Tell me when you hear my silence
There's a possibility I wouldn't know
Possibility - Lykke Li
Chapter 11
Silence enveloped us as we drove towards Diana's house. It was not a new thing for quiet to pass between the two of us, but this silence felt different. Maybe it was just the realization that I was developing feelings for the man across that made the silence feel loud. The juxtaposition between the frantic pace at which my mind was trying to comprehend how I allowed feelings to develop and the ever growing gapping void of quiet was crushing me.
Paul either seemed to not notice the change in energy between us or chose to ignore it, but I found myself being wound tighter and a tightness forming in my chest. I felt almost compelled to shout out my new found revelation to the world, but held my tongue for fear of not being able to go back afterwards.
It felt like a millennium had passed by the time we reached the familiar gravel drive and came to a stop in front of Diana's small house. Pushing open the passenger side door and swinging my legs out and having them hit the hard ground seemed to put purpose into me.
"Hey, Paul!" He was walking a few paces ahead of me but turned with a smile when I called out at him. I felt an unfamiliar surge of enthusiasm as his look. I returned the smile, and something silently clicked into place for me.
He stopped a pace in front of me, even with my height I had to lean my head back slightly in order to see him fully.
"Sometimes I forget how big you are," I state plainly.
He laughed at this, but didn't respond. I realized he was wait for me to say something, and I almost decided to bail right then.
Instead, I surprised myself by asking, "How well do you know the cliffs next to beach?"
He shrugged. "I've grown up climbing up and down them, so I would say fairly well. Why?"
"Well..." I considered my next words carefully, it had been a long time since I had be in a situation like this one. "I have been wanting to explore to area more, maybe take a few pictures to add to my portfolio and the cliffs seem like a great place to start. I was wondering if you would mind taking me up there?"
"Yes," he exclaimed before I even got the question completely out of my mouth, his alit at my proposal.
I offered a smile laugh at his excitement and a breathed out a sigh of relief.
He ran a hand through his hair and gave a composing cough before amending his original declaration with faux coolness, "I mean, yeah that is something I could definitely do."
"Great, I am free all weekend but if you are busy we can go next week, I obviously work the weekdays but we could go after I get off, I mean you obviously know my schedule pretty well, so you can just get back to me about a time..." Incoherent sentences and strung together words spewed from my mouth, all original confidence having left my system.
Paul's smile grew as I mumbled on, "Tomorrow is good with me, pick you up at 9:00?"
"It's a date." I reddened at my use of phrase and thought about retracting it.
His eyes sparkled at the idea.
I needed to censor myself somewhat, not wanting to sound too forward or give off the wrong idea. Instead I chose to let it sit. It had been a long time since I felt this carefree and most of all happy.
Both of us grinning from ear to ear we made our way into the house. I realized I did not feel nearly as cold anymore.
There was no need for me to worry about spending the next day with Paul, but that did not stop the large stone of anxiousness and doubt to makes its presence known in pit of my stomach. I have known Paul for more than 6 weeks and he has never done anything to make me question him or his intentions once, I had nothing to fear. That didn't stop me from waking early the next morning, not quite sure how to feel.
Every fiber in my being was telling me not to open up myself to that kind of relationship, but there was something different with Paul, telling me to give him a chance. A chance to allow myself to not be afraid for once, and trust in this weird gut feeling I got whenever Paul was around.
Hearing the sound of Paul's truck pull into Diana's drive I felt my body relax, as if his proximity had an effect on my overall being. I chose to see that as a sign and stood up, gathered my bag and exited the house confidently, leaving my woes in the house behind me.
He surprised me when he parked and rushed to open the passenger side door for me. I blushed and climbed into the cab of the truck, Paul closed the door before rushing back to the driver side.
"I can take of myself, thank you very much," I told him with an eye roll, I waited a moment then added, "but I appreciate it."
Paul was wearing, what I was starting to believe were his signature, cut-off shorts and a simple faded red t-shirt. I also was starting to get the impression that he was not a fan of sleeves on shirts, since his always seemed to be lacking them.
While we drove Paul chatted happily, needing only the lightest of nudges from me to keep the conversation going. He updated me on his current projects that he was working on, yesterday he had helped roof one of the elders in the community's house. I was content to let him talk on while I enjoyed the sun on my face through the window of the truck.
The day was cloudy, but in the best way. The sky was covered in these big feathery clouds that cast mile long shadows onto the earth below. Occasionally the sun behind them would peak through and cast large rays of light. The weather looked clear of rain as of now but had the potential to start a downpour within a moment's notice.
In the blink of an eye we were pulling into my favorite beach, only instead of being close to the downtown, we were on the opposite end near the forest. From the truck I could see the mark for a trail head just a few meters from us. After we parked I hopped down and went through my backpack, checking I had everything I needed; my camera with an extra battery, two water bottles, and a few snacks if we got hungry before we got back.
"Ready?" I jumped back a bit when I realized how close Paul had got during my inventory.
I zipped the pockets closed and secured it onto my back, "As I'll ever be."
Together we started walking towards to where the woods surrounding the beach started to incline and I followed, "I am trusting that you know where we are going," I said to him from a few steps behind.
He laughed, "I don't think we could get lost if I tired."
Walking up next to him we began going up the ascent. We developed a steady pace, I was thankful for my coordination in this moment. I was able to maneuver the foliage on the ground without too much trouble.
Encompassed by the immense trees that soared above made me feel protected; everything was in shades of vibrant greens and deep browns. I could still smell the ocean on the slight breeze through the trees that reminded me that we were still close to the beach, its presence soothing me.
Paul was the ideal guide, allowing me to take in my surroundings, pointing out certain shrubs and animals that we of particular notice. Every so often I would pause for a bit and get a picture of this or that, Paul never minded the detours.
