Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, or any properties in this work that I did not make myself.
Harold of Konoha
Chapter eighteen: Happy anniversary, Harold and Sophia! (AKA being married for forty years is quite the Milestone Celebration, wouldn't you agree?)
One morning in the village of Konohagakure, Harold Fisher, Konoha's oldest active jonin, was having breakfast with his wife Sophia. As Sophia picked up a mug of coffee to take a sip from it, Harold opened the newspaper to read it. "…Well ain't that tragic but ultimately sweet," Harold remarked as he read an article.
"Hmm? What is it, dear?" Sophia asked after setting down her mug of coffee.
"It says here that this older lady living in Sunagakure, named Yamato, recently died a few days ago due to an asthma attack," Harold explained, "She died at age seventy-nine, surviving her husband Takeo by six years. The article goes on to say that the two of them had been married for fifty-two years until Takeo was killed when he was hit by a car because he pushed a four-year-old child out of the way of said car, saving the kid's life. As per her wishes, Yamato will be buried next to her husband in Sunagakure's local cemetery." (1)
"You're right about how it's sad that she lived on for such a time after her husband died, but now that they're together again, it is ultimately sweet," Sophia agreed with a solemn nod.
Folding the newspaper closed, Harold laid it on the table next to his plate and said, "You know, Sophia, our forty-second anniversary is tomorrow," Harold began as he gave his wife a knowing grin. Seeing the way her husband was smiling at her, Sophia could not help but giggle.
"Indeed it is," Sophia replied as she held a hand in front of her mouth in an attempt to keep Harold from noticing her embarrassed smile (it didn't work, as Harold could see Sophia's blushing).
"And after our forty-second anniversary tomorrow," Harold continued, "I'd like to see if we can break the record set by the couple being talked about in the article I just read."
"And maybe we can try for a few more after that?" Sophia suggested slyly, having more and more trouble hiding the blushing that was taking over her face.
"Oh hells yeah!" Harold agreed enthusiastically and instantly. The Fisher patriarch then picked up his own mug of coffee and raised it in a toast to his wife as he said, "To the single greatest woman to have ever lived in the history of forever!" Now the older Fisher woman could not help but laugh out loud in good nature; that husband of hers sure knew how to make her laugh.
The next morning, Inoichi Yamanaka, Tsume Inuzuka and Tsume's ninja dog Kuromaru all walked over to the Fisher residence to pick up their friend Harold. "So how are we going to decide whether to go for the General Lee-style paintjob or the Batmobile-style paintjob?" Tsume asked the guys present, "I mean, we can't use BOTH colorations on the supercar."
"That's why we're going to ask Harold about it," Inoichi explained, "If push comes to shove, he can serve as a tiebreaker."
When the two humans and one dog reached Harold's front door, it was Inoichi who knocked. When Harold answered it, he greeted his friends. "Oh, 'sup dudes?" Harold said.
"Harold, dude, we need your help concerning the supercar," Inoichi explained, "Tsume and I are wondering whether we want to give it the General Lee-style paintjob or the Batmobile-style paintjob."
"Oh, umm, actually dudes, this isn't a good time," Harold replied, "I'd certainly love to try this first thing tomorrow. Just not today."
With a mildly confused look, Kuromaru said, "YOU, Harold Fisher, of all people, doesn't want to take part in stupidity? What's going on?"
"Today is me and Sophia's forty-second wedding anniversary," Harold explained, "I'm going to be wanting to spend the entire day with Sophia, culminating in taking her out to dinner at the fanciest restaurant in the village."
"Say no more, my good man," Inoichi replied, sounding completely understanding of his best friend, "When it comes to the choice between helping to build a supercar or spending his anniversary with his wife, a true man wouldn't think of picking anything other than the latter option."
"Thank you, Inoichi," Harold replied.
"In fact, if you so want, Tsume and I can run interference to make sure no one disturbs you and your wife at all today," Inoichi offered, "Remember when you and Tsume did the same for me last year during me and Michelle's forty-first anniversary?"
"And how we'll probably end up doing the same this year for you and Michelle's forty-second anniversary?" Harold replied.
"It's always fun running interference," Tsume commented with a chuckle.
