I've never known my mother. I've never known where I come from or why I didn't matter enough for her or my father to stick around. What I did know was that I was an orphan. You'd think that I'd have been adopted because I was given up as a baby and all you ever hear about in foster care is how couples want newborns. Well, they didn't want me.

At least, not permanently. No sooner would I arrive at a new house than I'd be returned. Apparently several families had brought me home until I was about three years old and each time I wouldn't make it a week before I'd be abandoned again. The nuns never told me why; what reason there was for not wanting me. Maybe if I knew I could find someway to fix myself so that I could have a home and parents, too. Instead, I spent my life attending the parish's private Catholic school and waiting for the day I aged out.

Mother Superior wanted me to join in their footsteps and marry myself to God and his holy trinity. She always seemed so concerned with saving my eternal soul and seemed to think that taking holy orders would banish the evil inside of me; whichever deadly sin I carried that kept me from having a home.

For a while I thought about it. The convent was comfortable and known, but I didn't want to hide from the world there. I didn't have it in me to be a coward and deny myself the opportunity to finally have a regular life. A family of my own. I wanted to go to college, make real friends, get a dog. I wanted to get some answers about who I am and where I came from. That's how I ended up in California.

See, I made excellent grades and was in all the honors and AP classes, so when it came time to start applying to colleges and universities I needed access to my social security card and birth certificate and that's how I got my first clue. My birth parent's names were left as unknown but where I was born was listed as San Francisco Memorial. Baby Girl Doe born March 21st, 1988 at 8:44 in the evening; 21 inches and 7 pounds 11 ounces. Single birth. It even listed the doctor that delivered me; Dr. Lindy Cook.

I applied to a local university and was awarded a full scholarship. Truth be told, I could have gotten in anywhere I wanted but it wasn't just about my academic education. It was about educating myself on my family. Living nearby for four years would hopefully be enough time to figure something out and that's how I came to live in California in the year 2006. By 2010 I graduated with honors and with answers I don't think I ever truly thought I'd get.

Answers that terrified me.

Answers to questions I soon wished I had never asked but would never be able to forget. I thought I could ignore them. I thought I could outrun them—so I gave up every dream I ever had of having a family, both my birth family and the family I would make for myself. It's been ten years and now…now I have to face everything I ever learned about who I am and where I came from.

4 Months Earlier

I stared at the ceiling as the very uncomfortable feeling of the wand made my muscles tense. The intrauterine sonogram was not pleasant. Cancer would be a whole lot more unpleasant though, if it wasn't found and treated.

That's what I'm up against, I thought. I'd been having unusual menstrual cycles and abdominal cramps. In the past few days I'd experience an unusual amount of breakthrough bleeding in the middle of my monthly cycle. In all the digging I'd done into my maternal side of the family, genetic illnesses weren't something I'd thought I'd have to worry about a lot. Sure, I had a great grandmother whom suffered from heart disease but who doesn't nowadays?

After freaking out so completely about what I found on my mother's side, I'd stopped looking into my father's side. I couldn't take any more bad news or evidence of what a freak I am. Now, thinking back on that decision, maybe it was a bad choice.

"Well, Miss Rowland," the doctor said pointing to the screen, "there seems to be the culprit. Congratulations! You're about 6 weeks pregnant."

My eyes shot from the screen to the doctor and back again. "I can't be pregnant. I have the implant in my arm."

The doctor hit some buttons and after a minute or two the image shut off. The wand was just as uncomfortable coming out as going in and after cleaning up and removing her gloves, Dr. Kirkland moved around the side of the table to feel the implant in my arm.

"Hm, it feels like it's shifted out of place. Likely, that's the reason why it failed to prevent your pregnancy. I can remove it today as it's not safe for the fetus."

"I can't be pregnant," I repeated. Maybe the total look of terror on my face clued the doctor in to the fact that this was not a planned pregnancy but she sat on her stool and looked me in my eyes.

"Miss Rowland, if this is not a wanted pregnancy, you do have several options to consider," the petite blonde informed me. "Either way, the implant isn't correctly situated and needs to removed. If you decide not to go on with the pregnancy then I can always insert a new implant, but while you take time to consider the options it's safest for it to not be inside of you and increasing your hormone levels. Would you like me to take it out now, or would you like to discuss these options first?"

Dr. Kirkland was soft spoken but firm. Her kind, calm voice soothed me and I said, "Take it out." Minutes later I was dressed and sitting in her office discussing what I might do next.

"You're relatively early in your pregnancy. You have time to think about any of these choices before committing to a plan of action. If you like, I can provide some pamphlets and resources for you to take home and look at."

"Thanks," grabbing my messenger bag I stood and pulled it over and across my shoulders. I shook her hand and let her guide me to the door. As we made our way up to the front desk she grabbed some papers for me and asked the receptionist to schedule another appointment for me.

"Whether you're going on with the pregnancy or not, we'll still need to keep eyes on your progress. If you want, I can help you make any arrangements necessary when I see you in a month."

"Okay. That'd be great." Taking the appointment card, I thanked everyone and headed out to the street where my car was parked.

It was the end of September and the weather was beautiful. Throwing my bag into the passenger seat, I turned the key in the ignition and put the top down on my convertible. I'm home before I realize it and pull into the driveway of my rental. I've lived in California for fourteen years now but still felt iffy about putting down permanent roots.

Starving, I dug through the fridge until I came out with last nights leftovers and nuked them while pouring an ice cold iced tea. It was then, sitting at the table and eating alone, that I really began to think about what it meant to be pregnant. A baby that would be just like me. Just like them.

It should have terrified me. I've been living in fear for so long but it didn't. I guess after thinking it must be cancer, a baby didn't sound so bad. I hadn't planned on ever having one because I didn't want to pass down this curse but she wouldn't be alone. Somehow, I just knew my baby must be a girl. Not too hard to guess considering my family tree but still. There was an awareness, like I could feel her inside me.

She wouldn't be alone like I was. Never would my little girl think or feel that something was wrong with her or that nobody wanted her. I wanted her. I really wanted her.