Thanks for everyone for sticking with this - ugh you have no idea how grateful I am. Keep on commenting and let me know what you think! -A
"Yes." She squinted a little at the light in Miranda's doorway. "Yeah, I think so."
She felt a lot less embarrassed being here compared to last week when she snuck out. Somehow, being intoxicated and vulnerable gives you a bit more self esteem than getting 'rescued' and having a giant hangover.
The living room looks different than when she worked for Miranda and delivered the books weekly. Warmer colors, and a brighter rug. There is now a softer, fluffier couch, unlike the big boxy thing that used to be there. The twins' influence, perhaps? Some things remain the same though. Fresh cut flowers by the window sill, not a spot of cluster, and tightly drawn curtains.
"Andrea?"
That's the second time Miranda's spoke of Andy's name in the last five minutes, and Andy was particularly aware of it because of how much she enjoyed the way it sounded. There was a touch of tenderness, hesitation, almost as if Miranda was asking for permission. She realized that she's been taking in the living room perhaps a bit too long, but for the first time, she did not feel the need to rush to snap back to reality. For the first time in a long time, she didn't feel like she needed to offer an explanation to Miranda. So she just stood in the foyer of this woman's house - the woman she has been in love with for 4 years and tried to move on from for those exact years.
There was a sudden clarity in that moment. For the first time, Andy wasn't trying to actively repress how she felt towards Miranda, no regretting, no hurting, and no self bashing of how she led the woman break her heart. No blaming herself for how she led herself wish for the dreamiest realities, for the best case scenario. For a possible future with Miranda. No shaming herself in having wasted time and energy and people for all these years all because of Miranda.
Because in that moment, she remembered why she had hoped for the best. Why after that night, she was so, so thrown that Miranda had pretended like it was nothing. And why she was so irrevocably hurt and why it had taken her so many years to try to get over Miranda and most importantly, why she still wasn't over her.
It was the look in Miranda's eyes. The same look she gave Andy the night it happened, when Andy told her in barely comprehensible stutter that she did not "not" like Miranda. It was the same look the next morning, in the seconds of hesitance before Miranda perfected her indifference. The same look at the benefit when she said she wished for them to be friends.
"Miranda, do you love me?"
Maybe it was impatience. Andy had wanted to know for so long. This has been such a struggle for her for so, so long. Maybe she was just so tired. The kind of tired where she rushed from thing to thing and people to people without really being able to bear staying in the present, because staying for too long meant remembering the person she loved that she couldn't have. The kind of tired one gets when they've lied to themselves for too long. Andy knew that it had meant something for Miranda. She has always known that. But Miranda's refusal to accept that fact herself shattered Andy's belief and instead, she chose to trust what came out of Miranda's mouth. That it meant nothing. That she meant nothing. That there was nothing between them that was anything more than a night of drunken affair because of their intense vulnerability in the moment. Maybe her body demanded to know, to voice one last time what she truly felt, not the story Miranda decided to tell, but the story Andy was there for. The one she existed in too.
"Andrea, I don't think..."
"Just tell me." She paused and added, "Please."
It wasn't a plead as much as a demand. For an answer she deserved. And Andy finally sensed the inevitable approach of closure. She knew that, whatever came out of Miranda's mouth - whatever truth she decided to embrace, would put an end to this - whatever one would call these past 4 years in Andy's life. Because finally, after all this time, Andy knew the truth herself, that Miranda has loved her all along, and nothing Miranda said or believed- none of Miranda's narratives, could change her mind. And Andy made a promise to herself that no matter what happens, she would never question that truth again.