The walk back to the homestead was a quiet one. Not because there wasn't anything to say - there were so many things for either of them to say, but because both just wanted to appreciate each other's presence again. Have a moment or two where they forgot about what had happened over the year and what had brought them together again. Of course there was still a cloud of tension and awkwardness lingering over them. That wouldn't go away for a long time, but it wasn't as big as it first was.
Steve walked in front of her instead of next to her. Just a few steps ahead of her but enough for her to notice. It was on purpose. It had to be. But to either stop her or him from falling back into old patterns, she didn't know. Though she was grateful for the nice view of his ass. She had missed that ass. He had been working out a lot over the year.
Thankfully, being behind him not only gave her a great view of his ass, but also allowed her to turn over what they had talked about. Or rather yelled about. Nothing really came out after the initial points he wanted to get off his chest. And while it hurt to hear him confirm some of the things she had thought, she took his feelings into consideration as he yelled at her. She knew he was not only upset with her but also extremely hurt. She wasn't denying that she was at fault for that and needed to deal with the consequences.
There was an easy fix for this. A conversation she could have with him about what exactly she had been doing and why she had been doing it. But she didn't want to tell him yet. Not until she was sure and not until she knew it wouldn't hurt him. At least not as much as everything else she had done had hurt him. She knew she was being selfish.
That was just one of many conversations they needed to have. One of the bigger ones, yes, but there was also the one regarding her time spent under the hands of Hydra. Just by the way he looked at her, she could tell he knew what happened to her. Maybe not everything but certainly the bigger stuff. It didn't surprise her that much. What she had gone through caused a very physical change to go hand in hand with the mental one. Though she was a little surprised that he seemed to know almost specifics. Like how his eyes strayed up from her eyes to the temples of her head where they had attached the electrodes for the electroshock therapy almost like he knew what had been placed there. Or how he would absentmindedly rub at his wrists like he was aware of the scarring on her skin and wanted to massage it like he had with her bullet wound. He knew, which made another brick of emotions place itself on the ever growing wall that was being built atop her shoulders. Nerves or guilt or fear or empathy, she wasn't so sure. She just loathed the moment they had to have that conversation as well.
But at least the first one was out of the way. That was the worst one. He had gotten a chance to say (yell) what he wanted to and she let him. And while she should be used to people yelling at her and being disappointed in her - i.e. her family plus her first few years at the SHIELD Academy, she never did like to be on the receiving side of yelling. Especially when it came from someone she loved. But Steve was allowed to be angry and upset and frustrated and sad and she was supposed to stand there and take it. That was her role now. Q could defend herself a little, but he was in the right this time. Both of them knew that. She had a hard road ahead of her, but she was going to try her damndest to make up for everything she had done to him. Them. If anything, her time away from him made her acutely aware of how much she wanted him in her life. Could she live without him? Sure. But she didn't want to. There was a difference. And, at one point, a time where she had that choice. She didn't anymore. She had to work for it, prove it. But there were still a few things she had to take care of first.
As the two walked closer to the house, a pair was crossing over from the farmhouse. Last she had seen, Tony had gone in there alone, but now there was someone else with him. His knee length leather jacket billowed out slightly in the soft wind, a sure giveaway as to who it was - even despite the eye patch he donned.
"Agent Proctor," he greeted her first as the four of them met up in front of Clint's house, "Glad to see you were able to join us from your mission." he covered for her, weirdly, surprisingly. She remembered that he had approached Steve about hunting down the rest of the Hydra operatives that hadn't gone down with the ship(s), but he had declined. Fury had never offered her the opportunity, instead sending her straight to New York. Figuring she would follow Steve wherever he went. But his lie was a little too late. She glanced at Steve out of the corner of her eye, seeing how his jaw clenched at the lie, hating how he was still being lied to. His posture straightened up, hands settling on his hips while he faced off with Fury and Tony.
"I thought we were finished with the lies, Nick." Steve answered curtly. Fury glanced at him with a slightly raised eyebrow before glancing back to Q, who subtly shook her head.
"So guessing you two didn't kiss and make up yet?" Tony butt in, twisting the head of the screwdriver against his palm. Both Steve and Q looked over at him: Steve with an annoyed glare, Q with a blank one. "Great, then you won't mind if I steal him to talk important Avengers things which you have no involvement in, Goines." he referenced the 1995 film 12 Monkeys, clearly taking another jab at her crazed looking state. She didn't respond; there was no point. Steve would do whatever he wanted to do and she had no say in any of it. She had lost that right - along with a lot of other rights, when she left.
