Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, or any properties in this work that I did not make myself.
Harold of Konoha
Chapter twenty-two: A grandpa tells his grandson a story about the past (AKA not every grandpa has to be a Badass Grandpa in order to be a good grandpa)
One November morning in the village of Konohagakure, Tenten was waiting outside in a practice area where young genin would go to practice their aim with throwing weapons. Tenten wasn't here for anything like that, though; at the insistence of her friend Sakura Uchiha, Tenten was attempting to lose some weight by going on a diet and exercise regimen. She was here in the park waiting for her quote unquote 'workout buddies' to show up.
At least Tenten was dressed for the occasion. She wore a black workout tank top and matching shorts (both with yellow trim), white tennis shoes and socks, and a pink sweatband over where her Konoha headband would normally be. "I can't believe I'm starting a diet," Tenten muttered to herself, "And so close to Thanksgiving, too! That's got to be one of the worst, if not THE, worst days to start going on a diet before!"
"Oi, Ten-ton! Over here!" called out the familiar voice of Tsume Inuzuka; much to her irritation, Tenten's quote unquote 'workout buddies' are Tsume Inuzuka, Harold Fisher and Inoichi Yamanaka.
Turning to look in the direction she heard Tsume call from, Tenten shouted, "Can you please quit calling me Oh my God what the hell are you all wearing?!" To Tenten's shock, Tsume, Harold and Inoichi were all wearing hula skirts, red tropical flower headbands, and red tropical flower wristbands. Tsume also wore a coconut bra. The only person in the group who wasn't dressed up was Kuromaru, Tsume's ninja dog; as Tenten had expected, Tsume brought Kuromaru along.
"Alright, Ten-ton," Tsume began, "The boys and I are here to help you lose some weight!"
"What the hell are you all wearing?!" Tenten exclaimed.
"Oh, Inoichi came up with a good idea," Harold replied.
"Yeah," Inoichi said, "People know that dancing is not only an effecting way to lose weight, but also a fun one as well!"
"So we're going to be hula dancing," Tsume explained to the panicking weapon-master.
"WHY HULA?!" Tenten yelled.
"To appease the volcano," Harold replied in a casual manner, as if what he had just said was the most obvious thing in the world.
"…Volcano?" Tenten repeated in a confused tone.
"Trust me, Tenten," Kuromaru said in a sympathetic tone, "I'm as lost as you are."
"In order to keep the volcano from erupting, we must hula dance to appease it," Inoichi clarified.
"The volcano that's closest to Konoha is located all the way in the Land of Wind!" Tenten snapped. (1)
"Which is why my pal Kankuro started Sunagakure's first Hula school," Inoichi pointed out as he tossed a bag to Tenten. Opening it, Tenten found a hula dancing outfit identical to the one Tsume wore, save for the fact that the outfit in the bag was sized to fit Tenten.
Clapping her hands together, Tsume said, "Well alright, Ten-ton. Get dressed so that we can get dancing!"
"Please, God," Tenten thought, "Please just kill me now."
He knew that what he was doing was risky. He knew that if his family knew what he was doing right now, he'd never hear the end of it. After all of the stories he heard from his father, his aunt (the older sister of his father), and especially his grandmother, he knew that any other kid in his position would be a good kid and do as they were told. But he had to do this. He had to know. He had to hear everything from ALL sides.
He had to visit his grandfather.
Standing outside of the front door of an apartment located on the second floor of an apartment building somewhere in Konoha, Bankai Inuzuka looked up at the eyehole. Looking down to his right, Bankai saw that Rojomaru, his loyal ninja dog, was looking up at him. The ninja dog gave a nervous whimper. "Don't worry, Rojomaru," Bankai said in a comforting tone to his ninja dog, "He shouldn't be too upset." Reaching down somewhat, Bankai ruffled the top of Rojomaru's head. Getting back up, Bankai looked to the front door and gulped nervously. The Inuzuka genin had never even seen his grandfather; would the man even know that he had a grandson?
