you like me. But I'm sorry as I never see you as more than a mentee. I assure you, it is not because you lack something. As your mentor, I'm glad to see your progress as a doctor. It's just, I have a desire to serve God in deeper way. I can only wish you for the best, and hoping to see you meet someone new."

Jungwon had practiced that speech for a while before she came. He just had to convince her (and himself) that he doesn't like her. His words taste like bitter pill, especially the last sentence. He should be happy in how calm he replies to her, and how his desire to serve God just wins against his interest toward Gyeoul.

Yet he can't find any single trace of joy right now. He can feel a slight tightening in his throat, and how he has to force his mouth to speak those words. God, please give me strength to get through this. Give me fortitude to get through this so I can serve you, God, pleaded Jungwon inside his heart.

"Thank you, Professor Ahn," whispered Gyeoul with a low sob, "I'm sorry for disturbing you. Excuse me."

He never wants to see Jang Gyeoul with sad tears in her eyes, ever again. You're the one who makes her to cry, you bastard, bristled his inner self.

The next time he goes to church, Ahn Jungwon confesses how he lies and hurts a woman with his lie. He can not bring himself to tell what kind of lie he said. Because he doesn't want to think which part of his statement is the one that is not true. Because he doesn't want to linger on his feelings.

Because he has to forget about her, immediately.