Without a glance at her, Steve followed Tony into the house. Leaving her alone with Fury, she instinctively tried to stand up a bit straighter and pushed her hair back behind her shoulders so he could see her face. Despite everything that happened, he was still someone she continually tried to impress. At the reminder, a quick memory of one of the visions the woman with the red glowy hands had made her see resurfaced. Where she had been strapped to the bed in the SHIELD Academy isolation room after acting out again. Where Fury had come in to talk to her, disappointed in her. Was he still disappointed in her? Did she ultimately fail him?
"Ukraine not treating you as well as you hoped, huh, Proctor?" he asked after a moment, giving way to the fact that he had known where she had been the entire time.
"I'm sorry?" she blinked, a bit thrown off by the revelation. Her neurons started to rapid fire, trying to come up with all the different ways that could explain how he knew. Intense enough to make her wince and bring her hand up to rub at her forehead.
"Don't worry, Agent. Your secret is safe with me." Fury brushed off her confusion rather easily, "In fact, you've been quite a help in finding some of those rats." he referenced the offer he gave Steve over a year prior. There was a pause before he continued, "Though I am sorry about what happened to you in Sokovia, Q. I'm sure that must've been difficult to go through." his voice took on a tone of concern and worry. Something she had never heard from him. She tried to give him a strong smile, but it fell flat and she instead found herself absentmindedly picking at her arm.
"Well, don't worry, Director. All of your SHIELD secrets are still safe with me. I did have training for a situation like that after all." she put on a semi-brave face, trying to keep her tone light but Fury's serious expression never left his face.
"I could give less of a damn about that, Proctor. That's not what concerns me. What concerns me is what the hell happened to you and what the hell you've been doing this past year." she fidgeted a bit, eyes glancing away from his face and over to the porch. There was a hole in the planks of the railing - Cooper had tried a skateboard trick that went wrong.
"I thought I was doing the right thing." she mumbled out, having come to the realization that she wasn't a long time ago. He scoffed, as if he agreed that she hadn't done the right thing. Good to know he supported that statement.
"And look how well that worked out for you." he pointed out, hands slipping into his pants' pockets. She winced at his bluntness. But it was true so she couldn't really argue. Instead, she took in a deep breath and pushed her hands through her hair, keeping them atop her head for a moment.
"I don't know how to fix it." she admitted, finally turning to him for advice as she had countless times before. Except this time was different. It wasn't asking what he thought of her approach on a mark or if he could sign off on her mission summary. This was more personal. Before, she never would've done something like this, but SHIELD was no longer which meant he was no longer her boss. Just a mentor.
"Bullshit." he called her out, making her glance back at him, "I know how that head of yours works, Q. I bet you've got fifteen different scenarios goin' on in there." he shifted his weight from one foot to the other, "Guess it's just about picking the right one."
"How do I know which is the right one?" she asked, arms dropping to her sides as he shrugged,
"It's whichever one you choose." he responded as if it were that simple. She sighed, slumping down a bit and ignoring his slight chuckle, "Not everything is black and white, Proctor. Can't figure it out with graphs and charts. And you certainly can't keep running away from it."
"I'm aware." she mumbled out, hating how she had to keep learning the same lesson over and over again. It sucked. But it made her human, right? Something she certainly needed a reminder of after being trapped in the Hydra facility.
"Unfortunately, we also have bigger problems to deal with now." he shifted his weight once again and let out a slightly tired sigh. It reminded her that Fury was actually here. In front of her. And she still didn't know why. If anything, what he said only confirmed that it had nothing to do with her.
"I figured as much." she grimaced a bit at the realization that once again their world was in danger. Would that ever end? Or were they meant to live in a constant state of anxiety about the next looming threat. Then she nodded toward the house, "Dawson found some sort of virus in his ECHOnet." she explained to him why she was there and who she had brought along with her, "Something about tracing the source back to Stark?" she let her voice go up a bit, making her statement into a question since she wasn't very confident in repeating the technological mumbo jumbo Dawson had thrown at her earlier.
"Sounds about right." Fury sighed as he took his hands out of his pockets to place them on his hips, "Stark built a program. Ultron. Tasked to defend the world from whatever else is up there." he gestured to the sky above them, referencing the other worlds that so obviously lingered beyond their own Earth. He stared at the sky for a moment longer than most would. Like he had a memory from up there. In space. "Except it took matters into its own hands. Set itself free and is now wreaking havoc through every available internet database. Intent on destroying the world."