Gathering up some courage, Bankai raised his fist to the door and knocked just hard enough for it to be heard. After a few seconds, the door was answered by an older man who looked like Kiba if Kiba were in his early sixties; the five-o-clock shadow that the older man had, which somehow seemed permanent, didn't help with making him look younger. Looking down at Bankai and Rojomaru, the older man said, "Don't go thinking that you can get away with telling me that you have a pet that got into my backyard. This is a second floor apartment."
"No, no that's not why I'm here," Bankai quickly said. Gulping somewhat, Bankai said, "Are you Banyo Inuzuka?"
"Huh?" the older man replied, momentarily caught off guard by Bankai's question. After a slight shake of his head to clear his mind, the older man said, "Yeah, I'm Banyo Inuzuka. Care to tell me who you are?"
"My name is Bankai Inuzuka," Bankai stated as he introduced himself. Gesturing to Rojomaru, Bankai continued, "And this is Rojomaru."
"Woof!" barked the Inuzuka ninja dog.
"Huh, so you're from my ex's clan, aren't you?" Banyo replied, "Let me guess why you're here. The Inuzuka clan's planning a big get-together for Thanksgiving, you discovered that I was part of the clan for a while, and you thought it would be nice to invite me? That's a nice thought, kid, but if I got anywhere close to the Inuzuka clan compound, my ex would attack me on sight. Thanks, but I'd rather not get assaulted by a crazed woman who has a vendetta against everything feline."
"Actually, I just wanted to get to know you, sir," Bankai replied innocently, "Maybe you can tell me stories about my dad Kiba back when he was my age or younger." For a few seconds, Banyo just stood there in the open doorway of his apartment, looking down at Bankai. After about half a minute passed, the older man threw his head back in laughter. This behavior confused, and mildly worried, Bankai and Rojomaru at first. But since they could both tell that there was no malice in the laughter, the two Inuzuka members relaxed somewhat.
"Figures that Tsume would do this," Banyo remarked aloud, "Figures that that crazed woman wouldn't even have the decency to tell me that I have a grandson." Looking down at Bankai, Banyo stepped aside and gestured for the young Inuzuka genin to enter. "What did you say your name was again?" Banyo asked as Bankai and Rojomaru entered the apartment.
"I'm Bankai, and my ninja dog is Rojomaru," Bankai replied.
"Your dog gets along with cats, right?" Banyo asked as he, Bankai and Rojomaru walked into the living room. Bankai saw why his grandfather would ask that; two adult house cats, one solid black and one solid white, both sat in an arm chair that was placed opposite of a two-seater couch.
"Of course Rojomaru gets along with cats," Bankai replied, "He kind of has to, given that my mom is a Nekozuka clan ninja."
Hearing that last part made Banyo laugh out loud again. "Hoo boy, I bet that put a thorn in Tsume's ass," Banyo remarked as he wiped a tear from his eye, "Kiba marrying a woman from the Nekozuka clan. Way to go, Kiba! That's my boy!"
Bankai then watched as Rojomaru walked up to the armchair and greeted the two house cats. The two cats both inched their heads closer to Rojomaru, sniffed at him, then after a few seconds they both started nuzzling against Rojomaru, who proceeded to lick the cats affectionately. "I see that Luna and Artemis get along with the dog," Banyo said as he sat down on one of the empty spots on the two-seater sofa, "But then again, they get along swimmingly with Kuromaru." Looking to his grandson, Banyo said, "So you said that you wanted to hear me go on about your dad's childhood?"
"Yes I did," Bankai replied as he took the seat next to Banyo, "Or anything from back when you and Grandma Tsume were still together. All I know from what happened before I was born was what grandma Tsume told me, and a few small bits I got from aunt Hana. I want to hear what you have to say."
Smiling, Banyo chuckled in a good-natured tone as he patted Bankai on the back. "Well alright then," Banyo replied, "I guess that since this is the first time I get to spend any time with my grandson, I figure that the least I can do is oblige his request for a story. So buckle in, Bankai, because this story about the past is a doozy."
(THIRTY SOMEODD YEARS AGO, KONOHAGAKURE)
(INUZUKA CLAN COMPOUND)
"Banyo, dear, with all due respect, I have to ask this," Tsume began as she (with Kuromaru at her side) and Banyo stood in the living room of their home. Gesturing to a cat that sat on the back of the sofa in the living room (the cat was currently looking at the couple), Tsume snapped angrily, "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE?!"
