I decided to call Alicia before we left. My mobile doesn't work on the grounds so I had to go to the edge of Hogsmeade.
"Katie!?" Alicia answered the phone.
"Hey, Leesh" I said guiltily.
"Are you okay? Why are you calling?" there was clear panic in her voice.
"Yeah I'm fine. I'm coming home" I responded.
"Really? That's great!" She could tell there had to be more motive behind my call. I could hear a level of caution in her tone even though she was trying to hide it.
"Yeah. But I'm not coming alone...Fred and...well Fred and George are with me" I said awkwardly.
"Oh." She responded.
"If that's okay. They can probably go to Oliver's. I'm just not really sure what sort of state he is currently in" I rushed to say.
"No. No, it's fine" she said in a voice that was a little too high pitched.
"I assume they are to thank for bringing you home, they should come here. We should all be together for the holiday. They can even crash here if they need a place to stay" She said back down in her normal tone.
"Okay. We'll be there soon. I just wanted to give you...I guess a warning" I said before hanging up and walking back down the road to meet up with twins.
"So she's good. Even said you can stay with us if you need a place" I said when they walked out of their shop.
"Oof….I'm not too sure about that." George said, rubbing the back of his neck.
"I mean it's better than staying at the Cauldron, and the family is going to Romania to visit Charlie and his new wife." Fred shrugged.
"Would it make you happy Kates?" George asked.
"That is an event that has a chance to awaken my ability to be happy" I said in a slight monotone.
"Then we are doing it," Fred announced, shaking his head at me.
We apparated together to the alley near Alicia and my flat. I knocked when we made it the door.
"Why are you knocking, you live here" Alicia said when she opened it.
"It felt more normal" I shrugged and she hugged me.
We walked into the living room and stood around awkwardly for a bit.
"I decided to throw a bit of a party. For Christmas, and that you three are home" She said after a pause.
"That's going to be a blast…everyone will be extremely awkward, Oliver will be drunk, and I'll probably end up bursting into tears and talking to myself in the corner." I laughed.
"Whelp, I thought maybe it would help..." Alicia said quietly.
"I'm sorry Leesh. Don't listen to me. Apparently I'm a raging bitch for no reason in addition to spontaneous bouts of tears or laughter." I apologize.
"When's the party going to be?" Fred asked, ignoring me.
"I was thinking maybe tomorrow. I already sent owls to Ange and Oliver. Is there anyone else you'd want to invite?" She answered.
"That sounds perfect, I'm going to go unpack" I said and went into my room plopping down onto my bed.
I was in my room maybe five minutes before I heard Alicia's fake laugh as she got to my door. She came in and I heard the twins listening to the radio in the living room.
"So this is uncomfortable…" Alicia said, sitting down on my bed.
"But I really am so thrilled that you're back home" she continued.
"Yeah… I'm glad I'm back with you guys again too" I said, thinking about it for a bit.
"It was weird… at Hogwarts I found myself missing you lot more than I was missing Jake" I said, not believing I had just said that out loud.
"Well you have a lot of memories with us there" She said.
"I could always hear you crying when you would stay up late to watch the slides and go through pictures." She said with a half smile and I was silent
"I think we all miss those times though" She said with a sigh and looked towards the door.
"I think he misses you too" I said with a smirk and she turned to glare at me.
"Don't." Alicia said sternly.
"Well I am insane, but I still know that you two are meant to be together" I defied.
"I assume you've heard about Oliver?" Alicia said.
"Random change of topic" I threw a small stuffie at her.
"Good…but not really" she smirked. Now I was the one glaring.
"Yeah… I've heard…but I knew before I left" I finally said.
"He called about the party…he just wanted to know if there would be beer" she sighed.
"And"
"I told him yes," she laughed.
"And will there be?" I asked.
"Of course not… but he won't know that until we get him here and lock the door" She smiled evilly.
"You devious little thing" I laughed.
"Well I'm going to go to bed" She said and hopped up off of mine.
"Alright" I said and folded over my duvet to get underneath it.
"So you're doing alright now?" She asked.
"Yeah….I guess. I might just make it out of this somewhat okay" I said and smiled a bit.
