Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, or any properties in this work that I did not make myself.
Harold of Konoha
Chapter seventeen: Starved Slim (AKA this ain't your normal kind of Weighty Aesop)
Over in the village of Sunagakure, the current Kazekage, Gaara, was going over a file at his desk at the Kazekage office building. As Gaara worked, his older brother, Kankuro, came walking in. "Hey Gaara, you won't believe what I found while I was cleaning up the den at home," Kankuro said as he walked up to Gaara's desk.
"Wait, what were you doing cleaning up the den?" Gaara asked, looking at his older brother with an incredulous look.
Tossing a photo album onto Gaara's desk, Kankuro said, "Ready for a trip down memory lane?"
"Will any stop on this trip remind me of how much of a psychotic turd-nozzle I used to be?" Gaara asked. Looking mildly alarmed, Kankuro quickly took the album back and proceeded to flip through it, remove various photos from it here and there before handing it back to Gaara.
"No, not one photo that is in this album will bring back any such memories," Kankuro replied.
Opening the album, Gaara saw some old but sweet photos. As he looked, the Kazekage couldn't help but crack a smile. "Heh, here's a picture of you, me and Temari during a birthday party for you," Gaara said as he pointed out a picture. Walking around the desk to stand next to Gaara, Kankuro looked over his little brother's shoulder and saw the photo in question.
"Heh, yeah, that was a really good party, huh?" Kankuro remarked.
A look of mild confusion appearing on his face as he looked at the photo in question, Gaara said, "Hang on. Why is Temari chubby in this picture? I never recall her ever having any such issue with her weight."
"Oh yeah, you were too young at the time to remember this, but Temari used to be quite the porker," Kankuro explained, "Of course, a diet and exercise regimen fixed that quickly enough."
Looking again at the picture, Gaara remarked in a somber tone, "I wonder what Temari would have said about this picture if she hadn't died in that traffic accident in Konoha years ago."
"She would have said that she was ashamed to have ever been that huge," Kankuro said, and when Gaara looked at him in a confused manner he continued, "Oh come on now, little brother. You know how girls all over the place tend to be obsessed with losing weight."
"I guess you're right," Gaara replied as he closed the photo album. Scooting his chair back from his desk, Gaara said as he got up, "Now back to my previous question. What were you doing cleaning up the den?" (1)
Over in Konohagakure the next morning, over at the Uzumaki residence, Naruto was sitting at the dining table, drinking a mug of coffee. Hinata, who is married to Naruto, was making some food for breakfast. "So, anything big happening today?" Hinata asked as she walked over and sat at the table.
"Sasuke, Shikamaru and I are planning on heading on to the shipyard where The Hanamaru was built," Naruto replied.
Shifting around uncomfortably, Hinata said, "It's a shame what happened to Konoha's first airship."
"Well at least Kiba's mom used The Hanamaru to crash into and kill a powerful ninja that attacked Konoha during the Chunnin Exams and damn, why does that last part sound so familiar?" Naruto replied.
"By the way, did you remember to send that award for service to Konoha to Kiba's mother?" Hinata asked.
"Oh yeah, that slipped my mind," Naruto replied. Draining the last of the coffee from his mug, Naruto put the mug in the sink and said, "Well dear, I'm off to work now. The village can't run itself."
Getting up from the table, Hinata walked up to Naruto and kissed him on the cheek. "You take care now," Hinata replied.
"Oh by the way, you heard Natsu get up in the middle of the night to throw up in the bathroom, right?" Naruto asked, "I think she's been in the bathroom all morning as well."
"She must be sick," Hinata agreed, "I'll get her some medicine while I'm out in town today."
"I hope it's not something serious," Naruto remarked as he walked out the door.
Harold Fisher, Inoichi Yamanaka, Tsume Inuzuka and Tsume's ninja dog Kuromaru were all standing around the smoldering remains of what was once a vehicle. "Okay," Kuromaru began in a clearly annoyed tone, "How are you three going to explain to Lord Sixth that you've totaled yet ANOTHER ice cream truck?!"
"Okay, now in our defense," Inoichi began, "The boys and I were under the impression that we had a mail truck this time."
"We were trying to shake things up a bit," Tsume stated.
