"...and so I give two major thumbs down to Unnatural Born Killers, although I do give Ivan Wrongman credit for trying something new. Next week, we'll be back for a first look at Jaws 5,623, so stay tuned for that," Pongo finished his latest set of movie reviews. Shaking his head, Lone Starr switched off the TV. "Is it just me, or are movies getting worse and worse every year?" he asked Barf.
"Seems like it," the mawg agreed, "And the worst part is, we're still waiting for Spaceballs II: The Search for More Money after all this time. That would probably blow everything out of the water."
"Well, keep hoping," Lone Starr encouraged him. "Want anything from the fridge?"
"You betcha," Barf eagerly leaped up and rushed through the curtain. Lone Starr followed, noting Vespa and Mary Sue were now in the middle of a holographic chess game. "Who's winning?" he walked over.
"She is," his bride pointed at the newcomer, who captured one of her pieces by pulling out a hammer and pounding it flat, "No matter what move I make, she seems to have the perfect counterpoint for it, I don't know why."
"Really? Are you sure the game's clean here?" Lone Starr glanced underneath the table the board was on, searching for any hidden tricks.
"I'm not cheating," Mary Sue insisted, "It's just, well, I've found that I'm perfect in a lot of ways. Whenever I play a game, I always end up winning; I can't quite explain it, but I'm not going to complain-Beebleweeble to A-4," she directed another piece to another one of Vespa's squares, where it handed her piece a stick of dynamite and digitally blew it up.
"That's neat," Barf was impressed, "You'll have to give me some pointers on that the next time I play it."
"Uh, Barf, no one's perfect," Lone Starr reminded him with a frown, "She's lucky, maybe, but..."
"Say, Prince, looks like there's a toll booth up ahead," Dot interrupted from the window. Lone Starr's brow furled. "A toll booth? This isn't a toll road." He then shrugged. "Oh well..."
He slowed the Eagle 5-A to a stop at the toll booth's lowering gate. "OK, how much do I owe you?" he asked out loud, digging for his wallet.
"I believe, Captain Lone Starr, the proper price shall be your life," came the smug, suave response, followed by a clicking sound. Lone Starr spun to find himself looking directly down the barrel of a rocket launcher, and a familiar face from many years ago holding it...
"ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNN!" he pointlessly bellowed at the top of his lungs, the shout echoing all around. "Yes, it is I, your old friend Ron Belzel Ringh," the former warlord snickered.
"And his little friend Also-Ron!" the midget jumped up and leveled his own rocket launcher at the hero, "You gonna pay for...whooooooooaaa!"
The launcher had proven too heavy for him to hold, and he staggered backwards and tumbled to the booth floor. Ron rolled his eyes in disgust. "As I was saying, Captain," he turned back to Lone Starr, "If you thought I could be exiled forever, you have made a very tragic mistake. This bloody fantasy that I am about to give to you shall be for ruining my empire and all my life's work. Have a very nice day, Lone Starr."
He pulled the launcher's trigger. Lone Starr hit the floor in a flash. "No!" came Mary Sue's cry. She leaped forward through the curtain and held up her hand at the rocket...which amazingly caused the rocket to stop in mid-air, turn around and fly back towards Ron. His eyes going wide, Ron dove headfirst out of the toll booth seconds before the rocket soared in and blew it up, sending a screaming Also-Ron flying high in the air, screaming. "Whoa, how'd you do that!?" Barf turned to Mary Sue, amazed.
"I don't know," she shrugged, "I've found I just have this special power..."
"Never mind that, let's just get out of here...AAAAACCCCKKK!" King Roland cut off his complaint with a gasp. For a huge flat painted to look like the starry space around them next to the toll booth fell down, revealing the giant, hulking Spaceball 3 hiding behind it. "Good afternoon, Lone Starr," came Helmet's voice over a loudspeaker, "In the name of President Skroob, I hereby give you ten seconds to surrender yourself and everyone aboard your Winnebago into our custody, or we shall make you unbelievably dead. You now have nine seconds. You now have eight seconds. You now have seven seconds. You now have..."
"I don't need the running count, Helmet!" Lone Starr shouted out the window at him, "By the way, what's that over there, a comet?"