Mainly though we walked in silence. It was something I was beginning to appreciate about Paul; he didn't force conversation or have to always be talking. He allowed quiet to seep in and permeate our time together, he allowed me to say as much or as little as I wanted to.
It was a very strange kind of day. I enjoyed myself. Even walking through ankle-deep mud and the light sprinkle we got about an hour in did not dampen my mood. If anything it made the adventure that much more exciting. I didn't feel as if I had to put up a front of any sort, it had everything to do with Paul.
It wasn't that he was just always so patient with me, or that he lit up when he first saw me. It wasn't that he didn't watch me all the time, waiting for me to make a mistake. It had nothing to do with his interaction with me at all.
It was Paul himself. He had the aura around him that seemed both serious and light-hearted at the same time. The way he loved Diana and did little things to make her life easier, or the feeling of being safe that was emitted off him. I didn't feel the need or want to put up a fake appearance in front of him, because I knew that Paul would not want me to feel uncomfortable in any way.
It was natural, a part of who he was.
After walking for several hours, Paul turned us right towards the sound of the ocean. He had been just a step ahead of me for most of the way but once we got close he slowed down and motioned for me to go first.
As I took the lead I followed his directions on where to step and what path to go. After another 5 minutes or so of trekking the forest started to get lighter and I could see more sky poking through the trees. Paul stopped directing, pointed up ahead and let me go the rest of the way by myself.
We broke out onto the most breathtaking view I have ever seen. The colossal trees parted to reveal an expanse of water all the way to the horizon. Deep blues and blacks danced with the motion of the ocean down below.
Moving closer to the edge, ragged rocks jutted out of the water and there was no beach straight down. The water was flush against the large cliff we stood on, the water was dark here. It must be deep. To my right and left there were similar cliffs to the one I was standing, but none that were quite as high as ours.
"It's beautiful," I said as I turned to look at Paul with astonishment covering my features only to find him already looking at me, his eyes alight with mirth.
Without breaking eye contact he said, "I'd have to agree with you." Understanding his double meaning, red ran up my neck. I turned back to continue looking out at the scene before me and to hid the way his words had affected me.
Putting my bag down, I began to take photos of the views before me. Later when reviewing the pictures, I would find disappointment that there was no way to capture the actual beauty of the place on film.
When I turned back around a few moments later Paul had settled down onto a large smooth, lying on his back eyes closed in relaxation. Discreetly as possible I raised the lenses and captured the serene moment, his head flew up as the shutter clicked. Blushing I dropped the camera down.
He motioned me over and together we sat looking out onto the spectacle before us. After a few more comfortable minutes taking in the wonder around me I looked over at Paul and asked, "How did you find this place?"
"I told you I grew up here, but even this place is a little too far and hard to get to for most locals. Sam and I found it a few years back and showed it to the rest of the guys. We use it mainly for cliff diving, I thought you would enjoy it because of the view of the ocean" he explained to me nonchalantly.
"It's beautiful, thank you."
It was his turn to blush as he looked back out at the view, I followed suit.
As I was scanning the view again I noticed a group of four or six people standing on a cliff significantly lower than ours. From where we sat all I could discern was that their skin matched the russet color I was beginning to identify with the natives of the reservation, and that they looked to be in their late teens.
One by one I watched them take turns running at full speed and jumping from the cliff into the water below. They would sink down for enough seconds for me to worry about their well-being before their heads would reappear, bobbing above the surface of the water.
Still watching them I asked Paul, "How do you do it without getting hurt?"
His laugh brought my attention back to him, "There's not much danger in the ones down there, that's thirty feet at max, and the water is deep."
"But this is significantly taller, and yet you just said you jump from here." It just seemed too tall to be possible.
"The guys and I are something of a cliff diving experts," he shrugged.
"I don't believe you," I stated in a matter of fact way.
He looked at me with excitement gleaming in his eyes, "Is that a challenge?" He stood up and started to move towards to edge of the cliff away from me.
From my spot on the rock I quickly grabbed his hand and tugged him back my direction.
"No. I trust you," I pulled imploring him to sit back down next to me, I looked at the spot that he had just left from as if indicating that he should take it.
He smirked at me as he took his seat back, "I wasn't planning on jumping anyways, wouldn't want to leave you up here alone." I laughed and relaxed against the rock once more.
We sat there watching in the distance as shapes one by one jump into the black waters below, after I few minutes I realized I was still grasping Paul's hand and went to disengage just as he took the initiative to intertwine our fingers, "Is this okay?" he asked me looking at our joined hands.
I considered saying no. I should have said no. Prior experiences had told me to say no, that it was not okay. I had told myself to stay wary and cautious and this seemed as if we were getting to be too familiar. Then I looked at him and ended up just nodding to him and allowing the contact.
After we started to relax in the new position we began talking, talking about the easy stuff. He asked me about working at the print shop and I told him about the challenges I had run into.
"My mom would cater it if you asked her," he offered when I told him of my dilemma yesterday. "She can do way more than just dinner food, promise."
"I should have thought of that, thanks for the idea."
I asked him about his childhood growing up in a place like this, and he told me stories of fishing in nearby creeks and spending every day, rain or shine, in these woods. His words told of the passion he felt for the reservation and how much he valued his life here.
All the while we were connected by two palms and ten fingers, holding each other in place. I found myself asking questions, truly curious to hear what he had to say about his friends and life, time passed easy with Paul.
As the sun started getting lower in the sky we knew that we were going to need to start heading back. We stood up and cleaned the little area that we had occupied. Paul took my hand comfortably in his again and started leading me back from the same direction we had come from.
I stopped walking before we were fully enveloped in the trees again and looked back at the view one last time. I took one last mental picture of it before I let Paul escort me back away from our little personal escape.
Author's Note:
Tell me what you think.