"I'm surprised that none of you ever got into any trouble for any of the crap that you've pulled during this 'interference'," Kuromaru remarked.
"We're really good at keeping ourselves covered when it really matters," Tsume explained to her ninja dog.
"So it's agreed," Inoichi declared to Harold, "Tsume, Kuromaru and I will run interference to make sure no one disturbs you and you wife today."
"Can't I just go home and keep my mouth shut all day?" Kuromaru asked.
"Nope!" Tsume declared, "You're on board with this one whether you like it or not."
Shaking his head, Kuromaru muttered too quietly for Tsume to hear, "…Sometimes, I wish I was a cat." (2)
A short while later, Inoichi, Tsume and Kuromaru were watching Harold's front door from a hidden area; if they (Inoichi and Tsume, because Lord knows that Kuromaru would not do anything stupid) saw anyone walk up to Harold's front door, they would leap into action, knocking the person out before they could knock on the door, then drag the knocked out person into the alleyway between Harold's house and the house on its left (if you're facing Harold place). Cracking her knuckles, Tsume said to Inoichi, "Man, it's already been an hour, and yet not one person has tried to bother Harold and his wife today."
"That's actually a good thing," Inoichi remarked as he turned to face his Inuzuka friend, "It saves us a bit of trouble in the short run." Turning his head to face the front of Harold's house again, the Yamanaka patriarch added, "It's the LONG run that I'm worried about."
"Are you guys really sure that doing this is a good idea?" Kuromaru asked, "We could get into some serious trouble."
"Pfft," Tsume replied in a dismissive manner, "The boys and I have not only done this routine for years and never got caught, but we've done things that are loads worse."
"I'm not sure whether to feel triumphant or worried that you've actually admitted that you've done worse than this 'interference' bit," Kuromaru remarked.
To Tsume, Inoichi said, "Tsume, dude, seriously. Why is your dog such a wet blanket?"
"I don't know," Tsume replied with a shrug.
As he turned back to face the front door of Harold's house again, Inoichi said, "You have to admit that you, me and Harold would have loads more fun without your Woah hold on someone's approaching Harold's front door!"
Suddenly, all eyes were on the front of the Fisher residence, where they saw a very plump Konoha woman walk up, carrying a sealed Tupperware container. "Oh, it's just Tenten," Tsume remarked in a dismissive tone.
"We gotta intercept her," Inoichi remarked as if what he had just said was not an option.
"Do you know how hard it will be to drag her fat, unconscious ass into the alleyway next to Harold's place?!" Tsume hissed.
"That's why interception missions are always a team effort," Inoichi remarked.
Over at Harold's front door, Tenten approached the steps leading up to it. As she got onto the first step, something hit her hard in the back of the head. "Tennis anyone?" Tenten said in a daze-like tone as she fell over, perfectly knocked out.
As Inoichi and Tsume each grabbed one of Tenten's hands so they could drag her into the alleyway, Tsume said to Inoichi, "You know, this is, like, the only thing that pisses me off about me getting old. I can't do heavy lifting on my own anymore."
"Well that's why God invented grandchildren," Inoichi replied, "To help us old folks with all of the heavy lifting that we can no longer do on our own."
"Wait, the guy who invented bacon treats also invented grandchildren?" Kuromaru asked in a mildly confused tone as he followed Inoichi and Tsume into the alleyway.
About a minute later, Tenten woke up. When she came to, she saw that she was sitting on the ground in an alleyway; her hands were tied behind her back with rope, her ankles were also tied together with rope, and there was a strip of duct tape over her mouth. When she looked up and saw Inoichi and Tsume, Tenten immediately went from panicky and frightened to a calm, monotone-style 'oh-not-this-again' type of attitude. "What the hell are the two of you up to this time?" Tenten asked when the duct tape was removed by Tsume.
"Sorry, but we cannot allow you, or anyone for that matter, to disturb Harold and his wife today," Inoichi explained.
With a mildly confused look on her face, Tenten asked, "Why today?"
"Today it Harold and Sophia's forty-second wedding anniversary," Tsume explained, "Harold wants everything to go perfectly, so interruptions should be kept to a minimum."
