Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, or any properties in this work that I did not make myself. Any resemblance of any property/company that may be in this story is exclusively done for parody.
Harold of Konoha
Chapter seven: The blood-Toonbiico wars (AKA Massacring for MacGuffins)
Over in the village of Konohagakure, Naruto Uzumaki, the sixth and current Hokage, was finishing up a few pages of paperwork. Well, a shadow clone that Naruto made was filling out the paperwork; the real man himself (while not wearing a shirt) was using an exercise machine he had put in the office. Just because he was the Hokage didn't mean that Naruto was going to let himself fall into being little more than a pencil pusher like most of his predecessors; at the very least, he was going to try to keep himself in shape.
As (the real) Naruto finished his one-hundred and fiftieth rep, there was a knock at door. The doppelganger that was filling out the paperwork vanished, Naruto got off of his exercise machine, quickly threw on a shirt, and sat at his desk. All in under a second (those who claim Naruto to be 'a second yellow flash' weren't exactly exaggerating). "Come in," the sixth lord Hokage called out, and in response two businessmen walked into Naruto's office.
The two businessmen both wore business suits; the one on Naruto's left wore a light gray suit whereas the one on Naruto's right wore a traditional black business suit. Each businessman wore dress pants of the same color as their respective suit. Both wore black ties, black shoes, and both carried dark brown leather briefcases. Aside from the overall color of the suits worn by the businessmen, the one on Naruto's left was noticeably younger than the one on Naruto's right; whereas the right side businessman was in his mid to late fifties (by Naruto's estimation), the one on Naruto's left couldn't be any older than Naruto himself. The younger businessman had medium-long black hair, whereas the older businessman (who was balding) had graying brown hair; judging by how much luster it had, the older businessman took care of it very well.
"We are here to see the Lord Sixth Hokage," said the older businessman.
"That would be me," Naruto replied, "I was just finishing up some paperwork here." ("Thank goodness for my shadow clones and the fact that we share memories and experience," Naruto thought.)
"We are from the Playtendo corporation," the younger businessman explained, "And are here to inform you that the newest wave of Toonbiico figures will be launched in two weeks."
"You know what Toonbiicos are, yes?" asked the first businessman.
"Aren't they those little figurines that are used with that Toonbiico Toy Box game on the Playtendo PiiU?" Naruto replied, "Also, that's a very unfortunate name for your company's video game console."
"We are paying development through the nose to come up with a less silly name for the next console our company will release," the older business man explained, "But that is not why we are here."
"Our company has a mission that we would like Konoha to undertake," the younger businessman explained as he stepped forward. He laid his briefcase on Naruto's desk, popped it open, and turned it around so that Naruto could see what was inside. It was a selection of various figures that were to be used in conjunction with the aforementioned video game console.
"These are half of the Toonbiicos that make up the newest wave that will be released in two weeks," the younger businessman explained, "My partner has the other half of the wave in his briefcase."
"The mission that our company is requesting is that one of your village's shinobi playtest the newest wave of Toonbiico figures," the older businessman continued, pulling out a file and handing it to Naruto. Opening the file, Naruto saw that it was a few forms that were basically checklist of gameplay instances that they would like for the new Toonbiicos to be used in.
"So you want to make sure that these new toys function properly before they're sold to the general public," Naruto stated, as if he was trying to see if he got it right.
"That is correct, Lord Sixth Hokage," the older businessman replied.
Laying the form that he was handed down on his desk, Naruto said, "I've heard how seriously this whole 'Toonbiico' business is taken, so I don't really see any problem with what you guys are requesting."
"So will Konoha take up this mission?" the younger businessman asked.
"We will take it," Naruto answered, drawing light sighs of relief from the two businessmen. Getting up, Naruto walked over to a tall shelving unit in his office. "Before I can assign a Konoha shinobi to this mission, there are some forms that, as the clients, you will have to fill out," Naruto explained as he pulled a small blank scroll from the shelving unit.
Later that day, Harold Fisher and Inoichi Yamanaka, two of Konoha's oldest shinobi, were running at full speed over to the Uzumaki residence. "Are you sure the rumors are true?!" Harold asked his best friend as the two men ran.
"My son-in-law walked into Lord Sixth's office as the clients were filling out the paperwork," Inoichi explained, "A complete set of the newest wave of Toonbiicos is up for grabs!"
