Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, or any properties in this work that I did not make myself. Any resemblance of any property that may be in this story is exclusively done for parody.
Harold of Konoha
Chapter six: The Konoha lager festival (AKA Scare 'em straight-type lectures that kids go to can ruin an adult's buzz)
Harold Fisher had just met up with his friends, Inoichi Yamanaka and Tsume Inuzuka, plus Tsume's ninja dog Kuromaru, for coffee at their usual morning hang out, a diner owned and operated by the Akimichi clan. Turning the front page of a newspaper over, the Fisher patriarch scanned the articles until one caught his eye.
"Hot damn!" Harold exclaimed, obviously excited over what he just found.
"What's up, Harold?" Tsume asked before lifting her mug of coffee up to take a sip from it.
"It says here that the fortieth annual Lager Fest will be held next week!" Harold explained, drawing excited looks from the two other humans in the group.
"Where will it be, though?" Inoichi asked as his excitement simmered down a bit, "Because Michelle and I are slated to watch the grandkids next week."
"Actually, it's going to be here in Konoha," Harold replied. Inoichi's expression suddenly perked up. "Yeah," Harold continued as he scanned the article again, "It was going to be held in Iwa, but the swearing in of fourth Tsuchikage Kuromaru-"
"Kurotsuchi," the Inuzuka ninja dog correct.
"-Will mess up being able to schedule Lager Fest in Iwa," Harold finished.
"So Lager fest will be here in Konoha…" Inoichi said, "…Next week."
"Yeah, dude," the older Fisher man replied to his best friend, "I'm just as excited as you." Harold looked up from his paper to see Inoichi was shaking with excitement, a very huge smile on his face. "Uhh, dude? You okay?" Harold asked, sounding mildly concerned.
"Hey Yamanaka," said Tsume as she gave Inoichi's right shoulder a shake, "Harold asked-"
"YAHOO!" Inoichi exclaimed excitedly and at the top of his lungs, jumping out of his seat with such force that Harold could have sworn that his best friend would have shot through the roof, or at the very least got his head stuck in the ceiling. Having jumped out, however, the Yamanaka patriarch landed out of the booth that he and his friends usually sat in at the diner (Inoichi was boxed in by Tsume) and ran outside.
Right after Inoichi ran outside, music began to play in the background, making Kuromaru raise his head and look around. "The hell is that?!" the Inuzuka ninja dog snapped.
"Oh, Inoichi is going to start singing his drinking song," Harold explained causally, "It's so powerful a song, that it has pied-piper levels of being able to summon others."
"Inoichi's drinking song?" the Inuzuka ninja dog replied, "The frig are you on abo- Oh frig me in the alps." Outside, you can see Inoichi walk down the street as he started singing;
'My name is Inoichi ('sup, dude!)
And I am here to say (Top kek, man!)
That drinking a mug of lager
Will brighten up your day
It don't matter what brand (free beer!)
Or the label's red or blue (hot damn!)
'Cause drinking a mug of lager
Is the right thing to do
'Cause I love to see you see you drink, drink, drink (oh hells yeah!)
Let's keep those mugs filled up all the while
Yes we should
'Cause all I really need's a drink, drink, drink
After I get off of work
...
I like to see that sparkle (epic!)
I love to see that sheen (sweetness!)
A cold frosty mug of lager
Will always be my dream (bro fist!)
But if you drink too much man
And you fall over and spew
I'll grab a towel and clean you up
To make you look as good as new
'Cause I love to see you chug, chug, chug (oh hells yeah)
Fill your gut with the goods in all those mugs
Just give that mug a big chug, chug, chug
And you'll get pretzels you lug
It's true nights can be dark and lonely
But there's nothing to fear
'Cause Inoichi will be there to
Buy you a big ol' mug of beer
There's one thing that raises my mood
With which I don't have to think
And that's chilling at the bar with my friends with a drink
I really am so wasted
This mug fills me with glee
I give a cheer I get a cheer
And that's really cool to me
'Cause I love to see you sip, sip, sip (oh hells yeah!)