"Meaning we cannot allow anyone to disturb them today," Inoichi added.
"So one of you snuck up behind me," Tenten began, "Then hit me in the back of the head to knock me out. Then one of you dragged me-"
"Actually, both of us had to drag you," Tsume interrupted.
"…Into this alleyway," Tenten continued with a noticeably annoyed look on her face, "Tied me up with rope, then put some duct tape over my mouth. All because you want to help make sure your friend's anniversary today goes off without a hitch."
"Yeah, we know what you're going to say," Inoichi replied in a tone suggesting that he knew where this was going, "You're going to say that Tsume and I are going way too far-"
"This is actually rather sweet of you two," Tenten interrupted, drawing surprised reactions out of the two older ninja. "Granted, this IS going a tad far," Tenten continued, "But compared to some of the other things the two of you and Mr. Fisher have been known to do, this is actually rather tame. And your reasoning behind doing this is one of the nicest reasons that any of the three of you have ever had for doing any of the things you've ever done."
"Wow, someone actually sees our reasoning," Tsume remarked in a genuinely surprised tone.
"Yeah, thanks Tenten," Inoichi added, "Oh, and it goes without saying that you cannot ever tell anyone about what occurred here today."
"Can you guys at least make sure that Mrs. Fisher gets the Tupperware that I was trying to return?" Tenten asked.
"No problem," Tsume replied with a salute.
"Yep," Inoichi added, "And trust me. I know how women like Sophia can get when Tupperware isn't returned within a certain time frame. My wife Michelle is pretty much the same way with stuff like that as Sophia, so I can attest to Woah there's another person approaching Harold's front door!"
Inoichi, Tsume and Kuromaru saw that another person was walking up to the steps leading to Harold's front door. This time, it was Natsu Uzumaki; if you looked closely, you could see that Natsu was a bit slim for a girl her age and height. "Wow, Lord Sixth wasn't kidding when he said that his daughter needed to eat more," Inoichi remarked.
Picking up a wooden baseball bat (the same blunt instrument that she used to knock out Tenten), Tsume said casually, "Well, time to go knock her out."
"Wait, knock who out?" Tenten asked in a mildly worried tone.
After climbing to the top of the short staircase leading to Harold's front door, Natsu raised her right hand to gently knock on the door with the knuckles of her fingers. Before she got close enough to make the first knock, something hard hit her in the back of the head. "Volcarona, use Flamethrower," Natsu said in a daze-like tone before falling into unconsciousness.
After the young Uzumaki/Hyuga girl was knocked out, Tsume picked her up and carried her bridal-style into the alleyway ("Wow, this girl is loads lighter than Ten-ton," Tsume remarked in an amazed tone as she carried Natsu).
A few moments later, Natsu awoke in the alleyway, bound in a likewise manner as Tenten, who she was sitting on the ground next to. "What's going on?" the young genin asked in a frightened tone.
"Yeah, sorry about this," Inoichi said, getting Natsu's attention.
Looking up at Inoichi and Tsume, Natsu said in a confused tone, "Shikaru's grandfather? Bankai's grandmother? What are you two doing?"
"They're trying to make sure that no one interrupts Mr. and Mrs. Fisher's forty-second wedding anniversary," Tenten explained, getting Natsu's attention, "Which is today."
"…Today is Haru's aunt and uncle's wedding anniversary?" Natsu asked.
"Yeah, and the boys and I are working to make sure that no one disturbs them today," Inoichi explained.
"Oh geez," Natsu replied, "I was only going to visit them because my mother is leading the group of women organizing the Halloween festivities in Konoha this year, and my mother wants to know if Haru's aunt is going to be handing out candy to trick-or-treaters this year. I have some papers in my bag that Haru's aunt and uncle have to fill out if they intend to hand out candy this year."
"Wait a minute, hold up there," Tsume interrupted, "The hell are you on about?!"
Looking at the older Inuzuka woman more directly, Natsu explained, "Due to the incident last year involving several houses unknowingly handing out bad candy, my mother and a number of other women in Konoha have organized a committee to monitor and carry out large-scale events that heavily involve Konoha youth. They want to avoid a repeat of what happened during Halloween of last year."