"You really think Lord Sixth will give us the mission?" Harold asked as the two men reached the base of the steps that led up to the Uzumaki residence.
Climbing up with Harold at his side, the Yamanaka patriarch said, "One can only hope, dude! One can only hope!" The two older men reached the front door of the Uzumaki residence, and after Inoichi knocked on the door, it was answered by Hinata Uzumaki, whose Byakugan eyes widened slightly in surprise to see the two older men.
"Oh, Mr. Fisher, Mr. Yamanaka," Hinata greeted, "Umm, Haru's over playing video games with Natsu, Mr. Fisher. I don't think Shikaru's coming over though, Mr. Yamanaka."
"We heard that your husband Lord Sixth has a mission from the good folks at Playtendo up for grabs," Inoichi explained, "Harold and I would like to undertake that mission."
"Oh, you mean the one about the Toonbiicos?" Hinata replied.
"It's the newest wave!" Harold nearly exclaimed in explanation, "There's finally Toonbiicos for Master Splinter and Optimus Prime and Cyborg!"
"And Fluttershy!" Inoichi added, barely able to restrain himself from exclaiming.
"Oh, umm, sorry to disappoint you two," Hinata began, "But Naruto already gave the mission to Natsu."
"WHAT?!" the two older men exclaimed, now unable to hold themselves back.
"Natsu collects Toonbiicos as well," Hinata explained, "She was really happy to get the Toonbiico for alpha mode Toothless earlier than she expected."
"Oh yeah, that's released in the newest set as well," Harold remarked.
"If you want, Natsu and Haru are inside play testing the Toonbiicos," Hinata explained, "Haru's helping Natsu with the multiplayer functionality the new figures have with Toonbiico Toy Box." Hinata barely stepped aside to let Harold and Inoichi in when the two older men practically stampeded their way inside.
In the living room of the Uzumaki residence, Harold and Inoichi saw that Harold's grandnephew Haru and Haru's friend Natsu were playing some story mode in their video game. "Oh, hey Uncle Harold," Haru greeted, "What's up?"
"You guys have the newest Toonbiicos!" Harold exclaimed.
Turning to face Natsu, Haru said, "Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that my Uncle Harold and Shikaru's grandpa Inoichi are both serious Toonbiico collectors."
"My father told me that Lord Fifth Kazekage's older brother Kankuro, who Shikaru's grandpa is friends with, is also a serious Toonbiico fanatic," Natsu added.
"I'm guessing that you were hoping to get this mission?" Haru asked his granduncle.
"It would have saved Team Lager two weeks of waiting," Harold replied in a sad tone.
"Team Lager?" Natsu repeated in a confused tone.
"My uncle Harold, Shikaru's grandpa, Bankai's grandma, and that Kankuro fellow that Shikaru's grandpa is friends with formed a professional gamer team that they named Team Lager," Haru explained, "They're very good at console gaming. I don't think they've ever lost to any other team before."
"Wow, I'd hate to see such skilled gamers as your granduncle and his friends dabble in my chosen field," Natsu remarked in an impressed tone.
"Will you be allowed to keep the Toonbiicos that you're play testing?" Inoichi asked.
"They're as good as the figures that will be launched in two weeks, so yes," Natsu explained, "The clients said that the Toonbiicos here are part of the mission reward."
"Natsu seriously got Raphael two weeks early!" Haru said in an impressed tone, "I seriously can't believe that- Oh crud! Natsu, our characters are caught in a TMNT-themed trap!"
Looking to the TV screen, the young Uzumaki/Hyuga girl said, "Oh no! We have to break out quickly!" Harold and Inoichi looked to the TV screen and saw that two characters, Raphael from the 2012 TMNT series and alpha mode Toothless from Dragons 2 were being forced to do the 'go ninja, go ninja, go' dance from the second live action TMNT movie from the 1980s.
"You kids were doing that instance?" Harold remarked, "And with new Toonbiicos?! They're probably too low a level to tackle that instance safely!"
"We played a few instances using one new Toonbiico with one of the older ones Natsu owns," Haru explained, "Which was one of the things Natsu had to test for the mission, by the way."
"It was kind of funny seeing 2012 Raphael doing an instance with Teen Titans Go Raven," Natsu commented. A few minutes passed, when Haru and Natsu finally completed the instance in their game, Harold and Inoichi took their leave. Walking away from the Uzumaki residence, Inoichi took out a cell phone and made a call.