He pointed backwards. The instant the dots that were the faces of the people on Spaceball 3's bridge turned in that direction, he threw the Eagle 5-A into drive and jammed his foot down hard on the accelerator, sending everyone tumbling backwards. "Hold on, everyone, I'll try and lose them," he declared to everyone else.
"No need, I'll take them out for you. Everyone stand back," Meteor Mole had hefted a very large laser rifle and taken aim at the window-at least initially, before his aim drifted hard to the left. "No, no, not that way!" Dot protested, but it was too late; the mole started blindly firing at the back of the Eagle 5-A, doing extensive damage to the walls and setting the bathroom on fire. "Meteor, let me, I've had as much experience as you," Mary Sue ran back and grabbed it off him.
"Hey, I was just about to finish them off!" Meteor protested, pointing at the burning bathroom. The girl paid no heed, throwing open the Winnebago's rear port window and blasting away at Spaceball 3, impressively scoring large hits on the front of the ship. Spaceball 3 nonetheless continued onward, firing everything it had at the Eagle 5-A, but, probably because it was crewed by bad guys, scored no hits at all. "They're still gaining on us!" Dot warned everyone, staring at the enemy ship rapidly catching up in the passenger side rearview mirror.
"Yeah, I see," Lone Starr acknowledged this himself in the driver's side mirror, "Well, until we can get clear enough to go to light speed, we've got to keep them at arm's length; Barf, you know what to do," he turned to the mawg.
"Got it; putting them at arm's length," Barf pressed a button on the control panel. A panel slid open on the back of the Eagle 5-A, and a giant arm extended outwards, its palm pressing against the nose of Spaceball 3 and holding it back literally at arm's length. "Good. Now get the king to the escape pod," he told the mawg.
"Uh, Boss, are you sure that's a good idea...?" Barf looked confused.
"I'm not endangering the ruler of Druidia's life in a big chase and firefight, Barf; get King Roland to the escape pod!" Lone Starr ordered him.
"Well, OK," Barf shrugged. He bustled back through the curtain. "Are you sure you're doing the right thing with this!?" Vespa leaned towards him, concerned.
"Your father's safety should come first, darling; once he's in the escape pod and clear, we can come back and pick him up after..." Lone Starr stopped and looked up, a frown crossing his face. "Uh oh, just realized...this ship doesn't have an escape pod..."
"Lone Starr you...!" came King Roland's furious bellow out the driver's side window. Gulping, Lone Starr turned to witness his father-in-law floating backwards through space towards Spaceball 3, hurling angry obscenities at him. "Oh, nicely done, honey!" Vespa upbraided him, "How are we going to get him back now!?"
"Uh, well...the hero always comes up with something..." was the best her husband could come up with.
"Well, the king's safe, kind of," Barf announced sheepishly, coming back through the curtain.
"We know," the prince and princess mumbled, shaking their heads.
"Ah. Well, the good news is, we still have the Spaceballs back at arm's length for now," Barf slid back into the front passenger seat and glanced backwards out the window at the trailing spaceship, which was fighting against the arm holding it back, but still being held in place by it, "How much longer till we can get to light speed?"
Any answer was cut off by a loud whistle shrieking ahead of them. They all looked forward and cried out. For they were approaching a space railroad crossing, and a space train was rapidly approaching. "Oh great! Who wrote this in here!?" Vespa protested.
"Never mind. Hang on, we're going through," Lone Starr jammed his foot on the accelerator again. The Eagle 5-A shot forward, smashed through the descending crossing gate, and roared over the tracks seconds before the train would have impacted with them. "Good, that should be the end of that chase for now," the hero breathed a sigh of relief.
"Don't be so sure, Prince Boy!" Dot pointed backwards, where Spaceball 3, taking advantage of the obvious flaw of train tracks in space, was going underneath the tracks and train to continue the pursuit. "Well, we're far enough away now for light speed," Lone Starr rationalized, "Everyone buckle up; here we go..."
"We have them in range, sir," Sandurz announced to his superior, watching the Winnebago get closer and closer through Spaceball 3's front window.
"Excellent. Prepare to attack," Helmet leaned forward in anticipation, "This time on the count of one..."