She gave a big hug and walked towards her room.
I turned off my light and the music stopped in the living room.
"Night Alicia" I yelled because our walls were paper thin and it was once tradition when we first moved in.
"Night Katie" She yelled back.
"Night Katie" I heard one of the boys yell.
"Night George" I yelled.
"That was Fred, but I say goodnight too" George yelled.
"Oh well, goodnight Fred" I yelled.
"Goodnight Fred and George!" I heard Alicia yell.
"Night Alicia" They both yelled but not at all in unison.
I was actually happy to be home… and most importantly…I was remembering what it was like to be happy.
It was guaranteed that the next few days were going to be some of the more awkward situations that the four of us have put each other in. I mean what's not to be awkward? I've gone insane at the loss of probably the love of my life, the man who had become my best friend was a lush as a result of me losing said love for some reason, George and Alicia can't bear to be in the same room together for more than ten minutes because neither them will just put on their big wizard robes, say sorry, and get married already, and then we have Angelina and Fred still pretending like we don't all know that they are madly in love and always have been. They don't even try to act mad at each other or anything. Just stand quietly in the corner and blush a lot. It's the kind of thing that makes a person want to shake them and scream "Just snog already!"
"Morning Kates," George said, as I walked into the main room the morning of the party.
"Where's Alicia?" I asked.
"At work," He answered.
"Oh yeah… jobs… well where's Fred?" I started to pour a bowl of cereal.
"Visiting our brother Bill….he lives nearby" He said looking at the TV trying to figure out how to turn it on.
"You're almost as bad as your dad. Why didn't you go with him?" I walked over turning it on for him.
"Because I can't stand being near Fleur for more than a few minutes anymore, especially since they've had Victorie… plus we didn't know if it was okay to leave you on your own yet" George said quietly at the end.
"I've been fine on my own for a month" I protested, going back to my bowl of cereal.
"So you say…but then we come home and you're curled up in a ball on the couch" he shrugged.
"That sounds fine to me," I said, taking a bite.
"Exactly…how are you doing these days?" He asked, looking back at me from the couch.
"I'm improving I think…I'm getting past the horribly sad part and into the just mad at the whole world part" I said with my mouth full and a shrug.
"Oh…well it's a good thing I'm not part of the world" George said with a smile
"I suppose that's why I can never be mad at you" I laughed
"No, that's because you secretly fancy me and don't know how to tell me" he winked.
"Oh is that it…" I said laughing at him
"It's funny how it feels like you've never left me" I added sitting down next to him.
"Yeah…if I could go back in time I would have never left anyone" he said in a very serious tone
"By the way…what ever happened to you being on the Irish Team?"
"Ha….it was a publicity thing for that one game. They wanted people to watch the game even though it was just a friendly and we wanted to promote the new store in Dublin." He laughed.
"Interesting" I said, finishing my cereal.
"Want to go for a walk…it's a beautiful day out" He said after he had gotten up and locked out the window.
"A beautiful day in December?" I asked from the couch.
"I said beautiful not warm" he grinned.
"They mean the same to me," I smiled.
"Well go get your coat on and let's go" George said, pulling me off of the couch by one of my arms.
I got my coat and George and I started out the door. It was freezing but George seemed to love it.
"How are you so happy about being so cold?" I yelled as he was twirling around in the snow.
"I don't know. Suppose I've always just liked the cold" He smiled.
"You're crazy!" I tried to tuck my neck into my shoulders like a turtle.
"This coming from a girl who is convinced that she is," he laughed.
"Takes one to know one, I guess." I attempted to shrug but it didn't really work since my shoulders were already touching my ears.
"Oh wow" he said laughing at me and proceeded to throw a snowball which hit me in the shoulder.
At this point I wasn't really bothered by it because I had my hood up and had a scarf covering most of my face.
"So what ever happened to you and Oliver?" George asked out of the blue as we were walking through a park.
"What?" I wasn't expecting a question like that.
"You and Oliver…why did you two break up?" he repeated.