"That's a cat, Tsume," Banyo replied as calmly as he could manage, which wasn't all that much as this was yet another shouting match between the two of them.
"What the hell is it doing here?" Tsume asked, looking at her husband with a look that seemed to be accusing Banyo of committing the most offensive of crimes.
"Hey, you knew full well that I'm a cat person when we got into this marriage," Banyo replied, "Besides which, Thompson there has never harmed anyone."
"Uhh, Tsume, I think your husband has a point," Kuromaru spoke up, "There really isn't anything wrong with cats."
"There is EVERYTHING wrong with cats!" Tsume insisted to her ninja dog, "They're the reason why the third great ninja war started!" (2)
"Mom, dad, are you fighting again?" asked a young Hana, who walked out into the living room.
Looking mildly worried, Banyo said, "Oh no, sweetie, we aren't fighting."
"We most certainly ARE fighting!" Tsume snapped at Banyo, "We're fighting because you brought a creature spawned on the fifth level of hell into this household!" As Hana started to cry, Tsume gestured to her while saying to Banyo, "Now look what you did! You made our daughter cry, you son of a bitch!"
"Hey, I wasn't the one who flat out said that we're fighting!" Banyo snapped back.
A few days later, Banyo was in the living room, sitting on the sofa as he watched something on TV. Thompson the cat was nuzzling against Banyo's chest, purring affectionately as he did so. As Banyo watched TV, a young Kiba walked into the living room, followed by Naruto, Choji and Shikamaru, all of which were around Kiba's age. "Hey dad, my friends and I were going to go play in the backyard," Kiba said.
"Well okay son," Banyo replied kindly, "Just be sure to-"
Stopping short upon seeing Naruto, Banyo looked to Kiba and said, "Hey son, that blonde boy isn't related to your mother's dumbass friend from the Yamanaka clan, is he?"
"No, Naruto isn't from the Yamanaka clan," Kiba replied, "In fact, I don't think that Mr. Yamanaka even has a son."
"Although Mr. Yamanaka DOES have a very annoying daughter who, like most other girls, has a crush on Sasuke Uchiha," Shikamaru pointed out.
"Okay, I just wanted to make sure," Banyo said to the boys, "Now you kids go have fun."
After the boys all went into the backyard, Banyo resumed watching TV. Walking into the living room was Hana, accompanied by Kuromaru. "Dad, mom got arrested for getting into a bar fight again," Hana said.
Sighing in a tone suggesting that this news didn't surprise him, Banyo replied, "Who did she assault this time?"
"Tsume, after drinking at least half a dozen mugs of lager according to Harold and Inoichi, knocked Fugaku Uchiha out cold with a punch to his face," said Kuromaru, "While Fugaku was trying to enjoy some drinks with Mikoto."
"...Tsume knocked out the leader of the Uchiha clan?!" Banyo asked, totally shocked.
"You need to bail mom out again," Hana said to Banyo.
Sighing, the Inuzuka patriarch said as he got up from the sofa, "Lord Third does still owe me a couple of favors from all of the times I treated his wife's cat. I guess I'll call upon one of those favors to get your mother out of jail."
A few days later, Banyo and Tsume, with Kuromaru walking alongside them, were heading to pick up Kiba from early ninja school. (3) "…At least your idiot friends weren't involved in the fight where you punched Fugaku Uchiha out cold," Banyo said to his wife in a mildly disgusted tone.
"Harold and Inoichi were caught up in watching the game that was on the TV," Tsume replied.
"Tsume, you do realize that Fugaku is the leader of the Uchiha clan," Kuromaru pointed out, "You know, one of the four noble clans of Konoha."
"Kuromaru raises an excellent point, dear," Banyo replied, "What the hell was going through your head, punching out the leader of one of Konoha's four noble clans?"
"I was drunk," Tsume pointed out.
"So lager, then," Banyo replied, "Lager was going through your head." At this point, Banyo and Tsume had reached the early ninja school; they could see the large, fenced in playground where Kiba and the other kids his age were playing.
