Hi everybody! I would like to dedicate this story to anyone struggling with anxiety these days. Please, take care of yourself.
The story is situated in season 21, after episode 21x16 (the one where Kim and Amanda's dad come to town). I hope you'll enjoy the ride!
Bless you XX
It was a little past 8 PM and the precinct was quiet. Olivia was still at her desk, ready to call it a night. She took off her glasses and while her eyes aimlessly scanned the squad room, they landed on Amanda. She'd been thinking about her quite a lot recently. It has been a tough year so far for the blonde detective; first with the Bucci case and soon after, with the cataclysmic come-back of her family.
The recent personal events combined with the ever growing experience remodeled her into an even more empathetic person. Her tone of voice was different, more subtle, soothing and everyone could tell motherhood suited her. Olivia felt really proud of how Amanda had been transforming her pain into an asset to better herself. Yet, something was missing. The usual stubbornness that characterized the blonde detective was nowhere to be seen, almost like she was holding something back. Olivia had been meaning to talk with her but their schedule never seemed to concord. That night though, her intuition seemed to be the one taking the decision for her.
The captain was quick to collect her belongings. She then leant against Amanda's office and waited for the woman to notice her presence. "You've been quiet lately," she kindly pointed out.
Not only the caring ocean eyes enlivened her face, they seemed to enlighten the whole room. "Is that… a problem?" Amanda asked, offering a curious smile while she rearranged a strand of hair behind her ear.
Olivia promptly shook her head. "Of course not. I was just thinking, it's been a while since we spent time together!" There was a pinch of worry in her voice, but mostly the value she granted to their friendship had grown over the years, and she genuinely missed Amanda's company.
"I'm sorry I haven't been much available, life's been crazy. You know what, let's just grab a drink, if you have time?" Amanda turned off her computer and grabbed her jacket without waiting for an answer.
Olivia followed the detective towards the elevator and outbid the offer. "How about we do something on Saturday? Lucy could watch the kids, if that's a problem for your sitter?!"
Even before Amanda spoke again, Olivia could tell the mood has changed. The blonde detective pressed her back against the elevator shaft wall and let out a sigh. "Billie has entered the phase where she throws a temper every time I leave her," she admitted with despair. Saying the words out loud hit like a realization; she was indeed worn-out.
The brunette placed a hand over the woman's shoulder and gave a gentle squeeze. "When's the last time you did something for yourself though? You need to unwind from time to time," she insisted with a growing concern.
Amanda let the words sink in and gave a soft nod. "You're right. I need a break from… everything!"
Olivia's radiant smile proved her satisfaction. "Pick something you want to do, I'll follow!"
"Anything?," Amanda asked with the same tone Jesse uses when she gets to pick an ice-cream flavor. If her malicious smile first appeared like a delight, Olivia soon rolled her eyes, already wondering what she got herself into.
Saturday morning, 7AM.
Amanda, energetic as ever, dropped out her kids at Liv's. She'd been wanting to escape the frenetic city life for ages and what better than a hike to combine her love for sport and for nature? After some quick research, mostly while feeding her children breakfast, Breakneck Ridge appeared like the perfect place. It was only 1 hour and a half away but given the pictures she'd seen online, the change of scenery would be radical. Olivia, on the other hand, didn't sound as excited about scaling 1,260 feet of sheer rock.
Amanda glared at Olivia's passed down sneakers. "Don't you have better shoes?! Trails can be very slippery when it's wet!" Amanda bit her bottom lip to repress a giggle. This would be a memorable day.
"Are you sure about this?" The brunette asked while entering Amanda's Jeep, already feeling out of her comfort zone.
"Relax, you'll be fine." Amanda's enthusiastic laugh harmonized with Frannie's bark. "If Frannie can do it, you can do it!"
Olivia, ignoring the fact her subordinate just compared her to a dog, took her sport jacket off and made herself comfortable for the road trip. The younger woman was probably right and she indeed felt pleased for the opportunity to catch up. "So, how have you been doing?" she asked in a casual voice.
"Everything is on track, the girls are thriving," Amanda answered with an amiable smile, her eyes on the road.
"Not quite what I asked," Olivia pointed out in a very casual way.
The amount of time it took Amanda to realize she was supposed to talk about her was a good indication of how little she's been considering herself lately. The worst part was, she didn't even notice it. "What me?! Don't worry, I'm good," the younger woman answered as if it was no big deal.
"Have you started going back to therapy?"
"Really, Liv?" Her sharp tone was soon followed by an annoyed stare, that Amanda would most likely have prolonged if she wasn't driving.
Olivia took in a deep breath, thinking of a better way to express her concern. "I'm sorry Amanda, the words came out wrong. You've been through a lot recently and I care about you."
"I'm worried about you too… Simon, Tucker?! But I trust you. You don't like when someone's on your back Liv."
Point taken for Amanda, Olivia mentally recognized. The brunette wasn't exactly an open book herself and if the day was about sharing, she should probably start by showing some honesty. "For the record, I have started back therapy, even if it was just for a few sessions." Olivia informed her friend. "You can't pour from an empty glass."
"Whaaat?!" The blonde woman exclaimed, clueless.
"You care for anyone around you, except for you. I used to be just like that. Dr Lindstrom reminded me it's all right, from time to time, to step back and put myself first. The world is not gonna crawl, just because I'm not here to save the day." Olivia offered an empathetic smile, knowing all too well how juggling a career like theirs while being a single mom was challenging enough. "Do you notice when your glass is empty?"
"What glass Liv?," Amanda answered with irony. This was not what she signed for. It was supposed to be a fun day, not a day to stir her feelings.
The silence that settled was nothing but comfortable since Amanda's thoughts became louder and louder. It's more like a pile of glass and not enough time during a day to clean them up, she mumbled internally. God, she hated Liv's metaphors. What she disliked even more, was the fact that Olivia was right. Again. Always. "Seriously though, I've been dealing," she declared with a soft voice, hoping that her friend would not hear the emerging sadness hidden behind the words. Amanda subtly shook her head to delete the atrocious image of her dad overdosing in her living-room. She didn't have time for that either.
"Oh." Those two syllables were the only comment Olivia could elaborate once they arrived on the trail. The terrified look on the brunette's face turned out to be very much explicit, though. "I can see why it's named breakneck."
"What do you mean?" Amanda asked with excitement.
"That's what's gonna happen to me if I climb this!" Olivia gestured at the rocky cliff standing in front of them. "There's no.. path! I told you I was not used to hiking. Did you even check the level of difficulty? " Olivia aimed for her phone and her eyes grew even wilder, if that could be possible. "It's a ten out of ten!" She exclaimed, incredulous and displeased.
Amanda shrug but refused to apologize. It never even occurred to her to verify the difficulty rating. "Just imagine it's real life. If you knew beforehand how hard it would be to just breathe sometimes, would you even get up in the morning?" She asked with what felt more like an admission. The latent pain hidden behind the piercing blue eyes emerged once again.
The two women locked eyes for just a second, and Amanda allowed her friend to dive right into her soul. No words were ready to be shared just yet, so letting someone see her was the best she could do for the time being.
It was all Olivia needed to synchronize with Amanda's distress. The brunette nodded in understanding, deciding to process mentally before deepening the conversation . "It's steep," she asserted with a gentle voice.
"It's steep," Amanda echoed with compliance.