Grief is a powerful emotion- it is a bit like a drug after you've experienced it frequently- you don't realise you're having a withdrawal from it until your emotions begin to flatten themselves out and feel unreal. Time disentangles itself and becomes a floaty, eerie mess and memories fall out of place and stroll into the present.
Michiko has turned Hiruzen's answer to her question over and over, looking for some indication of truth.
"Biwako will be home soon. She's working as a midwife until the hospital has a lower patient burden."
Historically, that is something Biwako does very often, butMichiko feels it in her bones, she can hear it in his voice and she can hear it in the way he walks away from her with his feet shuffling across the floor; Hiruzen is lying.
First, she asks old Itsuko, an excellent liar. He shrugs and says she is busy. Then Michiko asks Asuma, who gives away, for a millisecond, that something is awry. He tells her the same thing Hiruzen has said.
Dissatisfied, Michiko showers slowly and dresses in black, ankle-length trousers, dawns a plain, v-neck, maroon blouse and pulls on a grey, white and green haori that has the Sarutobi-clan's sygil on the back.
Unusual attire for Michiko, because she's generally not very showy about her clan or family.
She revisits the hospital and scours the list of on-call midwives. Then, she asks interrogates some nurses. Irritated and angry, she demands to know where Biwako is working- but everyone shrugs their shoulders pityingly and shakes their head.
'They're all lying to me.'
So, Michko goes to the one place she knows can't lie.
She has felt every sensation as she walks to the graveyard, and through it, in search of her aunt's grave. She feels the soles of her shoes, the sound of the wind and the sound of construction, the noise of people and hammers and voices. She feels the thick, clammy air of the crowded streets and she can smell Konoha- dry grass, sand, wet earth in some places, the thick and sometimes spicy and sickening smells of street food, the smell of sweat and people.
She traverses through the graveyard and scans every new-looking gravestone out of curiosity. A lot of people have died in the last few weeks, it seems. At last, she arrives at a specific one.
The Sarutobi graves are located deep within the graveyard, a large plot of land that overlaps with some very ancient headstones that are barely legible. Even her father's grave stone looks weathered, although still legible.
She stops to visit him. A creeper has grown over the grey rock and it is sprouting lovely red flowers that Michiko decides look beautiful. She brushes them with her fingertips and strokes the stone affectionately.
'Hello papa.'
The earth always smells damp as if it has been rained on. It feels strange to be here, because beside her father's grave is an empty spot, once reserved for her mother. Now, it waits for her.
As Michiko stands up from her awkward crouch, she spots a new gravestone on the far right, beside her grandparents'. It is rectangular and is an unusual shade of white. There are flowers around it- lilies, three or four little pots of water holding three of four flowers.
The air stirs; it picks the sound of rustling grass- a low, musical sound. Michiko can hear the wind in her ears, strands of hair whipping up and around her face, into her eyes and her mouth. Impatiently she runs her palms over her cheeks and her eyes and pushes her hair up onto her head.
Of all the places in Konoha that Michiko frequents, the graveyard really is top contender for 1st place.
At first, she feels nothing looking down at the little rock.
'Sarutobi Biwako- a loving wife, a doting mother.'
She reads, over and over again, absorbing the words and trying to make them feel real.
At first, she thinks she feels sad and the feeling ebbs away and is replaced by nothingness. Then, she feels like she has been torn into pieces.
She stands there for a few minutes, reading the stone again and again.
'Sarutobi Biwako- a loving wife, a doting mother.'
'Sarutobi Biwako- a loving wife, a doting mother.'
'Sarutobi Biwako- a loving wife, a doting mother.'
In her mind, her aunt is still alive, standing at the door to her bedroom with her hands on her hips asking Michiko to wash her laundry.
Then, a sob wreaks its way through her so hard that she folds her arms and drops her shoulders and turns into herself, weeping and hiccupping like a little girl.
"I'm sorry, oba-chan." She weeps, pathetically.
The last time she cried like this was when they lowered her father into the ground.
She kneels in front of the grave, damp soaking in through the cloth of her trousers. The earth is soft, she feels like she has sunk into it a little.
