"Everyone stay calm, I'll handle this," Yogurt's voice rang out through the night air. The Schwartz master calmly walked up to the stationary Spaceball 5. "Evening, Helmet," he waved to the villain.
"Yogurt. So, at last you and I unofficially come face to face," Helmet said sternly to him over the spaceship's loudspeaker, "Surrender yourself, Lone Starr, and the others into our custody, and maybe I'll skip torturing you on our trip to Planet Spaceball."
"Interesting proposition, Helmet. Which, though, can only bring one response: nyah, nyah, can't catch me!" Yogurt stuck out his tongue at Helmet, then dashed for a set of speeder bikes randomly but conveniently parked nearby. "Dink, dink, dink dink dink!" the Dinks shouted in turn at the ship, also sticking out their tongues and rushing for the bikes. "Get them!" Helmet's ordered rang out through the night air. Spaceball 5's front ramp started slowly descending. "Barf, sweetheart, protect Yogurt," Lone Starr called to his sidekick and bride, activating his Schwartz ring and rushing towards the ship, "I'll hold them off."
"No, I'll hold them off!" Mary Sue ran in front of him, "I can handle it!"
"Lady, enough is enough, I called this first, and...!" Lone Starr stopped at the site of hundreds of heavily armed Spaceball troopers standing at the top of the ramp behind Wenn and his knights. "Actually, yeah, you take care of this," he conceded to her, "I'll help with Yogurt."
He quickly backpedaled towards the retreating speeder bikes. "Charge!" came Wenn's shout from the top of the ramp. Helmet's apprentice raced down to the beach, his Schwartz ring activated already. The Knights of Wenn, brandishing weapons of their own, rushed down after him, although two of them seized up halfway down the ramp, clutched their chests, and fell down dead of old age. The Spaceball troopers raced down behind them-some of them tripping over the dead bodies and falling on their faces-firing wildly in every direction. Glaring defiantly, Mary Sue drew a Schwartz ring of her own out of nowhere, activated it, and started swinging away at the remaining knights. "We'll see if she can handle all that when it counts," Lone Starr muttered with a last backwards glance.
"Stop where you are, Lone Starr!" Helmet warned him from the beach. The villain raised his Schwartz ring and fired a green blast at his long time foe. Lone Starr ducked it at the last second and leaped for one of the speeder bikes...
"Move over, pal, I'm driving!" Meteor abruptly jumped onto the bike in front of him and grabbed the controls before the hero could react. The mole revved up the engine and zoomed forward-straight into the side of the beach's cliff. Groaning, he nonetheless backed up and drove up the trail into the woods above the beach. "Aha, he's a sitting duck with that mole behind the wheel! Follow that speeder!" Helmet ordered several of his troops, who jumped onto the remaining bikes and took off after the heroes. "Take me after them!" he ordered the trooper who'd gotten on the bike nearest to him. The driver, however, stepped on the gas before Helmet had fully climbed on board the bike-and Helmet failed to see until it was a split second too late that his cape had gotten snagged on the back of the bike. Thus, he was jerked hard off his feet once the bike started off and was dragged screaming at the top of his lungs by the cape up the trail towards the woods. "I swear this was not in the script!" he shrieked to anyone who cared to listen.
"Tree, tree, watch where...!" Lone Starr's cry came too late, as Meteor slammed the bike hard into a large tree. The mole backed up and zoomed sideways-straight into another tree. Lone Starr groaned in agony from the impact. "Just let me drive!" he demanded to Meteor.
"I know what I'm doing, so don't yell at me!" Meteor shouted back, seconds before driving into a third tree. Sighing, Lone Starr seized the controls, pinning Meteor's arms down to the handlebars, and maneuvered it around the trees in their path as best he could. Laser blasts behind them, though, made it clear they had company. "Just our luck," he dared a brief look back to see seven bikes loaded with Spaceball troopers-the trailing one still dragging a screaming Helmet by the cape through the underbrush, somehow unnoticed by the driver-gaining on them, "Well, the speeder bike chase scene was overdue for a lampooning anyway. OK, we're going to jam their transmissions so it's just us and them, so hold on and let me handle this," he told Meteor, abruptly spinning around and driving towards the approaching Spaceballs. He pressed down on a pair of buttons of the front of the bike, firing two large canisters towards the front most bikes. They exploded in a shower of strawberry jam, splattering the bikes completely in red. Howling, the troopers wiped the jam away, but not enough for the one on the right to crash into a tree. The one on the left was run into from behind by a trailing bike, sending the Spaceballs aboard it flying hard into the ground. "Transmissions successfully jammed," Lone Starr nodded, spinning the bike back around, "OK, let's catch up to Yogurt..."
