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"Lead the way Liv, I'll follow."
Despite Amanda's serious tone, Olivia couldn't help but think she was being mocked. The captain didn't move right away though, obviously waiting for a confirmation. "I'll watch your back," the blonde detective encouraged. That's only when Liv arched an eyebrow that Amanda realized how inappropriate she might have sounded giving the circumstances. As a diversion from her reddening cheeks, she turned around to pet the affectionate dog. "Frannie will go ahead, will you? Good girl," Amanda proclaimed with a shrilling voice. "I meant, I'll stabilize you if you happen to lose balance."
"You'll catch me on the fly, Rollins?" Olivia teased.
"Try me," Amanda answered in a daring voice. Her good reflexes combined with her sense of loyalty shouldn't be doubted. "You're safe with me."
"Who's keeping you safe 'Manda?" Olivia couldn't help but ask, hopeful that at some point during the day, Amanda would finally let go of some of the weight she'd been carrying in solitary.
The younger detective didn't bother answering, already predicting that Olivia would be out of breath in the following thirty seconds. It was not the kind of ride appropriate for small talk. The intense physical effort required focus. Both hands were needed to escalate the rocks, and it was important to verify every step of the way if their feet were steady enough to support the weight, before attempting to move further.
Amanda loved this. Despite the stamina it necessitated, it was a breeze. No space for thinking, she'd only focus on what was in front of her eyes in the moment, and do whatever was needed. That's probably why she's always been so reckless. Danger has always been around the corner, spying on her and she just got used to live with a fighting spirit. It was no wonder why her tolerance to pain has continuously been rising throughout her life. She was a rock.
"How about a break?" Olivia asked after a fair amount of effort, and as she turned around to face her friend, her eyes marveled at the landscape. They were high enough to spot the Hudson River. "It's beautiful!" Despise the enchantment Liv manifested, Amanda didn't turn right away to admire the view. She couldn't help but stare at the captain's joyful face. The wise brown eyes never seem to get astonished with anything these days; they'd seen enough. But the new-found innocence was a pleasure to capture and Amanda felt privileged to be the testimony of such a unique scene.
"Take a rest and enjoy the panoramic," Olivia insisted without taking her eyes off the gorgeous horizon.
Different shade of blue were dancing in the river, but they were never alone. The greens of the mountain beside the water seemed to melt within the liquid. As if that was not breathtaking enough, the reflection of the clouds added mystery to the unique landscape.
Olivia, covered in sweat, didn't mention her shaky hands due to the involuntary contraction of muscles she didn't even know existed. "Everything falls into place when you experience something so perfect," she acknowledged with gratefulness.
"Really, you like it?" Not sure where the sudden shyness came from, Amanda wrapped her arms around her waist in a protective manner.
"I love it. Thank you for bringing me with you, I would have never done something like that by myself." Olivia examined the ground and sat on a big flat rock. She dropped off her backpack, patting the spot next to her. "I can certainly understand better why you love nature so much now."
Amanda called for Frannie and appreciatively joined the captain. "I like the landscape, but it's not that. I just enjoy how peaceful my mind is. You know how you were overthinking at the beginning? Well, you need to push that aside and get your hands dirty. Just focus on the now, that's what keeps me going." Even though Amanda was taking her wind back, a big lump formed inside her throat, and it was harder to breathe now than in the middle of physical effort.
"Still, it's nice to take a breath and appreciate everything you've accomplished." Olivia smiled with satisfaction. Not even an hour ago, she didn't think she would be able to escalate the perilous path; the blonde detective proved her she was agile enough and her self-esteem definitely appreciated the boost of confidence. "We would have never seen the beautiful landscape hadn't we come this far."
The conviction that her heart was made of stone these days made it hard for Amanda to anticipate the emerging tears inviting themselves in the corner of her eyes. How come she was not able to appreciate the beauty of the scene, she wandered. Olivia made it seem like they'd accomplished a miracle when really, they were only at the beginning and to Amanda, it seemed like they've barely even moved. She tried to swallow the frustration away, but her throat narrowed even more. It was unlikely at this point to imagine that Olivia would not notice her misery and yet she held on the her waist a little bit tighter, hoping to somehow discourage the sadness to materialize.