"Hey Sasuke!" Banyo and Tsume could hear Kiba shouting, "My mom can beat up your dad!"
"Shut up, Kiba!" a young female voice shouted back, "Your mom is one of the few people in Konoha who's dumber than Naruto!"
"Shut up, Ino!" a young male voice other than Kiba's shouted.
"Don't tell Ino to shut up, Naruto!" a second young female voice shouted.
"Sakura, you aren't really being all that nice," a third young female voice shouted timidly (and not all that loudly).
"Hey, don't you tell Sakura off, you nerd!" the first young female voice shouted.
"She's not a nerd, you jerk!" the second young male voice snapped loudly. After a brief pause without shouting on the playground, the second young male voice yelled in pain.
"Oi, why the hell did you throw that thermos at Naruto's head, Ino?!" a third young male voice shouted; Banyo recognized that voice as belonging to Choji Akimichi.
As the shouting of all of the kids on the playground started to meld together, Banyo and Tsume got close enough to see that at least twenty or so kids were fighting each other. When Kuromaru saw this, he exclaimed, "My God! Tsume, Banyo, you gotta do something!"
"Hell yeah I'm going to do something," Tsume said as she cracked her knuckles, "I'm going to go find the little bitch who called me dumb and kick her ass!"
"No you are not," Banyo stated as he put a hand on Tsume's shoulder before she could head to the playground.
Later that evening, Banyo, Tsume and the rest of their family was home eating dinner. "…And so that's when Shikamaru and I ganged up on Sasuke, pushed him to the ground and made him eat dirt," Kiba said.
"Atta boy, Kiba!" Tsume proclaimed as she gave Kiba a thumbs up.
"I'm going to have a talk with Fugaku and Mikoto, aren't I?" Banyo said as he face-palmed.
Turning to look at her little brother, Hana said in a shocked tone, "You seriously pushed another kid to the ground and made him eat dirt?"
"Hey, the whole fight involved over twenty kids, myself included," Kiba defended, "So why can't Shikamaru, Choji, Naruto and I have a little fun?"
"He really is our son, ain't he Banyo?" Tsume said to her husband.
"Didn't Kiba's fat friend shoulder ram Harold's niece?" Banyo asked.
"Yeah, I can't wait to see how Harold kicks Choza's ass over that," Tsume remarked with a slight snicker.
"Hey, Sakura threw a lunchbox at Naruto's head, and he already took a thermos to the head from Ino," Kiba defended, "Are you going to expect Choji to stand by while Naruto and the rest of us are assaulted by lunch ware?"
"Son, that isn't the point," Banyo said, "Anywho, you should probably write an apology letter to that boy who you and your friend forced to eat dirt."
"Like hell Kiba's going to apologize to that little turd Sasuke!" Tsume snapped, "He started it!"
"Technically, Kiba started it, if the shouting we heard as we approached early ninja school were any indication," Kuromaru pointed out.
"Hey, Sasuke had it coming because his dad sucks," Kiba replied, "Ask mom. She can back me up on this."
"Hell yeah Fugaku sucks!" Tsume exclaimed, high-fiving her young son. All that Banyo could do was sigh.
The following day, Banyo, Tsume and Kuromaru were walking back from a meeting between all of the parents concerning the mass fight that occurred on the playground. "Why did you tell Inoichi that it was Sasuke who pushed Ino even though it was that Shino boy who did it?" Banyo asked.
"Because I like to screw with the Uchiha clan," Tsume replied with a smirk.
"That's true," Kuromaru said to Banyo, "Tsume does like to screw with the Uchiha."
"Whatever," Banyo replied, "So what did you say you want to do with Kiba again?"
"As Kiba has been born into the greatness that is the Inuzuka clan, he will one day receive his ninja dog partner," Tsume explained. With a hint of pride in her tone, Tsume continued, "And today, my dear husband, is that day."
"Hopefully Tsume doesn't try to have Kiba's dog use Thompson as a 'sparring partner'," Kuromaru remarked.
"I agree," Banyo replied.
