Frollo wasn't waking up.
Esmeralda had forced the entire content of the "Antidote" little bottle down his throat, and made sure that he swallowed most of it. She was now kneeling beside him again, anxiously observing for the slightest change in his face.
His eyes were still closed, and his lips barely open.
But he was breathing. As the minutes went by, Esmeralda's heart slowed a bit when she saw that he kept breathing, slowly but regularly. She searched for a pulse in his neck and was relieved to check that his heartbeat was steady. He just looked like he was deeply asleep.
She didn't know how long she was supposed to wait, but she figured that however it was, she might as well get comfortable. So, with great effort, she dragged the unconscious man across the room towards the wall, where the proximity of the fireplace created the warmest spot in the room. She sat with her back against the wall, and placed Frollo's limp head on her lap. The man let out a small grunt of pleasure when his skull found the comfort of her thighs instead of the cold, hard stone. Esmeralda chuckled when she recognized the sound, for it was the same one he usually made in his sleep when she cuddled next to him.
And then she bursted into tears.
As the adrenaline finally faded in her blood, watching him alive, all the emotions that had been contained behind the dam of urgent action ran free at last. She cried out her anguish, her anger, her fear, her pain. She even allowed herself to feel guilty for a minute, guilty that she had caused him such heartbreak that he had gone this far. Only to then feel angry again because she wasn't the one to blame, and he had decided to leave her behind. The complex emotions circled on and on, leaving her exhausted when she finally was done crying.
She laid her head back against the wall, and closed her eyes, trying to calm her breathing.
She didn't know how long it had been when Frollo's head finally moved on her legs, waking her up.
- Hmm...- the judge moaned, blinking.
She immediately got alert again, unsure what to expect.
- I'm here. - she said softly.- You're okay.
Frollo was completely disoriented. Where was he? What had happened? It took him a second to realize Esmeralda was there. But how was that possible? Had it all been a dream? Or more accurately, a nightmare?
His brain hurt when he tried to mentally trace back his steps. It was all so foggy and incoherent that he felt nauseous.
- What happened? - he asked, with a scratchy voice, trying to focus his gaze on her face.
He noticed her eyes and nose were red and swollen. She had been crying. She looked terrible, as if she was consumed by some inner illness. Her voice was also scratchy when she answered his question:
- I… found you here. I gave you an antidote. - she explained, pointing to the table.
Frollo followed her gesture with his eyes, and it was then that he realized he was lying on the floor of his medical chamber, in the dungeons.
Then, her words reached his mind, and when he understood the meaning of "antidote", he suddenly remembered everything.
The poison. Him, preparing it carefully. Him, writing a goodbye letter to Quasimodo. Him, deciding there was no point in living anymore because… Because she had found out his secret.
The weight of this realizations made him nauseous again. It was too much information condensed in a few seconds.
But wait. She was here. She was gently holding his head in her lap and he could feel her hand absently stroking his hair. How had that come to happen?
- Why…? - he asked, unable to articulate anything else. But she understood.
- I felt something was wrong. Well, actually… it was Snowball.
Snow.
The images from the snowy night and the cathedral came flooding back. He had seen the gypsy woman, Quasimodo's mother, coming to get him for revenge. He had thought that he was in hell. But he was still alive.
- I don't understand. - Frollo moaned frustrated, closing his eyes and frowning deeply.
- Neither do I. - Esmeralda replied, and he heard the underlying anger latent in her tone.
Frollo opened his eyes to look at her again. Her emerald gaze was filled with accusation, though he wasn't sure of what exactly she was recriminating him. However, he consider it an improvement that at least now she seemed willing to listen.
He tried getting up, though his head and stomach immediately protested.
- Take it easy. - Esmeralda ordered firmly, but she supported his shoulders to help him sit straight.
She moved aside, leaving more space in the wall so he could place his back against it.
- Do you have clean water here?- she asked, looking around at all the glass jars filled with unknown substances.
With a grunt, Frollo pointed near the door, where there was a large, earthenware amphora. She walked to it and with an empty glass jar she found on the table, she collected some water from its cool interior.
She crouched beside the judge and offered him the water. Frollo drank slowly, and the cool liquid helped him regain some clarity.
- Thank you. - he muttered, as he watched her sit in front of him with her legs and arms crossed, staring down to the ground.