About 15 minutes later, she stands up and wipes her eyes with the back of her hand. With puffy eyelids, she stares, squints and sniffles. Occasionally she suppresses the urge to cry again.
"Michiko."
A soft, baritone voice urges her out of her state, but she remains facing the grave. She clenches her fists and unclenches them a few times. She doesn't recognise who has called out to her, but she can only think that it doesn't sound like Asuma or Hiruzen.
'Shisui-kun?'
Curiosity gets the better of her and she turns to peer over her shoulder, at-
Hatake Kakashi.
Hands in his pockets, he is dressed head to toe in black. He watches her as she responds to his presence, at first straightening up, her mouth opens and closes and then she looks away from him and clenches her eyes shut.
"What are you doing here?" Her voice ups a notch and cracks as she struggles to speak coherently.
"I had an inkling you would be here." He says slowly, honestly.
'You shouldn't be alone.'
He proceeds to approach her, and then places a hand on her shoulder, "I'm sorry for your loss, Michiko."
Maybe it is his words, or the human contact- but Michiko is overwhelmed by the burning sensation of grief and horror as she realises that this change is undoable- Biwako is dead.
Her shoulders quiver and she bites her lip to keep the tears at bay. Kakashi, awkward as he is, steps in front of her and puts his arms around her shoulders in a clumsy embrace.
Then, Michiko begins to cry again, so he rests his chin on top of her head and waits until she is done.
When her sobs reduce to sniffles, Michiko murmurs a question into Kakashi's chest, "When did it happen?"
"During the nine-tails attack."
Kakashi is staring gloomily back towards the rest of the cemetery, watching a family flitter in slowly through the gates. He wants to say more, but he doesn't because he knows it never helps.
Michiko pulls away from him and he lifts his chin from her head, peering down at her with his single eye. She's twiddling her hands and nodding to herself.
"Okay." She says, her voice stuffy from her blocked nose. She wipes her eyes again and then clears her throat.
"I want to stay here a while longer." She murmurs, peering at the grave sadly. Kakashi watches her mouth as she speaks, her lips have become darker as she has wept and her cheeks are flushed.
He takes a step back once he notices that they are only a few inches apart.
"I can stay with you if you like." He shoves his hands into his pocket, glancing off towards the gate again.
"No. I'd like to be alone." She turns away from him and stands over the grave, feeling awkward, "But…thank you for coming here, taichou."
He blinks at her and then nods once, unsure of how to react.
'I've done whatever I can.'
Honestly, he knows that he only came here to see her in the flesh. He doesn't stop to look back as he leaves the cemetery.
Michiko on the other hand, sullenly regrets sending him away when she glances at his departing form.
'It's so…nice of him. You always liked him, didn't you?'
Frowning, she turns back to her aunt's grave and feels lonely again. There's a strange disorientation in her mind- she doesn't even know what date it is today, or how long Biwako has been gone, or how long she has been gone.
Hazy, she blinks tears from her eyes. Her brain struggles to put together what has elapsed in the last few days, or weeks, or hours…but nothing coherent comes to her.
As the drops fall from the contours of her cheeks, her vision hazes and her temple begins to throb with pain.
'Ouch. What the fuck?'
She presses her fingers to the sides of her forehead and squeezes her eyes shut.
Swaying in her place, she turns to follow after Kakashi. The man has paused at a gravestone and notices her approaching form from the corner of his eye. He turns his attention to her, his single eyebrow furrowing in concern when he sees her wobble dangerously down the hilly slope that leads to the Sarutobi's family cemetery.
"Michiko?" He calls to her, hands leaving his pockets as he strides to her. His steps are long and soon, he is gripping her elbows as she all but collapses.
"Taichou, my head. It hurts, I can't…" She continues to speak, but her words are incoherent.
Kakashi regards her cautiously. Tsunade has warned him about potential brain damage, and he can see it now. Listlessly, she slurs her words and her head lolls back until she is unconscious. This lasts for a few seconds, and she wakes up just as he hoists her up into his arms.
