A month had passed by and I was no different. I was a shell of a person and clearly had a wake of eggshells around me from all the people who had to tiptoe anywhere near me. I couldn't sleep anymore because every time I tried I would always wake up screaming. I ended up moving into my England team flat because I felt bad waking Alicia up every night. It was harder to stay there though because there were more memories.
I showed up for practice the first day and it was clear I hadn't gotten any sleep the night of the wake.
"Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm fairly confident you are still drunk" Mica said as I walked into the locker room.
"You're not wrong," I said. I couldn't even get my hair into a ponytail before I left this morning.
"Bell...go home. You can try again tomorrow" Oliver said the minute he walked in the door.
"Ollie I'm fine. Just let me practice." I said, I went to try to sit down on the bench in the locker room but missed and landed on my ass.
"Tomorrow" he said, walking past me.
"You really should take today, Katie. Go home and try to get some sleep. The apothecary in Diagon sells dreamless slumber. Get some. Tomorrow is another day." Mica said picking me up off the ground.
So I listen to him. The potion gave me that night of dreamless sleep but the witch at the shop said it wasn't a good idea to take it regularly because it can become habit forming. The next day at practice I at least made it onto my broom. But that was about it. They had pulled someone up from the reserves to replace Jake. He was good but I was still getting used to it. A few times I felt the tears welling up in my eyes against my will. And then during drills multiple times people threw the ball to me and it sailed right past me. The worst was when Mica threw it at me and I was so out of it that it knocked me back and off of my broom. I landed 10 ft later on the ground.
"Bell. Meet me in my office" Oliver said landing next to me and storming off the field. I don't know what was up with calling me Bell all the time lately. He was acting all pissy too. I get it, I'm off my game but that's not enough reason to go all Mcgonagall on me.
I struggled to get up off the ground and followed him into his small office inside the locker room. The second I walked into it there was a strong whiff of firewhisky.
"I'm putting you on mandatory leave effective immediately." He said signing some paperwork on his desk.
I wanted to scream at him. This was trading me all over again. I was struggling and he just turfed me again! But I couldn't. He was right. I was a mess, and looking at him right now I could see he was almost as broken as I was.
"Okay" I said simply.
"You know that it's for your own good, right?" He said, quickly looking up from the papers at me.
"Yeah….I need a break….I'm not helping anything….I'm probably just making it worse" I said.
"Yeah….you kind of are…." He said and ruffled his hair.
"How are you though...seriously? Are you going to be okay?" He asked, leaning back in his chair.
"Yeah…I guess" I said.
"You're a horrible liar…here" He said, pouring me a glass of the whisky.
"Is it a good idea to drink this right now?It's a bit early isn't it?" I was realizing that there was no way this was his first glass of the day.
"…..that doesn't concern you" he said simply and sighed
"Well it does….and I'm sure the managers have noticed as well" I said.
"They won't…" He said with a sigh and stretched his arms out. I started twirling the ring.
"Thinking of him?" Oliver asked after rubbing his hands on his face and pointing to my right hand gripping my left ring finger.
"More or less just going insane" I said staring at the wall behind him.
"Maybe you should try going back to live with Alicia" Oliver suggested…who knows if it was just to get me out of his hair as well for a while.
"I can't do that," I said a bit too quickly.
"Why not?" Oliver asked, looking at me curiously.
"Because I wake her up at night" I said and Oliver's look just became more confused
"I scream in my sleep…it worries her…" I said simply.
He took a sip of whisky and said nothing more.
I sat in my flat that night drinking some wine and wondering what I was going to do now…I started to think about Hogwarts, and how when I used to get upset about silly things like losing a quidditch meet, or when Fred and George got kicked off the team…things that seemed so pointless now, I would go out and sit on this hill next to a giant tree that looked over the Black lake and parts of the Dark Forest. I would sit out there for hours at a time. Once I even fell asleep out there. It was cute because Oliver brought a blanket out for me and sat next to me the whole night to make sure that nothing would happen to me, for he was well aware that I would have been furious at him if he had carried me back to my bed. Of course he killed it by reminding me I had dawn practice as soon as I woke up.