She looked so upset, so… defeated.
- I'm sorry. - Frollo said, with a strangled voice.
He felt his heart broken as well, watching the ripple effect of his crimes had managed to reach her across time and space. His hellish vision had helped him understand the pain he had inflicted upon Quasimodo's mother, and the fact that during that hallucination, the one he had been interacting with was Esmeralda all along, made him realize that it could have been her. If he had ran into her in different circumstances, in a different moment of his life, she could have been the one to perish under his hate. In fact, he reminded himself, she had actually been close to perishing under his hate for her entire kind, at the pyre.
- I didn't know… - he mumbled, trying to explain his lack of understanding in the past, and his newly acquired awareness.
- You didn't know? - she repeated, sarcastically. - You didn't know that poison would kill you?
- What? - Frollo asked, puzzled. - Is that why you're angry?
- Are you kidding me?- Esmeralda yelled, looking at him in disbelief. - What else would I be angry about?
Frollo looked utterly confused. He was so baffled that for a moment, he second-guessed his own brain, trying hard to discern if his memories of the past few days were real or still influenced by the opioid.
But they weren't, he concluded. Because the very reason he had taken the poison was the fact that she had discovered the kind of monster he was.
- Ehm… - he hesitated, throwing her a meaningful, still confused look.
It took Esmeralda a second to remember any of what had happened before she had entered the dungeon and found him laying on the floor.
- That! That is a different conversation. - she remarked, shaking her head. - It is not the point right now!
- What is, then? - Frollo asked tentatively.
She looked at him with the pain of his betrayal carved into her eyes.
- You tried to kill yourself. - she spit.
- I… - Frollo hesitated. He inhaled deeply, and tried to sound as calm and dignified as possible when he said – I honestly didn't think you would care.
- Then you're an idiot. - she snapped, getting up from the floor because the anger boiling in her veins again made it impossible for her to stay still. - If you really thought that… you're not the intelligent man I took you to be.
Frollo felt the sting of her words and he was deeply offended. He wasn't some kind of dramatic fool! If he had arrived to that conclusion, it was for solid reasons.
- But you left me! - he claimed, trying to defend himself.
- No, I didn't! - she replied, opening her hands in a wide gesture, as if she was stating the obvious.
- But you did… - Frollo insisted, weakly.
- I didn't. - she repeated. - You truly think I stayed at your stables because I can't take care of myself anywhere else? If I had wanted to leave you for real, you would have never seen me again!
- What does that mean? - he asked, not wanting to get his hopes up.
- It means we had a fight, and I needed some time to figure things out. - she explained with a frustrated tone.
- A fight? - Frollo repeated in disbelief. - Is that what you call it?
- Well, yes! People fight. Couples fight. - she said defensively, realizing it was the first time she had referred to them as a couple out loud.
Frollo noticed that too, but he was still focused on trying to justify his actions.
- I don't think it could be considered a fight when one of the parts isn't allowed to speak on their behalf.
Esmeralda stared at him, pondering his words. The judge looked defiant on the surface, but she could also see the fear and hurt that lied underneath.
- You're right about that. - she yielded, softening her tone a little. - But I just couldn't deal with it at the moment.
She shook her head, and he caught a glimpse of the heavy burden she had been carrying around. He went from feeling offended to feeling guilty again in a second. Esmeralda sat back in front of him, and taking a deep breath, she announced:
- But I'm willing to listen now.
Frollo gasped briefly. This took him by surprise. He had never actually believed that he would ever be granted the opportunity to defend himself. But this was his chance. His chance to say something, to elaborate a version of the story in which he could be seen as something other than a ruthless villain. To convince her that he was worth loving. Every corner of his mind joined together to fabricate a believable explanation.
But then something weird happened. The scheming machinery of his mind was stopped in its tracks by a more powerful force, coming from his heart.
And he realized that he didn't want to make up any story. He didn't want to defend himself. He wanted to let it all go. To reveal the truth, to set his heart free at last, to be faithful to his new understading of things. He didn't want to convince her to love him. He wanted to show himself as he was, and hope she would chose to do it on her own free will.
- There's really not so much to tell. - he said calmly. - I guess you know all there is to know.
His attitude of surrender stunned her. Esmeralda was expecting to see the cunning, twisting-reality-to-his-convenience Judge Frollo at his best. But the man before her seemed completely unarmed and honest.