"Kankuro, this is Inoichi," the older Yamanaka man began once the other end picked up, "We failed to secure the new Toonbiico mission." Harold watched as Inoichi listened to the response. "Well how were Harold and I suppose to know that Lord Sixth would give the mission to his daughter?" Inoichi said into his phone, "It looks like Team Lager will have to wait out the remaining two weeks to get the new Toonbiicos ourselves." After a few more seconds, Inoichi hung up, slipped the cell phone in his pocket, and turned to face Harold.
"Well Kankuro took it better than I expected," Inoichi said to his best friend, "Now how will be break the news to Tsume?"
"Well first off, we should stop off at the store and buy a twelve pack of Pape Konoha's Brand Lager," Harold began, "Tsume will need a drink, and so will we."
"Oh God, this is going to be the most painful two weeks in my life," Inoichi moaned in complaint.
(TWO WEEKS LATER)
Harold, Inoichi, Tsume, Kuromaru and Kankuro were all waiting outside of a large department-style toy store. Looking at the very vast crowd before them, Harold huffed, "We wouldn't be in this mess if Lord Sixth saved the mission for Team Lager."
"Even if our team got the mission, we'd still have to get additional Toonbiicos so that both our Konoha and Suna locales have a complete set of the newest wave," Kankuro pointed out, "The mission would have saved us a bit of money in spending on Toonbiicos."
"Wait a minute," Tsume began, "Some of the Toonbiicos are exclusive to the video game store, some are exclusive to the department store's video game section, and some are exclusive here. How will we get them all?"
"I have men at the two locations that we aren't covering," Kankuro explained, "That's one of the perks of being a member of the Kazekage's family."
"Woah dude, you must be loaded!" Harold remarked.
"Top kek!" Inoichi praised, giving Kankuro a double thumbs-up.
"So we only have to worry about the Toonbiicos exclusive here," Tsume said as she pulled a list from one of the pockets on her flask jacket. Unfolding the list, the Inuzuka matriarch said, "That would be Master Splinter from the 2012 TMNT series, Teen Titans Go Cyborg, alpha mode Toothless from Dragons 2, and that pony thing that Inoichi has a window decal of on the rear window of his car."
"Hey, it's not my fault that Fluttershy is best pony," Inoichi remarked.
"You mean Rarity," Kankuro corrected as he checked his wristwatch, "But that's beside the point. The point is that the store is going to open in five seconds from now."
"Five seconds?!" Harold exclaimed as he pointed dramatically at the front door of the toy store, "They honestly expect all of us to wait five frigg'en sec-"
Suddenly, the front doors of the toy store slid open, and an employee of the toy store came walking out. "Hi folks," the toy store employee greeted, "Sorry to make you all-"
"The store's open!" a random member of the crowd shouted, prompting the entire crowd of people waiting outside to rush in, stampeding over the employee.
Once everyone who waited outside the toy store got in, it was chaos. Pure, unadulterated chaos. Fists were flying, people stampeded over other people, and some folks even STABBED others with kunai (keep in mind that there were ninja in the crowd of customers). As all of this was going on, Harold and company struggled their way to the video game section of the toy store, where the Toonbiicos would be stocked at.
"Not five seconds after the bloody place opens," Kuromaru began in a tone of shock with a mix of mild disgust, "And already folks have literally KILLED to get those blasted toys!"
"Look on the bright side," Tsume said to her canine companion, "It's not Black Friday. Imagine what this all would look like if it was Black Friday!"
"I heard that last year on Black Friday, Lord Sixth had to send no less than half a dozen team of shinobi to various stores around Konoha because folks from around the village were scared of doing the shopping themselves," Inoichi explained, "The villagers who hired those shinobi teams ended up having to pay B-rank mission fees at least."
"I went shopping on Black Friday last year in Suna," Kankuro added, "I had to kill no less than half a dozen mid-forties women JUST to get the gift I had in mind for Gaara. Two of those women turned out to be Suna shinobi."
"Capitalism at its finest," Kuromaru remarked in a sarcastic monotone. As Harold and his group reached the entrance area for the video game department, they were stopped by a somewhat disheveled-looking older woman who had three housecats in the basket of her cart.
