Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, or any properties in this work that I did not make myself.
Harold of Konoha
Chapter thirteen: Prison Party (AKA people who worked together and then end up in prison shouldn't be Conveniently Cellmates)
"Alright, ya stains on society! Up 'n at 'em!"
Harold Fisher, the oldest active jonin in Konoha (oldest active ninja overall), along with his best friend Inoichi Yamanaka, were rudely woken up by an overzealous, overweight prison guard. Harold and Inoichi, along with their friend Tsume Inuzuka, and Tsume's daughter-in-law Sakaki, were all serving a prison sentence due to handling/distributing pot. The drug is, at this moment, currently illegal in Konoha.
Sure, the sixth (and current) Hokage, Naruto Uzumaki, is currently working on trying to repeal the ban on pot, and once that's done, those serving prison sentences due exclusively to pot-related offences will have their cases reviewed; Harold and the others were told that they'd pretty much be released after the pot ban is repealed. But until then, Harold and the others are stuck in prison for the time being.
As Harold and Inoichi groggily got up and were led out of their prison cell by the previously mentioned prison guard, along with other guards leading other prisoners out, Harold whispered to Inoichi, "Aren't prison guards like that dude normally black?"
"Ehh, it varies," Inoichi replied, "Anywho, they're leading us to the showers right now. I trust that you'll have my back in case I accidentally drop my soap?"
"I'll have your back if you have mine," Harold agreed with a nod.
Later that morning, the prisoners were all in the prison cafeteria to eat breakfast. Harold and Inoichi, while seated that what had become their usual table, were met up by Tsume and her daughter-in-law Sakaki. "'Sup, boys," Tsume greeted as she and Sakaki sat down opposite of Harold and Inoichi.
"So now that the lot of us are currently in the big house, what should we do?" Inoichi asked.
"I figured I'd try the whole prison experience," Harold replied, "You know, get a prison tattoo, get involved in at least one prison riot, try at least one escape. You know, the whole package."
"This ISN'T a prison comedy, Mr. Fisher," Sakaki stated, putting a noticeable amount of stress behind saying 'isn't'.
"Now Sakaki, I know you're upset about being in prison," Harold said to Sakaki in an understanding tone, "And I know you're concerned about how Bankai will take this. Trust me when I say that he'll think you having served prison time will make you the most badass mother in the history of mothers."
Raising an eyebrow in confusion, Sakaki said, "Really, Mr. Fisher?"
"Hey, this is, like, my fourth time in the big house," Tsume remarked casually with a shrug, "And Bankai says I'm the most badass grandma in the history of grandmas."
"Well alright, I suppose," Sakaki remarked, "But I still don't like the idea of even being is prison in the first place."
"Relax," Harold said in a reassuring tone, "The boys and I have you back."
Later that day, the prisoners were in an outdoor work-out area; Harold was lifting weights while Inoichi was spotting him. Tsume and Sakaki were both watching. "Woo!" Harold exclaimed after setting the weight back on the rack, "That was a workout!" After he put the barbell back, Harold took out a small spiral notebook and a pen from his right back pocket. Flipping the notebook open, Harold clicked the pen, used it to seemingly cross something off of a list, then clicked the pen again before putting it and the little spiral notebook back into his back pocket.
"Well that takes care of the 'lifting weights in prison' item on my checklist," Harold remarked.
"I seriously cannot believe you've actually written up a list of prison clichés that you want to experience," Sakaki remarked to the Fisher patriarch as she shook her head slowly.
"So what's up next on your list, dude?" Inoichi asked.
"Well I wanna try and get that prison tattoo," Harold began, "But the four of us have to get ready for auditioning and practicing for the play that's going to be held on Friday evening."
"Isn't participating in a prison production also on your list?" Sakaki asked sarcastically.
Taking his list back out, Harold took a second to check it before saying, "Hey yeah, it IS on my list!"
"Why am I not surprised?" Sakaki remarked in a monotone.
"So, what's the play about?" Inoichi asked as he and the others started walking towards a door leading to the inside of the prison.
"It's a dramatization of the events leading up to Lord Sixth becoming the Hokage," Harold explained.
"Wait, the play is about Naruto?" Sakaki asked, raising an eyebrow in confusion.
"Given that Lord Sixth is technically a historically significant person, it doesn't surprise me that there's a play about his rise to fame," Tsume remarked with a nod.
"Who wrote the play?" Sakaki asked.
