CHAPTER FOUR - Panic Attack

The next day, Todd was returning home with some shopping and realised he had left the key in the apartment. He buzzed impatiently for Dirk to let him in.

He waited, but got no response. He tried again, more insistently. After the third try he looked up at the building and saw the window was open, so he went up the fire escape. How the tables have turned, he thought, now he was the one entering via the window.

He was trying hard to pretend he wasn't worried, but really though...did it qualify as paranoia if there really was a top secret agency who wanted to kidnap your best friend? Still, most of the time when he left Dirk alone for a minute he didn't disappear. So...he was probably fine...right?

After awkwardly clambering through with the shopping he called for Dirk. Leaving the bags by the window he followed a sound to the kitchen and found Dirk huddled on the floor with his arms around his knees, an alarming amount of blood on the floor and on his clothes.

He was clearly having a panic attack and kept repeating "I'm not psychic I'm not psychic I'm not psychic" as though he was begging for his life.

Todd took a quick look around, half expecting to see Priest standing behind him, but he saw the half-made sandwich on the counter, and the kitchen knife on the floor, and decided it probably wasn't a military attack. He knelt by his friend.

"Hey, Dirk it's me, Todd. Breathe...it's ok, it's ok, breathe..." he tried to keep his voice calm despite the fact that his heart was racing.

He took the knife off the floor and put it safely in the sink and then tried to find the source of the bleeding. There was too much blood to really see but it seemed to be coming from Dirk's left arm.

"You're bleeding, I'm just going to get a bandage but I'll be back." He raced for the medical kit and came back with the whole thing, setting it down beside him.

He sat in front of Dirk who was still oblivious to him and took his shoulders, trying to get his attention. That definitely made things worse. Dirk started sobbing, his whole body shaking as he whispered "Please don't hurt me...I can't do it I'm sorry I'm sorry, please don't hurt me..."

"Dirk..." Todd swallowed, trying to fight back the tears that threatened as he watched his friend re-live what Blackwing had done to him.

He tried again to get his attention, knowing he wouldn't be able to bandage the arm until Dirk was calmer.

"Listen to me. Focus on my voice, you're ok, you're safe. It's me, Todd, your assis-friend. Remember? Do you remember me? Look at me Dirk. Breathe..."

Something must have got through as Dirk noticeably made an effort to gain control of his breathing.

"Look at me."

Dirk looked at him in terror. "They got you." he whispered in a way that made Todd shiver.

"No, no I'm ok, we're both fine - you got out of there, remember?"

"Then...why are you crying?" Dirk asked softly

"Because my best friend's hurt." Todd answered, too emotionally drained to say anything but the simple truth.

Dirk looked down and seemed to notice all the blood for the first time. He seemed to think that was what Todd meant as he jumped slightly and held his left arm up.

"I... it was an accident." Dirk said, seeming to come round slightly. He looked around him at the apartment, and very slowly let go of some of the tension.

Todd cleaned the blood away and saw the deep gash on his arm.

"This is going to need stitches." he noted aloud.

"No! No... I don't want to go to hospital... please Todd..."

Todd looked at him helplessly.

"I could... maybe call Farah? She usually knows what to do... maybe she has some field medic training or something"

"Yes, do that. Farah's amazing she can fix it." Dirk agreed readily.

Todd texted Farah. He did what he could with a bandage to at least try and stop the bleeding, and cleaned it up. Then he guided Dirk to sit on the sofa, got him a glass of water, and made a first pass at cleaning the worst of the blood from the kitchen. He sat down next to him.

"What happened?"

"It was an accident." Dirk repeated. He looked very much like a schoolboy about to be told off by the headmaster.

"Ok, I believe you, but can you be more specific?"

Dirk took a deep breath and sighed, then the words tumbled out at speed.

"I got a bit startled by something and panicked a bit and dropped the knife and it sort of landed right in my arm and then I ... panicked some more." Dirk said, apologetically.

"It looked like you were having a panic attack... about Blackwing I'm guessing."

Dirk nodded.

"Hey, it's not your fault." Todd was resisting the urge to use touch to comfort him. He wanted to instinctively, but he understood that Dirk associated touch with pain rather than comfort, just one of many things that made him feel that uncomfortable mixture of sadness and anger.

Dirk tentatively nodded again.

"What was it that triggered the attack?" Todd asked, but almost as soon as he said it he figured out the answer. "Was it ... the buzzer?" he asked uncertainly, recalling yesterday. If he'd known it would trigger a panic attack, he definitely wouldn't have pressed it so often. Damn it, he should have paid more attention...

"It just... it sounds very much like the noise they used whenever I got something wrong on one of their tests... which was all the time because I'm not psychic, as I kept trying to tell them. And they always punish failure."

The way he said that sent shivers up Todd's spine.

"For a moment I just...thought I was back there again. I'm sorry Todd."

"What on earth for?" Todd asked.

"For scaring you and making a mess and not being very strong. And-"

Just then the buzzer went and Dirk jumped, closing his eyes with clenched fists, losing what little colour he had left.

"It's ok." Todd said quickly, "It's Farah, I'm going to let her in ok?"

"Of course." Dirk said tightly. "I'm fine."

Todd ran to the buzzer to let Farah in before she could ring again. He was glad she'd been so quick, since the blood had already come through the bandage he'd put on. He explained the situation to her quickly as she assessed the wound.

"You really should go to hospital Dirk." she recommended. "It'll hurt more if I do it."

"I don't like the hospital." Dirk said quietly. "Please Farah."

Todd wondered if the sterile hospital environment reminded Dirk of Blackwing too much, or if he didn't want them to see the brand burnt into his shoulder of the Project Icarus logo, and start asking questions. Or perhaps between the harpoons and the bullet to the leg he just felt he'd been there enough lately.

Farah didn't look very happy about it, but she sewed up the wound with her usual competence, and Todd couldn't help admiring her. She was so capable, he felt so much safer when she was around, and he only wished she saw herself the way he saw her.

Dirk didn't complain, he hardly moved while she worked, and it was not for the first time that Todd noticed that Dirk seemed terrified of pain, but when he was actually hurt, he could handle it remarkably well. Far better than you might expect. He didn't like to think that it was from sheer practice.

Farah started speaking about halfway through.

"You've probably noticed that I sometimes have anxiety and panic attacks too." she said softly. "And I haven't even been through anything as traumatic as being locked up in a secret government facility and experimented on for several years of my life."

"No but you have been in lots of scary situations. You're much braver than I am." Dirk said. Todd swallowed down the emotion that once more welled up as he watched his closest friends be vulnerable, trying to support each other. He would give anything to take away their suffering.

"I don't think that's true."

"Oh it definitely is."

"Well, if I am brave, it's partly because I'm so scared all the time. But that's not my point. I know that we can't ever really understand what it was like for you, growing up in a place like that, or going back there again. But we want to. You can talk to us about it and tell us how you feel and we'll listen."

"Why would you want to know all the horrible things Blackwing did to me?" Dirk asked in confusion.

Todd answered before Farah as she finished up the stitches. "So you don't have to face it all alone."

Todd knew full well that it would have moved his friend at the best of times, but in this already emotionally vulnerable state, Dirk looked down at the floor to hide his face as tears fell softly from already red-rimmed eyes. He still hadn't got used to the idea of having friends, and Todd wondered if he ever would, fully.

Farah finished wrapping a fresh bandage round his arm and squeezed his hand before she stood up.

"I'll make you some tea." she said.