"Yer not getting those new Toonbiicos before ME!" the older woman snapped at Harold and company.
"Oh snap! It's a crazy old cat lady!" Harold exclaimed, his eyes widening in fear.
"Don't worry boys," Tsume said as she and Kuromaru stepped forward, "We'll handle this."
"I'm only taking part in this to make sure no one gets killed," Kuromaru declared as Harold, Inoichi and Kankuro ran past the fight that was about to ensue.
"God speed, dog," Harold said to Kuromaru, shooting the Inuzuka ninja dog a salute before he and the other male humans disappeared into the crowd inside of the video game area.
Having just entered the video game area of the Toy Store, Harold, Inoichi and Kankuro were forced to run through an aisle containing mostly movie DVDs for safety; this put them on the far end of the video game area, the end opposite of where the Toonbiicos would be. "Crud! At this rate, we'll miss out on the new Toonbiicos!" Inoichi exclaimed, "We stampeded over that lower class single-parent family on welfare and food stamps for nothing!"
"Well we didn't want to end up like that family ourselves, do we?!" Harold replied as he, Inoichi and Kankuro pushed their way through the ever increasingly mad crowd of Toonbiico collectors. Just as they were about to exit the movie DVD aisle they were in, Harold and the boys were stopped by half a dozen identically dressed men wearing bandanas over the lower halves of their faces, sunglasses, and afros. The men proceeded to do a short river dance, ending with them turning around 360 degrees and delivering a collective stomp on the ground, a display obviously meant to intimidate Harold, Inoichi and Kankuro.
Leaning closer to Harold and Inoichi, Kankuro whispered, "Toonbiico releases bring out all the weirdos."
"I know, right?" the Fisher patriarch remarked.
"Don't worry, dudes," the Suna puppet master said to the older Konoha shinobi, "I got this one." Stepping forward towards the masked river dancers, Kankuro grabbed the front of his shirt, then in one swift motion, ripped off not only the shirt, but the rest of Kankuro's outfit as well, revealing another outfit that consisted of nothing more than a grass skirt and a beaded necklace that looked to be of tribal make. Kankuro also had pare of mere (1) tucked into the waste of the grass skirt.
Kankuro assumed a battle stance, and proceeded to dance while chanting at the river dancers, "Ka mate, ka mate! Ka ora ka ora! Ka mate, ka mate! Ka ora ka ora! Tenei te tangata puhuruhuru Nana nei I tiki mai whakawhiti te ra! A upane! Ka, upane! A upane, ka upane whiti te ra!" (2) Kankuro finished his dance by sticking his tongue out at the river dancers. Pulling both mere out from the waste of his grass skirt, Kankuro charged at the river dancers while shouting.
With Kankuro distracting the river dancers, Harold and Inoichi proceeded to run past the scene. "Kankuro is a better man than either of us, taking the fall for us like that," Inoichi remarked as he and Harold made their way further into the video game area of the toy store.
"Who knew that your buddy Kankuro was such a great dancer, by the way?" Harold remarked to his best friend.
Having escaped the DVD aisle of the video game area, Harold and Inoichi made their way into a somewhat open space in the video game area. "Look!" Harold exclaimed, pointing to a shelf amongst all of the fighting, "It's the new Toonbiicos! There's still Master Splinter Toonbiicos left! And ones for Cyborg! And Toothless!"
"And Fluttershy!" Inoichi added. The two older ninja proceeded to run for the shelf with the new Toonbiicos, but they stopped when something landed in front of the shelf.
It was a semi-leonine creature that was roughly the size of a Clydesdale. Its front half was eagle-like, its feathers a dark gray with the occasional white spot here and there. Its beak was a dark gray coal color, its eyes a piercing golden yellow, its legs a somewhat lighter shade of gray, and its talons jet black. The back half took the older Konoha shinobi by surprise; it was equine in nature, a very dark brown in coloration, with hooves the same color as the talons, and a light brown horse's tail. The creature unfolded its wings and held them aloft, as if it were intending to take flight. The creature gave Harold and Inoichi a piercing glare, then screeched in a very loud, intimidating manner.
Harold and Inoichi both screamed in fear, with Harold pointing at the creature. "Is that an eagle?!" the older Fisher man exclaimed.