"Fantastic." she deadpanned, already very much over whatever the hell kind of AI Tony had built. Artificial Intelligence freaked her out. And she couldn't really understand it. She knew Dawson had tinkered in the world himself, but his interests pulled him more toward the world of quantum physics and time manipulation. Something she had overheard him and Nat casually discussing in his lab at SHIELD one day - as casually as two could talk about quantum physics, just thinking about the phrase made her brain hurt, "So what do we do about it?"
Instead of answering her verbally, he just turned and walked away from her. Heading off to the house, she followed after him. She caught up to him and fell into step beside him, the sun setting behind them as they went.
"What are you doing here anyway, Fury?" she asked a question that was probably not only on her mind alone. "SHIELD doesn't exist anymore and -"
"And who's fault is that?" he cut her off and met her unamused look with a glance.
"We both had a hand in that, Nick." she reminded him before taking in a breath and continuing, "And it doesn't really seem like your problem."
"Well maybe I don't want the world to be destroyed by some rogue AI program." he quipped out, climbing up the stairs to the house. She followed along, entering back inside with him and shutting the door behind her.
Tony had managed to gather everyone on the first floor of the house - though she briefly wondered where Thor was since she knew he was an Avenger too. Everyone was mainly in the kitchen area; Clint was pulling something out of the oven while Steve was helping Laura place food on an already set table. Nat and Dawson were on opposite sides of the table, diagonal from each other and both stealing glances at each other when the other wasn't looking.
Though at Q's entrance, Nat's eyes flicked over to her instead. Her expression remained stoic and unflinching though by the way her fingers fiddled with the placemat under her plate, Q knew she was aware of the Hydra situation. It made sense that Steve would share that with her; the two probably got closer with the shared trauma of their significant others leaving them.
Tony was getting glasses from a cabinet above the counter while Bruce was carrying over a pitcher of sweet tea to set next to the beers already on the table. Clearly, a family dinner was happening. She just wasn't sure if she was allowed to sit at the table or not. Then, Fury put a hand on the middle of her back, gently pushing her toward the table and silently telling her to take a seat. Better to not make waves by calling more unwanted attention to herself. She already had enough to begin with.
"That's my seat!" a loud, yet little voice shouted, which of course got everyone's attention. Q immediately got out of the chair she had sat in, face heating up in embarrassment as Lila tugged her away from the chair, "You can't sit there." she said rather matter of factly. Q tried not to react to the touch, even though every atom in her body was screaming for her to toss the kid off of her and go wash her skin ten times over.
"I'm...I didn't know." she tried to explain herself, glancing around the room for help. No one offered her any immediate help and Lila couldn't care less, continuing to pull her away from the offending chair. Thankfully, Laura stepped in before her embarrassment rose any further.
"It's alright." she gave her a reassuring smile, reaching to grab her kid from where she was tightly gripping Q's arm. Or as tightly as a child could, "Lila, honey, we're gonna let Agent Proctor sit there tonight, okay?" she didn't quite ask, nor tell her while picking her up and balancing her on one hip, "I'm sure Auntie Nat will let you sit with her…" she glanced over to Nat, who perked up at the title that was so rarely used.
"Only if you paint me something pretty after supper." Nat responded with a knowing smile. A clear inside joke between the younger and elder. Lila bobbed her head in a nod and Laura crossed over the room to hand her over to Nat. Q watched as Lila comfortably settled onto Nat's lap and how weirdly natural Nat looked with a small child in her arms. Like she was made for it. A sharp pain pricked her heart at the reminder of the files she had read on Nat before getting to know her personally, what the Red Room's graduation ceremony was like. No distractions.
Not being able to linger on it for long because everyone else started to sit around the table, Q let her focus shift to the present. Noticing how Steve took a seat on Nat's side of the table, down at the other end of the table and away from Q. He glanced at her and gave her a slight nod, but it did nothing to loosen the knot in her stomach at the fact that he still wanted to be as far away from her as possible.
Maybe she was reading too much into it, but it seemed like battle lines were being drawn. The battle being Steve and Nat against Q and Dawson. And the other Avengers were choosing their sides, instinctively or not. Clint settled on the opposite side of Nat with Laura next to him (Cooper was off playing video games, seemingly very uninterested in his dad's superhero friends) and Tony at the head of the table. Next to Q was Bruce, but she was sure he was unaware of the relationship drama that was brewing. Or at least knew the full story. And Fury sat at the other end of the table like a father surveying his kids. Impartial to any of the drama.
"Don't just stare at each other, eat! Dig in!" Laura broke the semi-tense silence, ever playing the Switzerland of the war. Q could understand her approach; it was already awkward enough having a team of superheroes in your house, no need for more drama.