As predicted, concerned brown eyes responded immediately. "Hey.. what's the matter honey?" Olivia asked with a genuine interest.
Up until that moment, Amanda had managed to ignore her own pain, to completely forget about it. How had she become such a good liar, that even herself believed she was fine? It was pointless insisting now that the mask had faded. She sighed in defeat. "It's such a long road, I can't see the end of it." In almost a whisper, she let go of her guard.
Olivia knew right away that Rollins wasn't talking about the climb. Instead of preaching though, she stayed quiet for a while, allowing her friend some time to arrange her thoughts.
No words came, but the defenseless expression Amanda displayed silently begged Olivia to break the silence and once again, lead the way. "Good", the captain declared staring right into the blue eyes. Her voice was determined but somehow soft as if, there was no hesitation from her part.
"I don't see how this is good," Amanda mumbled. She then closed her eyes while taking a long breath in, held it for a second, and then slowly let it out, in an attempt to somehow keep her emotions under control.
Olivia bit her lip, wishing she could just extract the pain away from her friend or at least, provide some comfort. She knew Amanda well enough though, and from the locked posture and the deviant look, the brunette could tell it wasn't an appropriate time to offer physical contact. "Well, if you knew what the point of arrival should be, it would mean you don't have a choice. It would mean there's only one way, and if you fail at finding it, you'll never be happy."
Amanda's jaw dropped. Olivia's ability to put into words an apprehension she hadn't even processed yet made her feel safe. "That's exactly how I feel." Her voice was soft, candid, delicate. Only Olivia has ever seen her that authentic. At the same time though, the despair she ignored for the past few months was all she could feel inside her being.
"Does that thought help you in any way?" The woman softly inquired.
"Not really, no," Amanda answered with a shake of head.
Olivia, hesitant at first, carefully let her hand land on the blonde's knee. "So how about you take things one step at the time? How about, you pick one thought that will help you through?"
Amanda rolled her eyes with sarcasm and nervously moved her legs away from Liv's touch. "Like hope for the best of something?"
" 'Coz you and me are such good hopers, right?" Olivia let out an ironic giggle. "How about you take a minute to congratulate yourself?"
"What for?"
"For acknowledging that you've kept pushing through the days, for the sake of your family, and that it's not working for you anymore."
"It has worked Olivia," Amanda insisted, her voice burying some of the anger threatening to resurface.
"Were you happy?"
"I…" Amanda ignored how it all happened. "Ehm.. I.. " Her trembling lips didn't manage to form a word. Did she decide one morning, while sipping at her black coffee that joy was just overrated? Her eyes darkened, almost as if they were filling with clouds. "I don't think happiness is for me Liv. It's ok, I'm ok… it's just, too hard to be happy I guess. I can settle for less." Despite the resignation, Amanda didn't sound sad. She gently extended her hand to stroke Olivia's shoulder, willing to help her friend giving up on her.
Olivia grabbed her hand and held it closely. "Sweetheart, look at you! You're a force of nature," she softly affirmed. "You do not settle for less. Never. Everything you've been through has prepared you for that exact moment, right now, where you're ready."
"How do you know?" The blonde sighed, unsure of what to believe at this point.
Olivia tightened her grasp and approached her face close to Amanda's eyes. "I see you. I know you. I love you." The frankness of her tone was irrefutable.
Amanda carefully examined every inch of Olivia's expression. Like the insightful detective she was, she rigorously searched for the evidence that Olivia was lying.
The captain didn't flinch, certain of her intentions. She nodded faintly, inviting her friend to do whatever she judged necessary.
Without warning, Amanda enveloped her arms around the brunette's body. "I don't know where to go from here," her broken voice allowed her to admit before bursting into sobs.