Alternative Route Taken

by Castlefan6

Authors Note: Another What If based on the episode, A Deadly Game, what happened if Rick didn't return to the precinct after leaving and this was really their last case. What would each other's lives have looked like? The story starts with Canon dialog, courtesy of Dust Jackets Dot Com, then goes quickly and completely AU. The journey continues with a new Kate and Rick, hope you enjoy!

I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create.

A/N This may or may not end up as a Caskett fic, if that bothers you, please wait for updates to see which direction the story goes. Respectful comments are always welcome, trolls will be deleted.

Also, we may take liberties with the timeline from Canon and use events to make this a more believable fiction, thanks.

Previously

They were headed for a destination in Afghanistan that the entire world knew was a hotbed. Their mission rescue 5 agents trapped and running low on supplies and ammunition. The cover story was he was part of a group flying supplies into the storm-ravaged area of South America.

"Richard, I'll see you when you get back, don't do anything stupid like get yourself killed, your Mother would kill me next, see you in three weeks," and walked away.

So, it began, operation forget Beckett, except for one small item, her letter was in his backpack. He would read it, what the hell, nothing better to do for a few hours.

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Chapter 12

Sunday 4:56 PM

Undisclosed Aircraft, somewhere over the USA

Rick's POV

Rick knew they would be in the air for quite some time, so more out of boredom than anything else, well he had promised Alexis he would at least read Kate's letter. It had been almost 9 weeks now, he doubted anything she said in the letter would still be valid if it ever was anyway. She had spent almost $90 to have it delivered, so whatever she said had to be important to her, or it was at that time.

His mind flashed back to the club, him holding Gina, then when the music ended, Kate started the small talk with Gina, not even recognizing that he was standing directly in front of her. Something must have clicked, the moment she saw him walking, she called his name, and had a look of a shattered piece of glass on her face when he addressed her, "Hello Detective" and nothing more. Her partner seemed like a new date, he was too polite and trying too hard to impress, so Rick knew she was early on in seeing him.

When he thought of all the times he hurt, almost physically when he saw her with Deming, and this time, nothing, not even for a friend, well he had come a long way. Even Gina admitted to him that he was acting far more mature than she had expected. She said what others had been thinking, it was almost like the moment Beckett waved her finger her fetch dog would come running. Perhaps that would have been accurate at one time, but not anymore, he proved it to himself, Gina, and most importantly Beckett.

He looked around and he had the privacy he wanted as he slid his finger under the seal of the envelope and carefully removed several pages, he really didn't care how many, at this point, he was looking for something to kill time, and to keep a promise to Alexis.

He began to read the letter, not sure what to expect but the first part was pretty much what he had thought, why he should listen to her, and believe her. The Old Times' sake was a nice touch, as was pulling in his transgression about looking into her Mom's case.

"Dear Rick,

"I am writing to ask one favor, call it for old times' sake, or for the one time, I really listened to your apology for looking into my Mom's case. Please remember how upset I was with you, but I did allow you the opportunity to talk to me, that's all I'm asking now is for you to read this letter.

She had no idea how badly he tried to get over her in New York, he hated leaving his little, well young lady of a daughter, and yes, he hated leaving Gina. People would never be able to understand that just because you can't live with someone, it doesn't translate into I hate you, or I wish you were dead. That was for juveniles, the mature approach was to be thankful for the good times, regret the bad, take ownership of your failures and salvage any part of the feelings that brought you together in the first place.

He had betrayed her wishes, but he didn't lie to her, not as she had him. He omitted telling her about it until he knew that she had to know even if she kicked him out, which she did at first. How can you compare the two lies, both were not right, but was one less hurtful than the other? Probably not, but was one without rhyme or reason and the other to protect someone's feeling, the answer was a huge yes. Enough he thought, it was a debate he wasn't going to have regardless of how she felt, let her win she was right, it didn't matter now.

I know you are moving on to your next project, even though you know I don't want you to go. if I have hurt you so badly that you can't stand the sight of me, I understand and ask you to forgive me.

Well, she had finally opened her eyes, but she still saw her self as the victim, and telling me she didn't want me to go after weeks of treatment worse than any suspect or repeat criminal had received, well the words were too little and far too late.

"I think the biggest hurt I caused was by lying to you, it was stupid and really hurtful as I reflect back on the times, I was lied to about personal relationships. I chose the High School method, trying to make you jealous so you would step up and declare some feelings for me, it was juvenile, hurtful, and really backfired when you told Deming he had an open lane, there was nothing going on between us except friends.