"Hey, you know what would be a cool vehicle to have?" Harold asked rhetorically.
"The General Lee?" Inoichi suggested.
"The Batmobile?" Tsume offered.
"Something other than an ice cream truck?" Kuromaru offered sarcastically.
"…Actually, I was thinking of the DeLorean," Harold replied, "But what you guys said gave me an even BETTER idea! A super-vehicle that is a mix of the Batmobile, the General Lee AND the DeLorean!"
"Holy frigg'en snap, Harold, you are the greatest mind that the history of Konoha has even known!" Inoichi exclaimed.
"Oh sure," Kuromaru agreed in a sarcastic tone, "And hey! While you're at it, why not throw in KITT from Knight Rider?"
"Holy snap, did you guys just hear the brilliant idea that Kuromaru just came up with?!" Tsume remarked in an amazed tone that clearly showed that she had failed to pick up on her dog's sarcasm, "Fusing the General Lee, KITT, the DeLorean AND the Batmobile into a single super-awesome super car!"
"Holy balls, that is the most awesome thing I've ever heard of!" Harold exclaimed.
"Well what the frig are we waiting for?!" Inoichi said, "We should build that car!"
As the three older ninjas were talking excitedly amongst themselves, they heard a young male voice call out, "Hey, Uncle Harold!" The older ninjas all turned and saw that Haru Uchiha, Harold's grandnephew, came walking up.
"Haru, dude!" Harold greeted, "The boys and I are getting ready to build the single greatest hey little man what's with the worried look?" It wasn't until Harold deviating to a different line of thought midsentence that Inoichi, Tsume and Kuromaru saw that Haru was looking worried.
"It's about Natsu," Haru began, his tone showing worry.
"Oh, are you worried she's going to dump you?" Tsume asked, "Do what any sane man would do. Bribe her by getting her a puppy."
"Natsu likes cats over dogs, remember Mrs. Bankai's grandma?" Haru replied.
"…Then I have no idea on how to help you," Tsume said after a few seconds, "I'm sorry. That…that girl is a lost cause."
"So what's the problem then, little dude?" Harold asked, "IS your little girlfriend losing interest in you?"
"What? Oh no, no that isn't it," Haru replied insistently, "The relationship that Natsu and I have going on is strong and healthy."
"So what's eating at you then?" Inoichi asked.
"Natsu's sick," Haru replied, "The boys and I were going to ask Natsu if she wanted to join us for a video game session, but Mrs. Uzumaki said that Natsu's really sick."
"Maybe we should get to work on building that supercar," Harold suggested to his friends, "That'll make Hiashi's granddaughter feel loads better."
"Supercar?" Haru repeated in a confused tone.
"Oh, the boys and I are planning on building a supercar," Harold explained to his grandnephew, "It's going to be a fusion of the General Lee, KITT, the DeLorean and the Batmobile."
"It's going to be the single greatest car in the history of cars," Inoichi declared to Haru, "It will be so awesome, its awesomeness will make things that are regularly awesome, like Rainbow Dash, seem by comparison totally unawesome, like your grandma."
"Yeah, my little sister Mebuki can be a spoil sport from time to time," Harold agreed.
"I'm going to go see what exactly is wrong with Natsu," Haru said as he turned to leave, "And do what I can to help, assuming that Mrs. Uzumaki will let me." Before Haru could start walking, a hand being laid on his shoulder stopped him. Turning around, Haru saw that it was his granduncle who had gotten his attention.
"You truly are growing into what a real man should be, Haru," Harold remarked, "And since the boys and I are going to have to run our plan by Lord Sixth anyway, we'll tag along to the Uzumaki residence."
"You guys DO realize that Lord Sixth will never approve of your plan for the supercar," Kuromaru stated.
"Not if we tell him that it will be part Batmobile," Harold declared, "Lord Sixth's favorite DC comic hero is Batman. I'm sure that if-"
"Natsu's dad's favorite DC hero is Hal Jordan Green Lantern," Haru pointed out, "It's Choba's dad who likes Batman."
"Ah snap," Harold replied in a disappointed tone.
"But Natsu's dad does like 'The Dukes of Hazard'," Haru continued, "And you guys DID say that the super car will be part General Lee."