"Yeah, I found the household of the person who gave Inohime a poison-laced caramel last year on Halloween," Inoichi remarked, "The bail that I paid afterwards was worth it."
"That's something else that my mother and other Konoha women are hoping to avoid," Natsu added.
"Well tell you what," Tsume said to Natsu, "The boys and I will make sure that Harold and his wife gets your thing. In exchange, you will leave Harold and his wife alone for the entirety of today, and you never tell anyone of what occurred here. Capiche?"
"…Okay," Natsu replied slowly; her slowness to respond to Tsume was mostly because Tsume used a word that the young Uzumaki/Hyuga girl was unfamiliar with. (3)
"Well now," Inoichi remarked, "It looks like Harold's grandnephew's little girlfriend is a rather Oh snap someone else is approaching Harold's front door!" Tsume, Inoichi and Kuromaru peeked out from the alleyway to see a third person walk up to Harold's front door; this time, it was Sasuke Uchiha.
"Hey, it's Harold's nephew-in-law Sasuke," Tsume remarked casually.
"I'd be genuinely surprised if the two of you are able to do with Sasuke what you did with Tenten and Natsu," Kuromaru stated. At this, both Inoichi and Tsume exchanged knowing looks.
Over at Harold's front door, Sasuke just walked up the last step. Just as he was getting ready to knock on the door, Sasuke felt a sharp blow to the back of his head. "I'd like to solve the puzzle," Sasuke said in a dazed tone as he fell over and was subsequently caught by Inoichi, clearly knocked out.
After Inoichi finished dragging the knocked out Uchiha into the alleyway, Kuromaru said in an amazed tone as Tsume and Inoichi tied Sasuke up, "How did you do that?!"
About a minute or so later, Sasuke came to; when he did, the first thing he noticed was that he was tied up and sitting on the ground. The second thing he noticed was Tenten and Natsu, both bound in a likewise manner, sitting across from him. "Hey, Mr. Uchiha," Natsu greeted, "How's Haru doing?"
"Natsu, young lady, what the hell is going on?" Sasuke asked.
"Why don't you ask Mr. Yamanaka and Mrs. Inuzuka," Tenten answered for Natsu, prompting Sasuke to turn his head to the left.
When his eyes fell on Inoichi and Tsume, Sasuke turned back to face Tenten and Natsu and said, "Well I see morons two and three, but where's moron one?"
"Mr. Fisher is inside his place," Tenten explained, "Mr. Yamanaka and Mrs. Inuzuka are quote unquote 'running interference', meaning they're making sure no one disturbs Mr. and Mrs. Fisher today."
"Yeah, Sakura told me that today is her aunt and uncle's anniversary," Sasuke replied to Tenten. Turning to face the two older ninjas, Sasuke continued, "I'm guessing that's why you've knocked me out and subsequently took me hostage?"
"Harold only wants today to go perfectly," Inoichi said, "And that can't happen if he and his wife are interrupted constantly."
Raising an eyebrow, the bound Uchiha said, "You know, despite the fact that you two have so far taken three people hostage, two of which are related to Konoha's current Hokage, your reason for doing so is one of the more altruistic reasons that you and your group have ever had for doing any of the asinine things you've ever done."
"Yeah, I pretty much said the same thing myself," Tenten remarked.
"Well I'm glad to see that you guys aren't as pissed off as you would normally be," Tsume said, "I was half expecting one of you to Did you just say that two of you guys are related to Lord Sixth?"
"Well yeah," Sasuke explained, "Tenten is married to Neji, who is Naruto's wife's cousin. And Natsu here is Naruto's daughter."
"…Damn, I knew I was forgetting something important," Tsume remarked with a snap of her fingers.
"I'm pretty sure that Tenten and I can convince Naruto to let you guys off, given your reasoning for doing all of this in the first place and the fact that no one was seriously harmed," Sasuke offered.
"Yeah, I'm with Sasuke on this one," Tenten agreed.
"Can I help?" Natsu asked.