"I have no idea honestly…it just got toxic quickly for some reason. We fought constantly about nothing and everything. Maybe we tried too soon after reconnecting. Guess we were just only ever meant to be friends" I said and stared off into the distance thinking. I had thought about it a bit up at Hogwarts. He and I were so happy in school, and so unhappy as adults. Obviously we've both been through a lot, but it didn't feel like we were that different of people.
"Strange" He said and looked off into the distance as well and kicked a pile of snow.c
"What is?" I said looking back at him
"I don't know… I always just pictured you and Oliver being together in the end" he said looking back at me
"Just like everyone else thought you and Alicia would end up together" I snapped a bit too quickly back at him and he winced.
"Sorry….apparently that hit a sore spot" I said after a bit of silence and George smiled.
"It's okay," He said, still smiling for whatever reason.
"Do you think Alicia will ever forgive me?" George asked after we had been walking in silence for a bit.
"I think you won't have to try as hard as you think" I said in my Katie the Wise voice and he plastered a humongous smile on his face.
"Do you think that you'll ever give Oliver another chance?" He said after a few feet of silence.
"I look at Oliver as sort of a been there done that kind of thing" I said looking up to him and he was smiling and giggling.
"Oh not like that!" I said and then laughed as well.
Suddenly I noticed that my surroundings seemed familiar. We were walking down a road to a small park a few feet away. It was just a small patch of grass with a few benches and what not. I instantly recognized it. I played football there once…which means one thing.
"That's the building that Jake lived in," I said, stopping in front of it.
"Really?" George said in shock, clearly not intending it to be a stop on our walking tour.
"Yep…" I said and just took a deep breath.
"Ya okay?" He asked, putting his arm around my shoulder.
"…..I will be" I said and smiled as a tear slowly came out of my one eye
"Ready to keep walking yet?" He asked.
"Yeah…." I said and started to walk again. He gave me a big hug from the side and patted me on the top of my head.
We walked a while more before either one of us talked.
"He seemed like a cool guy," George said first.
"Yeah…he was," I said. It was still weird to talk about him in the past tense. That is probably one of the most difficult parts of grieving for me. I come to terms with the idea that the person is no longer around pretty easily, but then everyone is talking about what they did, liked, who they were . It's simple but it weighs heavy in my mind for years after someone dies.
We walked along in silence some more when suddenly a snowball appeared out of nowhere and hit me in the back. I heard George start cracking up and I swirled around to see a bit of red hair in the distance behind me.
"FREDRICK WEASLEY!" I shouted and bent over to attempt to make a snowball but ended up with a wad of sludge. Though it was well below freezing it hadn't snowed in many days. Nevertheless I threw that with a chaser's precision and it hit him directly in the face.
"I surrender!" He shouted as he wiped off his face. I laughed and gave him a peace treaty hug. We decided to walk to Alicia's shop to get some drinks to warm up.
As we walked through the door it was like walking through a curtain of instant awkwardness as the only people in the building were Alicia and Angelina.
"It's so cold out!" I complained to Alicia trying to cut the awkwardness as soon as possible.
"I'm shocked that you're out" Alicia said, she charmed me over a cup of tea.
"It's not by my choice of course" I said and glared at George who in turn smiled goofily at Alicia.
"Well it's good you're all here! We were just about to leave and go clean up the flat. Oh and Oliver is bringing a new girlfriend" Alicia said trailing off and re establishing the awkwardness stronger than ever.
"Oh…well that's weird. But cool, I hope she's a cool person" I said trying to pass off that this was totally normal, expected, and not at all awkward. I saw George shooting me a funny look out of the corner of my eye.
"What?" I asked.
"Oh Nothing" He said and still stood there smiling with his hands in his front pockets and I glared at him thinking it might make him crack.
"Anyway… shall we head home?" Alicia said, putting up the last chair in the shop and grabbing her keys and coat.
Fred and Angelina were already waiting by the door smiling and blushing at each other.
We walked out the door and all apparated into an alley closer to the building then the shop. Everyone went inside and I slowly followed. We really needed more awkwardness in this group. George clearly thought I was going to be jealous of this girl, and that's not it at all, it's awkward because they will all expect me to be awkward about it….or something like that. Maybe she'll be great and just what he needed to sober up and get over all of this.
