Q had come to a decision: she was going to tell Steve about Bucky. She had held onto her secret for entirely too long and at this point, it was now hindering her relationship with him more than anything else. Despite the massive secret between them, things were good. Settled. And she knew Bucky was doing well - from the brief letters she had gotten from him (he had apparently recently discovered the Harry Potter books).
This was the perfect time to tell Steve. She had no other reason not to. Only hoping that he wouldn't be as angry or disappointed in her for keeping Bucky away from him. Once he heard her reasoning behind her decision, certainly he would at least understand why she had kept it from him.
After their fight and make up regarding Wanda, things had been good between them. And as much as she didn't want to mess anything up, she knew that they couldn't move forward if she was still keeping such a large secret from him. That and she knew she was being a little hypocritical for getting angry at Steve for not telling her about Wanda when she hadn't told him about Bucky.
Despite how many people were in the Avengers' compound at all times, she rarely ran into anyone. Everyone's schedules were so different; from working on the mission to training to other things, there wasn't really a time she'd see all the Avengers together beside update meetings on Rumlow or a different mark.
Over the last week, she had done her best in lending a hand to track down Rumlow. It felt good to be doing something useful again, rather than selfishly searching for a long lost family member. Doing it with Steve felt even better. Before she left, they worked together a bit which was different than what both of them were used to, but it was a good different. If anything, it helped them grow together and discover new things to love.
Being back meant getting a second - or third chance. There was no way she was going to fuck it up again.
"Yo," Dawson's voice pulled her from her thoughts. She glanced over her shoulder to see him pushing himself off the couch so he could step over to where she was standing. "Uh, here." he handed out a small envelope toward her. Brow furrowing, she cautiously took it, seeing that it was marked with Steve's slanted handwriting: CLUE ONE. Confusion clouded her brain, making it impossible for her to focus on anything else except the reasoning behind the envelope and what the clue was for.
"I'm guessing you're not allowed to tell me what's going on?" she gestured to him with the envelope. He shoved his hands into his pockets, eyes squinting a bit as if she was the one who was being confusing,
"Clearly Rogers set up some sort of scavenger hunt for your birthday. The prize most likely being him." he spoke as if he was talking to a child and not a….now thirty-one year old woman. Her mouth opened a bit while her eyes went to the envelope again, turning it over in her hands. Her birthday. "Good luck." Dawson clicked his tongue against the side of his mouth. He turned to walk away from her but then doubled back, "And, uh, happy birthday." a half smile tugged at his features as he reached out to pull Q into a quick hug, "Let me know when you're done with that thing and I'll give you your gift." his finger waggled around the envelope in her hands, and then he walked away without another word - he had done his part, gotten the game started.
If she was being honest, she had completely forgotten about her birthday. So focused on dealing with her trauma and getting better, then the additional conversation she had to have with Steve took up more space in her brain than she cared to admit. Not that her birthday was something she looked forward to to begin with. She used to. She liked celebrating her birthday - not in a big way, but with something simple. Like the time she and Dawson shotgunned a couple of beers and had a rom-com fest. Then came the search for Bucky and the birthdays that passed ended up just being a painful reminder instead of a celebration. She was missing the one person she wanted to celebrate with the most. So she stopped celebrating and just let the day pass without making it a big deal - even though Dawson would always get her something small or do something nice without pointing it out. Why would this year be any different?
Carefully opening the envelope, she pulled out the small note that was written in Steve's handwriting. She read it once and then again, using the second time to absorb the important details so she didn't get too distracted by the fact that he had apparently taken time to set up an entire scavenger hunt for her birthday. Something he knew she would love, and something that would keep her mind focused on one thing - just not the thing she wanted it to be focused on.
The first clue led her outside where there was a small garden of sorts beginning. There was a bench she had sat on a couple times with a book or her journal when the environment of the compound got too heavy for her to work through. Sitting in the center of the bench was a puzzle box of sorts, clearly waiting for her to solve it.