"That's a frigg'en HIPPOGRIFF!" (3) Inoichi exclaimed, correcting his closest friend as the two men hugged each other without even thinking about it; they were that freaked out by the hippogriff. Letting go of Harold, Inoichi leaped forward at the hippogriff with one foot sticking out. "Flying Grandpa Kick!" the older Yamanaka man shouted, slamming the hippogriff in the side of its neck (somewhere at the base) and sending the creature stumbling backwards.
Turning to face his best friend, Inoichi said, "Harold, dude, go and grab two each of the newest Toonbiicos! I'll keep our feathered friend here busy!" Inoichi turned his attention back to the hippogriff, who shook its head, looked at Inoichi, and screeched in an angry tone. Doing the 'bring it on' gesture with both hands, Inoichi said to the hippogriff in a challenging manner, "Come and get some, birdbrain!"
As Inoichi tangoed with a magnificent creature of myth, Harold snuck past the fight to collect two each of the newest Toonbiicos (both locals for Team Lager needed its own copy of each Toonbiico, after all). "God speed, dude," Harold thought somberly as he left Inoichi behind, a single tear managing to find its way down the Fisher patriarch's right cheek, "God speed."
Harold was alone now, running in a desperate attempt to reach the cash registers with the Toonbiicos that he and the rest of Team Lager worked and sacrificed so much for. Harold was not about to let their efforts be in vain; not Tsume and Kuromaru, who were left to fight the crazy cat lady, not Inoichi's brony friend from Suna, who took on the half a dozen river dancers alone, and especially not Inoichi himself, who was at this moment fighting myth itself. All of this had been done so that Harold and the rest of Team Lager could get the prize that they all came for. Just as Harold was about to reach the registers, a voice called out, "Not so fast!"
"Oh Goddamn it," Harold snapped angrily as he turned to see who had just called out, "What the hell is it this time?!"
"It is I, Gato!" the voice's owner called out. Suddenly, a somewhat older looking Gato stepped out, dressed as finely as he was back during the Land of Waves incident.
"You!" Harold exclaimed, "How are you alive?! You died back when my niece was twelve!"
"Oh, I'm not the original Gato, but a lab-grown CLONE of the original!" Gato explained as he was on the verge of maniacal laughter, "You see, the scientists from that lab that created me used a DNA sample of the original Gato to make me, so they could have me go out on new Toonbiico release dates to acquire the newly released Toonbiicos for them, while they remained safe!"
"That's insane!" Harold exclaimed.
"Oh, but the scientists did MORE than just use illegal experimentations to bring Gato back," the Gato clone continued, "They also gave me some... enhancements."
"Enhancements?" Harold repeated in a confused tone, "The hell are you on about, you crazy frigg'en clone?!" Suddenly, the Gato clone shouted skyward as his body surged with strength. Suddenly, the Gato clone not only grew at least two feet in height, but he also became incredibly muscular as well.
"Now you will see the true marvels of science!" the Gato clone proclaimed in a heavier sounding voice, pointing a finger at Harold.
"All of this," Harold retorted, "For the new Toonbiicos?!"
"Hey, at least today isn't Black Friday," the Gato clone replied in a casual tone with a shrug, "Imagine what the scientists who created me would have me do if it were Black Friday instead." With that, the Gato clone stalked towards Harold, each step so powerful that Harold could feel vibrations in the floor.
"Well then…" Harold thought, "…This is it. Sorry, Team Lager. Look like we won't-"
"Chidori! One thousand birds!
"Rasengan! Spiral chakra sphere!"
The calling out of attacks brought Harold out of his thoughts; Harold was further brought back to reality when he saw the Gato clone stumble back, having been attacked by Haru and Natsu; Haru's right hand was engulfed in a mass of electrical power, whereas Natsu held a tightly bound spinning sphere of energy in her right hand. Looking to where the thrown back Gato clone laid, there was a jab wound and a wound of tightly twisted skin on his stomach.
"Haru! Haru's little girlfriend!" Harold exclaimed happily as he ran forward to greet the kids, "You kids saved me!"
"Are you and the other older adults here to get new Toonbiicos?" Haru asked.
"Yeah, but Inoichi and the others were distracted by obstacles," Harold explained to his grandnephew, "I'm the only one who hasn't been caught up by a random encounter." Nodding to the Gato clone, who was struggling to get up, Harold added, "Not until now, though."
"Don't worry," Haru replied, "Natsu and I can take on…whatever that's supposed to be."