When I woke up the next morning I knew exactly what I needed to do. I was going to go back to Hogwarts. It's exactly what I needed….because I didn't know Jake when I went to Hogwarts. So maybe this would be just the thing to get me back on the right path.
I packed my trunk and left Oliver a note on his door. I apparated to Hogsmeade and began the long and familiar trek up to the castle. I almost died on this road, then not even a year later I was back to take place in one of the bloodiest battles in wizarding history. Home sweet home. There was still a lot of Hogwarts left in disrepair from the war. Mcgonagall left it this way on purpose, she wanted to show the school scars on the outside so no one could ever forget what all happened.
It wasn't until I was at the main doors that I stopped and realized where I was.
"What the fuck am I doing here?" I said out loud looking up at the large doors.
"I had a similar question, but I don't think I would have phrased it in the same manner" squeaked a familiar voice behind me.
"Professor Flitwick, Hi! Sorry about the language. I guess I'm here to talk to Mcgonagall." I said awkwardly as he beamed up at me.
"Certainly, come with me." he smiled.
I followed him up the familiar stairs, through the familiar corridors, finally arriving at the familiar statue in the wall. It was very strange to be standing there to see McGonagall….and not be feeling like I was going to get in trouble. At least, I don't think I'm going to be in trouble. I stepped in the statue as Flitwick said the password so that the stairs appeared.
"It's nice to see you're doing well Miss Bell" Flitwick said with a smile as he walked away.
I knocked on the door and it opened instantly.
"I saw you coming…we had these security devices made that tell us everyone in the building" She said at my shocked expression. She pointed to a large piece of paper on the wall. I couldn't help but laugh when I saw it, because it looked identical to a map that Fred and George had up until my fourth year. It was humorous because that was used for a lot of mischief and now here it was as a form of security.
"So how are you dear?" She asked, offering me the chair in front of her desk.
"Not so well honestly" I knew there was no point to lie.
"What brings you here then?" She asked sitting down behind Dumble…. her desk.
"A need for a sanctuary, I guess. I was wondering if you might not mind if I hung out here for a while…at least just until I get back on my feet a bit" I said calmly and played with my hands a bit.
"What made you decide to come here?" She asked looking over her folded hands. A very Dumbledore move.
"Well I have always been able to think here…and I just need to get my head on straight" I said and looked past her at nothing.
"If it's not too bold to ask…." She said and walked over to pick up my left hand.
"Was that from him?" she then asked cautiously.
"Yes" I said and smiled halfway, trying to hold back the tears.
"In the strangest way it's almost fate that you've come here today….Madame Hooch has recently decided to take some time to herself as well and we find ourselves in need of a new flight teacher…perhaps you wouldn't mind filling in for her for a while…at least until you're better. Maybe just get us through to the holiday break?" McGonagall said.
"Indeed it is a strange fate" I laughed.
"Does this mean you accept the job?" she asked. I honestly had to think about it for a bit. The whole reason I was here was to get away from everything that reminded me of him…quidditch was something that definitely reminded me of him. I had kind of always wanted to teach here though…so it shouldn't be something I should pass up, and who knows maybe if I keep myself busy I'll get my shit together faster.
"I'll do it," I said with a smile that she returned.
"Fantastic, I will show you to your accommodations then." She said, ushering me to the door.
I got out of my chair and followed her through the hallway and up a lot of stairs to a room at the top of a tower somewhat near the Gryffindor tower. It was a circular room with very empty walls.
"You can decorate it however you please" She smirked.
"It's good that way it is for now" I shrugged.
"I'll have a schedule for you at dinner…and I'll introduce you to the students as well" She said and started to go out the door.
"It's nice to see you Katherine" She said and walked away.