She finally understood the action that ended the desire, no that wasn't correct, that forced him to end the contact between them to keep his sanity and not drop his standards down to accept lies as normal behavior. Ever since his youth, he was taught that lying was almost as bad as doing the deed, combine them both and it made your actions three times more unacceptable. He would have been hurt if she had told him "Sorry Rick, Tom is the one I want, better luck next time" but it would have been much better than to find out in the manner he had.

Now she admits she knew I had feelings for her, all the previous times, it was "wait in the car Castle", "Can I shoot him now", or the time she asked Lanie, "You want him, you're welcome to him" as if he was a disease. One thing about Beckett, she knew how to hurt people with just her tongue, hurtful words that never went away.

One line had him wondering if she had been played the fool in High School and this was her Modis Operandum now to keep from getting hurt, she would tear you down before you could leave, or hurt her.

"That was a lie as well Rick, you knew it, I knew it, neither of us brave enough to vocalize what we really meant, we have feelings for each other, or at least had. I know I still feel them for you, but the way I screwed things up, I know you are trying if you haven't already forgotten me.

Rick almost choked as he read the words about her having feelings, he replayed almost every conversation, and as close he came to hear her utter a word close to that was an occasional Thank You for her coffee, usually followed up with a smart ass remark to keep him at a safe distance.

How can you have feelings for someone, take up with another man, flaunt that relationship both physically in the stairwells, and comments about their sex life being so fantastic and expect anyone to interpret that as Hey I have feelings for you, I may be fucking my boyfriend, but you are the one I really want.

She must have really been messed up in her youth to think, even for a millisecond that it was a normal behavioral pattern among adults. The only accurate part of that passage was him trying to forget her if she only knew the steps, and sacrifices he made to avoid her, she wouldn't have wasted the time or energy to write the letter.

"I know that I won't be able to get any information from anyone, especially your family, but know this Rick, I am worried about you. I have no idea what the next project you mentioned is, but I have a very bad, sick feeling, you're my partner, or were, but Rick please will you at least let me know you are alive and well? If you wanted to punish me for my poor behavior, you found the perfect weapon, your absence, and silence.

This part of the letter would have been hilarious, except she was really being serious when she wrote it. She had never acknowledged him as more than her tag along, not by her request, never as a partner, nor had she ever shown one ounce of concern if he were dead or alive.

What or who wrote this? It certainly wasn't the Katherine Beckett that he knew, that he had spent so much energy and effort on just trying to get her to acknowledge his existence. To realize that regardless of what she thought, he had feelings and hurt deeply.

She wanted to know if he was OK, and knew that his family wouldn't tell her any information? She got that part right; Alexis went from looking up to her as an idol to hating her with a passion. Gina would rather do anything than to even hear her name, and Paula was waiting for her chance to wreak her revenge on the "know it all bitch", Paula's words not his. The chance of any of them telling her anything was probably less than winning the State Lottery.

Rick read then re-read the line about punishment by silence three times, and he was convinced that Kate was either drunk or in a deep state of depression when she wrote the letter. She never would have said something like that, not even in her weakest moment.

"I know you are laughing, provided you have made it this far in the letter, the man I constantly implored to be quiet, the man who silently sat next to me, providing me with a sense of security I have never felt before, is missed? Since when you are asking, well since the moment you walked away.

"I treated, and allowed others to do the same or worse, particularly a Detective who couldn't polish your shoes, and for that, I will always be sorry, there was, is, and never will be any excuse for that behavior, and I ask for your forgiveness.

Rick read the next two paragraphs and looked around to be sure he wasn't being played, or punked, in some fashion. When he was sure she had really written the lines, he was in shock. The words she had written would have been a game-changer if she had given him the slightest clue that was how she felt, her apology was heartfelt, and unusual, mainly because he had never heard her apologize to anyone for anything before.

He closed his eyes, and tried to regain the old feelings he once had, and even reading, and smelling her perfume on the letter, he felt nothing but sadness for the woman who had nearly destroyed him, taking with it any chance of anything more than being an acquaintance. He remembered things in far too much detail to wipe it all away, and forgiveness was something you earned by making up for what you had done to injure the other person, he hadn't stuck around for a repeat of her performance. Two years were enough, far too much in some ways.