Tell me how much you plan to leave as a tip
That's too much
It makes me happy when you sip, sip, sip
Yes it always makes my day
Come on everybody drink, drink, drink
Fill those mugs up with lager, lager
All I really need's a drink, drink, drink
After I get off of work
Come on everybody drink, drink, drink
Fill those mugs up with lager, lager
All I really need's a drink, drink, drink
After I get off of work
Yes the perfect thing for me
('Come on everybody drink, drink, drink')
Is a drink that's large and in charge
('Fill those mugs up with lager, lager All')
To make me happy as
('I really need's a drink, drink, drink')
Can be! Drink,
('After I get off of work')
Drink, drink, drink, drink
Come on and drink
Come on and drink!'
When Inoichi had finally finished his drinking song, he noticed that he was face-to-face with his son-in-law, Shikamaru. "Mr. Yamanaka, what the hell are you doing?" the Nara man asked.
"…Expressing my joy over the upcoming Lager Fest being held here in Konoha," Inoichi defended, looking mildly embarrassed.
Pointing to behind his father-in-law, Shikamaru asked, "And what the hell are all of those other villagers doing?"
A confused look on his face, Inoichi turned around to see that he had somehow got loads of Konoha villagers, civilians and shinobi alike, to join in on his drinking song, which to the Yamanaka man's shock took him across the village. Looking at the crowd, Shikamaru said, "Seriously, Mr. Yamanaka, I don't know what you were…What the-?! Naruto?! Is that you?! The hell are you doing?!"
As Shikamaru had exclaimed, the Sixth Hokage was indeed one of the villagers that Inoichi managed to get into his chorus. "I DON'T KNOW!" Naruto exclaimed, sounding worried and partly freaked out.
A few days later, there was a sort-of seminar over at the Leaf Village Academy. It was the kind of seminar where adults try to convince kids to refrain from drugs, alcohol and the like. Haru Uchiha had met up with his friends Shikaru Nara, Bankai Inuzuka, Choba Akimichi and Shibei Aburame. As the boys were talking, waiting for the lecture to start already, they were surprised to see Natsu Uzumaki join up with them. "Wait, I've never seen you at the academy before," Bankai said to the Uzumaki/Hyuga girl, "Are you even a student here?"
"No, but my mother thought that it would be a good idea for me to attend the seminar being held here today," Natsu explained.
"Why are they even bothering with this whole mess?" Shikaru asked the other kids, "I mean, we already know that drugs and alcohol and all of that other stuff is bad. Do the adults, both the ones running this thing and our parents, trust us in being able to make the right choices?"
Looking around the classroom they were in, which is where the seminar would take place, Haru observed the various cheesy anti-drug décor. "I'm going to say that the answer to your question would be a resounding no," the Uchiha boy replied to his Nara friend.
After a few seconds passed, two mid-twenties people, one man and one woman, entered the room, both of them wearing similar outfits (gender appropriate for each one, of course) consisting of brown shoes, socks (assumedly), pants/long skirt, and a black t-shirt with KADD in big bold white capital letters. The man and woman both had fair skin (the woman had freckles, though), the man had neat shoulder length light brown hair, and the woman had orange-red hair that reached the tips of her shoulder-blades.
"Hey kids, ready for a fun-filled day of discussing the dangers of drugs and alcohol?" the man asked Haru and the others.
The man's cheerful, peppy voice made Bankai mutter to himself, "Ah frig, these are going to be those kind of folks, aren't they?" At that point, Haru and the others took seats around the classroom, where other kids in their age group had already taken their seats.
After Haru and the others had sat down somewhere, the woman of the pair asked, "Now before we begin, do any of you have any questions?"
"I do, actually," Natsu replied as she raised a hand, "What does KADD stand for?"
"Natsu, no! Don't ask-" Bankai exclaimed worriedly, but it was too late, given that the woman was set off by Natsu's question.
"I'm glad one of you asked that," the woman replied as she began to explain, "KADD stands for 'Kunoichi Against Drugs and Alcohol'. Your respective mothers, most of which are all shinobi, thought that it would be in all of your best interests to come to our little seminar today."
"Now let's start the presentation, shall we?" the man said, starting up a slideshow presentation that the kids would all be able to watch on the smartboard in the room.
The first slide said 'DRUGS AND ALCOHOL ARE BAD'. "First thing's first," the man began, "Drugs and alcohol are bad."
"We already know that," a random girl in the crowd of students said.