At dinner I walked into the great hall and had about five awakenings all at once. In my shell of an existence I almost sat down at the Gryffindor table before I saw the looks of astonishment around me. Then it occured to me that every student in this hall knew who I was, and not as "Kaite Bell- girl who nearly got killed by a necklace" but as "Katie Bell- Quidditch Superstar" or probably even "Katie Bell- superstar with a dead fiance". And lastly, I was meant to be sitting up in the big chairs with the professors. I sat down next to Flitwick who was still beaming up at me and looked around. I looked at the spot at the Gryffindor table where I sat every day for nearly 7 years. There were a few small probably second years gathered there giggling together. Their tiny friendship is still in the beginning of it's adventure. I thought about my friends who sat there with me. Alicia and Angelina are probably so worried about me. I made a mental note to send them an owl after dinner to tell them both I was fine. And the twins, they came back into our lives finally and now I disappeared. I wonder if the four of them made up at the funeral. I wonder if Oliver is still drinking during practices. Hopefully not having me moping around makes things easier for him. And I thought about Lee Jordan, a person who I really hadn't thought about since the last time we were in this very room counting those we lost in the war. Last I knew he had married a muggle woman and moved to Germany or something. It goes without saying that growing up is the strangest and most difficult thing in any world.
I was so occupied in my thoughts I missed that McGonagall had introduced me. Suddenly the room was silent and everyone was staring at me. I stood and waved to a moderate amount of clapping. When I sat, food appeared in front of us and I struggled to eat something.
"How have you been, dear?" Professor Flitwick asked me.
"I'm okay for the moment," I said, trying to smile.
"How has Oliver been?" He asked, it's funny how much people can know about your life when it's in the newspaper everyday.
"He's been handling it in his own ways" I shrugged and my smile disappeared a little.
"I am really sorry for your loss" he said and attempted to put his hand on my shoulder but only reached my elbow. I smiled back at him…or at least I tried to.
After dinner was over I went up into my room and fell on to my bed praying for lack of consciousness.
I'm standing on a quidditch pitch wearing robes that are slightly too large for me. I know it's a dream so I'm waiting to wake up screaming until I look and see Oliver, Fred and George flying together. Fred and George were conducting and singing along to something that was apparently coming from me. Oliver was shaking his head and smiling. He was so young and looked like he hadn't yet begun to carry the weight of the world. Fred and George charmed paper streamers to come from the tips of their wands at the crescendo of the song I was singing and there was twinkle in Oliver's eye as they rained down around him. I woke up to a sound coming from me. I wasn't screaming...I was laughing. I realized this was less a dream and more just reliving a memory. I had forgotten about these times….it was starting to feel like I've just always been depressed. We were all so happy here. I wonder if Oliver and I would ever be like this again…
I woke up the next morning at dawn and got ready for my first day as a professor at Hogwarts. I walked down to breakfast and ate quickly so I could get down to the pitch before anyone else. I now know what it's like to be Oliver in thought almost made me laugh.
I walked down to the pitch and as soon as I got onto it I smiled and ran to the middle and laid down. I had a manic smile across my face for the first time in what feels like years. I reluctantly stood back up as I could see some first year student walking on to the pitch.
I walked over to them as they all grabbed some brooms and put them down at their sides. I walked up to them and put my hands behind my back.
"Good morning class. Because I have no idea where you are in your lessons we are just going to start over from the beginning. Now I need you to show me that you can get your brooms up" I was having a blast teaching. These kids were a lot farther then I had thought though. Most of them were bugging me that they wanted to play quidditch. There was one kid who was continuously wanting to play and his two friends would back him up just because they wanted to play beater. I fought with them to get through their lesson first and then I realized something. The first kid looked exactly like Oliver did in his first year…except this kid wasn't Scottish and had brown eyes, but this kid could play a young Oliver in a movie if they ever made one about him. Then while I was noticing this I looked over at his friends…they were twins…with auburn hair. I had my own little Oliver, Fred, and George. I wanted to take a picture of them and send it to Oliver.