"Ask your mother about the Land of Waves incident when you get home," Harold said as he ran to the registers so he could pay for the Toonbiicos. After Harold left, Haru turned to face Natsu.
"Come on, Natsu! We got a big hulk-type bad guy to defeat!" Haru declared.
"I-err-dah-ehh-" Natsu stammered while blushing profusely, unable to properly form a sentence.
Over at the register, Harold walked up, laid all of the Toonbiicos that Team Lager was getting down on the counter, and said to the register clerk in a clearly exhausted tone, "I would like to buy all of these Toonbiicos, please."
"Customers can only buy one of each new Toonbiico," explained the register clerk, a stereotypical dorky teenage male. In response, Harold pulled out a card and showed it to the register clerk, who gasped in shock when he saw it.
"Team Lager?!" the register clerk exclaimed.
"We need one of each Toonbiico for our Konoha and Suna locales," Harold explained.
"I'll ring you up right away, sir," the register clerk replied as he proceeded to scan all of the Toonbiicos. Harold fell to his knees and, while looking at the ground, raised his right fist into the air, a gesture of ultimate triumph.
Later that evening, Harold and the rest of Team Lager were over at Inoichi's place, which is where the Toonbiicos for Team Lager were kept. Inoichi and Kankuro were currently playing Toonbiico Toy Box on the Playtendo PiiU, with Inoichi playing the Fluttershy Toonbiico for Team Lager's Konoha locale. Kankuro brought a carrying case with him from Suna, in which was a selection of six Toonbiicos from previous waves, all carefully nestled inside their own velvet-lined cubbies; Kankuro was using the Rarity Toonbiico from his carrying case. Aside from Inoichi with a few cuts and scrapes and Kankuro wearing only a grass skirt, they looked more or less the same as they did before they entered the toy store earlier that morning.
"Hey, isn't that the same instance Haru and his little girlfriend were playing when Lord Sixth gave them the mission for the Toonbiico play-testing?" Harold asked, "That one pony Toonbiico is too low a level!"
"Yeah yeah, I know that our Fluttershy Toonbiico is only level one," Inoichi replied, "But Kankuro's Rarity Toonbiico is level fifty, the max level, so we should be able to defeat the waves of foot ninja just fi-"
"Inoichi, dude, look!" Kankuro exclaimed worriedly, "Fluttershy and Rarity are trapped doing the 'go ninja, go ninja, go' dance!"
"Oh snap!" Inoichi replied when he saw what was going on, "We got to get them out!"
As Inoichi and Kankuro tried to break their characters out of the in-game trap ("Stop doing that dance, Rarity! It's not chic or magnifique!" Kankuro exclaimed), there was a knock at the door which Harold answered, revealing Naruto, Ino and Gaara.
"Gaara's looking for his brother, and Ino's looking for her dad," Naruto explained before Harold even had a chance to ask.
As the three stepped inside, Gaara saw his brother and went wide-eyed. "Kankuro! Where are your clothes?!" the fifth Kazekage exclaimed.
"I tore them off so I could perform my Haka war dance," the older Suna sibling explained casually, having paused the game that he and Inoichi were playing.
"Dad! Why are you so beat up?!" Ino exclaimed worriedly.
"I fought a hippogriff," the Yamanaka patriarch replied.
"Haka war dance?" Gaara thought in a confused tone.
"The hell is a hippogriff?" Ino thought, just as confused at her dad as Gaara was at his brother.
"The point is that Team Lager got two of each of the new Toonbiicos that were sold at the toy store today," Harold said to Ino, Gaara and Naruto.
"Oh, that reminds me," Gaara added, "Hey Kankuro, some of our men bought a lot of Toonbiicos and brought them back to the hotel we're staying at."
"Sweetness! We got the Toonbiicos that were sold at the other locations!" Kankuro said to the rest of Team Lager.
All of Team Lager pumped their fists into the air as they all gave a loud cheer of, "Woohoo!"
END, CHAPTER SEVEN
Author's notes
(1) A type of club used by Maori warriors.
(2) Part of the Ka mate Haka war chant. I had to look this up on the internet.
(3) The hippogriff's name is Feather Edge. He will appear in a future chapter.
Just imagine if such a sale really did take place on Black Friday. I'd be surprised if anyone was still alive afterwards.