But before he could even get that count out, the Eagle 5-A's hyperjet engines lit up, and the Winnebago launched out of sight into light speed. "Come on, Lone Starr, give us a chance to build suspense!" the villain protested, yanking up his visor, "Follow them, Sandurz, at Ludicrous Speed!" he ordered the colonel.
"You crazy, Helmet!? Ludicrous is too slow!" Wenn complained behind them.
"Ludicrous speed too slow!?" Helmet raised his eyebrows at him.
"It's time we go beyond Ludicrous to...Insane Speed," his apprentice declared.
"Insane Speed?" Sandurz turned pale, "Lord Wenn, that's just not possible! If the ship held together just barely in Ludicrous, there's no way we can hold together in Insane Speed! And we'll pass them in no time and be...!"
"You know what, Colonel, Helmet's right; you are chicken!" Wenn snarled at him, "Activate the big hook I know's underneath this ship; we'll grab them and be back on Planet Spaceball with them in five minutes." He grabbed the intercom. "Attention engine room..."
"Lord Wenn, I am the master, and you are the apprentice here, and you'll do what I say!" Helmet shouted at him. He then took the intercom himself. "Attention engine room: Insane Speed, GO!"
"Sir, we haven't made preparations for...!" Sandurz's last minute plea was cut off as Spaceball 3 rapidly launched forward in the early stages of light speed. Sandurz grabbed hold of his chair by the command railing and held on tight as the stars started rapidly flying by and his body flew out flat behind him. "Sir, haven't you forgotten what happened the last time we went this fast!?" he called back to his boss.
"Come to mention it, Sandurz, yes I did!" a now panicked Helmet grabbed hold of the colonel's legs, screaming as the ship moved rapidly from light speed to Ridiculous Speed and into the plaid of Ludicrous Speed. "Wenn, we're going to pass them again!" he shouted to his apprentice, who had managed to stay on his feet and was holding on to the command railing with a calm expression.
"Lower the hook and grab them!" Wenn shouted back. Sandurz groped about the command railing for the manual controls. "Right...here!" he pressed a button...immediately dousing Helmet and himself with a spray of water from above. "That's the sprinkler override, you dope!" Helmet yelled at him, "The hook, quick, here they come!" he noticed a non-plaid spot of space coming up quick in the window.
"Should be...right...here...out of order!?" Sandurz gasped, seeing the hook's button had the familiar tag on it. Helmet growled in frustration. "Still nothing works in the future...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" he screamed as the ship significantly sped up even more into Insane Speed, the plaid outside the front window now swirling in a hypnotic circle. "Sandurz, stop this thing!" he ordered the colonel.
"Sir, a dead stop at Insane Speed is insane!" Sandurz shouted over the scream of the engines, "I don't even think slowing down will help now...!"
"Sandurz, STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPPPP!" Helmet bellowed in terror. Sandurz strained for the familiar brake lever and grabbed it-after which it broke off in his hand when he pulled on it. The colonel stared at it numbly for a moment, then did the most courageous thing he could think of at the moment: he screamed like a girl in terror as the ship continued lurching at Insane Speed through the cosmos, slamming through several stars in succession and leaving a natural straight-line tunnel through them for future space travelers. "Wenn, do something!" Helmet begged his apprentice desperately.
"Oh well, this is new," Wenn folded his arms smugly across his chest, "Not so confident in yourself as the master now, huh Dark? I want your word on equal partners; no more master-apprentice rubbish from now on, especially for a former king like me. And you start using my boys in the Knights of Wenn more besides your..."
"I promise, I promise! Now stop this ship somehow, PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE!" Helmet wailed.
"OK, good, now we're getting somewhere. Hold on tight," Wenn stepped up to the command railing and jammed his feet down on a pair of brake pedals on the floor that Helmet had never noticed before. Spaceball 3 immediately lurched to a dead stop from Insane Speed in half a second, the abruptness of the stop once more sending Helmet flying across the room screaming at the top of his lungs, where he smashed hard through the window. "Sir, are you all right!?" Sandurz ran up to him, concerned.