A louder blast rang out, and a green beam zipped right by his face. Roaring, Helmet was firing his Schwartz ring at his mortal foe, but was unable to get a clear shot while being dragged along the ground. "You want to play, Helmet, I'm game! Here I come!" Meteor shouted at him. He tried to turn the bike around, but only managed to flip it upside-down so that Lone Starr's head was left bouncing hard off the ground over and over again. "METEOR!" he bellowed, "Turn this right side up right now!"
"Hold still, Helmet!" Meteor blindly fired forward while still upside down, managing only to hit Yogurt repeatedly in the rear end and making him yelp in pain. "Do you believe this guy, he's flying upside down for some reason!" he shouted to Lone Starr, who was howling as his head was dragged through a large patch of mud, "He's better than I thought. But not good enough to get away from me! We'll cut him off at the river!"
"Oh no, not the river...ggwwwwwwaaaaaaarrrrrggghh!" Lone Starr ended up gargling water as the bike zoomed straight up the river. "OK, enough is enough!" he yelled, aiming his Schwartz ring at the bike. It started glowing and slowly flipped back upright. "OK, now let's even the odds here," the hero aimed the ring back at the closest bike. Its gas tank cap glowed and unscrewed, sending gasoline spilling out in a torrent. The bike sputtered and stalled in midair, and seconds later was also run into hard from behind, sending the troopers sprawling into more trees. "Good thinking, boys," Yogurt called back to them, "Let me handle the next one."
He pulled out a box labeled Spaceballs the Carpet Tacks and dumped its contents backwards. Lone Starr zoomed to the side to avoid them, but the trailing Spaceball bike, illustrating the general stupidity of low level henchmen, drove straight towards them despite having ample time to see them coming. And despite having no clear wheels for the tacks to blow out, a loud bang rang out when it drove over the tacks, and the bike started spiraling wildly in circles before it slammed into a tree and exploded. "I've still got it!" Yogurt pumped his fist in delight.
A loud blast rang out, and Yogurt then ducked another Schwartz beam blast that zapped towards him. "None of you will escape me!" Helmet declared, having finally climbed up onto the rear of the bike. He took aim at Lone Starr and fired again. Lone Starr, thinking quickly, snapped the branch off the tree he was passing, reared it back like a baseball bat, and smashed the oncoming Schwartz beam back towards Helmet, sending it right into the villain's balls. Helmet shrieked in a high soprano and toppled sideways, sending his bike also spinning upside down. He and the driver yelped as their heads also bounced hard off the ground repeatedly, then were smashed aside by two more speeder bikes of troops and send hard into a large boulder. One zoomed forward ahead of the others and fired at the good guys with everything it had-only to have Barf and Vespa sneak up on either side of it. "Guess who?" Barf covered the driver's eyes.
"Uh...Chewchilla the Wookie Monster?" the driver stupidly guessed.
"Sorry, you lose," Vespa snatched his gun away and conked the bike's gunman over the head with it, sending him rolling dazedly sideways in his seat. Barf uncovered the driver's eyes and peeled sideways, giving the driver just enough time to scream before he drove hard into a large stump and exploded. Barf laughed in triumph. I guess you could say that really 'stumped' him, huh?" he asked the others, putting on enough speed to catch up with them.
"Good thinking, Barf," Lone Starr commended his sidekick, aiming his Schwartz ring back at the lone remaining biker. The bike's gearshift glowed and switched to reverse, sending the bike abruptly roaring backwards through the woods to the dumbfounded expression of its confused occupants. "OK, now what?" the hero asked, looking around.