While she knew she didn't have to go through all the steps to find Steve - it became pretty clear to her that he was waiting for her in their bedroom, it was still a little fun to work through all the puzzles and clues he had left for her. He had spent a lot of time on the games so she wasn't going to throw it all out the window. That, and it reminded her that he still cared about her and knew her well enough to understand how fun it would be for her. An expression of his love for her. So she would finish the word search for him, just as she unlocked the puzzle box in the garden and figured out the riddle Dawson had given her.
With her final clue leading her back to their bedroom, she leaned against the doorframe for a moment and watched Steve adjust the projector a bit more so it was centered with the makeshift screen he had set up. A clearing of her throat got his attention, a look of surprise coming over his face.
"You were much faster than I thought you'd be." the look of surprise was explained while he stepped away from the projector. She shrugged, one hand digging into the box of Lucky Charms that had housed one of the clues.
"I have a super brain now, remember?" Though she wasn't completely over her PTSD - and never would be, she was at a point where she could joke about it or remind them both of the things that had changed without it being painful. Considering what she said with a raise of his eyebrows, he planted his hands on his hips and moved away from the projector so that he could step over to her.
"Well, congratulations and happy birthday." he combined the two and added a quick kiss for good measure.
"Are you my prize?" she murmured with a quirk of her eyebrows. He fought the smile on his face, giving her another kiss before responding,
"Partially." with a step back, he let her see what he had been setting up. Her having been so focused on him at first, she had missed the rest of the room. It had been decorated with soft twinkle lights and what seemed to be a pillow fort built on the bed complete with a cooler of beer on the nightstand and a bowl of popcorn with M&M's mixed in next to it.
"I didn't know if you wanted a big party or not, so I figured I'd play it safe." he explained a bit, reminding her that they never got a chance to celebrate her birthday together before this.
"No, no this is...exactly what I need this year." she assured him with a happy smile. The feeling that had wrapped its arms around her during their time in Croatia returned for the first time since. And as much as she wanted to lean into it, the reminder of the conversation she needed to have with Steve was picking at the edges - trying to get inside. The rolling of her stomach at the thought of finally having the conversation with him was enough to make her grimace a bit. Though she didn't want to ruin the day, she knew she needed to tell him. It didn't matter if it was her birthday or not.
"Say what's in your head." he prompted - having caught sight of her expression and immediately growing concerned. A tired smile crossed her features at the familiar phrase, if only because there was so much going on inside her head.
"No, I just...I have to tell you something." she swallowed, only to see him shake his head.
"Don't." he denied her, surprisingly so, "Let's just celebrate, okay? It can wait another day." he sounded so sure of what he was saying despite not knowing what it was about. She hesitated for a second, knowing she should push back but he didn't let her, "It's your birthday, Queenie. It can wait." a strong, encouraging smile came over his features, letting her realize that even though it was her birthday, he needed to do this for her. In a both apologetic and forgiving way. She didn't care about ruining it for herself, but she didn't want to ruin it for him.
"Okay, right, you're right." she furrowed her brow a bit and laughed a little, "It's my birthday." he grinned at her, pulling her in for a kiss and then murmuring,
"So old now." he teased her in a familiar way that always made her stomach flutter; it was a reminder that they were okay.
"Says the almost hundred year old man." she shot back with a smirk. He rolled his eyes at her before accepting a kiss.
The rest of the day was spent together in bed, watching Q's favorite movies with beers and the popcorn mix she had introduced to him on his birthday. They cuddled in the makeshift pillow fort, comfortably fitting together like one of the puzzles he had her solve earlier in the day. She quoted along with the movies, including her very well practiced sound effects, while he was pleasantly amused and caught himself watching her more than the movies. For the first time in a long time, it was normal again; no mention of what had happened in the past or what was going to happen in the future.