"Yeah, tell us something we don't know!" Bankai added.
"Well kids," the man continued, "What you all DON'T know is exactly HOW BAD drugs and alcohol are." At that, the woman had changed the presentation over to the next slide, which was a picture of a muscular man, one that is obviously in the military, with blonde hair combed up into a tall hair style. (1)
"This is a perfectly normal human being," the man explained, "And by perfectly normal, I mean one who has never in his life done any sort of drug or consumed any sort of alcohol. Now THIS is what will happen if he has just ONE beer, or smokes just ONE cigarette." At that cue, the woman switched to the next slide, which was a picture of a very overweight man with a long blonde ponytail, facial hair, and was wearing a yellow suit with some black. (2)
"Oh snap!" A random boy in the crowd of students exclaimed.
"Indeed," the man replied, "Drugs and alcohol are extremely dangerous. And not just to humans, either." At that, the woman changed to the next slide, which showed an idealized forest landscape. "This is a perfectly healthy, perfectly vibrant forest," the man explained, "Full of flowers and deer and bunnies and what have you. Now THIS is what will happen to the forest if you ever have one beer or do any sort of drug, even once."
At that cue, the woman changed to the next slide, which was a picture of a lumber company having torn down a very large percentage of a forest. "AHHHHHHH!" most of the kids in the crowd exclaimed, having been freaked out. The woman switched to the next slide, which showed a perfectly normal schoolboy.
"Now boys, this is what will happen to you if you do any drugs or drink any alcohol," the man explained. With that cue, the woman changed the presentation to the next slide, which was a picture of a hipster.
"AHHHHHHH!" all of the boys in the crowd of students screamed.
The woman changed the presentation to the next slide, which was a picture of a perfectly normal schoolgirl. "Girls, this is what will happen to YOU if you do any sort of drugs, or drink alcohol," the man continued, "Or even engage in any underage relations." The presentation changed to the next slide, which was a picture of a Belieber.
"EEEEEEEE!" all of the girls in the crowd of students screamed. Once again, the presentation switched to the next slide, which was a picture of an adorable black kitty.
"Who here likes cats?" the man asked. A few of the kids (one of which was Natsu) in the crowd all raised their hands. "Well that's good, since you'll have all the more reason to refrain from drugs and alcohol," the man explained, "Because for every beer you drink, and for every cigarette you smoke, a dozen cats will automatically die due to various causes." This shocked a lot of the kids in the crowd; Natsu even screamed in fear.
The presentation switched to the next slide, which was just the word 'END' in big bold white letters against a black background. "Now then," the man said, "Who here wants to drink alcohol or do drugs?" As all of the kids voiced that they would never do so as long as they all lived, the man said, "Wonderful! I'm glad to see that the newest generation will live long, happy lives! Now on your way out, feel free to pick up some free KADD swag, including t-shirts, bumper stickers, Frisbees, pencils, and keychains. Have a wonderful, drug-and-alcohol-free day, kids!"
Two days later, Harold and his friends were standing amongst a crowd of villagers that lined the streets, looking in the direction of Konoha's front entry gate. "Wait, I thought that Lager Fest wasn't until tomorrow," Tsume remarked to the men.
"True, the most glorious festival in all of existence doesn't start until tomorrow," Harold replied, "But that doesn't mean folks from outside of Konoha can't arrive early in order to be here for all of the epicness."
"Folks from outside of the village are coming to Konoha to take part in the Lager Fest festivities?" Kuromaru asked, sounding slightly surprised.
"It's already been confirmed that Lord Fifth Kazekage Gaara, along with his older brother Kankuro and a few other important Suna folks will be coming," Inoichi explained, "And rumor has it that a group of dignitaries from Iwa will be coming as well. Maybe we'll get to see our old pal Kurotsuchi, who is now the Fourth Lady Tsuchikage!"
"A shame that Iwa can't back Konoha and Suna with additional troops in the fifth shinobi war," Tsume remarked, "A three-on-one conflict between villages would have ended quickly."
Suddenly, the crowd of villagers started cheering loudly as a procession of cars entered the village. Each car had a small flag on the rear antenna, denoting those cars as belonging to Iwagakure. "Aha! Iwa IS taking part in Lager Fest!" Harold exclaimed excitedly. The cars all drove by, one by one; one car that drove past was just long enough to qualify as a limo.