"Back in the saddle!" Inoichi exclaimed as he pumped a fist into the air. And with that, Harold and company proceeded to make their way over to the Uzumaki residence.
When Harold and company got over to the Uzumaki residence, they saw that Hinata was tending to a flower garden along the base of the house on the right side of the front door. "Yo, Lord Sixth's wife!" Harold called out, "Word up with thee?" Turning around, Hinata saw Harold and the others come walking up.
"Mr. Fisher, now's not a good time to be so loud," Hinata snapped, and actually managing to snap at Harold in as respectful a manner as anyone has ever been able to snap at anyone else.
"Yeah, I know, my grandnephew told me that your daughter's sick," Harold replied as he patted Haru on the shoulder, "And that's part of why we're here. Haru's really worried about your daughter." Hinata's expression softened somewhat at what Harold said.
"…I suppose if Haru kept his visit brief, then there won't be any harm," Hinata replied after a few seconds, "Haru, can you wait to see Natsu until I provide you with a medical mask? I don't want to risk anyone else catching what Natsu may have."
"Medical mask?" Haru repeated in a confused tone, "You mean like that white square cloth thing that my mom wears over her mouth when she does work at the hospital?"
"That's the one," Hinata replied in the affirmative. Getting up from the garden, Hinata walked up to the group and said, "Now then, you said that Haru visiting Natsu was only part of the reason you're here. What's the other part?"
"Oh, the boys and I need to ask your husband for permission to build a supercar," Tsume explained, "It's going to be a combination of the General Lee, KITT, the DeLorean and the Batmobile."
"…I highly doubt that Naruto would ever approve of such a ridiculous plan," Hinata warned the older ninjas, "Even if this supposed supercar will be part General Lee."
As Hinata led Harold and company inside the Uzumaki residence, Haru turned to face Harold and said, "See what I mean, Uncle Harold? Mr. Uzumaki really does like that show."
Over at the Hokage office building, Naruto was in his office, using the exercise machine he had installed. In the office with Naruto was Sasuke and Shikamaru. "…And that's when Haru asked Sakura to teach him a jitsu that can instantly cure Natsu of whatever she's sick with," Sasuke said as he concluded a story that he was telling to the other two men.
"Ha!" Naruto laughed in a good-natured tone, "Those two really do like each other, huh?"
"I'm just glad you didn't do the whole 'overprotective dad' shtick when Haru first asked Natsu out," Shikamaru said, "Ino's dad did that bit before me and Ino's first date, resulting in the rest of our evening being awkward."
"Sakura's dad apparently didn't know how to do the 'overprotective dad' bit, so he asked Sakura's uncle for help when me and Sakura's first date rolled around," Sasuke said, "I never thought I'd see the day when two grown men dressed up as Superman and Aquaman would attempt to intimidate me."
"Didn't Sakura's uncle and Kiba's mom both dress up as Spider-Man a while back?" Naruto asked.
"Yeah, and speaking of which, the boys in development are close to replicating the web shooter into a stand-alone invention," Shikamaru stated.
"…Yeah, let's try and keep that one from Mr. Fisher and his friends," Naruto replied.
As the men continued to talk, Neji and Ko both came running into the office, both with panicked looks on their faces. "Lord Sixth, this is terrible!" Ko exclaimed.
Sighing, Naruto said, "Alright, what did Mr. Fisher, Mr. Yamanaka and Mrs. Inuzuka do THIS time?"
"They haven't done anything yet," Neji replied, "Although according to Lady Hinata, Mr. Fisher and the others are going to try and convince you to let them build a supercar."
"Tell them that I said no," Naruto declared, "So anywho, why do you two look so worried?"
"It's Lady Natsu, Lord Sixth," Ko began, "She's been rushed to the hospital!"
Immediately alarmed, Naruto shot straight up while exclaiming, "WHAT?!"
"According to the medical ninja that arrived on scene, Lady Natsu may be showing signs of having developed bulimia," Neji continued.
"Then those late night visits to the bathroom to throw up…" Naruto said aloud, "…Those weren't just some minor thing."
"It was Haru who discovered Natsu having passed out," Neji said, "He accompanied Mr. Fisher and the other older ninjas to see Natsu."