The scavenger hunt and movie marathon were only two of the many presents Steve had for her. There were two given with his head in between her legs, one with him fully inside of her and then there was one final one after the first three gifts had subsided. He rolled back from where he had gone into the drawer of the nightstand, settling on his side so he could face her. Face still flushed from the previous gifts, she gave him a curious look.
"Whatcha got there?" her voice was a bit breathless, sounding like she had just run a mile even though both of them knew she would never do that willingly.
"A birthday gift." he grinned at her, tracing the edge of the average sized box with his finger almost tauntingly. She eyed him, wanting to play the game, but also just wanting another present. Her birthday selfishness was being coaxed out more and more as the day continued. It wasn't jewelry, that much she could tell. And it was too small of a box to be any sort of clothing. He poked the box forward with his finger until it was in the space between them. The excitement rolling off of him in waves was enough for her to reach out and take it.
With his eyes on her, reminiscent of an impatient, happy child on Christmas morning, she carefully opened the box. Nestled inside was a small cube of some sort that was decorated with different buttons and switches on all sides. She experimented with some of them, noticing the resistance was different on a few, as was the texture on others.
"I was doing some research on your...you know," Steve started to explain, getting her attention again, "And while there's no fix all for anything like that, apparently these sorts of fidget toys are supposed to help with distractions and settling the mind." he spoke not unlike how she did when she was rattling off whatever sort of research she had done. Medical and informative. He gave her a quick smile, "Internet, so helpful." he summarized which made her grin.
"I love it. Thank you." she moved forward to give him a soft kiss, which he returned eagerly before letting her go. Even though the gift was small, the meaning behind it was big. He had taken the time to find something that would be helpful to her and would be of use. It made her heart thrum and her love for him grow a bit more.
The rest of her birthday was celebrated a bit later in the night. After spending most of it with Steve in their room, she wandered out to find Dawson with both a gift for her and two small cupcakes he had gotten from the nearest town over. He gave her a two thin wristbands, not unlike the modified balance bracelet she had worn and used once before, that allowed her to send out a small vibration that her brain would focus on whenever she was feeling overwhelmed or stressed out. They were thick enough to cover the gnarly scars left over by von Strucker's torture so while it helped her chaotic mind settle, it also replaced a painful reminder of what she had been through.
The surprise gifts continued throughout the night, ranging from small to big. A personalized hot chocolate mug and subscription to some sort of hot chocolate box of the month from Sam, a crossword book from Maria, and even Nat, who had been barely speaking to her since her return, had left her a tracksuit in the bedroom. Fitted with technology that Q didn't understand, it was the closest thing she would ever get to a superhero's uniform. She had gotten a quick text from Sharon - followed by a hint that the CIA would be contacting her soon for a follow-up interview, and surprisingly, even the Vision had wished her a happy birthday (with as much emotion as the AI could muster). All in all, her birthday had been a surprise wrapped in more surprises. It was a celebration she wasn't expecting, but one that she was grateful to get. More so because it made her feel like she was home. Finally.
Which was why she had to tell Steve about Bucky. So that there was nothing else between them, holding either of them back or anything that could be a threat to their future. She had spent too long destroying everything good in her life as soon as it got good and this was her opportunity to stop the cycle.
With her birthday celebration over and done with, Q returned her attention back to her conversation with Steve. She had planned out how she would bring up the subject before, what she would say, how she would explain herself and her choices. With her heightened analytical abilities, she was able to truly predict the various outcomes and outliers, making her pro and con lists and other graphs and charts much more detailed. It just came down to tweaking it to fit the timeline.
Which seemed to be constantly changing - something she should've known after her plan to tell Steve about her feelings went wildly off the rails way back in D.C., but old habits die hard. A solid tip about Rumlow's whereabouts from a source in Lagos took precedence over a long lost family member. Bucky could wait, an international terrorist could not.