"And that must by Lady Fourth's transport," Inoichi remarked to his friends.
After all of the Iwa cars drove in, cars from Suna started driving in, drawing even more cheers from the Konoha residents. "Hey Inoichi, you mentioned being friends with Lord fifth Kazekage's older brother," Kuromaru said as he turned to face the Yamanaka patriarch, "When will we see him and the Kazekage drive in?"
"Kankuro told me that we will know when he and Lord Fifth Kazekage will arrive," Inoichi explained with a grin, "They're using Kankuro's Hummer Limo."
"Hummer Limo?" the Inuzuka ninja dog repeated, "What the hell are they- Oh no. No no no no NO! Don't you dare tell me that Kankuro is-'' Kuromaru was cut off when vulgar rap music, most likely sung by a black artist if anyone was to guess, started blaring over a short distance away.
Suddenly, a white Hummer Limo drove into Konoha, a Suna flag affixed to its front antenna. Sitting on top of the Hummer Limo, via the ledge of a ceiling window that was all the way opened, was Kankuro himself, making motions with his arms like he was surfing. Aside from a lack of face makeup, Kankuro looked more or less the same as he did in his mid to late teens. "Aww yeah," Inoichi said in an excited manner, "Kankuro's here!"
"Great," Kuromaru muttered quietly to himself, "Just what I needed. Another one of THEM."
After all of the vehicles were parked, everyone started getting out. Standing at the rear end of Kankuro's Hummer Limo was Gaara, the Fifth Lord Kazekage. He wore pretty much the same kind of outfit he had in his mid to late teens. The only noticeable difference in Gaara's appearance was his hair; Gaara had allowed his hair to grow long. It was longer than Naruto's hair, to say the least. Gaara essentially looked like a red haired Madara Uchiha, except that there was no hair obscuring his face.
Gaara had opened the rear door (allowing some random rap song from Kankuro's CD collection to blare out) of the Hummer Limo to collect his giant gourd of sand. As he slung it over his back, Gaara heard a familiar voice call out, "Gaara, glad you were able to come!" A small but sincere smile found its way onto the normally stoic face of the Kazekage, making him turn around as see his closest friend, Naruto, approach. With Naruto at that time was Shikamaru and Sasuke.
"I'm not one for consuming alcohol, but I figured that I'd come anyway," Gaara explained, "I heard that Iwa is starting to back Suna's and Konoha's efforts against Kumo in the fifth shinobi war. The fact that I saw Iwa cars drive into Konoha further backs that claim. Does this mean I can expect to see Iwa shinobi taking action?"
"No, they're still too low on manpower to send shinobi out to fight in a war," Sasuke explained to the Kazekage, "In fact, Naruto wanted to get together with you and the Fourth Tsuchikage to discuss-"
"The hell is that blaring garbage coming from your Hummer Limo?!" Shikamaru interrupted, unable to keep quiet about the vulgarity of the rap music.
"Oh, that's Kankuro's taste in music," Gaara explained quickly as he reached up to close the Hummer Limo's rear door, "My apologies for forgetting to close the door." Gaara then closed the rear door of the Hummer Limo, revealing a window decal of Rarity from 'My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic' along with the phrase '#Rarityisbestpony' underneath, covering most of the rear window.
A confused look on his face, Shikamaru asked, "The hell is that?!"
"Kankuro's taste in window decal," Gaara explained.
"I bet Kankuro will get along swimmingly with Shikamaru's father-in-law, then," Naruto remarked. To his good friend from Suna, the Sixth Lord Hokage said, "Well then, Gaara. Let's go track down Kurotsuchi, hmm? We've got a lot to discuss, concerning Iwa backing Konoha and Suna with materials and supplies."
"Hey, I just had a thought," Gaara said as he and Naruto took their leave, "Will there be any non-alcoholic drinks served at this Lager Fest thing?"
Later, Harold and the others were walking along a street as they made their way to a local bar. With them was Kankuro, who was chatting amiably with the Konoha shinobi. "So the way I see it," Kankuro said to Inoichi, "Given how stubborn as hell Kumogakure is being, the fifth shinobi war is not going to end any time soon."