"I hope whatever he saw didn't freak him out too much," Sasuke remarked. At that prompting, Ko walked up to Sasuke and whispered something into his ear. "…Haru's going to have nightmares for weeks," Sasuke said, his eyes having gone wide with a mix of shock and worry.
"I'm heading over to Konoha General now," Naruto declared, walking over to a chair where his Hokage haori coat laid on the back of.
"The nurse on the phone told me that Konoha General's best doctor is tending to Natsu personally," Ko said, "Then when she told me that the doctor she was talking about is Dr. Wilson, I told her to replace Wilson with Sakura. You have heard of the reputation that Dr. Wilson has, don't you?"
"That when he was giving a patient a standard check-up, Dr. Wilson somehow managed to accidently kill said patient?" Sasuke stated, "Yeah, replacing him with Sakura was a very smart move."
"Well let's not keep shooting the crap, guys," Shikamaru said, "We've got a visit to pay over at hey where did Naruto go?" Shikamaru, Sasuke and the two cadet Hyuga looked around the office; not a single sign of Naruto was anywhere to be seen. "…Maybe Naruto IS an overprotective dad after all," Shikamaru remarked aloud.
Outside of a hospital room, Haru and Hinata sat in chairs along the wall while Harold and his friends stood around. "...Okay, I've got it," Harold said as he raised a finger in exclamation, "First, my niece will use her super-healing jitsu powers to cure whatever's wrong with-"
"What my daughter has isn't exactly something that even Sakura can heal, Mr. Fisher," Hinata pointed out.
"And here I thought that Sakura was your best friend," Harold replied in an admonishing tone, "Oh ye of little faith."
"Sakura is my best friend, and I have no doubt in her abilities as a medic ninja," Hinata replied sternly, "It's just that even Sakura can't just cure what's wrong with Natsu by making her hand glow with healing chakra and placing said hand on Natsu's back."
"Hinata has a point, Uncle Harold," Sakura's voice replied from within the nearest hospital room; after a moment, Sakura stepped out, wearing a doctor's coat.
"But you're the medical genius who invented the hangover cure the boys and I sought for years!" Inoichi exclaimed, "How can you not cure Lord Sixth's daughter's Bologna?"
"First off, that quote unquote 'hangover cure' was just chocolate milk that I told you three would cure your hangover," Sakura began, "I wanted to experiment around with the placebo effect theory. Secondly, it's called bulimia, not bologna." Hearing Sakura use the name of what Natsu supposedly has made Hinata start crying again.
"So why can't you cure it?" Tsume asked, "You've healed all sorts of injuries and maladies, like my foot injury that made me miss the girl's birthday party, or the shoulder injuries that Harold and Inoichi suffered when they tried to move that wardrobe for Choza's wife, or Harold's broken ribs which Mebuki broke."
"In hindsight, my offering to help Haru dye his hair pink because he wanted to more closely resemble those in his family with Fisher blood in their veins while in front of my little sister MAY have ticked her off just a smidge," Harold admitted.
"I'm sorry I made Grandma Mebuki break your ribs, Uncle Harold," Haru said apologetically.
"Ah, you just wanted to have a bit of the Fisher family look on you," Harold replied in a forgiving tone as he ruffled Haru's hair, "How can I hate you for your grandmother punching me in the ribs hard enough to break a few of them?"
"I think we're getting off subject," Kuromaru pointed out, then turned to face Sakura and said, "So why can't your cure Natsu's bulimia?"
"In terms that my uncle and his friends can understand, bulimia is a problem that's partly rooted in the head of the person with it," Sakura began, "It's a rather obsessive need to lose weight, by any means necessary."
"Wait, why does Natsu need to lose weight?" Haru asked, looking totally confused and mildly worried.
"She doesn't," Sakura replied with a mild shake of her head, looking as sympathetic as she could towards her son, "She just THINKS she has to."
"You know, looking back on Ino's childhood as she grew up, I've seen her experiencing some of the milder symptoms of bulimia," Inoichi remarked, "But since every girl Ino's age at the time were also showing the exact same signs, I just thought it was all part of girl puberty."
"That's what I thought too," Tsume stated. (2)
Shaking her head in mild disappointment, Sakura said in a mildly annoyed tone, "No, Mr. Yamanaka. Those are NOT signs of girl puberty. Geez, what kind of sex education class did you take when you were younger?"