Finally I caved and set up a quidditch game. It was really funny to watch a bunch of little kids that can barely fly trying to play quidditch. I was flying all over below this one girl in case she fell off her broom.
The classes were fun. I hadn't expected to be teaching when I was planning on coming here, but it worked out more perfectly then I could have planned. Before I noticed it I had already been here for a few weeks. I was finally starting to feel more like myself but at the same time still felt empty…and not because I didn't have Jake…but because Alicia, Angelina, Fred, George, and Oliver weren't here with me.
One morning McGonagall came running over to me with the Prophet in her hands. I had told her to keep an eye out for anything important. I knew most of it would be rubbish that I didn't want to see, but didn't want to miss anything either.
I saw instantly on the front page exactly why she had given me this one.
Spring will come, but will England be sprung? Read the headline. The story was about a game last night against Sweden and Oliver was absolutely shitfaced (my wording not theirs) during the game. He let every quaffle go in, even fell off his broom at one point and couldn't make it back up to the hoops before the other team was able to easily score. Then he had the balls to flip out on Andrews for catching the snitch too soon. They lost the game and the managers were furious at Oliver. Andrews said he caught the snitch just to end the embarrassment. They gave him a month's probation to sober up before they give away his spot permanently. The next game for England is in March and if they don't win that game then they'll not even qualify for the final groups.
I honestly laughed out loud when I read it. I couldn't believe it and stopped having normal emotional responses to things for sure. Flitwick came and sat down with his newspaper and looked over at me strangely.
"Did you read the story about Oliver?" Flitwick asked me perplexed as to how I could be laughing if I had.
"I'm reading it right now" I said and he looked as if he was trying to determine if I had been confunded or worse.
"It's horrible isn't it…I never would have thought of Oliver to be a drunk." He said choosing to just ignore my response.
Leave it to Oliver to go from 'Oliver Wood famous quidditch player' to 'Oliver Wood…oh yeah that drunk guy'
I played with my breakfast a bit but didn't eat much. The other professors came and went around me. Flitwick had long given up on having a sensible conversation with me about it and was now clearly trying with the other members of staff.
"He really was a good student when he was here, never worried about anything other than quidditch. He was particularly good at charms as well." I heard him telling one of the newer professors at the other side of the table.
"All I know is that if he keeps up like this England won't have a chance once the cup comes up!" The professor said firmly. He was an older plump man with gray balding hair. I saw him look over at me and then lean closer to Flitwick.
"With McDermott gone and Bell along with him, if we lose Wood there won't be any of the team left" The man tried to whisper as best as he could, but I could still hear what he was saying.
I gave it some time and then walked away from the table so that he didn't suspect his comment was the reason behind my departure.
I went out and sat in the middle of the pitch. Well I was sitting at first but it slowly turned into me on my side in a ball bawling. The closer I got to feeling more like myself the less I felt like I had any control over my emotions. I suppose that going from inappropriate laughter to balling my eyes out was better than just being a shell of nothingness. But it felt worse somehow.
This wasn't working as planned. I was lonelier than I ever had been in my life. I thought my seventh year was bad, but at least I had some other friends there that I could talk to…now everyone seemed either centuries younger than me…or older.
"You look like Wood after we'd lose a game" I heard a familiar voice. I didn't want to turn around because I was certain that it was some sort of an illusion. This must be the next step in my mental breakdown. Then suddenly two red blobs blocked out my sun.
"Wow…my imagination is right on it…it even thought to block out the sun" I mumbled.
"Kates….get up" George said, pulling me up onto my feet and I just looked at the two images waiting for them to disappear before I went up to the hospital wing.
"Katie, you're not imagining us," Fred said.
"We're really here" George continued.
"We were checking in on the store in Hogsmeade and heard you were here" Fred finished.
I just stared at them blankly.