The weirdest part of this whole night is? That if Jake hadn't died then I would be going to this party on his arm talking to everyone about my wedding plans…it's so weird to think about wedding plans…..why is that….a month ago I was secretly naming our children before I even thought that he was going to ask me to marry him and now just because he's gone it's weird to think that I would be planning a wedding.
Before I knew it I was sitting on the couch in our flat crying as everyone was busy cleaning everything all around me. I don't even remember walking into the building…or taking off my coat. I was just sitting here all alone….and yet there were four people running all around me.
It was like one of those times where it feels like everyone and everything around you is going at super speed and yet you're not moving fast enough. I was sitting on my couch watching the blurs of colours rush by me and sometimes the blur would stop to show Alicia talking to me…but I couldn't hear her. I wonder if this is what dying is like… people die from broken hearts in real life sometimes… maybe I should have someone check me to see if I'm having a heart attack.
"Am I having a heart attack?" I said to one of the blurs who happened to be George.
"Do you feel like you're having one?" he asked
"I don't know…what does it feel like to be dying?" I asked, checking my pulse.
"Well what has led you to believe that you are dyeing?" he sat down on the couch next to me.
"Everyone seems to be going in super speed and I'm going slower than normal," I explained.
"That would be anxiety… you worried about something?" he said, raising one eyebrow.
"No…I was just thinking about my wedding that's never going to happen" I said looking down at my ring.
"Oh…." George said and he looked down to see the ring as well.
"Just relax… you're not dying" He said laughing and patting my shoulder. As he left I saw Alicia watching us, she smiled at George as he walked away.
"Here" George said, handing me a glass of wine.
"Trying to turn me into Oliver?" I asked looking at it.
"I mean don't over do it. But it will at least take the edge off. Fred and I made a potion for the shop meant to ease tension and I'll let you in on a trade secret...it's basically just red wine and chocolate." He said whispering the last bit and sitting down next to me.
I chuckled and took a sip of the wine.
"The other trick. Breathe. Here, close your eyes." He said. I obeyed.
"Imagine you're on your broom back at the Hogwarts pitch, now imagine you are flying at an easy pace from one set of hoops to the other, now when you get to the hoops turn around and start breathing in. Now breathe in for the duration of the trip back to the first set of hoops. Then turn around and breathe out on the way back, and repeat until your speed is the same as everyone around you." He patted my shoulder and I felt him leave the couch.
I kept my eyes close and did what he said. I chuckled to myself that not only did George know exactly how long it took to fly at "an easy pace" from one of that pitch to the other, he knew that of course I would and that it would act as my happy place. By the time I did three laps and took another sip of wine I could feel the tension releasing from my shoulders some.
When I finally opened my eyes I noticed that Fred and Angelina and George and Alicia were mingling…which was humorous being that they have only been around each other for a day.
I was about to get off that couch and decide to be the third wheel for one of the pairs when the door burst open. I thought we were being robbed by some sort of exotic dancer but then I noticed that she had a very familiar drunk person on her arm.
"Well now the party is here" I said accidentally out loud and Fred clearly heard me as he snorted into his butterbeer.
"Sorry I'm late," Oliver slurred as he stumbled in the door. He looked absolutely horrible. He had a shirt on that looked like he had been wearing it for the past month, it had a number of highly suspicious stains on it that I didn't even want to think about. He hadn't shaved in who knows how long…or showered.
"Everyone, this is Geri. Geri, this is everyone!" He said, throwing his arms in her direction like he was showcasing some kind of game show winnings. .
He is going to kill himself if he keeps on like this! Where did this come from? He has never been this careless about anything in his life. He clearly doesn't even mind that he got booted from the team. All this because Jake died? That can't be right.
"And this is Katie," Oliver's voice said, pulling me out of my thoughts. I could smell his breath from about ten feet away. Get a match and call this man a dragon, Merlin's beard.
"Oh I don't remember you telling me about her" The girlfriend said. Well fuck you too Oliver, you're my best friend and you don't even tell your girlfriend about me. That aside, not going to tell her I'm your ex? That seems like a stable framework for a great relationship.
"And where is that other girl that you're always talking about?" the girl asked.