"I didn't take one," Inoichi replied.
"Yeah, the boys and I didn't have things like that when we were younger," Harold continued, "Hell, Inoichi and I didn't have any sort of idea on how sex worked until one day in our mid to late teens, when Tsume explained it to us by using her lunch." (3)
"Well no wonder Harold and Inoichi lost their appetite that day," Kuromaru remarked.
"I have never eaten another hot dog since that day so long ago," Harold said in a mildly somber tone.
Turning to face Hinata, Sakura ripped of a sheet of paper from the clipboard she was carrying. "Natsu will be free to go tomorrow, but make sure she sees this psychologist. He specializes in cases such as this."
Taking the sheet of paper from Sakura rather gingerly, Hinata said, "Thank you, Sakura."
"Natsu's going to be okay, won't she?" Haru asked.
"She will in time," Sakura replied, "But she's going to need a lot of help from those who care about her, not to mention those who she cares about."
"Hey, you know what I bet will pick Lord Sixth's daughter right up?" Harold began.
"For the last time Mr. Fisher, Naruto is NOT going to approve of you and your friends' plan for a supercar," Hinata replied sternly.
Snapping his fingers, Harold said in a disappointed tone, "Aww shucks."
The following afternoon, Harold and Inoichi, their expressions noticeably glum, were walking along on the sidewalk somewhere in Konoha. With them was Haru, whose expression was similar to theirs. Sighing, Harold remarked, "I can't believe this has happened."
"I know, Uncle Harold," Haru agreed.
"Yeah," Harold continued, "Lord Sixth's daughter became Belgian."
"Don't you mean bulimic?" Haru asked.
"What's a Belgian?" Inoichi asked.
"I was trying to pronounce the word that Haru just said," Harold explained.
As the men talked, they stopped outside of a bookstore when they saw Ino and Sakura walk out of it. "…So, I figured that it was high time to buy some new books to read to Inohime for her bedtime stories," Ino said to Sakura.
"Inohime thinks that it's Yoshino's turn to read her a story tonight," Inoichi pointed out, getting the attention of the two women.
"Oh, hey dad," Ino greeted.
"Hey Uncle Harold, hey Haru," Sakura greeted, "Are you keeping him out of trouble?"
"Sakura, you know full well that Haru's perfectly well behaved," Harold replied.
"I wasn't talking to you," Sakura said, drawing a slight snicker from Ino.
"So what are you girls up to?" Harold asked.
"Oh, Ino and I were just catching up while taking care of some shopping," Sakura explained, "In fact, Ino decided to get some new story books for Inohime."
"I found a really great one that I bet Inohime will love," Ino added as she pulled a book out of the shopping bag and showed it to Harold and the others. "It's called 'Maggie goes on a diet'," Ino explained, "It's about an overweight girl who loses her excess weight and as a result becomes popular."
"Can I see that book really quick, dear?" Inoichi asked. After his adult daughter handed him the book, Inoichi looked at the cover for a few seconds before flinging the book straight into the air while shouting, "RAHHHHHHHH!"
"What the-?!" Ino exclaimed in shock.
Ino would have continued, but she was cut off when Harold shouted, "Haru! Now!" Without even thinking about it, Haru cast a fireball jitsu that struck the book about twenty feet in midair, incinerating the book and making ashes rain down upon Harold and the others.
"The evil hath been slain," Harold remarked in a grim tone, with his expression matching his voice.
"What the hell is wrong with you two?!" Ino exclaimed at the two older ninjas, "Do you know how much I paid for that?"
"And taking advantage of Haru's inability to think before acting in the heat of the moment to destroy it," Sakura added, "Seriously!"
"Girls, it's stuff like that book I had Haru burn that causes children like Lord Sixth's daughter to do to themselves what happened to Lord Sixth's daughter," Harold explained.
"That's still no excuse to destroy the book I got for my kid!" Ino snapped.
"Actually, my uncle raises a point," Sakura said to Ino, "And wow, I cannot believe I'm actually agreeing with my UNCLE on something."
"…Sakura?" Ino replied in a confused tone.
"The book that Uncle Harold had Haru destroy," Sakura began, "It's actually a rather controversial children's book. In fact, it's on the list of books that Gaara has banned in Sunagakure."