Later, when the couple entered their home, they called Kiba out, who was in his room. "Yes, mom and dad?" Kiba replied when he arrived.
"Now Kiba, as an Inuzuka, you will one day receive your ninja dog partner," Tsume began. What Kiba said next surprised both of his parents, not to mention set a degree of horror into Tsume's heart.
"Can I get a ninja cat partner instead?" Kiba asked innocently.
"Umm…excuse me?" Tsume replied, her left eye twitching.
"Dad's pretty good with taking care of cats," Kiba explained, "I mean, he did help with taking care of Lord Third's wife's cat all of those times. And I did hear that some ninja use ninja cats rather than ninja dogs. So I was wondering, so that I could take more after dad, if I could get a ninja cat partner rather than a ninja dog partner."
Slowly, Tsume turned her head so that she could face Banyo. With an angry glare that could slay the Kyubi, Tsume said to Banyo, "How DARE you."
"What the hell did I do this time?!" Banyo snapped.
"You corrupted our son," Tsume snapped as she slapped Banyo across the face, "That's what you did, you son of a bitch!"
"The hell was that for?!" Banyo shouted angrily. As Banyo and Tsume proceeded to get into a shouting match with each other, Kiba backed away, a fearful look on his face.
Having heard shouting, Hana came out from her bedroom, looked to Kiba and, after noticing the look on his face, said, "What are mom and dad going on about this time, Kiba?!"
"Mom thinks that dad's trying to corrupt me!" Kiba replied as tears started to well up in his eyes.
As the Inuzuka siblings talked, Kuromaru came up to them, got their attention and said, "The dog door in the laundry room that leads into the backyard. Use it to get out of the house until your parents are done with their-"
"Ow! What the hell did you punch me for, Tsume?!" Banyo shouted, cutting Kuromaru off.
"Go now!" Kuromaru whispered harshly to Kiba and Hana. Nodding to Kuromaru, the Inuzuka siblings proceeded to run to the laundry room in order to escape from the house.
(FLASHBACK OVER)
"…Four days later, your grandmother and I got divorced," Banyo said to Bankai as he wrapped up his story, "And we've been separated ever since. The end."
"…Wow, so that's how it happened, huh?" Bankai asked after an awkward pause.
Getting up, Banyo stretched his arms and said, "Given me and your grandmother's differing personalities, I think that us getting divorced was for the best." Lowering his arms, Banyo said, "But enough of that. So Bankai, how is your grandmother doing? Did she get into any trouble lately?"
"…Well right now grandma Tsume and her two friends are helping some fat lady exercise and lose weight," Bankai replied.
"Wait a minute," Banyo interrupted, "Your grandmother's actually helping someone with something productive?"
"Grandma Tsume mentioned something about hula dancing to appease a volcano, but yeah," Bankai replied.
"…Your grandmother does realize that the closest volcano to Konoha is located all the way over in the Land of Wind, doesn't she?" Banyo asked.
"I think that Grandma Tsume and her friends are just being silly," Bankai replied. Looking over to the armchair in the living room, Bankai saw that Rojomaru and Banyo's two cats were cuddled together and sleeping. "Grandma would probably have a freak out if she saw Rojomaru sleeping peacefully with your cats, grandpa," Bankai remarked as he pointed to the display of interspecies friendship.
Chuckling in a good-natured tone, Banyo remarked, "Yeah, that does sound like Tsume, alright."
Turning to face his grandson, Banyo said, "So anywho, it was great getting to meet you, Bankai. Thanks for searching me out."
"Well thanks for being nowhere near as bad as grandma Tsume made you out to be," Bankai replied with a nod.
"Say, don't you have to get going home soon?" Banyo asked.
Looking to a wall clock that hung on the living room wall directly above the television set, Bankai exclaimed, "Holy crap! I'm going to be late for dinner!"
"Why don't I take you home, Bankai?" Banyo offered, "Maybe I can explain that the reason you were running late was because you were visiting me."
"…Didn't you say that Grandma Tsume would attack you on sight if she ever saw you approach the Inuzuka clan compound?" Bankai questioned.