"The guard that's handling the auditions and everything told me that the prison warden wrote it," Inoichi answered, "In fact, the prison warden writes all of the plays that are performed here, from what I've been told. He fancies himself as a master playwright of sorts."
"Oh great," Tsume remarked in a tone showing that she wasn't going to like where this was going, "The warden's one of THOSE kinds of people."
In the prison's theater, a number of prisoners (including Harold and the others) were on stage as a prison guard was sitting in the audience. There were other prison guards at strategic points in the prison theater, so as to prevent the prisoners from causing too much trouble. "Alright, who's trying out first?" the guard in the audience loudly said to the prisoners on stage.
Harold stepped forward at this prompting. "Hello," Harold greeted as he took the center spot on stage, "I am Harold Fisher, and I will be trying out for the role of Lord Sixth's daughter."
"Wait, Naruto's daughter is a character in this play?" Sakaki whispered to Inoichi.
"Yes she is," Inoichi whispered back as he checked his copy of the script, "She won't appear until late into the play, though."
"And Mr. Fisher is trying out for the role of Naruto's daughter," Sakaki said back in a whisper, "Why?!"
"For the lulz," Inoichi explained with a grin, "It's the same reason why I'm trying out for the role of Lord Sixth's wife." After Harold was done with his audition, he walked back to where the prisoners were standing on stage.
"Alright, next prisoner," the guard in the audience called out.
This time, Tsume stepped forward. "Hello," Tsume greeted as she took to the center spot on stage, "I am Tsume Inuzuka, and I will be trying out for the role of Harold Fisher."
Later that day, Harold and the others were in the cafeteria area having dinner. "Can you believe it?!" Tsume snapped, "I did a SPOT ON impression of Harold, and instead the role of Harold was given to Harold himself!"
"I'm guessing that having the actual Mr. Fisher available to play the role of himself was a very alluring opportunity to the guard hosting the auditions," Sakaki pointed out.
"I would have TOTALLY rocked the role of Lord Sixth's daughter," Harold said in a mildly upset tone.
"Hey Harold," Inoichi began, "I know just the thing to make you feel better."
"What would that be?" Harold asked.
"Continuing the process of doing the things on your 'prison experience' checklist," Inoichi pointed out, "I'm thinking we should try the riot one."
"No, no you two are NOT starting a prison riot!" Sakaki declared.
"Geez, you're worse that Kuromaru," Tsume remarked in an annoyed tone, "They're just wanting to blow off some steam. Plus, Harold needs to experience as many of the things on his list before we're all released. Let them have their fun."
"There's a problem, though," Harold said to the women in his group, "I have no idea what would be the best way to start a riot."
"I just had an idea," Inoichi replied as he patted his best friend on the right shoulder, "Watch this." Inoichi got up from the table he and his group was seated at, then walked a few tables over, and got the attention on one of the prisoners sitting at that table. He was at least six feet tall, had a shaved head, was very muscular, and he wore a sleeveless orange prison jumpsuit; on both biceps you can see that the prisoner had the symbol of the survey corps tattooed. "Hey dude," Inoichi said to the prisoner once he had his attention.
"What do you want?" the prisoner snapped, annoyed that his dinner was interrupted.
"You see that guy over there?" Inoichi asked, pointing out another prisoner; this prisoner was as tall as the first one, yet he wasn't anywhere near as muscular (he was thin yet healthy), and had long, dishwater blonde dreadlocks.
"Yeah, what about that jerk?" the first prisoner asked.
"He said, and I'm quoting him on this one," Inoichi replied, "That 'Attack on Titan' is a vastly inferior series compared to 'Sword Art Online'."
"THAT SON OF A BITCH!" the first prisoner exclaimed, slamming his hands on the table surface as he got up.
Inoichi walked back to the table his group was at in time to watch the first prisoner slug the second one in the face. The other prisoners sitting at the table with the second prisoner got up and started fighting the first prisoner. Before half a minute passed, pretty much every last one of the prisoners in the cafeteria area, save for Harold and his group, started fighting each other. Harold and the others watched as the prison guards were trying and (so far) failing to quell the prison riot that Inoichi started. Turning to face his best friend, Harold said, "Thank you."
"No problem," Inoichi replied as he patted Harold on the back, "Now go get 'em."
The next day, Inoichi was sitting in his cell, reading a book brought to him by the prison librarian, when two prison guards led Harold back to the cell. "Let that paddling we gave you be a lesson to deter you from trying to escape via hiding in a laundry cart full of dirty prison jumpsuits," the one guard said as he and his companion threw Harold back into the cell.