Her heart was suddenly filled with a genuine will to understand.
- Why…? - she swallowed, gathering her strength. - Why did you kill her?
- Because she was a gypsy.- Frollo answered truthfully. - If she hadn't been, if it had been anyone else, I would have just captured her and questioned her, I would have granted her a trial. But, because she was a gypsy, I just never doubted that she was up to no good, and needed to be stopped at any cost. I was biased. I was under the spell of my own hate and despise… and that made me fail as a judge. But most of all, it made me fail as a human being.
Esmeralda listened carefully, with tears in her eyes. Her pain for her fellow gypsy was equaled by her pain for the judge. She saw the hurt in Frollo's expression, and struggled to say something:
- I understand that. - she stated quietly. - I understand why you feel that way about us. You told me your story… what happened with your parents. And… - she hesitated, fighting the urge to cry and trying to be as honest as he was being. - And I know that you're partially right. I know my people even better than you do. And I love them. I see all the good things in them that you're unable to see. But I see the bad things as well… I know that sometimes they don't care about rules of any kind… even moral ones. That has always caused me pain. You know, even my parents… Clopin's parents, I mean. The ones who adopted me as a baby, and raised me… well, I know his father was a thief. Sometimes he would bring us nice things and tell us stories about his adventures finding hidden treasures, and it wasn't until I grew older that I realized those stories were made up to hid his thefts.
Frollo was astonished at her honesty. But most of all, he was astonished at the fact that she was trying to understand him, instead of judging his actions. He was afraid of doing or saying anything that would change her mind, so he just stood there in complete silence as she kept going.
- But I also know he mostly stole for food, so we wouldn't starve. Because no one was willing to hire a gypsy and pay him a fair fare for his work. They wouldn't trust him, because they thought gypsies are thieves and criminals- she affirmed, throwing him a meaningful look.
Frollo nodded slowly, understanding her point.
- Claude… - she said, shaking her head, lost in her thoughts. - We could trace the pain and conflict through both of our bloodlines to the beginning of time. And we would both find a countless amount of valid reasons to distrust each other's side. I don't think we would ever be able to get to a point where we determine who was right first. I don't think such point even exists.
The judge was holding his breath, profoundly impacted by her words.
- And that doesn't mean we're all bad people. I think it just means we're all human, and afraid, and we don't want to get hurt, or the people we care about to get hurt.
- Hmm- Frollo nodded, as he began to tremble with emotion.
- It doesn't make our bad actions right. Murdering an innocent will never be right. - she stated, and she saw him lowering his gaze to his lap again.
Esmeralda moved towards him, and kneeled by his side. She gently took Frollo's chin and lifted it so he would look at her again.
- But taking advantage of a child's innocence and attacking him will never, ever, be right either.
His eyes were filled with tears and she suddenly saw the boy he had been so many years ago, still living inside him, coming out to the surface to hear those comforting words that would finally reassure him.
She couldn't fight the urge to kiss him. Frollo stood still as her lips tenderly wrapped his own, both their faces wet with tears. He broke away from the kiss when a sharp sob climbed up his throat. He sank his face on her neck, surrounded by her thick hair, and she cradled him there gently.
- I'm so sorry. - he bawled, his whole body shaking.
- I know. I know. - she whispered, rocking him back and forth.
They stood there, holding each other, until Frollo's breathing finally slowed down again. He leaned back, embarrassed by his sudden outburst, but Esmeralda's face was filled with understanding and affection.
- You know… - she said, sitting by his side and leaning her back against the wall. - I don't think we can ever move beyond any of this by looking at the past. I think the only way we can find a meaning for all that has happened is focusing on the future. Allowing it to change us for the better, and doing the better thing next time. Breaking the pattern of hate and heartbreak.
- You're right. - Frollo stated, amazed by the simplicity and clarity with which he saw things now, looking through her lens. - I think you're the kindest, wisest person I've ever met. - he confessed, still ashamed of himself.
Esmeralda looked at him, who was staring at the ground again. She took a deep breath, considering her next words.
- However… - she began, and the change in her tone made Frollo stiffen, alert again. - I'm not sure I can forgive you for today.
Frollo's cheeks reddened with embarrassment.