"Which is why I'm counting on you to vouch for me, my boy," Banyo replied, "Maybe help smooth out some of your grandmother's feathers so that she won't try to maim me if I ever try to bring gifts by to your dad on the holidays."
Smiling, Bankai said, "Sure thing, grandpa Banyo. I've always wanted to have a grandpa."
"You always did have a grandpa," Banyo replied, "You always did."
"Goddamn!" Tsume exclaimed as she, Kuromaru, Harold and Inoichi walked back to the Inuzuka clan compound after spending the day hula dancing with Tenten in the throwing weapons practice grounds.
"I know," Harold remarked, "Who would have guessed that Tenten was such a great hula dancer?"
"The volcano will be most pleased with Tenten's performance," Inoichi declared, "Wait until I call Kankuro and tell him that Konoha has a natural when it comes to hula dancing!"
Tsume and the boys got to the front door, opened it and entered the house. When they did, Tsume exclaimed as she pointed at the sofa, "THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE, YOU SON OF A BITCH?!" Looking in the direction Tsume was pointing in, Harold, Inoichi and Kuromaru saw that Banyo was sitting on the sofa with Sakaki and Bankai; Banyo and Bankai were on either side of Sakaki, who had a photo album open in her lap as she was apparently pointing out various memories to Banyo.
"Mama Tsume, why haven't you ever let papa Banyo here ever have a more active role in Bankai's life?" Sakaki asked when she faced her mother-in-law, "He's nowhere near as bad as you made him out to be!"
"Well of course YOU would think that my bastard ex is an upstanding person," Tsume snapped, "You and he are of a like mind when it comes to hell spawns!"
"Don't you mean cats, Tsume?" Banyo asked, "And before you say anything, Bankai visited me because he wanted to know more about me. I brought him back here because he said he was running late for dinner."
"When we got here, mom introduced herself and invited Grandpa Banyo to stay for dinner," Bankai continued.
"…Well it seems that no harm was done," Harold remarked, "I mean, Banyo here seems to just be trying to be a good grandpa."
"I'm surprised that you haven't allowed your ex to take a more active role in your grandson's life, Tsume," Inoichi said, "I mean, given that Ino didn't allow me to have an active role in Shikaru's and Inohime's lives until Ino needed Michelle and I to watch them that one time, I can sort of get how Banyo might feel."
"Look Tsume, I'm not asking you to change," Banyo said, "Or to forgive me, or even to get back together with me. All I'm asking is that you at least tolerate me enough to let me spend time with Kiba and the others. They aren't just your family, after all. They're mine as well."
After no words were spoken by anyone for about a minute or so, Tsume broke the silence by saying, "Oh what the hell. So long as you don't try to get Bankai to drop Rojomaru in favor of getting a ninja cat, I'm game with this plan."
Smirking in a manner suggesting that he somewhat expected Tsume to give such a response, Banyo replied, "I wouldn't even dream of it, Tsume. I wouldn't even dream of it."
"Well now that the relationship between Tsume and her ex has upgraded to Amicable Exes status, I say we celebrate," Inoichi declared.
"I agree," Harold remarked as he threw an arm around Banyo and dragged him into a hug, "I wanna see how much this lug can drink! Let's head to the bar!"
"Oh swell," Banyo muttered dryly to himself.
END, CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
Author's Notes:
(1) To keep Sunagakure citizens from getting too close to the volcano for safety reasons, Gaara came up with the excuse that the land immediately surrounding the volcano is 'sacred land' which requires a special permit issued by the office of the Kazekage to enter. These permits are somewhat pricey.
(2) No they aren't.
(3) Kiba and the others his age weren't quite old enough to enter the Hidden Leaf Ninja Academy at this point.
The original idea I had for this chapter focused primarily on Tenten trying to lose weight after an incident at a water park in Konoha, but I couldn't stretch that plot out enough without most of the humor in the chapter being awkward and, in all honesty, somewhat cringe-worthy. Therefore, I decided to make it something of a B-plot that will be featured over multiple chapters. I was actually planning to use the 'Bankai meets his grandpa Banyo' plot for another chapter at some point anyway, but after eighty-sixing the 'Tenten diet' idea, I decided to move this plot idea forward.