Madness

~ Too Little Too Late ~

"Don't fight it; once you're old enough you can go through a sex change. It's best to embrace your feminine side, Nagisa."

I don't remember why I let her have her way. Was it out of respect? Or was it out of fear? This woman is so desperate for a girl, why doesn't she just go ahead and adopt one? She clearly doesn't like having a son.

"You should just put on the girl's uniform instead."

"Yeah, Nagi-chan!"

"Hahaha!"

When did their teasing begin to hurt? When did I become self conscious about my outer appearance? Probably a long time ago...But I won't say anything. No. Because it's better to embrace it... Embrace it...

No.

Fuck this.

I don't want to follow all of your orders. I won't stand to hear you talk about my gender. I'm not going to act like a girl, wear my hair long or any of that useless shit. I am my own person. I am not a girl. I'm not a doll. I'm a person, and I'm going to live my life by my own rules.

"Nagisa, what is the answer to this problem?" Ono sensei is staring at me expectantly.

I'm supposed to know this stuff?

"No clue." I answered coldly, standing up and leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you are going?!"

I don't want to be here. I don't want to hear these people talk on and on about quantum physics, and whatever crap that won't be used in a normal day-to-day basis. I should disappear... cut my hair and start fresh.

I used a pocket knife borrowed from a friend, and I cut off my long hair leaving it all jagged and short, tickling at the nape of my neck. It feels good to not have heavy hair anymore..

It feels good to do something for me, not because someone told me to.

I like rebelling.

"This is unacceptable!" she yells, shoving the report card in my face. "You got a 0 on your exams! You're lucky they didn't expel you!"

"That would just tarnish their reputation."

It came out as a mutter.. She didn't hear it, or probably didn't care about it. She touches my hair and scowls.

"Nagisa.. what is this?"

"It's called hair, mother."

"I don't know where this disrespectful behavior is coming from, but I don't want to hear any more of it! Go to your room. From now on I want you coming home immediately after school. Those friends of yours - get rid of them. Friends are for people who deserve them. And right now. You. Do not."

She takes away my phone and deletes all the contacts. She keeps only our house number and her cell in. She goes so far as to get rid of Dad's number. Earlier, I might have cared. Might have been upset.

But I'm not now.

After a while, you realize those so called friends are all a bunch of fakes. I was a fake. I was a doll.. someone who just did everything I was told. But now, I'm not.

Or I'd like to not be.

No matter what I do. She still manages to pull strings and keep me in line. Or maybe I just don't have the courage to step out.

The reason I always obey? It's fear. It's always been fear, hasn't it? It's clearing away all of those rebellious thoughts, erasing the slate and killing any desire for independence..

These chains around me have kept me for so long, I don't know how to escape them. When I thought to escape.. It was too little too late.