"Oh she's not part of this group" Oliver said and gave the girl a weird look as if to tell her not to ask anymore questions. Another girl he is always talking about? Do I actually know nothing about him? Here I've been thinking he's become my best friend in the last year but what do I actually know about him? What do I know about his life between the war and when we caught back up. Maybe he has changed after all.
Geri went over and sat in one of the chairs at our breakfast bar and looked as if she was about to pass out the whole time…then again so did Oliver. He had his arm around Fred and it was clear Fred was the only thing keeping him vertical. He was yelling about how Fred should just make a move on Angelina so that we could stop having to deal with their silly blush conversations. And here I thought the awkwardness was going to increase because of people's concerns for me.
"I guess there goes my chance at getting the life of the party award." George said to me as Alicia ran over with a bucket for Oliver's arm warmer to be sick in.
"And you honestly think that I will ever fancy that again" I said to him nodding towards Oliver still loudly coaching Fred how to make his move.
"Well you are obviously jealous of his girlfriend" George said, resting his arm on my shoulder and leaning on me.
"You really are crazy" I glared at him out of the corner of my eye.
"I don't know….I can see the anger in your eyes" he smirked.
"I'm angry because one of my best friends is killing himself" I pushed his arm off and turned to face him directly.
"He's acting this way because he thinks it will help him get over the loss of a loved one just like you thought ignoring the world and crying would help" he said, still smirking.
"He didn't even like Jake that much!" I said, throwing my arms up.
"Oh sweet innocent child" George said shaking his head and he walked away to talk to Alicia again.
I plopped back down on my couch and fiercely grabbed my pillow clinging to it like a koala. He was just talking out his ass. Oliver hasn't lost anyone, obviously we both lost Jake, but that isn't enough of a reason to be like this. This can't happen. He can't be like this.
"Oliver I need to speak to you… privately" I said, shooting up from my seat.
"Anywhere you want" He said with his arm still around Fred and somehow he had hooked Angelina around the other one. They both looked terrified and thankful for saving them. I looked around and the only separate rooms available were mine and Alicia's room…so to save myself from any other conflicts I picked Alicia's room.
"Alicia's room…NOW" I said grabbing his arm and marching him in there.
"Alright Alright…but my girl is here so I can't promise anything fun" He slurred and nudged me with his elbow.
Once we got into the room I threw him down on the bed, he smiled and I pointed my wand at the door so that it closed and people couldn't listen to our conversation.
"Oliver, what the fuck is wrong with you!?" I screamed at the sound of the closing of the door.
"What do you mean?" He slurred still with a ridiculous smile on his face.
"You're killing yourself! And you got kicked off of the team! When have you ever thought about anything other than quidditch?!" I was screaming so loud I was starting to cry.
"I can think about one thing," he said slyly.
"I'm going to pretend to not know what you mean," I said, still tears flowing.
"You usually do" he mumbled and I glared at him.
"And are you kidding me with her?!" I screamed pointing towards the door.
"She's my girlfriend and I wanted her to meet you guys" He tried to say defiantly.
"Oh come on Oliver, she isn't going to help your situation any" I cried.
"She helps some situations" he waggled his eyebrows and I scoffed.
"You're ridiculous, you know that? When did you turn into a drunk man whore?" I put my hand to the bridge of my nose.
"There has only ever been one other girl in this world that I've wanted. I've never been able to keep her so I have to find ways to fight the loneliness." Like the sun coming out from behind a cloud, this statement was said with complete sobriety. It hit me like a dagger to the heart. But just as quickly as it came out, the sobriety went away and he leaned over and was sick onto Alicia's floor. I cast scourgify and sank to the floor next to the bed.
"You still have us. You can't just drink yourself to death. You still have me" I said quietly.
"Do I?" He said quietly. Suddenly I could hear him snoring and could tell that he had passed out.
I walked out into the main room, tears still streaming down my face.
"Is everything okay?" Alicia asked.
"I don't know. Someone needs to take Oliver and Geri home unless you don't mind sharing your bed" I said and walked into my room closing the door behind me.