"Well now ain't this just the nicest thing," Inoichi remarked, "Not only are you guys understanding, but you're even willing to Oh frigg'en hell someone else is walking up to Harold's front door!" Inoichi, Tsume and Kuromaru peeked from around the corner, and saw that it was Haru Uchiha; the young Uchiha boy was carrying a bag in his right hand.
"Hey, it's Harold's grandnephew," Kuromaru remarked.
"I swear to whatever deity there is if there is one that if either of you two morons do to Haru what you've done to me, Tenten and Natsu, I will murder the person responsible in their sleep," Sasuke growled in an angry tone.
"Now hold on there a minute there, Sasuke," Tsume interrupted, "Harold and his wife always enjoy a visit from their grandnephew. I'll get Inoichi to talk to him first, then he'll decide what action to take."
"I'm on it, chief," Inoichi said with a salute to Tsume before going off to see what Haru was up to.
As Haru climbed up the last step, he heard someone harshly whispering from a few feet to his left, "Hey, Haru! Over here!" Turning to face the direction the whispering was coming from, Haru saw Inoichi peeking out from behind the trash.
"Shikaru's grandpa?" Haru said in a confused tone, "Why are you hiding?"
"Me and your granduncle's other friends are on something of a mission right now," Inoichi explained, "What are you doing?"
"Well my mom told me that today is Aunt Sophia and Uncle Harold's anniversary," Haru said. Showing Inoichi the bag he was holding, Haru added, "I went to the store to buy them something nice as a present. You know, to celebrate the very long time that the two of them have been together."
"…What did you get them?" Inoichi asked, his eyes narrowing slightly.
"Well I got a twelve-count of those soft sugar cookies for them to share with each other," Haru explained, "I got Aunt Sophia a small box containing twenty-four bags of her favorite tea blend, and I got Uncle Harold a forty-ounce bottle of that alcoholic drink that he and you guys seem to like so much." Taking a large bottle of Pape Konoha's Brand Lager out of the bag, Haru added, "I needed mom to buy this for me, but she seemed okay with the idea when I told her what I had in mind."
After putting the lager back into the bag, Haru said, "Once I give them the little anniversary gift and my regards, I was planning on tracking down Natsu so we could head over to the training grounds to practice kunai and shuriken throwing."
"…Yeah, your little girlfriend is not going to be able to help," Inoichi replied.
"Is she still recovering from her stay at the hospital?" Haru asked in a concerned tone.
"Yeah sure, let's go with that," Inoichi replied.
"Well I'm going to have to push training off until later then," Haru declared, "Seeing if Natsu is well is more of a priority."
"So, drop of the gift, wish them happy anniversary, then you're gone?" Inoichi asked.
After Haru nodded in the affirmative, Inoichi said, "…Alright, you can knock on the door. But don't let your aunt in on the fact that the boys and I are on a mission."
"Right," Haru agreed with a salute to the older ninja. After Inoichi hid himself again, Haru knocked on the front door, which was answered by Harold. "Hey, Uncle Harold," Haru greeted, "Mom told me that today was your and Aunt Sophia's anniversary, so I just wanted to stop by today and give you my regards."
"Well ain't that kind of you, little dude," Harold remarked.
Handing Harold the bag, Haru added, "I even got you and Aunt Sophia something of a gift."
Taking the bag from Haru, Harold said as he looked inside, "Well this is just the icing on the Oh Knuckles the Echidna there's Pape Konoha's Brand Lager!"
"Yeah, I needed mom's help to buy that for you," Haru explained, "So anywho, I hope you and Aunt Sophia have a happy anniversary."
"Oh we're going to have one hell of an evening, little dude," Harold replied, "Thank you."
"Now if you will excuse me, I was told that Natsu is still not feeling well," Haru said as he proceeded to excuse himself.
"Have a good day, Haru, and thanks again," Harold replied. As he closed the door, Harold called into the house, "Hey Sophia! Guess what Haru brought us!" After Harold shut the front door, Haru hopped off of the stairs and proceed to head over to house Uzumaki.
After Haru was out of sight, Inoichi snuck back into the alleyway next to the Fisher residence. "Well that was alright," Inoichi said as he rejoined Tsume and Kuromaru.
"I hope like hell that we don't have to keep this up for much longer," Tsume remarked in a slightly exasperated tone.
