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Author's note: Sorry it took so long! Let me know what'cha think! 😊
Chapter 5
"So that's why you ended up with Webb?" His words were surprisingly free of any hidden malice. She gave him a measured look and held his gaze.
"If I answer you swearing complete honesty, are you going to actually listen to me and hear me out? Or ignore me and cling to your errant assumptions?" She felt him tense but neither made a move to create physical distance from the other.
"I promise to try to listen. " She nodded.
"Webb was nothing more than a good friend before Sadik's stateside visit. Claiming that simply meeting him for dinner was a date fell wonderfully into the "couple" cover story I was still operating under. It also gave me the occasional reminder that you weren't happy about the situation... That maybe you were still somewhat interested." She saw his jaw work as he worked to keep his temper under control. He cleared his throat.
"Mac, you said you had a date with him that Christmas. It was why you left Mattie and me."
"That was what I said. It was a lie."
"But why? What did you gain by lying and going home alone?" As he finally made eye contact with her, the look he found on her face was asking if he really wanted the truth. He sighed. "Truth, marine." Her eyebrow raised.
"Truth is that was a tough time for us. Had I have told you I was simply going home to drown myself in a crappy movie, ice cream, and tears, you'd have refuse to let me go. I didn't want to intrude. And frankly, I was still hurt and pissed with you from the argument the night before the custody hearing." He shifted his weight.
"I shouldn't have said what I did. And you shouldn't have lied."
"You were angry. I just didn't realize how angry you still were until that point. While I understood your lashing out… that doesn't mean you didn't leave and open some preexisting wounds. And maybe not… but it was easier at that point." He offered a slight nod before furrowing his brow.
"Why, though? Why after Sadik's Washington visit? I was back. We were doing better. If you didn't really mean "never", why Webb? Why then? That makes absolutely no sense." She bowed her head and sighed.
"Webb was a means to an end. Nothing more. Nothing less."
"I don't understand what that means, Mac." She bit her bottom lip and then raised her eyes to his.
"The run in with Sadik started a downward spiral." She shifted her weight and then met his gaze while chewing her bottom lip. She felt the tension building inside of her and felt him physically pull her closer. "Harm.. Everything I had endured since Paraguay began… Every inflicted hurt... The anger I had toward you with the Singer debacle... It all came to a head. Have you ever..." She tried to break away to pace but he held her in place. "Have you ever felt completely self destructive? Combustible. Where you... You want to… no… where you need to destroy everything good in your life? To let yourself completely spin out of control without any safety net and self inflict as much pain as you can because you want to be the one destroying yourself for a change? Where you take pleasure in watching your "squared away" self being destroyed… your soul ripped into shreds by your own two hands? Where you feel like destroying every last good thing in your life is the only way to stop your downward spiral into the depths of Hell?"
"Mac..." She shook her head.
"Webb to a point embraced my destructiveness. He played a vital role in it really. He'd let me spiral down just enough. Enough to temporarily satiate my need to self destruct while not completely destroying my ability to put on my uniform the next day. And he was drinking every thing in sight back then. And I knew that all I had to do was kiss him to get a taste alcohol." She felt him tense and looked up at him. Then she offered a faint smile. "Making a mental note to pour what little alcohol you own down the drain and never drink in my presence again?" His gaze roamed her face.
"Maybe. Mostly kicking myself for not noticing. I should have noticed. Should have stopped you. That's my job."
"You weren't suppose to notice. I realized after I made the comment about you fighting to bring people in and then losing interest that I had to reel myself in around you. It wouldn't have taken many more comments like that for you to either start punching back or call my bluff. I didn't want to be stopped. And I didn't want to hurt you anymore or be hurt by you anymore so... I kept you a little farther than arms length."
"I still should have known. I should have intervened. Should have noticed… I'm sorry I failed to catch you, Mac." He brushed an errant strand of hair behind her ear. She shook her head.
"But Harm you did catch me when things started to get bad. It didn't matter how far I shoved you away… how callous I was. You still stopped me. If I remember correctly, you found the truth instead of following my thought pattern and blaming the pregnant wife. You intervened, righted me. Saved me from making a mockery of my career. And then I slipped back. Was a pattern. Until Tanveer asked if I was still playing the role of Webb's wife. Then I started to assess things... The so called relationship and how it was really nothing more than a means to an end. Among other things. It's been a long, grueling inward study that in combination with health issues," she shook her head and gave him a self depreciating look, "has me seeking therapy." He nodded.
"I don't like it. But I can understand it." She offered a faint smile.
"That's progress for us." He rolled his eyes. "Anyway, back on subject. As I said, you've never abandoned me."
"Mac, I disappeared from the face of the Earth for 6 months. I never returned any of your calls. If basically walking out of your life for that long without returning any attempt at contact isn't abandoning you and what was left of our friendship, I don't know what would be."