In her life, Q had sat through a lot of different types of dinners. There were the tense ones that happened when she came home late, strung out on whatever type of drug Spencer had her test for product. There were the angry ones that consisted of her and her father getting into a yelling match across the table from each other while her mother sat passively by and commented on how she could do something different with the chicken. The ones that made her cry afterward, the ones with her grandmother where she laughed the most, and the ones where she refused to eat anything in protest.
Though the worst ones were always the awkward ones, the ones where everyone knew something was going on but no one knew how to start the conversation without making it even more awkward or even bringing up the source of the awkwardness. It was different from the tense dinners she had before; those had a heavier feeling than the coat of awkwardness that draped the table right then and there.
Usually a quiet table meant that the food was good - which it was, but there was still that blanket of awkwardness wrapping around them. Laura, bless her heart, tried eagerly to dissolve the discomfort by detailing what was in each dish and asking if anyone needed anything else while the bowls and serving plates were passed around. When the dishes got to Q, she took an appropriate amount of food while Dawson continued to load his plate up - clearly unsure when they were going to have another meal like they were. Neither one of them were very good cooks and relied a lot on Ukrainian takeout. If the situation were any different, Q would probably do the same, but she was trying to be polite.
A home cooked meal was a home cooked meal even despite the mood of the table. And it seemed she and Dawson weren't the only ones itching for it. The other Avengers took what they wanted from the serving platters and soon forks and knives were scraping against plates. The plates had come from a flea market. For the most part, she kept her eyes on her own plate and didn't contribute to whatever trite conversation was happening, but couldn't help but glance up and around the table every so often.
Noticing how Bruce separated his food into defined sections on his plate to make sure they wouldn't touch: something he can control after not being able to control the Hulk. Eyes flicking over to Fury and watching him glance over each of the adults sitting at the table: the Director coming out of him even though he had no real control over any of them anymore. When Tony's arm bumped up against hers and sent a buzz through her nervous system: spread out to take up as much space as possible because it shows he's relaxed and casual even despite what happened. Nat letting Lila feed her pieces of food with a warm smile that didn't quite reach up to her eyes: being reminded of the family she thinks can never have. A ting of a fork against a ring made her glance to Clint who was deftly twirling his fork between his fingers with his eyes trained on Dawson: a testament and a warning to his skillset - how easily he could kill Dawson with just the fork. And finally Steve, meeting his eyes and being a bit surprised by how he was looking at her: with longing, for a quiet life like the Bartons. Though his eyes immediately moved away from hers as soon as she relaxed into the way she was being held in his gaze.
"You've barely touched your food, Q." Laura pointed out, accidentally calling everyone's attention to her. Then making her realize that she had just been moving food around her plate, much like she did during previous awkward dinners she was forced into, "Is everything okay?" a flash of worry briefly appeared on her face, as if she was nervous that Q didn't like her food. That certainly wasn't the case at all.
"Oh, yeah, of course. It's delicious, Laura." she went to assure the woman, shifting in her chair and quickly stabbing a couple of the potatoes with her fork. Laura watched her chew her bite and gave her a small smile and nod to match, then glanced around at the remaining dishes on the table,
"Do you want any salad?" she offered with a raise of her eyebrows.
"No, thank you." she declined the offer with a grateful smile, mouthing opening a bit to explain her aversion to vegetables, but Nat beat her to it.
"Q tends to avoid anything good for her...at all costs." she said it so simply and lightly that to anyone not aware of what had been going on for the past year would have thought it was a joke. But Q knew better. And a quick look to Nat confirmed that she wasn't talking just talking about salads. "Does whatever it takes to get as far away from it as possible, don't you, Q?" Nat continued to lay onto her, pairing it with a smirk that was only for show. Her eyes betrayed her first, with a coldness, a hardness to them that made the fear Q had toward her, before she had gotten to know her, creep back in.
"Something like that." she responded, swallowing heavily. Suddenly, she had found her place at the dinner table.
A familiar place, the role she took countless times at various family dinners: the victim. And while sometimes she didn't deserve it, this time she did. She had to sit and take it - the thinly veiled criticism and "jokes" that were directed at her. Reminiscent of the Thanksgiving dinner she had shared with her family and Steve over a year ago. Only this time, Steve wasn't coming to her defense. Instead he just watched on and let Nat say her piece.
But hell, she had survived Hydra torture. She could make it through the rest of dinner.
A/N: Whew! Managed to get home and get my ass in gear in time to get a chapter out so I could keep to the posting schedule! I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! Yay for awkward fam dinners! Please don't hesitate to let me know your thoughts and reactions. I love reading all of your reviews. Thank you again for the countless support and whatnot. I love you all!