"Well what do you suggest Konoha and Suna do, then?" the Yamanaka patriarch replied.
"Konoha is working on those giant flying ships, right?" Kankuro asked. After Inoichi and the other older Konoha shinobi nodded in confirmation, Kankuro continued, "Well, Konoha should make some of those air ships capable of assaulting folks from the sky. Then we take those ships, fly them over Kumogakure, and drop no less than half-"
"Hey, Uncle Harold!" Haru called out, cutting the Suna shinobi of as he and the Konoha shinobi turned to see Haru and his friends come up to them.
"Hey Haru! What's shaking?" Harold greeted his grandnephew.
"I heard that there is going to be a drinking festival happening," Haru began in a concerned tone, "You aren't planning on going, are you?"
A mildly confused look on his face, the Fisher patriarch replied, "Well yeah. The boys and I were going to go." Gesturing to Kankuro, Harold added, "Inoichi's friend from Suna was even going to join us."
An alarmed look suddenly spread across Haru's face. "Uncle Harold, you and your friends can't go!" the young Uchiha exclaimed.
"Why the hell not?" Inoichi asked, looking rather confused.
"If you drink alcohol, you'll turn into a hipster," Shikaru explained, "And Bankai's grandma would turn into a Belieber."
"Where the frig did you hear that from?" Tsume exclaimed.
"The KADD seminar that we went to," Bankai said, "Alcohol will ruin everything forever if it's consumed!"
"It causes deforestation!" Shibei stated.
"For every beer that's consumed, a dozen cats will automatically DIE!" Natsu added. At that moment, Natsu suddenly caught something that was thrown at her; it was a can of Pape Konoha's Brand Lager. Suddenly, Haru and the other boys each caught a can of Pape Konoha's brand lager that was thrown at them. Looking to the adults, they figured out that it was Tsume who tossed them the lager.
"Drink up, kids!" Tsume exclaimed joyously as she herself popped open a can of Pape Konoha's brand lager, "This round's on me!" As Tsume began to chug down her lager, the kids all dropped their lager, screaming in a freaked out manner. Bankai even ran up to his grandmother, punched the can of lager out of her hand so that it flew up into the air, then Haru destroyed it by hitting it with a Fireball jitsu. "My lager! NOOOOOOOOO!" the older Inuzuka woman exclaimed, falling to her knees as she looked upwards and shouted towards the heavens.
"Boys, the hell?!" Harold remarked, shocked and a little mad.
"Do you WANT all of the forests of the world to be cut down?!" Haru retorted.
"Do you WANT to turn into a hipster?!" Shikaru added.
"Do you WANT lots and lots of adorable kitties to die?!" Natsu exclaimed, looking like she was on the verge of tears.
"That last one is a definite yes," Tsume replied weakly as she continued to mourn the loss of her lager.
"Kids, none of that stuff will happen," Inoichi explained, "Obviously whoever sold you that load of crap was full of that very same crap."
"Hey, do any of you have, like, a phone number with which those KADD folks can be contacted?" Kankuro asked.
"Yeah, it's on the bumper sticker that they gave me," Choba explained, pulling out a bag of stuff he got from the KADD seminar that he and the others went to. Fishing around in the bag, Choba pulled out the bumper sticker and handed it to Kankuro.
Carefully scanning the bumper sticker, Kankuro muttered, "Son of a bitch."
"Dude? What's up?" Inoichi asked.
Looking to the older Yamanaka man, Kankuro explained, "I've tangoed with these KADD jokers before. If they're allowed to have their way, then there won't BE a Lager Fest tomorrow."
"Oh snap!" Harold exclaimed, "No Lager Fest?!"
"Come on, I'll help you guys," Kankuro said as he led the older Konoha shinobi off to go deal with the folks from KADD.
In a warehouse somewhere in Konoha, a lot of mid-twenties people wearing similar outfits to the two KADD folk from the seminar were going about, carrying crates and talking about deals of some kind. Suddenly, a door was kicked down, causing one of the KADD women to look over and see what was going on. Upon seeing someone walk in, the KADD woman approached them and said, "Excuse me, but we're trying to-"
The woman never got to finish, because a reverse roundhouse kick struck her in the gut, sending her flying back into a few crates and smashing them. The other KADD members all looked with shock as Harold and his group, with the temporary addition of Kankuro, came walking into the warehouse. It was Tsume who roundhouse kicked the KADD woman. "All right y'all," Tsume called out in a very angry tone, "Your idiotic fear-mongering ends NOW."