"What will it take to get you to realize that we are here?" George asked.
"I have no idea…I think this is it, I'm officially batty…Is there a reality anymore" I shrugged.
"Well we did tell you that we would be here for Christmas" Fred explained ignoring me.
"And it is the middle of December," George nodded.
"Is it really?!" I said shocked looking around.
"Yeah…" Fred said.
"What's the date?" I asked.
"Um the 23" George said.
I just stared at him…and then the tears came. How the hell had it been a month since Jake died! And the most confusing part is that it had felt like it had been years and forever that I had been without him….but I kept telling myself that it had only been a few days or a few weeks not a month…exactly.
I fell back onto the ground like a marionette with cut strings. Fred and George just stared at each other unsure of how to handle this situation.
"Kates, what's wrong..." Fred asked cautiously.
I started crying again.
"Maybe she was right and really did go insane" George said, waving his hand in front of my face.
"Great now even my hallucinations think I'm insane" I said and tried to pull it together.
"It's been a month….already a month…and only a month…" come to think of it I was wondering what had happened to all of the students, I guess Christmas break makes sense.
"How long have you been like this?" Fred asked.
"Not long…I don't think. I haven't been talking to anyone. In a way I think this is actually an improvement" I said honestly. I managed to sit back up again.
"Wow…I never thought I'd see the day when Katie Bell wouldn't have anything to say" George said and I laughed.
"Wow…." I said, wiping my eyes with the backs of my hands.
"I think that's the first time I've really laughed in a month. At least not at my own idiosyncrasies" I said, trying to smile.
"Well then it's good we are here!" George said with one of his famous proud smiles.
"Remember that one time we made paint cover you and Oliver on those hoops" Fred said laughing and pointing to the goal hoops on the other side of the pitch
"Yep" I laughed and remembered a certain quidditch game that happened not too long ago…I smiled causing some tears to flow from my eyes again.
"And the time we put cellophane wrap in the holes so that neither quaffle nor Oliver made it through?" George said and I laughed and remembered Oliver flying into a clear forcefield in the highest hoop like a fly on a windscreen.
"That must have been some really strong wrap," I said laughing.
"Magically enhanced," George said proudly.
"I'm glad you guys are here," I said and hugged George and then Fred.
"We figured you would be," Fred said with an overly seductive wink.
I laughed and punched him in the shoulder.
"So, are you going home for the holidays?" Fred asked.
"Yeah… McGonagall said she had a new teacher coming after Christmas…so I'm going home for good any day now I guess" I shrugged.
"Did you find what you were looking for here?" George asked.
"I don't really know what I was expecting, but I am starting to feel like I'm putting some pieces back together, I think" I shrugged.
"You're not going to find all the pieces here anymore" Fred said as he came over and wrapped his arms around me pulling me into a hug.
"Yeah, it is probably time for me to head back and face the world for what it is now" I said and George joined the hug.
"Oh good…you can go back with us…so that it will be awkward for the three of us instead of just Fred and I" George laughed.
"Sounds like a deal" I laughed and we all walked back to my room to go pack.
We were walking through the halls when McGonagall saw us.
"Oh Katie, I'm glad I found you…the new professor is here so you are free to go whenever you feel ready…Oh Mr. Weasley…and Mr. Weasley… when did you get here?" She said as she got to us in the hall.
"Just a bit earlier," George said.
"Came to convince Katie to come back home for Christmas" Fred added.
"And I'm going to" I said and smiled at her.
"Well good…you were starting to worry me…to be honest" She chuckled with her signature tight lipped smile. She patted my shoulder and continued down the corridor.
"Yeah. That seems about right" I chuckled.
"Wow…this room just screams happiness and joy" Fred said sarcastically as we entered my blank room.
"It's a wonder you did recuperate instantly. It's like a zen retreat in here" George added.
"Yeah well I never thought to decorate" I shrugged.
I packed up my stuff and we were off to probably the most awkward Christmas ever.