Chapter Two
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We're sat on his couch, our thighs together holding hands. It's half eight in the morning.
"Dr Flynn can see us at eleven, this morning." Christian announces after reading a text, presumably from Flynn himself or his secretary. We sit in awkward silence until my stomach grumbles breaking the tension by bringing smiles to our faces.
"I guess I'll start making breakfast." I mumble leaving him on the sofa thankful to be able to not have my face towards him so I can let my tears flow. They get worse and suddenly I'm in a pile on his kitchen floor howling. I know how today will end, we'll never see each other again. There's no way we could work. I don't want to be like my mother and constantly hurt myself along with those around me just for some quick passion that never lasts.
I'd barely been on the floor a second when his arms were around me lifting me into his lap, his lips tenderly kissing my hair.
"This is never going to work is it, Christian?" I manage to choke out before the tears take over once more.
"We'll work it out, we'll find a way." He assures me his voice forceful.
"How d-d-do you you kn-know?"
"How do you know you love me?" He asks disregarding my question offering me a tissue so I can blow my nose.
"I smile when I think of you, even when you're being annoying. I want to smile with you in your good moments, and hold you during your bad ones. I worry about you when I'm not with you, even when I am. When I wake up next to you I'm happy because I'm with you, actually whenever I'm with you I'm happy. When I look at the future you're in every vision. I'll still love you when we're old and you're not as beautiful because you always will be beautiful. I can see myself marrying you, holding you, being with you for the rest of my days. I want to have your babies, watch them grow into the wonderful people they're going to be." I confess, more tears fall after I speak. Mourning the future that can never be.
"That's how I feel, apart from the kids. I've never really wanted kids."
"How comes?" I ask, our eyes are meeting and in his arms on the kitchen floor I feel content.
"I'll never be a good father, I'm too fucked up." The scorn in his voice matching mine from earlier.
"I'll never let you be a bad father, Christian, I promise." I vow.
"Does this mean you'll give us a chance?"
"Yes. I love you, I can't let that love go. I've never felt this way." I promise, still unsure. I want to believe in him and us.
"I also know I love you because I held you tissue when you blew your nose and wasn't disgusted at all, anyone else even my mother or Mia I'd be grossed out. Not you. I'll hold your tissues forever." His smile looks like it could light up this whole town.
The morning passes quickly in a sprint of scrambled eggs, separate showers and hope. All too soon it's finished, we are currently in Dr Flynn's office. I'm absolutely terrified.
"So Christian, Ana why don't you tell me why you're here." The kind looking English man with an upper class London accent begins. I look to Christian pleading with him to begin, I can feel the tightening in my stomach of anxiety.
"Ana asked me how bad being a submissive can get, so I used a belt on her." Silent tears run down his face, he's looking down I know he's ashamed. I almost miss the slight glare Flynn directs to Christian before he addresses me.
"Okay. Ana, can you tell me how you felt throughout this?"
"Pain."
"Just physical?"
"No, the physical pain was nothing compared to how it made me feel inside.
"Which was?" Flynn probes, Christians head is still down. I take a breath and hold his sweaty hand. We're here to become stronger together, this is the first step.
"Degraded, alone, hated."
"Why did you ask Christian to do this to you?"
"I already knew I was in love with him, I also knew he didn't want any relationship other than a contractual one. I decided that even if he was doing these things to me, it didn't matter as long as I had him. I needed to prepare myself."
"What happened when you left the playroom?"
"I ran to my room, I couldn't. I just couldn't stay with him. What I felt inside, I realised that love wasn't enough."
"So why did you stay?"
"I had my backpack and suitcase packed, I was almost at the elevator when..." I look to Christian, his hand squeezes mine. "Christian shouted red. He safeworded. I couldn't believe it."
"Why couldn't you believe it?"
"In the contract when one of you safewords, the other stops what they're doing. I looked to him and he was devastated, my heart broke leaving him like that. I couldn't just walk away from the person I love most in the world when he was just breaking in front of me." Christian squeezes my hand again.
"Christian, why did you safeword?" Flynn asks after handing us each to wipe away the tears on both of our faces.
"I couldn't lose her. Seeing her walk away from me was the worst feeling I've ever felt. In my entire life. It was as though I had been burned all over by a million cigarettes." He pulls me into his arms so I'm almost sat on him, I hold his hands in mine.
"I'm not leaving you, I promise." I hold his face in my hands and kiss him passionately, trying to pour my love into that one kiss. We break apart when we hear a cough from Dr Flynn.
"Christian, Ana I think you both need to be honest with each other. If you're serious about being together you can't build a solid foundation of lies, or lies from omission." I nod, I need to speak about husband number three. Christians arms wrap tighter around me.
"I'm sorry from what you're about to hear." His words full of trepidation.
"Just tell me. No holding back, no frills." I command.
"My biological mother was a prostitute. She was also a crack addict. I mainly refer to her as 'the crack whore'. She would forget about me and I'd go days without eating because she was so fucked from the drugs. Her pimp would beat her, when she was passed out from the blows or drugs he'd turn to me. He'd beat me, or burn me with his cigarettes." Christian confesses.
"Oh my love." I cry holding his face once more, lightly tracing his beautiful features with my fingers. "I'm so sorry that happened to you. It does explain some things." I admit.
"You're not disgusted with me?" His eyes wide, his mouth open, forehead creased. Then it falls into a frown. There's more he hasn't told me.
"Of course I'm not disgusted with you, love. I already said, I want to take that jump and be with you. That means we're going to be a a team. It's not you against your problems anymore, it's us both together against them." I vow.
"That's a very good way of looking, Ana. Christian, why don't you carry on."
"All of my submissive's were brown haired and petite, so they'd look like my mother."
"You wanted to have sex with your mother."
"No. I wanted to beat women who look like her."
"So you could punish her, beat her, because she neglected you and died before anything could happen to her for child endangerment. Neglect is abuse, so by dying in your eyes she escaped justice." I think for a second, then I remember! "The contract! You had control over almost every aspect of your submissives lives, or at least their well-being. You made sure they ate enough, exercised, got enough sleep. Your mother was so out of it on drugs she couldn't do that for herself, so you're making sure the women you see as your mother are well cared for. When they're not being punished for neglect."