After closing the cell door behind Harold, Inoichi looked at his best friend and said, "The punishment for attempting to escape prison in Konoha is a paddling?"
"My ass may feel hotter than the light of a thousand suns, but at least my sentence wasn't extended," Harold replied as he pulled out his little checklist to cross of 'attempt to escape from prison'.
After he put the little notebook and pen back into his right back pocket, Harold asked, "What are you reading?"
"One of the 'Friendship is Magic' chapter books," Inoichi replied, "It's the one centered around Discord."
"I'm surprised that the prison library would have one of those books," Harold remarked as he crawled onto the top bunk (Inoichi sat on the bottom bunk).
"I'm kind of surprised they have it as well," Inoichi remarked as Harold pulled his copy of the script for the prison play on Friday out from under his pillow.
"I have to practice my lines for my role in the play on Friday," Harold said, "You should practice too, dude."
"It sucks that I didn't get the role of Lord Sixth's wife that I tried out for," Inoichi remarked as he put a bookmark in his book, set it aside, and pulled out his own copy of the prison play script out from under his pillow.
"Oh yeah," Harold said, "What role did you get instead?"
"I'm playing the role of myself," Inoichi replied.
"You're a character in the play, too?" Harold said, "Dude! I'M a character in the play! And I'm playing myself!"
"It's remarkable that the prison warden considers our interactions with Lord Sixth important enough to make us characters in the play about Lord Sixth's life," Inoichi said, "Although to be completely honest, it would have been funny as hell if we both got the roles we respectively tried out for."
"My grandnephew hangs out with Hiashi's granddaughter enough that I have a fairly decent idea about how to act as her," Harold remarked, "That girl is essentially all about video games, cinnamon rolls, and cats."
Later that day, Harold was whistling a happy, upbeat tune as he sat down at the usual table he and his group always sat at. "Why are you so chipper?" Tsume asked Harold before shoveling a forkful of prison food into her mouth.
"I crossed off another item on my 'prison experience' checklist," Harold explained.
"Yeah, which item was it, dude?" Inoichi asked. Before Harold was able to answer, two guards went running past their table.
"One of the prisoners was found stabbed to death in the showers?!" the first guard said.
"We're going to have to search all of the prisoners for a shiv, it looks like," the second guard replied before he and his companion were out of earshot.
Looking to Harold, Sakaki said in a shocked tone, "You DIDN'T, Mr. Fisher."
"Hey, it was one of the prison snitches anyway," Harold replied indifferently with a shrug, "Besides, I planted the toothbrush whose handle I sharpened into a shiv on another prisoner."
"Which one?" Tsume asked.
"The big one that Inoichi tricked into starting the riot," Harold explained.
As Inoichi and Tsume shared a laugh, Sakaki shook her head as she said, "I have so much that I have to write in my personal journal when I get out."
After lunch, Harold and his group, along with a few other prisoners, were back on the stage in the prison theater for a practice session for the play on Friday. "Anywho, before we begin," the guard hosting the practice said, "I have some sad news. Lenny Weasel was shivved to death earlier this morning in the prison showers by Bruno Tank. With Lenny's death and Tank being put into solitary, their respective roles of Teuchi the ramen guy and Sakura Uchiha are now currently available."
"Will we be holding try-outs for those roles before we begin practice for today?" one of the prisoners in the group on stage asked.
"Yes, yes we will," replied the guard holding practice, "Who wants to try out for the role of Sakura Uchiha?"
"Yo, I'll give it a shot," Harold said as he raised his right hand.
"I'll give playing as the ramen dude the old college try," Inoichi declared.
"Alright, you two," replied the guard holding practice, "You will have a scene together on page twenty-seven. Flip to that page and try your respective lines."
That evening, Harold and Inoichi were in the men's showers in the prison, having just finished their showers (both men wearing towels around their waists). "Thanks again for helping me keep from dropping my soap," Harold said as he patted Inoichi on the left shoulder.
"I'm pretty sure that getting violated in prison is NOT one of the items on your 'prison experience' list," Inoichi remarked.
"No, no it is not," Harold confirmed, "And neither is violating someone in prison. There is only one person in the world who can have a piece of the awesomeness that is Harold Fisher. And her name is Sophia Fisher."