"…What are you doing?"
"Taking you home." He says firmly.
"Why are you carrying me?"
"You passed out." He says calmly. He has no choice but to be patient, Michiko doesn't remember passing out.
She remains silent, and her hands move to grip his shoulders. She's scared.
"I remember that Biwako is dead." She whispers, "Please put me down. I don't want to be seen like this."
Kakashi pauses, his eyes settled on the family that had appeared earlier, looking concernedly at the pair. There is something disapproving in their eyes, so he ignores them and lets Michiko on her feet.
"Can you walk?"
She takes a few steps, wobbling slightly, but not nearly as disoriented as she was earlier.
"Yes, taichou."
"Ma, that's good. Let me walk you home." His tone has resumed his casual, captain voice. It is an order. She does well not to disagree.
Kakashi can't help but wonder where Shisui is.
'He should be here. She shouldn't be alone at this time, not like this.'
Of course, he knows that she has her cousin and her uncle to return to, it still unsettles him that her boyfriend doesn't have the courtesy to be here. He feels bitter.
"Thank you, taichou." Her voice breaks him from his trail of thought, and he spares her a kind glance.
"It's okay…" He trails off, eyeing her, "Michiko, why do you never call me by my name?"
Alarmed, she gives him a strange, reproachful look. Her swollen eyes widen as much as they can and she scoffs, "It's just natural to call you taichou. Not calling you that feels…disrespectful."
Beneath his mask, his lips quirk into an amused smile, "Really?"
"Yes, Kakashi." A small laugh escapes her, "It feels weird to say your name."
"Hm." It's not much but hearing her say his name always leaves him feeling…warm. He dismisses the thought, and they lapse back into the grievous silence.
"Why did Oka-san not want to tell me?" She asks quietly, her arms crossed in front of her as they walk slowly towards the gate of the cemetery. They have to navigate carefully as people file in and out.
"He was worried that your health would suffer. Your brain has sustained some damage."
"Like... I've got brain damage?" Kakashi can hear the disbelief in her voice.
"Something like that."
She turns her head to stare him, angrily. "Don't be vague with me, please."
"I don't think I'm the best person to explain what happened to you." He responds.
"Does anyone want to tell me what's happened?" She snaps, glaring at the ground as she walks a little faster. Kakashi lets her go ahead, monitoring her gait as he assesses her balance.
'She looks okay.'
He doesn't say anything else to her until they're approaching her neighbourhood. She veers off course and makes a beeline for the high street.
"Where are you going, Michiko?" He calls, one hand scratching the back of his head.
"Somewhere." She says vaguely. He knows she does it to annoy him, so he takes a moment to level with himself.
"I'll have to make sure you get home safely." He reminds her, following her easily.
"I'm going to Shisui's." She says again, angrily this time.
"He's not in Konoha right now." It's a lie. Kakashi has no idea where Shisui is, but he'd rather be damned than let her walk to his house.
'Not when that asshole can't come and see you himself.'
Halting, she turns on her heel and gives Kakashi an irritated look, "Where is he?"
Kakashi shrugs.
The rapid rise and fall of her shoulders tells him that she is indeed, very angry. She looks like she's on the brink of a tantrum and takes a few sharp inhale-exhales before her shoulders slack and she looks sad.
'Why isn't Shisui-kun in Konoha?' For a second, she feels a pang of panic in her heart.
"Kakashi. He's not dead, is he?" Her voice cracks with sincerity. The man in question raises an eyebrow at her, perplexed for a few seconds before he realises that she'd been told Biwako was away instead of dead.
Shaking his head, he realises he has no way to convince her that Shisui is alive except to say that he isn't dead.
"No Michiko, he is not dead."
She looks like she doesn't believe him and twists her hands anxiously, "Okay."
She relents and walks back to him, "I'll walk back home."
Kakashi nods and lets her past him. She stops next to him, hesitates for a moment and then shakes her head and continues on, her sandals scuffing against the ground. He stares after her, observing her gait. She looks alright, so he trails behind her as they walk back to the Sarutobi residence in silence.