"Don't you see we're trying to make people healthier?!" one KADD man said, "We're trying to save lives!"
"By using blatant lies to scare kids silly?!" Inoichi retorted.
"If that's what it takes, then yes!" one KADD woman (who was actually the same one from the seminar) exclaimed.
"Look y'all," Kuromaru began as he stepped forward, "I can see that you are all earnestly trying to keep kids away from drugs and alcohol. It's a commendable goal, if I'm being honest. But the way that you are all going about trying to get kids to abstain from drugs and alcohol is not only shameful, it's dumber than most of what Tsume, Harold and Inoichi have done. What should be done is to sit the kids down, calmly explain the dangers of drugs and alcohol, DO NOT BLOW THINGS OUT OF PROPORTION, and be kind and supportive."
Everything was quiet for a few seconds. Even Harold and his group were so impressed, they remained quiet; the only activity from any of them was Harold, who was nodding in approval. The silence was broken when one KADD man said, "Did that dog just talk?"
An annoyed look suddenly appearing across his face, the Inuzuka ninja dog said as he turned to leave, "You know what, frig it. I tried. Tsume, you and your friends can go ahead and do as y'all wish."
"Sweet!" the Inuzuka matriarch exclaimed as she and her companions turned their attention to the KADD members, evil smiles on all of their faces.
The next day, Harold and the others were at Lager Fest, which had started in full swing. Harold, Inoichi and Tsume had taken their respective grandsons (grandnephew in Harold's case) to a bar that was taking part in the event. Kankuro and Kuromaru were seated at another table, watching what was going on. Before the older ninjas started talking to the younger ninjas, a waitress came by with a tray holding three large glasses of soda and three large mugs of a most glorious golden liquid; each mug was topped with a cloud of foam.
"Now you see, boys," Harold began, taking a swig from his mug before he continued, "You know that drugs and alcohol can be *oh sweet heaven above that's good* bad. But there's a lot of factors involved here. More than what was covered in that little seminar y'all went to."
"That's right," Inoichi agreed, "There's a reason why there's a minimum age that everyone has to be at before they can have alcohol."
"So long as you are at the legal drinking age, and you only have a moderate amount of alcohol, and only on occasion, no harm will be done," Tsume continued, "As for drugs, it's only the illegal narcotics that pose any serious threat. There are also pharmaceutical drugs, such as aspirin and cold medicine, and so long as you take them only when you need them, and only in the recommended dosage, can actually prove beneficial to your health."
"There are even pharmaceutical drugs made specifically for dudes and dudettes in your age group," Harold added, "As well as age groups younger than yours. Haru, your mother should be able to tell you all about this."
"Yeah, she can," Haru replied, taking a sip of his soda.
"Wait, shouldn't Shibei, Choba and Natsu be filled in on this?" Shikaru asked.
"Don't worry," Inoichi assured his grandson, "Their respective grandfathers are taking care of that as we speak."
"So drink your sodas, boys," Harold said as he took another swig of his lager, "And if any of you want a refill, don't hesitate to ask!"
"I'll drink to that!" Tsume remarked, raising her mug in a toast.
Over at the table Kankuro and Kuromaru were seated at, the Suna shinobi and Inuzuka ninja dog watched what was going on. Turning to face Kankuro, Kuromaru said, "I really wish that Tsume and the others would be this responsible more often."
"Oh now you're just being a party pooper," Kankuro remarked, "And Inoichi told me what happened at that Nara clan party."
"Hey, it's not my fault Yoshino didn't let me out into the backyard in time!" the Inuzuka ninja defended.
END, CHAPTER SIX
Author's Notes:
(1) Guile from Street Fighter.
(2) Rufus from Street Fighter.
Fear mongering is one of the lowest forms of influencing others; even using it for noble goals such as getting kids to refrain from drugs and alcohol is a low move. Sitting a kid down and properly informing him or her of the dangers of drugs and alcohol is the proper way to go about things, if you ask me.