He got his answer at the sound of engines blasting ahead of them. The drilling ships were rising up and moving back towards Spaceball 5 through the sky. "They must have gotten all the everywhereium they needed," Yogurt somehow guessed the truth despite apparently not knowing the backstory of Helmet's plot, "Come on, we'll see if we can beat them back to the ship and try and stop them."
"I'm on it, Yogurt," Meteor seized the controls of Lone Starr's bike after the hero had briefly let go and zoomed sideways. "No, no, you're going the wrong way!" Lone Starr protested, trying to pull the mole's hands off the controls.
"This is a shortcut, trust me!" Meteor insisted firmly, pressing down on the accelerator even harder.
"Are you that blind and stupid, you little dope!?"
"For the last time, I'm not blind! And look, we're coming out of the woods right now!" Meteor pointed at the gap in the trees ahead of them.
"No, no, that's not where we need to come out!" Lone Starr protested desperately, "Turn around, you...no, no, NO!" his cry went unheeded as Meteor blindly drove their bike straight off a cliff, where it crashed spectacularly down the rocks to the beach below. "Are you sure you're not a distant relative of Toonces the Driving Cat!?" the hero complained, rubbing his sore head.
"Huh? The blooming hive rat?"
"Forget it!" Lone Starr slammed his head off the handlebars in frustration.
"Hey, what're you complaining about!? We're on the beach like I'd said we'd be, aren't we!?" the mole gestured at the strand stretching before them. Lone Starr stumbled to his feet and observed the drillers zooming into the sky and out of sight. The Spaceballs were retreating back to the ship, many of them pausing on the ramp to observe Mary Sue battling it out with Wenn on the ramp. The Knickknack Paddywhack was effectively parrying Wenn's every blow, and holding the rest of the Knights of Wenn back with Schwartz power, it apparently not occurring to them to charge all at once. The air was filled with a loud scream as Helmet's bike, still upside down, zoomed back towards the ship and up the ramp. The ramp started sliding closed, but Mary Sue did not jump off, chasing Wenn and his knights back up the ramp into the ship when they retreated. Lone Starr took off into a run up the beach towards Spaceball 5, catching up to the others, who'd gone back the way they'd came, right as they braked to a stop in front of the ship. "What is she doing!?" Vespa was aghast, "How's she going to get out of there!? She'll be captured for sure!"
"Well what can we do; they're about to leave!" Dot fretted as Spaceball 5's engines started up.
"That what they think!" Barf declared. He reached to the side and picked up a gigantic banana that just happened to be randomly laying nearby, then zoomed his bike forward and shoved the banana into Spaceball 5's tail pipe seconds before it launched into Gesundheit's sky. The giant spaceship stalled right as it was about to jump into orbit, sputtered loudly, and then, you guessed it, randomly exploded, its segments falling like rain into the ocean. "Uh oh!" Barf turned pale, "I didn't mean to obliterate her...!"
"Oh my God...!" Dot was equally numb, "We killed the Knickknack Paddywhack...!"
"What are you guys so worried about?" Yogurt, in contrast, was not concerned, "It would take a lot more than a spaceship blowing up all around her to kill the Knickknack Paddywhack...there, see?" he pointed out to Spaceball 5's wreckage, where three Schwartz beams blinked on and started clashing, making almost everyone breathe sighs of relief, "She's completely unharmed and about to take out Helmet and Wenn all by herself."
"Oh no she's not," Lone Starr declared firmly, racing for the nearest bike. "Darling, let this go," Vespa grabbed the handlebars and gave him a stern look, "She's got it under control..."
"And I don't care if she's got the whole universe under control; she is not going to steal this moment of glory when I'm the hero of this story! Excuse me, please!" Lone Starr pulled the bike sideways out of her grasp and kicked down to start it...but the engine merely sputtered. Growling, he walked the bike down to the waterline, then seized one of Spaceball 5's beams floating nearby and started rowing out to the rest of the wreckage. "You're not getting all the glory this time, lady!" he muttered under his breath, "This time, the honor's mine...!"