A/N: I read "Humans Say the Darndest Things" by The Marvelous Mad Madam Mim, and it inspired me to write my own version of what happens when the Jellicle cats discover fanfiction. It's also partly based on an old story of mine in which the Jellicle cats actually performed the musical…but we don't talk about that *nervous laughter* I'll probably post it on here someday…maybe…we'll see *nervous laughter intensifies*

In this story, the cats look how they are in the 1998 film and stage productions. The Jellicle world in this story is based off my usual headcanon. For a detailed, character-by-character description, check out "Pseudonym677's Cats Headcanons: An Alphabetical Reference Guide." But you don't have to read that for this to make sense. Also keep in mind: this is MY headcanon. Agree with me if you want, but y'all feel free to write whatever ships and headcanons you want because you're valid and awesome and amazing.

On that note, this is just a farce of fanfiction itself and is not in any way meant to be taken seriously. Please, I'm begging you, do not take this seriously. Like, at all.

Mistoffelees blinked several times, in a state of utter bafflement, as the laptop whirred to life in front of him. He couldn't believe it had worked, that he'd actually managed to resurrect it with just a wave of his paw! He had been certain it was dead, gone up to laptop Heaviside - but all it needed was a little kick to get it going again! He made a mental note to add that to his list of things his magic was capable of. All the grunting and whirring brought forth a white screen, dotted with Human words. Always eager to improve his reading, the magical cat decided to try and decipher what the screen said.

He leaned forward a bit and adjusted his eyes. Hi guys, it started, this is the definitive guide to my Cats head canon! That was a new term: head canon. He knew what head meant, and he knew canon - but he couldn't understand what they had to do with each other. He thought about it for a moment, and the only thing he could come up with was the image of a human with a pirate-ship canon where their head should have been. Everlasting Cat, what a sight!

He kept reading. I know it's probably super weird, but I've seen lots of other people write out their head canons and I decided to do it too! Mistoffelees' heart jumped at the thought that there was more than one human out there with a canon for a head. So here we go, and I hope you like it. Please R and R!

R and R. That, he decided, must be part of the language the older humans talk about called text talk. He wasn't sure what that one stood for, though.

The first cat I'm going to talk about is Munkustrap because he's my favorite.

Mistoffelees hiccuped - his magic faltered and the laptop screen blacked out. He'd heard of this kind of thing, and he knew exactly what it was. It was something the humans called fanfiction.

Munkustrap wasn't sure what he'd expected to be doing on his break, but being read an entire paragraph detailing his and Demeter's remarkably prolific sex life was certainly not it. He couldn't decide what to do: whether he should run away or stay put, let Mistoffelees keep reading or smack him up the head to shut him up. He decided against that last one, figuring that Mistoffelees was already an odd little fellow as he was without being bopped upside the head. But it was a thought. He knew the magical cat had to feel awful reading it aloud - but, somehow, he couldn't bring himself to put a halt to the situation. The complete absurdity of it all was just too incredible to cut short.

According to it, he and Demeter were involved, um, intimately long before she was kit-napped by Macavity and they immediately rekindled the relationship as soon as he rescued her from Mac's lair (because in this person's world, Demeter and Bombalurina needed a tom's help to get anything done - yeah right). Jemima was their daughter and they also had some other kits whose names Mistoffelees couldn't even try to pronounce (the human referred to them as OCs - a term Mistoffelees was unfamiliar with). Macavity was his brother and Old Deuteronomy was his father, and he was apparently the sexiest cat in the junkyard. That made him laugh a little; he would definitely have fun nagging Tugger about that one.

Oh yeah, and before he was with Demeter he was with Jennyanydots and that's why he sings her song because he's skill kinda in love with her. Sorry I shoulda put that earlier lol

Both the magic cat's and the Protector's eyes widened. "Jenny?" Munkustrap practically shrieked. "But…but…she raised me from a kitten! She's basically my mother! She is my mother, for all anyone is concerned!"

That was the last anyone saw of Munkustrap for a couple of days. The explanation of his absence that circulated the junkyard was that he had a nagging stomachache from drinking some expired milk. Mistoffelees kept his mouth shut about the whole thing - he didn't want to think about Jenny and Munkustrap going at it any more than anyone else did.

"Wait a minute: we hang out with Mac?"

"Heaviside, do people really take our jokes that seriously?"

Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer looked at each other in absolute horror at the thought that they could be associates of the Hidden Paw. "Come on, when they talk about us in the song it's just a metaphor!" Rumpleteazer shouted. "A metaphor, you hear that? A M-E-T-A-P-H-O-R!" And she stretched out the word metaphor as long and as loud as she possibly could.

Mistoffelees kept reading. So they're both gay and Mungo is with Alonzo and Teazer is with Bombie.

"Wait…what?" Mungojerrie sputtered. "What leads them to think I'm gay?"

Rumpleteazer snickered quietly. "Well, you do wear that shirt, Jerrie."

He sighed, exasperated. "Teazer, you of all cats should know this. I wear this shirt because the humans put it on me when I had that rash and they didn't want me scratching it or whatever and I've come to find it very warm and cozy and nice, that's why I wear this shirt, you 'ear? Just because somebody does or doesn't wear a damn shirt doesn't mean they're gay or not gay, got it?"

"I never said it did, Mungo, I'm just sayin' that's what the humans think."

"Well that's garbage and…and…and I don't like it!" he yelled, in a sudden frenzy. "Everybody should have the right to wear or not wear whatever in Heaviside they want without somebody automatically jumping to conclusions!" He looked at his mate with a great deal of scrutiny. "And what about you, eh? Why would somebody put you with Bombie?"

"I dunno, Mungo. We're both objectively attractive, I guess."

"What in Heaviside is 'objectively attractive?'"

"Good question, Mungo."

"Shall I continue reading?" Mistoffelees really wasn't sure he wanted to continue reading, considering how much he was enjoying the conversation.

"Sure, I guess." Mungojerrie was looking down at himself, examining his prized shirt and trying in vain to develop a reasonable explanation of how attire (or lack thereof) should play a role in determining a cat's sexuality.

So they're both gay and they were really oppressed growing up by their parents which is why they're such troublemakers now. Oh yeah, and they're brother and sister, sorry I guess I should've said that earlier XD

"Wait…what?" The two locked eyes.

"We're brother and sister? GROSS!"

"Do we really look that much alike?" Rumpleteazer asked. "Everlasting Cat, please tell me we don't look that much alike. Do we, Misto?"

He didn't know how to answer that question. His mind was wrapped up in the word XD, which he was certain he had never seen before. And he didn't know how to pronounce it either (which, admittedly, wasn't that surprising since he wasn't all that good at reading).

Further investigation revealed that XD was not, as Mistoffelees had thought, an actual word in the human language, but rather a text symbol for laughter created prior to the use of emoticons, according to some Human website called Urban Dictionary.

"Plato? Eww, why would I be with Plato? Isn't he like Munkustrap's age or something? That's weird."

Victoria scrunched up her nose as she listened to Mistoffelees detail her life story according to the human. The human actually had several theories about Victoria and couldn't seem to pick one: She was with Plato, she was with Skimble, she was with Jemima, she was with Pouncival, she was with some combination of all four of them. She was Munkustrap's kit, she was Skimble's kit (weird, because they just got done talking about how she and Skimble were mates), she was Grizabella's kit, she was Old Deuteronomy's kit. She was maybe straight and maybe not, maybe with somebody and maybe single - overall, the human seemed very confused indeed.

"Why can't they get it right?" Victoria frowned. Her emerald eyes shined brightly as she looked longingly at Mistoffelees. "I want to be with you, Misto."

"You will be," he stuttered, "just, um, I'm not ready for that, I don't think. We're barely old enough to mate."

"That's okay, Misto, you've got time." She leaned over and nuzzled his shoulder. "I'll wait for you." She locked eyes with him. "What does the human say about you?"

"I don't know," he admitted. "I haven't found me yet. And I'm honestly scared to look." His ears drooped a little; since yesterday's shirt vs. no shirt and what that had to do with sexuality conversation with Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer, he was starting to worry about what the human would think about his sparkly jacket. And as he had spent so much time already trying to come to terms with his sexuality...well, let's just say he didn't want to fall down the soul-searching rabbit hole again. That had not been the best place, in terms of his mental health.

"Awww, Misto, don't worry about what the humans think," Victoria whispered, nuzzling him again. "Humans are so stupid."

He smiled nervously. Why wouldn't he worry about what the humans thought? What the humans thought was that Munkustrap had gotten jiggy with his mother and Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer were brother and sister who hung out with the Hidden Paw.

But he didn't tell Victoria that. She didn't deserve to be corrupted by such thoughts.

For that matter, nobody did.

