CHAPTER TWO - Nightmares

There was a time when Todd could sleep through anything, it became something of a running joke in his family. The world outside could end, and Todd would sleep right through it. But after a year or two of being Amanda's first line response, something in him changed. He not only woke up at the smallest indication of distress, but he became fully awake and alert in an instant.

He'd almost become conditioned into assuming that any emergency was an Amanda Emergency so when he woke up his initial thought was of her, so much so that he almost called her name out loud.

But Amanda was not here, and after a second or two he realised the muffled cries that had woken him up were coming from the sofa, or rather, from Dirk Gently, the person sleeping on the sofa.

He got up and turned a lamp on as he quickly knelt by the side of his best friend, plainly in the throes of a nightmare. It astonished him that he'd been woken at all by the restrained whimpering, that sounded like someone was holding an invisible hand over his mouth. The tense trembling, cold sweat, and expression that somehow radiated pain and terror even though his eyes were closed all made Todd's heart quicken in sympathetic distress.

He put his hands on Dirk's shoulders gently but firmly.

"Dirk? You're having a nightmare, it's ok... wake up... you're safe...it's ok.."

"No!" He shouted as he batted Todd away and curled up into a corner of the sofa. Then in a desperate, pleading whisper "I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I'll be good I promise...I promise...I'm sorry..."

Dirk looked like he was about to be hit, bracing himself with his eyes closed, tears silently streaming down his face. It broke Todd's heart like nothing had ever done before.

"Hey, hey, it's me Todd, it's all right" He said soothingly, trying to stay strong against a desire to cry at seeing his vivacious friend like this. He approached him cautiously, not wanting to startle him until he got some acknowledgement from Dirk that he knew where he was.

"It's Todd." He reiterated a little louder. Dirk slowly opened his eyes and after a moment, started to breathe in relief rather than panic.

"I'm going to sit down next to you." Todd said and then very slowly did so. "Is it all right if I touch you?"

Dirk shook his head without apparently needing to even think about the question, and Todd clamped down on a small amount of frustration. "Ok, that's ok, I won't - I'll just stay here." He wanted to give his friend a hug, but this was about what Dirk needed, not him.

"I..." Dirk took a few more breaths to calm down. "I'm sorry I woke you Todd, I'm fine now, you can go back to sleep."

"You're not fine." Todd said sadly.

"I am, really." Dirk said, sounding resigned. Obviously this was not an unusual occurrence.

"Well, I'm not." Todd said, honestly. "You scared the crap out of me."

Dirk looked at him curiously, not sure what to say to that.

"What were you dreaming about?"

"It doesn't matter."

"Please tell me. You- " Todd hesitated slightly but decided to say the words with extra confidence. "You can trust me."

Dirk looked at him then and sighed. "I do trust you Todd." he looked down at his still shaking hands. "It was about Blackwing. They used to, well...sometimes they would do surgery on us to try and find out what we were, how we worked."

Todd felt the blood drain from his face at the thought. Dirk held his right arm out for him to see the surgical scar from his wrist to the elbow. It was not hugely noticeable if you weren't looking for it, but Todd swallowed, wondering how many more similar scars there were on Dirk's body.

"They made us stay awake so they could see if anything changed while they were testing us." he said, arm returning to its position wrapped around his knees.

Todd felt sick at the thought of his own government doing surgery, on children, with no anaesthetic. It didn't escape Todd's notice that there was no 'I' or 'me' in any of this, Dirk was talking generally about all of the projects, distancing himself just slightly from the fact that they had done this to him, personally. The words he'd said earlier, 'it doesn't matter', suddenly made Todd very angry. It mattered. It fucking mattered.

He took a shaky breath, feeling wildly out of his depth all of a sudden. How was he supposed to fix this for Dirk? What could he possibly say to that?

"Thank you for telling me. I'm so sorry those sick fuckers did that to you. I can't imagine how terrified and alone you must have felt, or how hard it must have been to go back there. I know I can't change what happened, but I can listen, and... and I can be here." Todd thought it sounded a bit inadequate, but Dirk smiled at him, touched.

"Thank you Todd. No one's ever wanted to listen to me before."

Todd nodded and smiled reassuringly back at him. He sounded like himself albeit slightly subdued, so Todd felt it was safe to leave him for a moment. "I'll get you a glass of water."

When he returned he handed it to him and instinctively put a steadying hand on his arm which was still a little wobbly. Dirk flinched, spilling some water on the floor.

"I'm sorry." Dirk said guiltily.

"It's all right, it's just water." Todd reassured him, getting a tissue from the coffee table and wiping it up.

"They... only ever touched me... to hurt me." Dirk said carefully, as though he'd only just noticed the fact.

"You don't have to apologise for them being assholes Dirk. It's not your fault." He sat down next to him, careful not to touch him.

"Maybe over time I'll get used to ...non hurty touch." Dirk said with a note of resolve. Todd looked at him and despite the resolution he looked a little nervous about it.

He thought of the traumatic childhood he knew he'd barely scratched the surface of; the danger magnet that was his friend as he was pushed around by the universe; the fear and anxiety and sadness and guilt he carried with him, and above all, the warmth and optimism that he still met each day and each obstacle with. You're the bravest person I know he suddenly thought.

He held a hand out, palm facing upward, in offering. Dirk looked at the hand, then at Todd, and then cautiously took it. After a moment, he felt Dirk relax somewhat.

"Thank you Todd. Excellent assisting."