"Gaara banned a children's book from Sunagakure?" Ino replied in the same tone of confusion.
"Granted, what my uncle and your dad did was going a tad far," Sakura admitted, "But in light of recent events, you can't really blame them." With a gentle shake of her head, Sakura added, "Besides, it's not like your dad, my uncle and Kiba's mom destroyed another ice cream truck."
"Uhh yeah, about that," Inoichi began.
"Look, the fact of the matter is that things like that book are what makes kids like Lord Sixth's daughter go to the lengths they go to," Harold said to Ino and Sakura, "Someone needs to remedy this."
"And what do you propose?" Sakura asked.
"I can write a children's book," Inoichi offered.
"…Excuse me?" Ino said in a deadpan, looking at her father with an incredulous look.
"Yeah," Inoichi continued in a tone that suggested he was getting more and more into his idea, "I can write a children's book that encourages children to accept others, and themselves, for who they are."
"Are you sure you have what it takes to do that?" Ino asked.
"Not only will I write such a children's book," Inoichi declared, "But after it gets published, I'll personally give Inohime a signed copy of it. I bet that she'd love a storybook that's written by her grandpa!"
Smiling despite herself, Ino said, "Yeah, I bet receiving something like that would make Inohime's day."
"Then it's settled!" Inoichi proclaimed as he puffed out his chest and put his fists on his waist, "I shall write a children's book!"
A few days later, 'Pepper the plump pony' hit shelves in the children's section of book stores in Konoha and its allied lands. Setting several sales records in its first week, the well-received children's book was the talk of the ninja world; it even made its way into morning talk shows, one of which Inoichi himself was on. The icing on the TV appearance cake was when Inoichi presented his granddaughter with a signed copy of the book about a chubby pony befriending a wheelchair-bound ten-year-old witch, a princess with autism, and a black kid.
With all of the money Inoichi made from publishing his children's book, not only did he and his wife Michelle have money to burn, but Inoichi was able to finance the supercar project that he, Harold and Tsume wanted to do even though Naruto expressly told them not to do the project (but then again, since when did Naruto telling Harold and company not to do something ever stop them from trying to do that something anyway?).
And so it was that Harold and company were building their ideal supercar in Inoichi's garage. "This is going to be the most awesome supercar EVER!" Tsume exclaimed as she helped Harold set a DeLorean-style car door into place on the left side of the supercar.
"Hey Inoichi, did you get the General Lee car horn yet?" Harold asked.
"Yeah, it's on the table over there," Inoichi said as he pointed out the car horn that has yet to be installed.
As Harold walked over to get the car horn, he said, "I hear that Lord Sixth's daughter is making progress in her rehabilitation."
"Well I'm glad to see that the young lady's recovering," Inoichi remarked. Looking mildly somber, Inoichi added, "I'd hate to see either Shikaru or Inohime ever go through that mess."
"Well with the effort you made in the form of that children's book, I don't think that will ever happen," Kuromaru remarked casually, "By the way, didn't Lord Sixth specifically tell you guys NOT to build the supercar?"
"Since when did Lord Sixth telling us not to do something ever stop us before?" Tsume asked rhetorically. Kuromaru opened his mouth to object, but before he said anything he stopped and gave what Tsume said some thought.
"Point taken," the Inuzuka ninja dog remarked.
END, CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Author's Notes:
(1) Kankuro was cleaning out the den because he wanted to make a man-cave.
(2) Keep in mind that Tsume, in this setting, is an idiot.
(3) Tsume had a hot dog and a glazed donut (you know, the circular one with the hole in the middle) for her lunch.
Anywho, this is my attempt at a 'very special episode'-type story that covers a topic that I have seen come up time and again. Losing weight is good for your health, yes. But only if you have the weight to lose. In fact, it's probably wise to discuss such things with a medical professional (you know, someone who knows that the hell he/she is talking about) prior to trying anything that will have a significant impact on your overall health. Also, if you have any questions concerning bulimia, seek ACTUAL sources of knowledge on the matter; at best I provided a watered-down gist on the subject.
Also, on a note related to some information revealed yesterday (10-4-16), I can't wait for the Litten that I'm going to get to evolve into Torracat.