"Well, well, listen to this! The human thinks I'm…what's the word again, Misto?"

"Charismatic."

"Oooh, charismatic! The human thinks I'm charismatic. I like that!"

"Do you even know what that means, Tugger?"

"What, do you, Mr. Mistoffelees?"

Mistoffelees sighed. No, he didn't. But his gut told him it was either really accurate, or really not.

So Tugger is Munkustrap's and Macavity's brother and he's Old Deuteronomy's son. He's a rock-star and all the girls love him and have major crushes on him.

"Heck yeah we do!" Etcetera yelled, clinging to her idol's back leg like there was no tomorrow.

So all the girls are in love with him and they want to be with him and they fantasize about him all the time but there's a problem - he's gay!

An air of confusion washed over Mistoffelees, Tugger, and his fans Electra and Etcetera. "Whoa, whoa, whoa…hold on a second," Tugger started, "first of all, I am not gay, I am bisexual, okay? Gay and straight are not the only two sexualities out there, and anyone who thinks they are needs to reconsider their life choices. The humans should know. Second," and he looked at the kittens surrounding him, "are you guys really fantasizing about me?" A bit of nervous laughter came from Electra and Etcetera's mouths. "Okay, both of you, that is disgusting, okay? It might be cute if you were like, Misto's age, but listen, you two ain't even old enough to mate yet. Not cool, ladies, not cool." He took a moment to collect himself. "How about you all just go play or…something? Because y'all don't need to be hearing this, okay? Bye bye."

Pouting, Electra and Etcetera slunk off to wait for their idol somewhere else. Mistoffelees, meanwhile, was absolutely astounded by Tugger's sudden maturity and resemblance to his older brother.

"Okay, they're gone now, you can keep reading," Tugger said, fluffing his mane. "Fangirls."

Mistoffelees then began to read an entire paragraph detailing Tugger's life: his exploration, his coming out, his various sexual and romantic relations with queens and toms alike. It wasn't all that inaccurate, actually, and Tugger was almost inclined to be impressed - apparently, he wasn't as unknown in the outside world as he'd thought. But then Mistoffelees suddenly stopped reading.

"Why'd you stop?" Tugger asked. "I was enjoying that."

He and Misto are together because let's be real isn't that everybody's OTP?

Mistoffelees was too busy swallowing a bit of vomit that had come up into his throat to even wonder what OTP meant. "Um, Tugger," he stammered, "the human…she…he…it…it thinks we're…mates."

For once, even Tugger was silent.

"Apparently those seven kittens…you know, that I pulled out of that hat that one time…"

"Yeah, and then you threw them back in there and teleported them into oblivion in sheer terror?"

"Yeah, those. Um, well, apparently they were, um, ours."

Tugger blinked, trying desperately to process that information. "Whoa, whoa, wait a sec." He looked Mistoffelees up and down. "I thought you were ace."

"I am."

"Why would I be getting down with you then?"

"You wouldn't, Tugger. That's what ace means."

"Well yeah, I know what ace means. It was a rhetorical question. But anyway…ace or not, we're both toms, so…" Tugger paused for a moment, squinting into the distance in total confusion. "Wait a minute... HOW IN HOLY HEAVISIDE DOES THAT EVEN FREAKIN' WORK?"

"It doesn't."

"THAT'S WHAT I FREAKIN' THOUGHT!"

"What's going on over here?" a voice asked. It was Old Deuteronomy. "Is this where that laptop thingy is? I've heard that a human has tried to detail all our life stories. I'm curious."

Nope. Nope nope nope. Before anyone could offer up an explanation, Mistoffelees' world went black and he fell forward onto the keyboard.

"Oh my," the old Maine Coon murmured. "Mistoffelees, are you alright?"

He began to step closer, but the magic cat, already coming to, stopped him. "No, Old Deuteronomy, don't," he stammered weakly. "It's not safe. Go away from here, while you still can."

Knowing that Mistoffelees could tell when his powers were getting out of control, Old Deuteronomy left swiftly. Promptly after his departure, the laptop exploded into a million pieces, hurdling into the air even above the Heaviside tire. From a safe place, Old Deuteronomy shook his head - Mistoffelees had been doing so well keeping his magic from acting up without his consent. He felt terrible for him, in light of this setback in his progress.

Unbeknownst to him, when Mistoffelees had told him that it wasn't safe, the magic cat hadn't been referring to himself. And the computer blowing up? That hadn't been an accident.

Not. At. All.