"I know you have heard of the story about Deming and his return to the 54th to face sexual harassment charges, but you probably haven't heard that I broke up with him early the morning you left, I was hoping for one more chance. My timing was and continues to be more than awful since when you came out of Roy's office with only one coffee in your hand, I knew I had damaged you far more than I realized.

I was hoping to ask for another chance at the invitation to the Hamptons, but I found out that Alexis, Paula, and Gina had sent them out when I was with Tom and of course I was off the list. I know it wasn't you directly but Rick, it hurt, it really hurt to know I was the only one who was not invited to the Memorial Day party.

Yes, it was my fault, I lied to you, I can understand the hurt, even the anger, but it was humiliating to me Rick to have every one of my co-workers know that I didn't attend because I wasn't invited. It was nice of you to include those stuck here to attend the Old Haunt, but I couldn't bring myself to even go there. If Alexis and Paula wanted to see me cry, well they got their wish, I cried, a lot, and I do miss you, Rick.

Rick wasn't the type of man to relish in someone else's misfortune but when he read about her being humiliated because she wasn't invited to the party? What the Fuck? How do you think I felt daily when you rubbed Deming in my face or continued to tell me I wasn't there because it was your choice, every chance you got you put me down, he thought, and you were humiliated because of a party?

Oh, my Detective, I feel so sorry for you, he thought, now his anger was kicking in. How dare she compare her humiliation with his, just when he was beginning to feel some remorse, some compassion it was back to poor Kate. This was the real Kate he had expected when he started reading the letter, how he had somehow made her life worse, well here it was. It took her almost 9 pages but she didn't disappoint. I guess it's true a leopard can't change its spots. He started the next paragraph and really got pissed, she was forgiving others for them hurting her, who the hell did she think she was.

I won't drag this on, I know you hate long letters than just repeat the facts, but Rick I want to say that for the hurt I felt, I forgive anyone who did it to me, intentionally or not, and I only ask that you consider forgiving me, I forgave you when you and the entire precinct thought I wouldn't. Would you please consider that I'm here Rick, I'll always be here so please call me if you need me?

I hope you find it in your heart to give me the chance to not only say it but to prove to my partner how important he is to me, please.

Take care of yourself, Rick, as I said, I have a very bad feeling and I'm worried about you, never forget, I do care about you, oh hell, I love you, there I said it. Please call me,

Always,

Kate

He breezed through the remainder of the letter, his anger still boiling almost to the tipping point. He knew he needed to calm down before he responded IF he responded at all. It had been only a few days since he had spotted her dancing with the good-looking gentleman, I guess that's one way to wait for forgiveness from someone who you love. It was almost laughable, but not in a funny way.

Did she know the meaning of the word Love? Had she ever loved anyone other than herself? How fucked up was she coming out of High School to not be able to establish and hold any relationships past that of the FBI agent, which was more of convenience than of feelings, she had admitted.

She settled, well, the letter did nothing to help her, in fact, if anything it gave him resolve to see the mission through and come back Beckett Cleansed, ready to start back on a search for a true relationship.

Xx

ONE WEEK LATER

Somewhere in Afghanistan

Rick was prepared or so he thought until his plane took heavy enemy fire just trying to land 50 miles from the actual target landing spot identified, he looked over at Garcia, and just said: "Fuck you old man, I don't want to have to carry your sorry ass so keep you heard low."

"I was going to tell you the same thing Pussy, keep your head low and your mouth shut," Garcia replied,

The first three days, Rick didn't know if it was day or night, or if he would ever see his family again, but then they finally punched through, and pushed the insurgents back long enough to rescue the remaining three operatives, two had been killed.

The bodies were recovered, and the booby traps set, and just as they were boarding the choppers to get them the hell out of there, they heard the building blow. Fire and smoke were everywhere and they wasted no time getting out of the area, and finally back behind enemy lines. The first person to greet their plane was Jackson Hunt,

"Good Job, how many did we lose Sarge?"

"None sir, we have a few nicked up, but they will make it, two agents bought it before we could get them out, but they fell for the trap when we evacuated, parts of them are still landing sir."

"Castle, Garcia, get your gear, you have to haul ass, to make your connection to your cover, the next rescue flight leaves in 19 hours, the photo op is all set up, get going" so much Rick thought about catching up with his Dad,

Xx

True to the word, it was a staged photo opportunity for fundraising for Mercy Flights, and to keep Rick's cover intact. He actually flew one mission, as simple as it was, a medical drop by parachute and return but the pictures and press release told a totally different story, one he had to stick by,

TBC