Checking the watch on his write, Inoichi said, "It's getting close to around the time Harold said that he'd take his wife out to dinner tonight. We can probably leave once they head off to whatever restaurant they have in mind."
"They're heading to this one place that Sakura told them about," Sasuke stated, and continued as he got the older ninjas' attention, "It's the same place I took Sakura to for dinner the night I proposed to her."
"Well ain't that just the sweetest thing," Tsume remarked in a mildly touched tone.
"Yeah," Inoichi agreed, "The sweetest thing." To the three hostages as a whole, Inoichi said, "Now about the three of you agreeing to help explain things to Lord Sixth so that he doesn't try to kill me and Tsume for making sure that Harold and his wife weren't interrupted today…"
The next day, Harold was enjoying a mug of coffee at the local Akimichi clan-owned diner. With him were Inoichi and Tsume (Kuromaru was sitting on the floor next to where Tsume was seated in the diner booth), also enjoying a mug of coffee each. "So as you can see, I only allowed Haru to see you because he said that he had something nice for you and your wife for your anniversary, and I figured that you two would enjoy a visit from Haru," Inoichi explained.
"I knew I could count on you two to make sure yesterday went smoothly," Harold replied as he raised his mug of coffee in a toast to his friends, "And yes, Sophia and I did enjoy Haru coming by to wish us a happy anniversary."
After taking a sip from his mug, Harold said, "Sophia did say that she ultimately enjoyed all of the uninterrupted time she had with me yesterday, but she also mentioned multiple times that she was actually expecting some folks to stop by."
"Really?" Tsume asked in a tone that sounded mildly concerned.
"She said that she was hoping that Hiashi's niece-in-law Tenten would come by to return the Tupperware that she borrowed," Harold began, "Sophia was also expecting one of the women she socializes with, or at least one of their kids, to bring by some forms detailing all of the Halloween festivities that the women of Konoha are planning on organizing. Sophia also said that our niece's husband was supposed to stop by to drop off her new inhaler, which the local pharmacy just got in."
"Wait a minute," Kuromaru said in a mildly alarmed tone, "Sasuke was supposed to drop off an inhaler?!"
"Yeah, so Sophia has asthma," Harold replied in a tone suggesting that he knew where this was going, "Big whoop. But that doesn't make her a nerd." Looking at Kuromaru, Harold asked with a mildly confused look on his face, "Why do you ask?"
"…Wow, the humans that I interact with on the regular basis are morons," Kuromaru thought as he simply shook his head instead. To Harold, Kuromaru simply said, "Never mind."
"Well I'm just glad that the folks that Inoichi, Kuromaru and I intercepted yesterday agreed not to report us to Lord Sixth," Tsume said.
"Who did you guys intercept yesterday?" Harold asked in a curious tone.
"Meh, just some assholes who wanted to sell you and your wife some useless junk," Tsume remarked.
"Did you punch them in the face for me?" Harold asked hopefully.
"I kneed this one guy in the ribs repeatedly until he keeled over," Tsume offered.
"Ah ha!" Harold exclaimed in a good-natured tone. Raising his mug of coffee again in a toast, Harold said, "You two truly are the best friends a man could ever ask for!"
"I would say the same about you!" Inoichi replied as he raised his own coffee mug in a toast. The two men then clanked their coffee mugs together, then proceeded to drain their respective mugs dry.
END, CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Author's Notes:
(1) This is a bit of a shout out/reference/tribute to a manga/anime series that I've recently taken an interest in. I figured that the main couple of the series, given how dedicated they are to each other, deserve no less than fifty years of marital bliss.
(2) Given what he has to put up with on the regular basis, Kuromaru can't really be blamed for wishing this.
(3) The word 'Capiche' is a slang term that originates from the Italian language. Given that everyone in this series supposedly speaks/is supposed to be Japanese, and that Italy doesn't exist in the world of Naruto, you can understand why hearing this word would confuse Natsu.
So anywho, the next chapter, without giving away too much, will be about Shikamaru and his family finally catching a break. After that will be the Halloween-themed chapter, which I am hoping to have out in time for Halloween.