I could hear the hussle of everyone figuring out what to do about Oliver and Geri. I cocooned myself in all my blankets on my bed and just tried to shut everything out. I was so broken, helpless, and confused right now. Oliver was ready to let Jake propose to me, yet now that Jake was dead he was distraught that he had lost me. I was still his friend. I loved him. It killed me to see him like this, I thought about what he said when he gave me the ring. He couldn't give it to me when I first woke up because he couldn't cause me that much pain. But he expects me to just sit back and watch him ruin his life for some reason over me? I can't lose Jake AND him. That would be the final blow. My horcrux is Oliver Wood and if he goes there is nothing left of my soul. I guess that's not exactly how horcruxes work but still.
Maybe he expected me to reject the ring? Maybe I would have. How the hell am I supposed to know now. It's not like it really matters, does it? He's dead. Can't really marry a dead guy. Am I supposed to just live the rest of my life never falling in love again because he was the one that almost proposed to me? I'm not even 25.
"Whelp, smashing party Leesh… Merry Christmas!" I heard George saying.
"Thanks, you almost had Katie calm and happy at one point," She said. I could hear clinking dishes.
"No one could have stopped that trainwreck. I hope Fred and Angelina have some luck talking to him in the morning. I wish I never taught Katie about imperturbable charms so we could have some idea what they said." George said. They were trying to speak quietly but like I said before, super thin walls. I assume they thought I had fallen asleep since I've been in my room festering on my thoughts for over an hour.
"I mean. I have some ideas. God, this group really turned into a real mess haven't we?" He chuckled.
"Speak for yourself" He laughed.
"I was including us specifically" she said more seriously.
"I know" he was also suddenly serious.
"I am sorry, you know. I want to push it off to just being young and dumb but we both know it's a copout." He said in a tone I had never heard from him.
"There was a lot going on" she sniffed, must be crying.
"There is always a lot going on" he chuckled softly.
"Think Fred is going to take Wood's advice?" Alicia giggled.
"He did this morning" George chuckled and I could hear the sound of Alicia hitting him.
"WHAT!?" she yelled.
"Shh!" he laughed. They clearly thought I was asleep.
"He went over before going to Bill's, professed his undying love for her and she jumped his bones in her kitchen" George laughed.
"That bitch! Why didn't she tell me!?" Alicia laughed.
"Fred barely told me. He finally fested up when we were cleaning earlier because he seemed ungodly chipper. He said he didn't want to tell me because he didn't want it to feel like there was any pressure one me now" he said.
"Is this where you profess your undying love for me then?" Alicia laughed.
"Psh, I did that years ago." He laughed back at her.
"Touche" she responded.
"I've never forgiven myself for just letting you go by the way. And not just because you're filthy rich now" She joked.
"Oh yeah? Is that what does it for you?" He asked. I was starting to feel invasive listening to this conversation. I dug my arm out of my cocoon and reached around on my end table for my wand.
"That among some other things…" Alicia basically purred. I grabbed my wand and put a silencing spell around me.
The next few weeks went by in a bit of a blur. Fred and Angelina had tried to have a bit of an intervention for Oliver the morning after the party but he just stormed out of Angelina's house shouting that there was no way they'd ever understand and no one had heard from him since. I found myself checking the headlines to make sure he hadn't washed up in some ditch somewhere or something.
Both Fred and Angelina, and George and Alicia were fully established couples now. They each took turns forcing me to be their third wheel out for dinner or other dates to just keep me moving. I still didn't feel like I could go back to quidditch yet. Even though he was on probation I wasn't ready to face Oliver again yet. I still had no idea what to do about him, or even how I really felt anymore.
George mentioned one night when we were watching a football game back at the flat that I wasn't screaming at the screen in my usual fashion. I tried to pass it off just that it was because it was a previously recorded game that I had seen, but I hadn't, I just didn't feel like saying anything. I hadn't been crying anymore either. I guess I've regressed back into just being a shell. But I had moments watching the couples where I was sincerely happy, I was happy for their happiness and love, but I was happy to be here to share it with them. There were moments that could almost feel like the old gang again, but I was hyper aware that I was just an outsider watching from the sidelines no matter how desperately they tried to include me.