- Esmeralda, I truly thought all was lost. - he explained nervously. - If I had even suspected that you would be so understanding…
- That's no excuse. - she interrupted him sharply.
He shut his mouth, afraid of saying anything else that could make things worse.
- You said you would never let me go.- she accused. - You said you would always love me. You said I would always be safe with you. And I trusted you.
- It was all true. - he stated convincingly.
- No, it wasn't. You just proved it wasn't! You just told me before that you thought I had left you… even if I was still here, living practically under your roof, you thought you had lost me, right?
- Right. - Frollo confirmed, with a strangled voice.
- And see how that made you feel? And yet, you were determined to do the same thing to me. You were about to leave me, except that your leaving was irreversible and forever. Don't you see the problem there? You broke every promise you ever made to me!
Her voice cracked, as she pridefully tried to held back her tears, looking away so he wouldn't see her face.
- I guess I didn't see it that way. - Frollo confessed in a low tone. - I didn't thought you'd care about those promises anymore.
She threw him an infuriated glance, only to find him trying to repress a smile.
- Why the hell are you smiling now? - she asked, half irritated half surprised.
- I'm sorry, I'm not – he quickly clarified, though the edge of his lips was still slightly curved.- I just… does this mean you still… love me? - he dared to ask.
- Well, yes, you idiot!- she replied with exasperation. - Of course I love you. I can't seem to be able to stop, you know? - she pointed out bitterly. - But I can't keep doing this! - she exclaimed, with a hint of desperation in her tone.
- What? - Frollo asked, feeling his hear shrinking again in fear.
- I can't be with you if you don't trust me enough to believe me when I say I love you. I can't have you doubting that, any time conflict comes our way. I need to be able to be mad at you without fearing that I'm going to find you laying half-dead on the floor! - she said in an accusatory tone. - We are both hot tempered, and I intend to stick around for a long time, so I will get mad at you. And you will get mad at me! And sometimes, maybe, we will need some space from each other. But if we're in this together, I need to know you won't decide on our future unilaterally anymore! You can't ever bail on me like this again! - she yelled, and only then he realized the terror she had felt when she thought he was gone.
- I won't.- he immediately reassured her. - You're right. I should have given you the chance to… I don't know. I'm sorry. But you see… it's already hard for me to understand… - he hesitated, his cheeks reddening again. But her eyes were fixed upon his, her unavoidable gaze demanding an answer. He cleared his throat, trying to sound steady - It's already hard for me to understand why you chose to love me in the first place. So I wouldn't dare to dream that it would be possible that you continued to do it after you found out…
- I didn't choose to love you, Claude. - Esmeralda stated plainly. - I chose to stay at the palace to save my people. I chose to be open enough to get to know you. I chose to kiss you, that night. I chose to be with you, despite… well, everything. But loving you, wasn't a choice. I didn't have a choice in that. Not even after finding out your secret. And believe me, I tried. I was so mad that you lied to me all this time… But I couldn't. It doesn't depend on me. It's just part of who I am, it's in my soul.
- I see...- Frollo murmured, mesmerized by her words. He understood what she was referring to, for he had felt the exact same way since the beginning with her. He had never stood a chance against the love he had felt, no matter how hard he'd tried. He finally realized that they were indeed on the same page, and that her loving him wasn't some kind of transient trance she was going to wake up from any given day.
He turned towards her. Esmeralda had her eyes fixed on the fire. He attempted to hold her hand but she pulled away, and looked at him with hurt in her eyes.
- I mean what I said. I won't choose to stay if you can't guarantee that you won't ever do something like this again.
- I won't. I swear to you, from this day on, I will fight with everything I've got, until my last breath, to stay alive and by your side.
- You swear? - she asked, her eyes filled with tears, and her lips yielding with a smile, amused but equally moved by his vehement choice of words.
- I swear. - he affirmed.
- Good. - she said, suddenly throwing her arms around him and squeezing him in a tight hug that caught him off guard.
But his heart exploded with joy, and his arms surrounded her too, as he felt her warmth invading his body, like the sun rising after a long, cold night. He felt such gratitude and relief that his whole body wanted to leap and dance around.
However, she leaned back slowly, and he saw in her face that there was still something troubling her.
- What is it? - he asked, concerned.
- There's still one more thing we need to do. - she said slowly.
- What? - he inquired, intrigued.
- We have to tell Quasimodo the truth.