"Yo, pink hair!" a grouchy sounding male voice called out. Harold and Inoichi saw a large male prisoner approach them; he was at least half a foot taller than Bruno Tank, and somewhat more muscular. However, he also had something of a paunch, but it was of a negligible size at most. "You took the last pudding at dinner," the large prisoner said to in a threatening tone to Harold. Pounding his left fist into his right hand, the large prisoner said, "Both you, and your little blonde friend here since he's close by, are in for a word of hurt! Got any last words before I turn your faces into Picassos?!"
Both Harold and Inoichi panicked, but Inoichi calmed down when he noticed that the large prisoner had a tattoo on his right bicep (the large prisoner also wore nothing but a towel around his waist). It was a tattoo of a large, six-pointed star that was light purple in color. There were six smaller points, white in color, peeking out from the spaces between the larger points. Around the large light-purple six-pointed star were five smaller white-colored six-pointed stars.
"I have two for you," Inoichi said to the large prisoner as he gave him a frim glare, "Sunshine, sunshine."
"…Ladybugs awake?" the large prisoner replied in a mildly confused tone, lowering his raised fist at the same time.
"Clap your hooves…" Inoichi said, then in unison with the large prisoner said, "And do a little shake!" Inoichi and the large prisoner then did a double high-five while saying, "Booya!"
As Inoichi and the large prisoner shared a laugh, Harold asked, "Yo Inoichi, what is going on?"
"Ah ha, it's okay, dude," Inoichi replied, "I don't think this guy will be wanting to pound us in the face."
"Yo man, pink-hair here is with you?" the large prisoner asked Inoichi.
"Yeah, he and I have been best friends since we were both three," Inoichi explained.
"Aww man, sorry for threating to pound you and pink-hair in the face," the large prisoner apologized, "It's just that I really like pudding."
"Hey, my adult daughter also loves pudding," Inoichi explained, "She once punched out my friend Choza's son for accidentally dropping and spilling a vanilla pudding cup."
Pointing to Harold, the large prisoner asked, "Is pink-hair here that Choza dude you brought up?"
"Nah, this is Harold Fisher," Inoichi corrected.
"Oh! He's a character in the play on Friday," the large prisoner remarked. To Harold, the large prisoner said, "I'm in the play too. I'm playing the role of someone named Sophia Fisher. You know who that is?"
"That's…my wife," Harold replied, stunned that the large prisoner will be playing the role of Sophia.
"Oh, umm, wow," the large prisoner remarked in an embarrassed tone, "Can't believe I almost pounded my co-star in the face. Over pudding."
"Ehh, Ino's done worse over pudding," Inoichi remarked with a casual shrug. (1)
That Friday evening, prisoners gathered in the prison theater to watch the play. Stepping on stage in front of the drawn curtains was the prison warden. He was tall, had a lean yet healthy build, his light brown hair was brushed and slicked back, and the warden wore a suit. The kind that you'd normally see a prison warden wear. "Thank you all for coming to the opening night of my latest production," the warden said to the audience of prisoners.
"It's not like we have a choice in the matter, asshole!" a random prisoner in the audience shouted.
"And without further ado," the warden continued, "I present to you 'Uzumaki: The life of a Hokage'." The prison warden got off of the stage so that the play could begin. The prisoners in the audience cheered and clapped as the play began, but it was mostly out of doing so for the sake of formality.
Sometime the following week, Harold and his group were standing in a meeting room; opposite of them was a long table at which six high ranking prison guards sat. Sitting dead center, with three guards on each side, was the prison warden himself. "Since Lord Sixth had officially repealed the pot ban late yesterday evening, we are required to review the cases of prisoners that are in due exclusively to pot-related charges," the warden began, "Depending on the severity of the charge or charges any prisoner may have, changes to that prisoner's punishment may range from anywhere between a reduction in the length of one's sentence to releasing the prisoner altogether."
"You four, for example," said the prison guard on the warden's immediate left, "Are to be released from prison."
"Woohoo!" Harold cheered, pumping both fists into the air.
"Uhh, yes," the warden remarked in an unsure tone, having been surprised by Harold's exclamation, "The fact that the extent of your usage was constricted exclusively to consuming cannabis that was baked into brownies, the four of you weren't going to stay in prison all that long anyway. Even with the fact that your cannabis brownies were consumed by Lord Sixth's wife and daughter without either of them knowing what was in the brownies they ate."
"Reports also claimed that Lord Sixth's daughter's cat licked up a few crumbs and, as such, also fell under the effects of cannabis," said the guard on the warden's immediate right, "Although I'm doubting the part that says, and I'm quoting the report on this one, 'Lord Sixth's daughter's cat literally flew over Konoha airspace'." (2)
"You'd be surprised to hear how often talking cats gain and or are born with the ability to fly," Sakaki remarked to the guard.