"You sure you don't want to come?" Steve asked as he suited up for the trip. Rather appreciatively, she watched the material stretch over his body for a moment before shaking her head.
"No, no we both know I wouldn't be of any help." she pointed out with a reminder. Even despite the skills gained from her time tracking down Bucky, there was nothing she could add to the team that was already formed. Her role of sniper could be delegated to someone else like Sam and his bird's eye view, and there was no living up to Wanda and her abilities. The hand to hand combat she knew could be handled better by Nat, and Steve took care of the super soldier category, especially considering her lack of general super soldierdom. Quick thinking paired well in most situations - including what would happen in Lagos, but the ability to execute and react just as fast was where Q lacked.
"Still. Be nice to have you there." the attempt to hide his worry had failed. Not that it ever succeeded in the first place; from the moment he asked if she wanted to come, Q knew it wasn't because he thought she'd be a good asset in the field but because he was nervous about coming back and her not being there again. Just like before.
"You'd be distracted." While she didn't want to argue, she did want to remind him of the cons of her being there, "Worrying about me, when you should be worrying about what Rumlow's up to in Lagos." she pointed out and he heaved a sigh, knowing she was right, "I'll be right here when you get back." his eyebrows rose at her light promise.
"Right there?" his gloved hand gestured to the spot she was sitting, "In that exact spot?" an unamused look crossed her features at the literal meaning he took. He grinned at her, leaning over to give her a quick kiss.
"Now, please, go get him so we can move on." she waved her hand in the air a bit. She wanted Rumlow to pay for his crimes as much as the next person. And once he was taken care of, it would mean she would finally be able to talk to Steve about Bucky.
"Yes, ma'am." he nodded once and then gave her a quick grin, "I'll go arrest your ex-friends-with-benefits for you." Placing her hand to her heart, she fluttered her eyes dramatically as if in one of the many rom-coms she loved.
"My hero." she pretended to swoon which made him laugh. It wouldn't be the first time someone she knew arrested someone she had sex with, but it would probably be the last.
With a grin, she pushed off of the bench she had been sitting on in the quasi-locker room that the Avengers kept their uniforms. She slid her hands over the red and white pattern of his uniform, moving them up to tighten the straps that kept his shield secured on his back. He didn't stop her, liking the familiarity of the motions she did just as she had back in New York.
"Love you." her eyes flicked up to meet his, looking for the small speck of green. The corner of his mouth quirked up a bit,
"Love you too." he told her. His hands settled lightly on her hips, just enough to pull her closer against him. There was a beat before he leaned in to deliver a sure kiss. One full of the love he declared out loud, plus a little extra. She responded by deepening it a bit, in an attempt to persuade him to come back. As if he needed any extra convincing those days.
"Ready when you are, Steve." Nat called out casually as she walked by the two of them. She gave Q a glance and a curt nod, reminding her of the rebuilding Q would have to once everyone got back from Lagos. Nat had been a good surprise of a friend and Q hated that she had lost someone like her. And was also a bit afraid to be on Nat's bad side.
The reminder of working on her friendship with Nat then reminded Q as to why she needed to do so; she had been gone looking for Bucky. The thought connected to the reminder that Q needed to talk to Steve about what she had really been doing and why.
"We'll talk when you get back?" she didn't bother telling him they needed to talk - it would spark a whole slew of nerves and distraction he didn't need. He nodded, giving her a quick grin and not seeing past the casualness of her question. They always talked. Especially after a mission or op. It was part of his process.
"Of course." With his agreement, he gave her a quick kiss goodbye and then headed off in the same direction as Nat.
They would talk when he got back. She would make sure of it.
A/N: Felt terrible about not being about to get a chapter out on Sunday so here's a Christmas chapter for you all! Hope you enjoyed reading a little fluff (I guess?) before we dive into Civil War! Gah! So much is going to happen, I'm so excited! LMK all of your thoughts and concerns. And if you celebrate, have a very merry Christmas! Love you all so much.