Chapter Nine
The following day Lexa found Clarke awake upon her return from the Throne room, and was both pleased for Clarke but anticipating trouble for herself. "You are awake, Clarke, it is very good to see you. How are you feeling?" She approached the foot of the bed and remained standing, unsure how to relate to Clarke now that she was conscious. She suspected that she had now just lost the privilege of intimacy with the woman she loved, there would be no more holding her, bathing her, feeding her, and less and less watching over her.
But Lexa was clearly a slow learner when it came to understanding and anticipating Clarke. Clarke smiled at Lexa, a small friendly smile and patted the bed beside her, a request for Lexa to approach, to join her. Lexa's heart melted, it did cross her mind to wonder if Clarke had secreted a knife under covers but even that was worth the risk to take up this unexpected invitation.
"My people?" Clarke croaked out, as Lexa took a seat at her side. "Are safe in Arcadia, with Coalition defensive forces at their disposal," replied Lexa, her eyes once again searching Clarke's face. "The Coalition?" Clarke began coughing, Lexa leaned forward to identify the contents of the cups on the small tables, searching for and finding water. She scooped Clarke into a slight sitting position and held the cup for her to drink, which she did, her eyes remained connected to Lexa's throughout.
Once Lexa had helped soothe Clarke's coughing fit, she laid her back against her pillows and returned the cup to its place in the line. "The Coalition holds fast and the Thirteenth Clan retains its position," she assured Clarke. Clarke cleared her throat a little this time before attempting to speak, "How long, have I...?" "This is the fifth day since the death of the Ice Queen." Clarke's eyes opened a little wider but she saved her speech for more important business.
"Is there anything I need to know, Heda?" she asked. Now Lexa's eyes opened a little, surprised at the formal title, she supposed it to indicate a return to a professional state of contact between the pair and wondered if she should leave the bed. She had no desire to leave Clarke's side and decided she would wait for such a request before submitting. "My position is secure, the coalition is strong, the Ice Nation has returned to their homeland, the Ice King has assured me of his participation by proxy in the coalition, Skaikru is safe and we, all of our people are at peace, Clarke."
Clarke's blue eyes continue to pierce Lexa's green eyes and they now had been locked into this mutual gaze for some minutes. Lexa was unsure what it meant but was determined to enjoy it for however long it might last, before it would likely be snatched away. "And what about you Lexa, is there anything I should know?" Lexa felt some kind of tension in her chest, like a tight band had suddenly been pulled, her heart began beating and for a moment she thought she might cry.
She wanted to say, I love you. I know I shouldn't but I do. And I am so relieved to find you well, even though it brings an end to the closeness I have shared with you over these last five days. And this is all my fault, the betrayal at Mount Weather, the loss of life there, your unwillingness to go home to Arcadia, your emotional turmoil, your kidnap and subsequent illness - all of it is on me. And I am sorry and I will never stop working to making it right. Never. Whether you let me or not. Instead she said nothing, pursing her lips a little to hold back the words that wanted to come tumbling out of her mouth.
Clarke wrestled a hand free of the covers and found Lexa's knee, she moved her hand a little further up her leg and turned her hand over. Lexa looked at it for a moment, it looked like Clarke wanted Lexa to take her hand and so she did. She held it lightly, feeling the warmth and the softness of her hands, knowing her own would be cold and calloused. Clarke squeezed Lexa's fingers, "Where is the warrior now?" she asked of Lexa, who's breath caught in her throat, and caused her to cough once or twice.
Clarke smiled again, "I guess it falls to me," she said softly and slowly, preparing herself for a little speech, she tried to inch her way up the bed a little and Lexa moved to assist. "Take it easy, Clarke," again she slid her arm underneath Clarke's upper body, taking her weight she moved her up the bed, pulled her pillows up before laying Clarke down upon them and then straightened the bed covers, bringing them right up under Clarke's chin. She had learned certain things about Clarke in five days, and forgot now, in her haste to make Clarke comfortable, to obscure the knowledge she had of Clarke's personal and intimate preferences.
"You have done this before, I think?" Clarke suggested, still watching Lexa keenly. "Just rest Clarke, you have been very unwell, indeed, quite dangerously ill. We can talk later, we have time." Clarke slid her hand out again to Lexa and she took it, she wanted to kiss it, hundreds of times but she refrained, trying to be satisfied with holding it and looking at it. "Lexa?" Clarkes calls her attention away, and Lexa finds the courage to look in her eyes. "I know you have been here, caring for me." Lexa could only give a single nod in acknowledgement, wondering if Clarke found it in bad taste, but she was holding her hand?
"I was awake at times, I remember hearing you talking to me, making me drink?" Again, Lexa nodded. After a long pause, Clarke squeezes Lexa's fingers softly, "I ask again, Lexa, is there anything I should know?" Lexa's mouth opened and words came tumbling out. Apologies, declarations of love, apologies, promises and it all came spilling out, mixed in, jumbled up and accompanied with a few hot tears splashing down onto their hands.
"I know," said Clarke, "I know." Lexa eventually ran out of words, her tears dried up and she realised that her second hand had joined the first, holding Clarke's hand fervently. Having come this far, Lexa raised her eyes to Clarke's and timidly asked, "Is there any hope?" Clarke smiled at Lexa, "I need time, Lexa, but there is hope."
Lexa could hardly believe it, as she breathed out a huge weight lifted from her chest, all of the tension eased. She rolled off the bed and onto her knees and kissed Clarke's hand a great many times, there were no words to convey her deep gratitude to the universe and to this beautiful woman who was somehow able to consistently rise to another level, smashing Lexa's limited expectations.