"Do I look like I'm...AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Helmet shrieked again. For his ship had come out of Insane Speed right in the middle of an asteroid field, and large asteroids started smacking hard off his face one by one. "Pull him out, quick!" Sandurz ordered the technicians sitting nearby. They grabbed Helmet's legs and pulled him backwards, but not quickly enough to prevent a particularly huge asteroid to slam hard into Spaceball 3's bow, and with it, Helmet's face. "Thanks," the evil leader groaned once he was back on his feet, his glasses shattered once more, "I owe you for that one, Wenn," he staggered towards his apprentice.
"That's Partner now, Dark," Wenn reminded him.
"Sure, sure, of course," Helmet stumbled around dazedly. It was at this point the door at the rear of the bridge slid open. "Sir, we've just captured King Roland," a trooper announced as he and several of his colleagues forced the king at gunpoint onto the bridge.
"Good, good, that's..." Helmet stopped and quickly pulled his visor back down. "...that's good," he continued in his more ominous voice. "So King Roland, you thought you could outwit the imperious forces of Planet Spaceball? Well, you were wrong," he cockily approached the monarch, "You are now our prisoner, and for starters will surrender your crown to us."
"Not on your life, Helmet," King Roland defiantly grabbed hold of the crown, "I don't know what evil scheme you're cooking up here now, Helmet, but it won't work! My daughter and son-in-law will find a way to stop you...!" He then frowned in confusion. "That's the best dialogue they could come up with for this?"
"Yeah, yeah, breathe all the hot air you want, King, but we're no balloons," Wenn cut him off sharply, "Once this evil scheme's carried to the end, I'm going to be a king and you won't be. Put him in a transport module and fire him towards Planet Spaceball," he ordered the troopers, who dragged the king off, "We'll break him eventually."
"Lord Helmet, I'm picking up a transmission,' a nearby technician spoke up, "It appears to be from Dr. Waylon Shipps."
"Shipps? Good, maybe he's going to surrender. On the big screen," Helmet ordered. The big screen lowered from the ceiling, revealing a static-filled image of the doctor. "Greetings, Lord Helmet, and everyone connected therewith," he greeted Helmet icily, "I'm calling from an undisclosed location somewhere in the galaxy, and you'll never find me."
"Do not be too sure about that, Dr. Shipps; we will find you, and we will put you back to work on our project," Helmet warned him.
"Nice tune, Helmet, but I didn't come here to dance. I'm sending this message to let you know you'll never catch me," Dr. Shipps mocked him, "If you thought killing most of my family and locking me up to do your bidding was going to break me, well, you thought wrong. I bided my time and waited for the right moment to break out, and now I'm free again, and my research will never be used for evil purposes again. And in the meantime, I have two very important pieces of information to tell you..."
"Oh really, what's that, Doctor?" Sandurz inquired, nodding at the sight of the transport module now carrying King Roland to Planet Spaceball zooming past the bridge window.
"First, when you tried to kill my whole family, you forgot my daughter Mary Sue. I haven't seen her for years, but she's coming to get you, I just know it, and don't be surprised if she ends up being a Chosen One who can defeat you and the entire Spaceball forces without even breaking a sweat."
"Very amusing tale, but I'm not afraid of a cheap self-inserted author avatar," Helmet laughed, "What else?"
"What else is, when you made me build your big, impressive ship there," Dr. Shipps leaned forward with a triumphant smile, "I sabotaged Spaceball 3's engines. They've been leaking explosive gases into the engine room since you've started on your voyage of destruction. The slightest spark in there'll set the whole works off. Have a nice day, Helmet."
He laughed in delight and signed off. Helmet yanked up his visor, pale. "Sandurz, show me the engine room A.S.A.P.!" he ordered the colonel.
"Engine room coming up, sir," Sandurz pressed the buttons on the main console to show the interior of the engine room-right as a technician stepped through the door and pulled out a cigarette. "Oh no...!" Helmet turned even paler. He frantically grabbed the intercom radio and switched it on. "DOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNN'TTTT!" he screamed to the technician at the top of his lungs. But it was too late: the technician pulled out a cigarette lighter and lit it up. Seconds later, Spaceball 3 lit up in a colossal explosion, sending its pieces scattering in all directions through the cosmos. And in the rapidly spinning bridge, Helmet's voice could be heard saying dazedly, "You know, Sandurz, they're right; smoking can be dangerous to your health..."