Walter Koskiusko "Painless Pole" Waldowski was depressed. He wasn't like that before, when he thought that his manhood had been threatened. It had been a wonderful woman, Leslie "Dish" Scorch, that persuaded him that he was not a homosexual. Painless Pole was grateful for her kindness…until he was jilted. Ever since Leslie had left him, he thought that his days were numbered and that he no longer belonged anywhere.
It was worse that Leslie went after their CO, Colonel Blake. Old Henry had a soft spot for the women, especially because his wife wasn't around. It was too easy for Leslie to run for his paternal care and leave Painless Pole in the dirt. And it didn't take much effort either. Leslie was getting bored with him. Even their postwar plans did not make sense anymore and she no longer held interest in a Stateside home.
And so, Painless Pole lost the woman he hungered after. It burned him enough to be obsessive. Everyday, as he sat by the Swamp, he watched Leslie walk hand-in-hand with Henry. It was all he did until he had to work in someone's mouth or go to the OR. Otherwise, Hawkeye, Trapper and the others tried to get him to get over Leslie. They pushed nurse after nurse in his direction. It never worked because none of them were like her. Painless Pole only wanted one woman: Leslie. She would only get him up.
He went on like this until he recalled one strange afternoon. They had been in the OR for hours. Painless Pole had never been helpful there, but he was always a body that carried wounded men from one place to another. Hawkeye and Trapper always made him help them too.
Painless Pole was so tired. It had been a grueling session and he was ready to go to bed. For once, he did not brood for Leslie. Any cot was more comfortable than a woman's breasts for the moment. Hell, even Klinger was a comfortable. His Scarlett O'Hara dress was large enough that Painless Pole could have used it for a pillow and slept through Klinger's complaints all the same.
His eyes hardly stayed open. Painless Pole blindly walked through the compound, eager to find any tent to sleep in. He could not find his and didn't know which direction he was going to. He just understood that he had to get someplace to slumber…and that somebody was holding him up. Painless Pole did not care who was assisting him. He was oddly appreciative that there was some comfort before the blackout.
He did not know what was going on until hours later. When Painless Pole woke up, he was lying down, all right…and there was a woman next to him. They were covered under a blanket, but did not have any other clothes on. Painless Pole thought the mystery was more and more intriguing. He had to pull aside the green material to see his savior. He never minded being so close to a woman and was shocked to see who was there.
It was Leslie!
Painless Pole was so elated that he almost screamed with delight. For the moment though, he had to tread carefully. Sure, Leslie had (with any luck) chosen to be with him. But he was going to scare her if he made any sudden moves. He had to do his best to woo her. She had done it for him in a surprising manner. He had to have the courage and patience to do the same.
Eagerly, he waited until she woke up. It took some time, no doubt about it. Once those smoky eyes blinked, Painless Pole was caressing her, from the face to the breast. Leslie smiled and purred. She leaned back and stretched like a cat in anticipation of every move. Then, when it seemed like Painless Pole would move further down, she made a grab for his black hair. The sudden jerk stopped his ministrations quickly.
"There isn't anybody like you," she declared so quietly that Painless Pole almost did not hear her. "But I think you're going about it the wrong way."
Painless Pole chuckled. "Well, which way do you think I should go?"
"South is a good direction," Leslie decided. "It's warmer down there."
The answer was what Painless Pole had been waiting for. Ever since Leslie broke it off with him, he had been praying (well, hoping anyway) that she would come back. This was the best he could have imagined. But something was stopping him from moving forward. It was like a mirage. The picture of a naked Leslie soon developed in another world, where he was laying on a cot, still naked. His clothes were crumpled on the floor next to him.
Leslie was standing over him. "How dare you?" she screamed as she slapped him across the face. "Keep your filthy hands off of me!"
Painless Pole shook his head free from the wonderful dream. Dejected, he noticed that he was in the nurses' tent. He listened to Leslie shout out a list of grievances and a threat that Major Houlihan will hear about his assault. Worse, Leslie pushed him out of the nurses' tent with nothing except the gown he wore in the OR and a blanket. He didn't have time to change. He had to make a mad dash to the Swamp.
He endured the whistles from his fellow campmates before the final applause at the Swamp. From the poker game before him, he even had to tolerate the crass comments from Spearchucker, Ugly John, Trapper and Hawkeye. Even with his esteemed gusts (including Sidney Freedman and Sam Pak), Henry Blake just sat there, smoking his cigar. He played a hand and grinned, taking his winnings from the others. He did note that Painless Pole hardly was in uniform and saluted.
It was humiliating. Painless Pole swiftly changed and excused himself. He could not look at anybody in the face just yet. It was bad enough that Leslie was going to report him. Nobody was going to believe that he didn't mean to fall asleep in the nurses' tent…and Leslie's bed, for that matter!
In the meantime, the pining had to cease. Leslie was never going to let up and Painless Pole had learned a hard lesson about women. He could not trust them. He was too sophisticated and his talents were wasted in Korea.
Hell, Leslie could have Henry Blake all she wanted. Their relationship was nothing more than a rebound from a suicide anyway. Painless Pole was just another memory and he was glad of it. Leslie will remain the same.