After that guard acknowledged Sakaki's remark with a nod, the warden continued, "Well anywho, as per the request made by Harold Fisher, Inoichi Yamanaka and Tsume Inuzuka, each of them shall be provided with a briefcase, a necktie, and either a trilby hat or a fedora."
Looking to Tsume and the men, Sakaki said, "Why would all three of you each want those things?"
"The boys and I will all wear the hats and neckties that we're provided with, and carry the briefcase we're provided with as we leave the prison," Harold explained, "Since we've been released and all."
Face palming, Sakaki muttered, "Why did I even bother asking?"
That evening, Harold was back at his home, enjoying dinner with his family. His wife, Sophia, sat next to him at the dining table. Going clockwise around the table starting from Sophia, Sakura, Sasuke, Haru, Mebuki and Kizashi (the last of those seated on Harold's other side) were all seated at the table. "Here's to my brother-in-law getting released from prison," Kizashi said as he raised his glass into the air.
After everyone else raised their glasses into the air for the toast, Sakura said, "Hey Aunt Sophia, I'm surprised you haven't yet expressed any disappointment in Uncle Harold for getting arrested."
"Oh, he's gotten in bigger trouble for worse things," Sophia remarked causally, "Plus, it's rather hard for me to get mad at Harold, much less stay mad at him."
"You don't say," Sasuke said, stabbing a bit of pork chop with his fork.
Nodding in confirmation, Sophia said, "Why, I haven't been able to get angry at anyone for essentially any reason since before Sakura turned ten."
"That reminds me, Sophia, I've noticed that you've been practically totally calm for twenty or so years," Mebuki pointed out, "How do you manage it? Is it some sort of meditation technique or breathing exercise or anything else along those lines? Because if so, I'd love it if you'd show me. I can't tell you how much I could have used something along those lines when Kizashi forgot my birthday last year."
"I said I was sorry, dear!" Kizashi exclaimed.
"Hmm, let me think…" Sophia said, looking up at the ceiling as she tapped her lips with her right index finger. After a few seconds, Sophia snapped her fingers and said, "Aha! I think I have it!"
"So what's your secret to staying so calm and collected, despite the fact you're married to my older brother?" Mebuki asked.
"I believe it has something to do with my cooking," Sophia remarked.
As everyone else around the table looked at the Fisher matriarch, Haru said, "Your cooking? Well you DO make some really good peanut butter cookies, Aunt Sophia."
Chuckling softly, Sophia said, "Thank you, dear. In fact, I didn't really get to sell the peanut butter cookies I made for the bake sale from a short while ago. If you want, you can have some after dinner."
"Yes!" Haru cheered, pumping a fist into the air, causing Sophia and Mebuki to both chuckle.
"But back to the subject at hand, Sophia," Mebuki said, "You claim that your calm demeanor has something to do with your cooking?"
Nodding, Sophia said, "Well not so much the food I make itself, rather than the ingredients I use. The oregano, in particular."
"Oregano?" Sakura asked. Getting up, Sophia walked over to a cabinet in the kitchen, opened it, and pulled out a sandwich-sized plastic bag filled with a dark-greenish plant-like item.
"I ran out of oregano one time when I was doing some cooking," Sophia explained, "Then I found this bag of oregano that Harold picked up. It wasn't store-bought, given that it came in the little plastic bag, so I assume that he bought it down at the farmer's market…and…umm, everyone, why are you staring at me like I messed up?"
Everyone at the table stared at the Fisher matriarch with wide-eyed shock. Everyone except Haru, who remarked, "Wow, that must be some awesome oregano."
Looking to the other adults at the table, Harold in particular, Sakura said, "Well at least it's legal now." (3)
END, CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Author's Notes:
(1) Given how much she loves eating pudding, it's rather surprising how Ino manages to stay so thin.
(2) Natsu STILL lacks the badge that would allow Pantherlily use Fly outside of battle.
(3) If it makes you feel any better, Sophia never used any 'oregano' in any baked goods she made, cookies for Haru included.
I would like to sincerely apologize for having to take down the chapter temporarily; I had meant to upload it earlier properly, but due to obligations I had today, such as attending a club meeting and going to a blood drive, I uploaded the chapter in a less than perfect form when I was done. Hopefully this will be fixed.